It's been nearly two years since the last revision, and quite a lot of
new songs have arrived in the meantime (manythanx to all who contributed!),
so it's definitely time for a new edition of...



		      COMPUTER SONGS AND POEMS
		      =====<version 1.4>======
		      ------06-Aug-1994-------


    (Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects)


 collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen <haenssgen@acm.org>


The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by a line of "@"s :

Title    : The title of the parody
Original : The title of the original
Group    : The one(s) who performed the original
Author   : Author of the parody
Info     : Additional Comments by the Author
Song     : The Parody itself


I'd like to thank the following people for their contributions,
suggestions and error corrections (in alphabetical order)

	Joerg Anslik <janslik@leibniz.gun.de>
	David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
	Rob Beukers <rob@dutetvd.et.tudelft.nl>
	Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
	Ulrika Bornetun <ulrika.bornetun@zh001.ubs.ubs.ch>
	Frank Borger <frank@rover.uchicago.edu>
	Richard Carlsson <m90rca@tdb.uu.se>
	Alan Cox <iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk>
	Tony Duell <ard@siva.bristol.ac.uk>
	Jonathan Dursi <dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca>
	Axel Eble <Axel.Eble@imbi.uni-freiburg.de>
	Martin Emmerich <me@grmbl.uucp>
	Uli Fraus <fraus@forwiss.uni-passau.de>
	Greg Gerke <ggerke@unocss.UUCP>
	Charlie Gibbs <Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca>
	Andreas Gustafsson <gson@spiderman.cs.hut.fi>
	Thorbjoern Hansen <hansen@forwiss.uni-passau.de>
	Jonathan E. Katz <jonathan@kanga.cad.ucla.edu>
	Romain Kang <romain@pyramid.com>
	Evan Kirshenbaum <evan@hplerk.hpl.hp.com>
	Thomas Koenig <ig25@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de>
	Rich Kulawiec <rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu>
	Greg Lehey <grog@lemis.uucp>
	Mark Lottor <mkl@nisc.sri.com>
	N. R. Norm Lunde <norm@ctr.columbia.edu>
	Scott Malcomson <Scott.Malcomson@f110.n114.z1.fidonet.org>
	Sander van Malssen <sander@kozmix.hacktic.nl>
	Adrian Mariano <adrian@u.washington.edu>
	Colin McCormack <colinm@extro.ucc.su.oz.au>
	Keith Michaels <krm@sdc.boeing.com>
	Dipesh Navsaria <navsaria@bu-pub.bu.edu>
	Ove Ruben R Olsen <Ove.R.Olsen@ubb.uib.no>
	Joel Polowin <polowin@chem.queensu.ca>
	Reinier Post <reinpost@info.win.tue.nl>
	Robert E. Seastroms <rs@ai.mit.edu>
	George Sicherman <windmill.att.com!gls>
	Boas Simon <boas@uni-paderborn.de>
	Ignatios Souvatzis <souva@aibn53.mpifr-bonn.mpg.de>
	Ellen Spertus <erspert@athena.mit.edu>
	Starship Trooper / Greywolf <greywolf@autodesk.com>
	Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
	The Unknown User <unknown@ucscb.ucsc.edu>
	Greg Weiss <grweiss@phoenix.princeton.edu>
	Martin Welk <mw@pandora.ruhr.sub.org>
	Alan Winston <winston@ssrl01.slac.stanford.edu>
	<snarler%maple.decnet@pine.circa.ufl.edu>
	<dscatl!daysinns!alanf@gatech.edu>

This collection contains the following songs:
	[changes to the previous version (1.3) are marked
	 "+" for additions and
	 "/" for edited songs]

	0x0d2c
+	16 Bits
+	602 is Coming to Core
	99 Buckets of Bits
+	99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
	A Better Model
	A Graphic Song
	A is for Apple
	Addicted To Vi
	Addicted To News
+	A Hacker's Lot
	The Alternative Wall
+	A More Effective Manager
+	An IBM User
	An Irish CPU
	Another Glitch in the Call
	Another One
+	ARPAWOCKY
	A Song of Computation
	A Time for DWIM
	Automation
	A Visit from Saint Woz
+	Away in QMANGR
+	bbb+b
	BBN Superlisp
+	Beautiful Program
+	The Bell Labs UNIX System
+	Blow Out
/	Berkelian Rhapsody
	Berkeley California
	Berkeley 4.3
	Boot It
	Both Ways, Now
	The Boys of HP
	The Bug Came Back
	Bye Bye, UNIX
+	Bye, Bye, System
	CAMM (Crustified Ancient of Main Memory)
	Can't parse this
+	C Hacker in Paradise
+	The Chilled Water Waltz
+	COBOL Programmer's Swing
+	Code-a-lot
+	Comp Sci Serenade
+	The Computerbury Tales
+	Computerized Girl
+	Computer Man
	The Computer Nevermore
+	Control-C Song
	Core dumped blues
+	CPU Delight
+	Crasher's Song
	CRASH! goes the System
+	The Crash of the Ten and Eleven
	CRAY-S's coolant
	Cycles For Nothing
+	Dasi, Dasi
+	The Data-comm Song
	The Day Bell System Died
+	The Day SunOS Died
	The DEC man cometh
	DECman
+	Destruction
+	The Devil Went Down to Crawford
	The Disks of UNIX
	Don't Call From Home
	Don't Have a Conniption
	DP Man
	Emacs Wizard
+	Ever Onward, IBM
	Every Cycle is Sacred
+	The Field Service Anthem
	Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
+	The First TOPS-10
	Fork()ing on a Sun
	FORTRAN
+	FORTRAN Programs
+	FORTRAN Song
	French Horn Concerto (for modem users)
	Friend of the System
	Gateway To Heaven
	Gateway To Net Ten
	Girls just wanna defun
+	God Rest Ye CS Students
+	God Rest Ye Merry Network Fans
	HACKADU
	The Hackers are Best
	The Hacker Song
+	The Hacker's Battle Hymn
	The Hacker's Song
	Hacking Iron
	The HACTRN
+	Hark! the Screaming Students Cry
+	Has Anybody Seen My Code?
+	Hello, my ASCII gal
+	Hello, Solly
	I Could Have Tooled All Night
+	I'd Like to Buy Magnetic Tape
+	I'm a PDP-10 Wizard
+	I'm a Programmer
	I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas
+	In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree
+	I/O
+	I've Been Working on a Kernel
	I Want a New Bug
+	I want an RT
	I am the very model of a Genius Computational
	Into the Tube
+	Jargontalk
	JES The mighty system
	Just remember that you're flying o'er a disk pack....
+	Kludging My Software
	Lambda Bound
	Leavin' Fed'ral Express
+	Little Boxes
	Little PC
+	LOGIN Song
	Lonely Users
+	The Longest Path
+	Losing my Connection
+	Kitty of North Tempe
+	Magtapes Roasting
	The Maven
+	The Modern Software Manager
+	Monopoly
	Mr. Bossman
	My Favorite Hacks
	My Data are Over the Ocean
+	My Favorite Things (2)
	My Favourite Things
+	My Program Lies in the DEC-20
	Network Pie
	Not a Boolean
	Ode to Amy (or: The Frontend Shuffle)
+	Ode To Menu Systems
+	Old bit stream
+	Ole McMowle
+	On the Net
	Our First Day on Usenet
+	Over Hill, Over Caile
+	PCs are PCs
	P-I-F-FO
	Please Release Me
	PLIate's Dream
	Poor Pure Percy P
+	Programmer
	The Programmer's Blues
/	The Programmer's Viewpoint
+	Programs
	Puff the Fractal Dragon
	Rawhide
	The RSX Backup Song
	The RSX Support Song
	The RSX VMS Lovers Song
	Script for a Hacker's Tear
+	Sentimental Berwald
	SIGHUP Blues
+	Silicon Valley Guy
	Software for Nothing
	Socket Man
+	Somewhere over the Network
	Song of the Certified Data Processor
	The Sound of FORTRAN
	The Sounds of Silence
+	Stopcode Bells
	Structured Programmer's Soliloquy
	The Swapper
	System Crash
	Take me Down to the SunLab
	Tap My Wire
+	Telnet Song
	Ten little Modulans
	That old time PDP
+	That's Life At Case
	That was the HASP my friend
+	Twas the Night Before Implementation
	The 12 computerised days of Xmas
	These are are a Few of Our Favorite Machines
+	Those were the Days
	Treekiller
+	The Twelve Days of Uptime
	The Underfull Badness Blues
	UNIBUS
	UNIX
	Unix Man
	Unix Quandry
	Unix Wizard
	VAX Raphosdy
+	VMUNIX Blues
	Waiting for The Sun
	The Wall 2
	What is a Hacker?
+	What Segment is This?
+	When I'm Sixty Four
	When I was a lad
	When you try to get work from the data network
+	White Collar Holler
+	The Wonderful Hacker
	The Worm before Christmas
	Write in C
	Yellow Subroutine


One final remark: I collect postcards, so if you like this file
and think I deserve a small favour, how about sending me a nice
postcard? 8-)  I'd appreciate it very much! Really!
My address for the next few years is:

		Stefan Haenssgen
		Nuitsstr. 2c
		D-76185 Karlsruhe
		Germany


PS:  This file (and future updates) is also available via
     anonymous FTP at  ftp.ira.uka.de (129.13.10.90)
		    in  /pub/doc/computersongs-1.4.Z

PPS: (So much for "One final remark" ;-)  Comments, suggestions,
     further contributions and error corrections are always
     welcome!


...and here we go:


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 0x0d2c
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Mitchell <mitchell@mdd.comm.mot.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


		0x0d2c
		------

      May all your signals trap
    May your references be bounded
	    All memory aligned
	Floats to ints be rounded

    Remember....

	   Nonzero is TRUE
	     ++ adds one
	Arrays start with [0]
	 NULL points to none

	 For octal use zero
	   0x means in hex
	     use = to set
	  and == for a test

	 Use -> for a pointer
	  a dot if it's not
	   ?: is confusing
	   use this a lot

	 a.out is your program
	 there's no 'u' in foobar
	and char (*(*x())[])() is
     a function returning a pointer
	 to an array of pointers
      to functions returning a char


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 16 Bits
Original : 16 Tons
Group    : ?
Author   : Tony Williams and Bill Mulert
Intro    :
Song     :

			      16 Bits

		     (to the tune of 16 Tons)
		 by Tony Williams and Bill Mulert


     Some people say computers are made outta chips,
     Digital logic and binary bits.
     Takes a technical jerk to wanna make it run,
     So I went to computer-mart and bought myself one.

     Ya load 16 bits, and whattya get ?
     64K and a floppy diskette.
     At $1200 it's surely inane,
     You get a Biorhythym chart and a video game.

     I was born one morning in a software mine,
     I picked up my keyboard and I entered a line.
     I loaded some BASIC, I loaded FORTRAN,
     But nothing I loaded into COBOL ran.

     Chorus:
     Ya load 16 bits, and whattya get ?
     64K and a floppy diskette.
     IBM don't ya call me 'cause I gotta regroup,
     I'm stuck right now in an infinite loop.

     Well, I sat at the keyboard with the Programmer's Itch,
     But everything I entered ran into a glitch.
     I messed up ma memory, ma register gates,
     Made me wanta fold, spindle, and mutilate.

     (Chorus)

     I got a serial modem with dual disk packs,
     The house I once owned is now Radio Shack's.
     30 I/O ports to do as ya will,
     If the price don't get ya then the light bill will.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 602 is Coming to Core
Original : Santa is Coming to Town
Group    : Traditional (?)
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

		       602 is Coming to Core

		   (to Santa is Coming to Town)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     Oh, you'd better not peek.
     You'd better not spy.
     You'd better not poke.
     I'm telling you why.
     602 is comming to core!

     The devlin bombs.
     You can't do a call.
     Gettabs just
     Don't work at all.
     602 is comming to core!

     It wakes you when you're sleeping.
     It swaps you when you're small.
     It puts you into 'MQ wait',
     And you can't get out at all.  So...

     You'd better not peek.
     You'd better not spy.
     You'd better not poke.
     I'm telling you why.
     602 is coming to core!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 99 Buckets of Bits
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer
Group    : Traditional
Author   : "Jonathan E. Katz" <jonathan@kanga.cad.ucla.edu>
Intro    : (of course 90 buckets of bits then becomes 8f buckets of bits...)
	    buckets can also be replaced by bytes
Song     :

99 buckets of bits on the bus,
99 buckets of bits.
take one down,
short it to ground.
98 buckets of bits on the bus..


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
		    99 Bugs in the Monitor Now

		(to 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     99 bugs in the monitor now.
     99 bugs in the core.
      Run DDT.
      Find two or three.
     96 bugs in the monitor now.


     96 bugs in the monitor now....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Better Model
Original : A Modern Major-General
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Intro    :
Song     :

			     A Better Model
			     ==============
		  by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
			  Submitted by "Spam"
	      Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
			by Gilbert and Sullivan


I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

Chorus:  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
	  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
	  His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?

Cho:  And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?

By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.

Cho:  You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.

Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title    : A Graphic Song ("It's a commie plot")
Original : "Catch a Wave"
Author   : ?
Info     : Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
Song     :


Lead:   Nobody wants to try the greatest hack around
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Everybody tries it once
Lead:   Those who have just want to shut it down
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   You cut some code, then compile and link,
	 and then you - turn on the plotter, fill the pens with ink,
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   Not just DECgraph, 'cause it's been plotting on so long
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   It's been going now for hours
Lead:   They said it wouldn't plot that long
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   They'll eat their words with a forkin' VAX, just watch 'em -
	 they rasterize in real time - it drags ass
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   So take a lesson from a top-notch hacker boy
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Get yourself RSX
Lead:   But don't you treat it like a toy
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   So stick your plot, go ahead and whine, look fella -
	 we don't plot 'round here, this is real time
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
	 Plot, plot, where the sun never shines
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A is for Apple
Original : A is for Apple
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Douglas Spencer
Intro    :
Song     :


A is for Apple

by Douglas Spencer
Computer Systems Administrator,  Anderman and Co Ltd


    A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
    D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
    C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.

    E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
    F is a FORK for creating a child,
    G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER

    I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
    J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
    K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.

    M is the MODEM we use from our home,
    N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
    O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.

    Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
    R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
    S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.

    U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear,
    V is the VISUAL editor here.
    W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.

    Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
    Z for the snores from the programming pool.
    Written while waiting while dinner was cooking

submitted by chiyo to funny@looking.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted to News
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Elf Sternberg <elf@halcyon.com>
Intro    :
Song     :

 The lights are on-- 'cause you're at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.sex, and talk.bizarre,
 You his 'reply,' start a flamewar!
 You don't sleep, you drink Coke,
 You can't stop, you might choke.
 Know what, you crave the most?
 Talk.religion, with unread posts!

 You like to think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh yeah?
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 Pirate clari, you've got it all.
 Local news, e'en from Nepal?
 'End of newsgroups' is your key,
 To join *.advocacy!
 A fido gate's your latest fun,
 Mailing lists, every one.
 A one-track mind, you can't be pried,
 From your keyboard, until you've died!

 Just when you think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh, yeah!
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 The lights are on, 'cause your at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.slack, talk.pol.misc,
 You've never felt a real live kiss!

 		Elf !!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Chuck Musciano <chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com>
Intro    : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi,
	    I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of
	    "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
	    As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women,
	    all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing
	    sinuously.
Song     :


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L?  You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste!  Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Hacker's Lot
Original : A Policeman's Lot
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :

			  A Hacker's Lot


	      (to the tune of A Policeman's Lot from
	   Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance)
	     (italicized words are sung by the chorus)
			  by Brad Needham


     When a hacker's not engaged in compilation compilation
     or single-stepping code in adb adb
     his/her concept of enlightened conversation conversation
     is as far removed from coding as can be. as can be
     One misnomer is as good as any other; any other
     a "hacker" is the soul who makes things run. makes
	 things run
     Ah, take one consideration with another with another
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one.
     Oh, a hacker is the soul who makes things run, makes
	 things run;
     a hackers lot is not a happy one, happy one.

     Though our lucid comments gush with human feeling human
	 feeling
     and clearly document each program's works program's
	 works
     the remote mail system shows no signs of healing signs
	 of healing
     and nroff still contains annoying quirks. 'noyying
	 quirks
     Our aesthetics we, with difficulty, smother 'culty
	 smother
     when an "rm -r *" must be undone. be undone
     Taking one consideration with another with another
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one.
     Oh, when an "rm -r *" must be undone, be undone
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one, happy one.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Alan Cox <iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk>, Leon Thrane,
	    Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet <aem@aber.ac.uk> & (?)
Intro    : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long
	    drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London &
	    Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song     :

			   The Alternative Wall:-

 Established by:- 	Anarchy, Atropos, White,
 			Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed.

Nobody On
---------

I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.

My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..

Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Two.

Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.

UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...

		      The Alternative Wall, Part Three.

The Trial
---------

Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!

"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"

-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.

			 The Alternative Wall, Part Four.

The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------

Is there anybody out there?

(repeat ad nauseam)

			 The Alternative Wall, Part Five.

One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!

Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!

Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!

Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

			The Alternative Wall, Part Six.

Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------

What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?

How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.

Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here but can you see me?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.

Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?

There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.

When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.

In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.

I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.

Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A More Effective Manager
Original : A More Humane Mikado
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :

		     A More Effective Manager


	       (to the tune of A More Humane Mikado
	     from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado".)
			  by Brad Needham


					    1
     A more effective manager never did LDP  produce.
     For months, I've been hearing top management jeering
     each schedule we introduce
     for every schedule ever written has slipped to varied
	 extents.
     This grave disaster I soon will master
     by jailing incompetents.

     Chorus:
     Their punishment, all sublime, embodies this paradigm:
     to let the schedule fit the time
	     the schedule fit the time
     and make each estimate consequently necessitate
     the thing's completion upon the date
		  completion upon the date.

     The furniture mover erratically shuffling causing
	 confusion and fuss:
     we'll move his apartment into a compartment
     aboard an interstate bus.

     Committees deliberate, morning to evening,
	 implementation details.
     They're found in loud bunches debating their hunches
     on what "loosely-coupled" entails.

     The marketing zealot who preannounces each technological
	 leap
     shall find that his peers preannounced by three years
     the hotel where he's scheduled to sleep.

     The assembly-line hacker whose constant rewriting
	 annihilates his afternoons
     shall find his job usurped by a mob
     of hyperactive baboons.

     (Chorus)

     The jargon speaker is trapped by his fellows who never
	 use english too much.
     They utter most freely pig-latin, swahili,
     chinese, esperanto, and dutch.

     The seeming dyslexic who disregards documents over one
	 page and a-half
     is jailed where he grovels interpreting novels
     transmitted by telegraph.

     The man-month thinker who adds more bodies the later a
	 project becomes
     to keep working faster must, each morning, master
     an extra set of thumbs.

     The fellow whose schedules never consider that murphy's
	 spirit intrudes
     is placed where he begs to boil "three-minute" eggs
     at very high altitudes.

     (Chorus)

  1
   Choose your favorite company

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : An IBM User
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Falkirk Bard
Intro    :
Song     :
			    An IBM User

	  (A true story of Raw Courage & Human Endeavour)
		 as chronicled by the Falkirk Bard

	      An IBM user,
	      Deciding to temp fate,
	      Tried to use the Big Computer,
	      To read his wee mag tape.

	      He got the job assembled,
	      Then sent it down the line.
	      "I hope this thing is fast", he said,
	      "I want it back in time."

	      The IBM Computer
	      Said with a shout of glee,
	      "Ah-ha a brand new user,
	      What fun we'll have I see."

	      The 3081 returned the job,
	      And the story it did tell,
	      Was that it couldn't run the job,
	      'Cause of failure in J. C. L.

	      After many weeks of trial,
	      The user jumped for joy.
	      "It likes my J. C. L. now.
	      It loves me boy-oh-boy."

	      But IBM's are playful things
	      They like to have their fun,
	      As the user searched his output,
	      He saw what it had done.

	      Its latest bit of humour
	      Was plain for all to see,
	      It went and killed his job off,
	      With Abend code 413.

	      The user got the book down,
	      Turned to the proper place,
	      And after careful searching found
	      Of 413 -- no trace.

	      Said the user, "I am patient,
	      I never lose the place,
	      But if this doesn't work soon,
	      I'll kick it in the face."

	      He sent the job back in then,
	      Without another sound,
	      But the 3081 replied with,
	      "System file not found."

	      "What the hell does this mean?"
	      Asked the user with a dirty look,
	      "It's a standard flipping routine,
	      It says so in the book."

	      At the place of Foreign Language,
	      He went to ask of them,
	      But they replied, "We're sorry,
	      We don't speak IBM."

	      But this story has an ending,
	      When many months later,
	      The user got his tape read,
	      By a baby Interdata!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : An Irish CPU
Original : An Irish Ballad
Group    : Tom Lehrer
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			      AN IRISH CPU
		   (to An Irish Ballad by Tom Lehrer)
		       by Sarah Elizabeth Miller

About a CPU I sing,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
About a CPU I sing
Who sat around compi-a-ling
And wouldn't do another thing
For anyone else logged in, logged in,
For anyone else logged in.

Old programs it would just ignore,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Old programs it would just ignore
And leave them rotting in the core,
Not caring what they all were for
Except those in "user/bin", "user/bin",
Except those in "user/bin".

This CPU was lots of fun,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This CPU was lots of fun
Until one wanted programs run
And if one tried to get them done
It typed back "You're not logged in, logged in."
It typed back "You're not logged in."

Long processes it would not do,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Long processes it would not do
And, rather than to run them through,
Would ask to have some Irish stew
And a couple of cases of gin, of gin,
And a couple of cases of gin.

And then it would raise hellish toasts,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
And then it would raise hellish toasts
And make a few obnoxious boasts,
Not only could it drink the most,
It knew many more ways to sin, to sin.
It knew many more ways to sin.

To prove its point to all the world,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
To prove its point to all the world
It let the magtape fall in curls
And wrap around some foxy girl
And slowly rewind her in, her in,
And slowly rewind her in.

This sordid tale I won't prolong,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This sordid tale I won't prolong
And, if you do not enjoy my song,
You've got Abe to blame if it's too long.
He should never have let me begin, begin.
He should never have let me begin.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Another Glitch in the Call
Original : Another Brick in the Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM  /  decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!roderick ?
Intro    :
Song     :

		       Another Glitch in the Call
		       ==========================
	     (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.)
		 (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM)

     We don't need no indirection
     We don't need no flow control
     No data typing or declarations
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those lists alone!
     Chorus:
	 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
     We don't need no side effect-ing
     We don't need no scope control
     No global variables for execution
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those args alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no allocation
     We don't need no special nodes
     No dark bit-flipping in the functions
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those bits alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no compilation
     We don't need no load control
     No link edit for external bindings
	 Hey!  You!  Leave that source alone!
     (Chorus, and repeat)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Another One
Original : Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-)
Song     :


better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
	be good
}

    better !pout !cry
    better watchout
    lpr why
    santa claus <north pole >town

    cat /etc/passwd >list
    ncheck list
    ncheck list
    cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
    cat list | grep nice >giftlist
    santa claus <north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping
    who | grep awake
    who | grep bad || good
    for (goodness sake) { be good; }


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : ARPAWOCKY
Original : Jabberwocky
Group    : Lewis Carrol
Author   : R. Merryman
Intro    : I'd like to nominate RFC 527: ARPAWOCKY by R. Merryman
	   (or D.L. Covill or whoever)  for inclusion in your collection
	   of Computer Songs and Poems. Here it is:
Song     :

Network Working Group                                    R. Merryman  (UCSD-CC)
Request for Comments:  527                                              6/22/73


			       ARPAWOCKY


		     Twas brillig, and the Protocols
			  Did USER-SERVER in the wabe.
		     All mimsey was the FTP,
			  And the RJE outgrabe,

		     Beware the ARPANET, my son;
			  The bits that byte, the heads that scratch;
		     Beware the NCP, and shun
			  the frumious system patch,

		     He took his coding pad in hand;
			  Long time the Echo-plex he sought.
		     When his HOST-to-IMP began to limp
			  he stood a while in thought,

		     And while he stood, in uffish thought,
			  The ARPANET, with IMPish bent,
		     Sent packets through conditioned lines,
			  And checked them as they went,

		     One-two, one-two, and through and through
			  The IMP-to-IMP went ACK and NACK,
		     When the RFNM came, he said "I'm game",
			  And sent the answer back,

		     Then hast thou joined the ARPANET?
			  Oh come to me, my bankrupt boy!
		     Quick, call the NIC! Send RFCs!
			  He chortled in his joy.

		     Twas brillig, and the Protocols
			  Did USER-SERVER in the wabe.
		     All mimsey was the FTP,
			  And the RJE outgrabe.

							    D.L. COVILL
							     May 1973

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Song of Computation
Author   : Tony Duell
Original : A Song of Reproduction
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Intro    : The processor 'of storage 4 k byte' is (of course) a Philips P850,
	    a minicomputer noted for its limited memory (4 k bytes was the
	    maximum), RISC-like instruction set, and total lack of speed.
	    After that, the PDP11/45 was a great improvement
	    EI set = Extended Instruction Set, i.e. the XOR, Multiply and
	   Divide instructions etc
	    DW11-B was a DEC option to use Q-Bus cards on a UNIBUS PDP11. They
	    are much desired by PDP11 enthusiasts, although they can cause
	    problems
	    NXM error = Non eXistant Memory error - what happens if there is a
	    bus time-out during a DMA transfer
	    Don't try to make too much sense of the spoken part in the middle
	    It makes more sense than the original, anyway
Song     :

I had a little processor
With storage 4 K byte
And with an octal program
It ran throughout the night
And then they optimised it
It was much faster then
And we loaded Fortran Programs
To make it slow again

Today for computation
I'm as eager as can be
Count me among the faithful fans
of high end P - D - P

High end PDP
45's the one for me
With cartridge disk and EI set
and 6 foot rack mount cabinet
floating point boards too
complete with M M U
All the lowest bits either clear or set
What they mean now I quite forget
Still there's enough range there for national debt
With my high end PDP

(spoken)
Who configured this for you anyway?
DEC field service ?!?!?
Ooooh what a shoddy job they made of it!
Suprised they let you run that configuration on this processor, the priorities
are all wrong. If you move the tape drive down the bus after the console port,
and then re-assign the address of the system disk, then you'll still only get
adequate performance if you run modified software
I see you've got your system disk on the Q-Bus! Take that though a DW11-B bus
convertor, and via your A-leg Mux into the ALU, If you're running multi-user,
you're going to loose grants. Try to load the OS that way and what'll you get
A NXM error!

High end PDP
RSX version 3
I've a shell right here that you won't escape
On miles of 9-track recording tape
18 bit address
Will prove a great success
With the console switch, at a single touch
The lisiting comes in double dutch
But I never did care for data much
With my high end PDP

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Time for DWIM
Original : A Time for Us
Group    : theme song from Romeo and Juliet
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

		  A Time for DWIM

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		   A Time for Us
	(theme song from Romeo and Juliet)]


A time for DWIM
There'll never be;
   No clever code
   This losing mode
Can UNDO for me.

This "golden hope"
(To be denied)
   Could never
Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide.

A way for bugs
There'll never be
To fix with generality.

So to this DWIM
Let's say farewell;
   The crocks therein
   Prove it can't win
And ring its knell:

Do What I Mean
Is just a ruse --
   It really
Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose!


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Rota, Kusik, and Snyder)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Automation
Original : Fascination
Group    : Jane Morgan (???)
Author   : Alan Sherman (singer), transcribed by Russell Street
		(russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info     : The music Sherman used had be re-arranged from the
		"original" of the song I have.
Song     :

It was automation, I know,
That was what was making the factory go.
It was IBM, it was UNIVAC,
It was all those gears going clickerty-clack, dear

I thought automation was keen,
'Till you were replaced by a ten tonne machine.
It was that computer that tore us apart, dear
Automation broke my heart.

There's an RCA 503
Standing next to me, dear, where you used to be.
Doesn't have your smile, doesn't have your shape.
Just a lot a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear.

Your a girl whose soft, warm and sweet.
But your only human and that's obselete.
Though I'm very fond of that new 503, dear.
Automation's not for me.

"It was automation", I'm told
That's why I got fired and I'm out in the cold
How could I have known, when the 503,
Started into blink, it was winking at me, dear.

I thought it was just some mishap.
When it sidled over and sat on my lap
But when it said "I love you" and gave me a hug, dear
That's when I pulled out it's plug


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Visit from Saint Woz
Original : The Night Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Nick?)
Group    : ?
Author   : Marty Knight
Intro    :
Song     :


A VISIT FROM SAINT WOZ
by Marty Knight

'Twas the night before Christmas, no sound in the house.
My GS is dusty and so is my mouse.
My dealer's gone Mac; he's too brainwashed to care.
Apple marketing smells like that old dairy-air.

My children are nestled, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Mac LCs (ugh) dance in their heads.
The GS is dead, I've heard them all say.
They might just be right; things look pretty gray.

When all of a sudden a great noise I did hear.
I woke with a start and fell flat on my rear.
Awakened from slumber I jumped up to see
tripped over the cat and twisted my knee.

The moon brightly shone on the new fallen snow.
I looked but saw nothing, then turning to go,
stopped short...  What's that?...  Is that synthLAB I hear?
Why yes!  Yes it is!  That's good reason to cheer!

I jumped and I shouted and I danced then because
I knew right away that it must be Saint Woz.
More rapid than Zip Chip, old Wozniak came.
He whistled and shouted and called out by name:

"Now Quickie!  Now Allison!  Now AppleWorks GS!
Go Claris!  On SuperConvert!  I love you Vitesse!
Platinum Paint is so cool!  Twilight Screen Blanker rules!
Who needs those old Macs when you've got Apple IIs?

"If you have been true I've got presents to dole,
but if you're like inCider you'll get lumps of coal."
So up to the housetop with the Green Team he flew;
Jim Merritt, Andy Nicholas, and Saint Wozniak, too.

I kept very quiet so that I might hear
SoundSmith tunes softly playing, spreading Apple II cheer.
Then I heard a slight scrape and as I turned 'round
down the chimney Saint Wozniak came with a bound.

He wore blue jeans and sneakers and a T-shirt that said
II-Infinitum ... II-Forever...  I had nothing to dread!
A sack of great software he had slung on his back
and he looked like a hacker there searching his pack.

His eyes twinkled brightly, his dimples so merry,
his cheeks red as apples, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth smiled a smile oh so grand.
And a full bearded chin, GDL labels in hand.

A thick slice of pizza he held tight in his teeth
and the steam from it circled his head like a wreath.
A plump little face and a round little belly.
He laughed and it shook like a bowl of grape jelly.

He was chubby and plump; a right jolly old elf.
I laughed when I saw him, for he looked like myself.
He winked right at me then he twisted his head,
so I knew deep inside I had nothing to dread.

He said not a word.  He went straight to work
programming in ORCA, then he turned with a jerk.
Then placing his finger on top of that mess,
and giving a nod... GAMES for the GS!

He jumped to his sleigh and it rose from the ground.
But before it took off I saw him turn 'round
and I heard him exclaim, 'ere he flew out of sight,
"Apple II Forever, and to all a good night!"


Copyright 1990 by Marty Knight


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Away in QMANGR
Original : Away in a Mange
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
			  Away in QMANGR

		       (to Away in a Manger)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder

     Away in QMANGR,
     No room for a file,
     My program and output
     Are stuck for a while.
     The stop button's down
     And the opr's away.
     The little line printer's
     Asleep for the day.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : bbb+b
Original : 100 Bottles of Beer
Group    : Traditional
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

			       bbb+b


	       (to the tune of 100 Bottles of Beer)


     100 buckets of bits on the bus
     100 buckets of bits
     take one down (short it to ground)
     FF buckets of bits on the bus

     FF buckets of bits on the bus
     FF buckets of bits
     take one down (short it to ground)
     FE buckets of bits on the bus

     etc.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : BBN Superlisp
Original : Jesus Christ Superstar
Group    : from Jesus Christ Superstar
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	     BBN Superlisp

	    [to be sung to the tune of
	      Jesus Christ Superstar]


Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you think "Do What I Mean" is so cool and grand;
You'd have managed better if you'd thought it through,
Why'd you pick such an awkward way your bugs to undo?
Your hairy feature will not be the last revolution,
It's clear "Mean What I Do" is the ultimate solution!

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?

Tell us what you think about your friends at the top,
Who d'you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop?
Is LISP 1.5 where it's at? Is it where you are?
Does Stanford's LISP have features too or is that just PR?
Do you have the breakpoint scheme that MACLISP is known for,
Or is that just the kind of kludge the user's on his own for?

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?


			 -- The Great Quux
			      (with apologies to
				 Rice and Webber)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Beautiful Program
Original : Beautiful Dreamer
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Beautiful Program

		      (to Beautiful Dreamer)
	     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman


     Beautiful program
     Please run for me.
     I've tried you in BASIC,
     FORTRAN and C.
     Beautiful program,
     You've errors galore.
     And each time I run you,
     You're swapped out of core.
	[Alternate: There's thirty-five more]


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Bell Labs UNIX System
Original : The Girl from Ipanema
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    : (inspired by an attempt to write a UNIX-like OS in Pascal)
Song     :


		     The Bell Labs UNIX System

	      (to the tune of The Girl from Ipanema)
			  by Brad Needham


     Clean and swift and small and simple
     The Bell Lab's UNIX system is published
     And when they read it
     Each one who reads it goes "aah".

     Files it has -- so elementary
     File names too, that move so gently
     That when they read it
     Each one who reads it goes "aah".

     Oh, but I read it so sadly!
     So much is lost in translation.
     How could I code it so badly?
     And how could they blame it on me?
     I write in Pascal, not in C.

     Clean and swift and small and simple
     The Bell Labs UNIX system is published
     And when I read mine, I cry
     Cause it's not in C.
	    it's just not in C.
	 no it's just not in C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Blow Out
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    :
Song     :

     Like to tell you the story today about my cpu,
     It does alot of different things that no one else can
	 do,
     Assembin' compilin' and all sorts of filin',
     (But the) one main thing that results is a blow out
	 every time,

     Chorus:

     Blow out, a blow out, the Vax had another blow out
     Blow out, a blow out, doin' a change mode.
     Blow out, a blow out, the Vax had another blow out
     Blow out, a blow out, was it due to the heavy load.

							   4
     Late one night in the middle of the term while George
	 soundly slept.
     A cpu dropped a bit and promptly crashed the net.
     A-machine wheezed,b belched, and fu's let out a shout,
     And just as you would expect, the Vax had another blow
	 out!

     (Chorus)

     The freshman panicked, the sophomores screemed, the
	 juniors quietly wept.
     "What are we to do after the super users have left?"
     The seniors said "Have no fear and get the phone book
	 out,
     We'll call George because, the Vax had another blow
	 out."

     (Chorus)

     They called George and woke him up and got him out of
	 bed.
     And when he heard their voices, he knew the Vax was
	 dead.
     "What is running that made the Vax bomb?
     Did those stupid users finally run out of ROM?"
     (They said) "The line has formed down the hall cause
	 many programs are due
     There is 263, 362, 363, 466, 467, 468, 695b, just to
	 name a few.
     We tried to fix it on our own, so we got the intructions
	 out.
     And heres what it says to do when the Vax has had a blow
	 out."

     (Chorus)

     The manual from DEC was to the point and very clear,
     (it said) "No winding no batterys just kick it right
	 here".
     Well George, we tried it but it still refuses to run,
     What are we supposed to do to get our assignments done?
     (He said), "Dump the core and boot it once more, and
	 tell the users not to pout
     The only thing that happened is, the Vax had another
	 blow out"

     (Chorus)

     (So they) dumped the core and booted it once more and
	 the disks began to spin,
     Everyone was cheering because they knew it'd run again.
     They thanked George politely because they had no doubts,
     The Vax had just recovered from one of many blow outs.

     (Chorus)

     Now you've heard the story today about our cpu,
     It did alot of different things that no one else could
	 do.
     We're really gonna miss it when the when the memory
	 finally dies,
     but we'll know it'll have a grand blow out in the sky.

     (Chorus)


  4
   guy that ran the computer at pur-ee.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkelian Rhapsody
Original : Bohemian Rhapsody
Group    : Queen
Author   : Greywolf <greywolf@autodesk.com>
Intro    : I have a real gem for you, if you're familiar at all with Queen's
	   "Bohemian Rhapsody", recently re-popularized over here in the
	   states by the movie "Wayne's World", a cinematic production with
	   which most Europeans will not identify, being culturally different
	   than we are (and, I might add, more advanced in their cultures).
Song     :

			BERKELIAN RHAPSODY
		(to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody")

Is this in real time?  Is this in memory?
Caught in a for(;;) loop, no escape from this subroutine...
open() your files, branch through the do{}while()s and see
I'm just the kernel, I need no libraries
Because you boot me up, load and go
Branch from high, store to low
Any way the thread flows
Doesn't really matter to me
To me.

unlink() just killed a file
Filled it's data up with NULLs, cleared the inode, closed the holes
vfork(), life had just begun
Then kill(0, SIGKILL) blew it all away
mmap(), ooooooh, didn't mean to make it die
if (the parent process doesn't fork again) {
	carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters;
}

Too late, init has died
Flush my buffers out from core, then reboot() and try once more
panic ("freeing free block"); I've got to crash
Got to enter kdb and see the truth
Init, ooooooooh (Any way the thread flows)
I've lost my tty
I wish my page hadn't been swapped out at all...

I see the signal trap vectors into core
Interrupt!  Overrun!  It will do a fandango
Data's skrogged like lightning, very very frightening me
Dennis Ritchie?  Kenneth Thompson?  Kirk McKusick?  Eric Allman
Someone help me!  Robert Pike?
Oh, Kernighan (-an -an -an -an -an)

I'm just a quick hack, nobody uses me
He just makes sockets in his address family
Spare him a buffer in high memory
bind(); accept(); msg_send(); will it let me go?
munmap();  NO!  It will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go			(LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go
		  Will not let you go oh, oh, oh, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
kill(0, SIGKILL), exit(0); exit(0); let me go!
BSDi has a daemon set aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can stomp on my stack space and text?
.. Skrog my image and data by calling exec()?
Ohh, page-d, can't do this to me page-d
Just gotta switch out, just context switch right out of here

Nothing really hashes, anyone can see
Every process thrashes, every disk drive crashes
On me

Any way the thread flows...

			- Music by Queen
			  Lyrics by R. Anderson
			  with posthumous apologies
			  to Freddie Mercury

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley California
Original : Hotel California
Group    : The Eagles
Author   : David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
Intro    : I remember getting a collection of computer songs of yours
	   a while ago.  Here's a song 3 of us made up recently in light of the
	   recent lawsuit between AT&T and BSDI, as well as the shift by Sun
	   (and others) away from Good Ol' BSD towards System V.
Song     :

    "Berkeley California"

(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)

 In a dark dim machine room
 Cool A/C in my hair
 Warm smell of silicon
 Rising up through the air
 Up ahead in the distance
 I saw a Solarian(tm) light
 My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
 I had to halt(8) for the night
 The backup spun in the tape drive
 I heard a terminal bell
 And I was thinking to myself
 This could be BSD or USL
 Then they started a lawsuit
 And they showed me the way
 There were salesmen down the corridor
 I thought I heard them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely place
 Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
 Any time of year
 Any time of year (backgrounded)
 You can find one here
 You can find one here

 Their code was definately twisted
 But they've got the stock market trends
 They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
 That they call friends
 How they dance in the courtroom
 See BSDI sweat
 Some sue to remember
 Some sue to forget
 So I called up Kernighan
 Please bring me ctime(3)
 He said
 We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
 And still those functions are calling from far away
 Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
 Just to hear them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely Place
 Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
 What a nice surprise
 What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
 Bring your alibies

 Windows NT a dreaming
 Pink OS on ice
 And they said
 We are all just prisoners here
 Of a marketing device
 And in the judges's chambers
 They gathered for the feast
 They diff(1)'d the source code listings
 But they can't kill -9 the beast
 Last thing I remember
 I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
 I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
 sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
 We are programmed to recv(2)
 You can swap out any time you like
 But you can never leave(1)

 [ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]

Written by David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
and Ken Hornstein <kenh@physci.psu.edu>
and a little help from Greg Nagy <nagy@cs.psu.edu>

and thanks to the lyrics archive at cs.uwp.edu

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley 4.3
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group    : Beatles
Author   : Jim Finnis
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

		In the RAM
		where I was forked,
		lived a ROM,
		who sailed the C...

		And he told,
		me of his life,
		in the Berkeley,
		4.3...

		We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
		Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
		We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
		Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.

				((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Boot It
Original : Beat it
Group    : Michael Jackson
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Boot It


You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.


Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,

So BOOT IT,

Get the system manager to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,

Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes,
man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,   Call the local guru to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky,
get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do itself.
BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Both Ways, Now
Original : Both Sides, Now
Group    : Joni Mitchell
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	       Both Ways, Now

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		 Both Sides, Now]


Decimal digits in a row,
Just set the dials and let 'er go.
The ENIAC was grossly slow --
    I used to code that way,
But then this Fortran came along;
I danced and sang a happy song:
So natural -- what could go wrong?
    I little knew, that day!
I've looked at Fortran both ways, now,
At II and IV, and still somehow,
It's rows of numbers I recall;
I really don't know Fortran at all.

Fortran IV is real good stuff,
But business hackers have it tough;
For them this Fortran's not enough --
    Then Cobol saved the day!
But now I sing a sad refrain;
This Cobol loss is no one's gain,
And writing programs is a pain
    (I get writer's cramp that way!)
I've looked at Cobol both ways, now,
I code in it, and still somehow,
It's FORMAT statements I recall;
I really don't know Cobol at all.

Cobol will for business do;
Accounts and payroll make it through
(And bills for zero dollars too --
    I get them every day!)
But those who hack symbolic frobs
Cannot make do with Cobol jobs,
And now I sing through anguished sobs,
    But Lisp is here to stay.
I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now,
At lambda forms, and still somehow,
It's Cobol statements I recall;
I really don't know Lisp at all.


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Joni Mitchell)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Boys of HP
Original : The Boys of Summer
Group    : Don Henley
Author   : Adam Sah <aos@max.physics.sunysb.edu>
Intro    : This reminds me of something we printed here in C.S. Major Magazine
	    regarding our beloved Hewlett-Packard 300 Series...
Song     :

The Boys of HP     (sung to the tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley)
--------------
			      (csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1)
Nobody in the room
no cursor on the screen
I feel it in the air
'csfs1 not responding'
empty disk, empty screen,
the server goes down alone
I was logged into my account
and I know you have no phone.

I can see it
the workstation's collecting dust
You've got your 'console long:'
and your blank screen, baby.
And I can tell you
I'll never get my source by dawn
once the boys from HP have gone.

I'll never forget those night.
I wonder if I ever got to sleep?
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how _you_ made _me_ scream?
I don't understand what happened to my source
If I can't ever get it back,
I'm sure you have no remorse.

I can see it
the system crashing on me
you've got your pinstriped suit
and your corporate paranoia, baby.
And I can tell you
my love for this will still be strong
after the boys of HP have gone

Out in the corridors I saw
    a bunch of lost programmers
A little voice inside my head say,
    "Don't buy more,
     you should never buy more"
I thought I knew where my source was
What did I know?
Those servers are gone forever,
I should just let them go, but-

I can see it-
your drives eating my work
You've got that salesman's pitch
and your demo running baby.
and I can tell you-
my love for CS will still be strong
even after the boys from HP have gone.

(c) 1991 by Adam Sah

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Bug Came Back
Original : The Cat Came Back
Group    : Harry Miller
Author   : Joel Polowin
Intro    : I'd like to submit the following for your consideration.
	   Copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Permission is hereby granted to
	   reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its
	   content is not altered and that this notice is appended.  I would
	   appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
	   Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston,Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9
	   polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA
Song     :

The Bug Came Back
-----------------
 (Copyright 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Music: "The Cat Came Back" by Harry Miller)

The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,
Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.
But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -
Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -

     (Chorus:)
     But the bug came back, the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner
     But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.

We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch
To find out where the new and older versions didn't match.
A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;
We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -

     (Chorus)

We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL
And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.
Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;
The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -

     (Chorus)

We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -
And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.
But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -
Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...

     (Chorus)

We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,
With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,
But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer --
A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?

     (Chorus)

(Last verse and corresponding alternate chorus are optional:)

We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:
A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired
Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be gassed.
A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...

     But the cat came back the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner
     But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Bye, Bye, System
Original : Bye, Bye, Baby
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

			 Bye, Bye, System

			(to Bye, Bye, Baby)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     Pack up all your I and O.
     Here we go.
     Core is low.
     Bye, bye, system.

     Watch the swapper swap you out.
     Moan and cry,
     Scream and shout.
     Bye, bye, system.

     No interpreter can understand me.
     SOS has given up and banned me.

     Rib block errors did me in.
     JD swapped,
     Just can't win.
     System, bye, bye.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Bye Bye, Unix
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Cathy Flint, Eric Griswold, Scott Neugroschl
Intro    : I went back to my old alma-mader, UC Santa Cruz, a week ago.
	   Things there always seem to be getting worse, although everybody
	   admits it's still better than Berkeley.   Anyway, the current
	   rage is to make fun of the CIS (Computer & Informational Sciences)
	   department political situation through song verses.   The following
	   is a typical example, even though some of it isn't true......
Song     :

	American Pie --- Hacker Style

    Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
    How UNIX used to make me smile...
    And I knew that with a login name
    That I could play those UNIX games
    And maybe hack some programs for a while.
    But February made me shiver
    With every program I'd deliver
    Bad news on the doorstep,
    I couldn't take one more spec...
    I can't remember getting smashed
    When I heard about the system crash
    And all the passwords got rehashed
    The Day That UNIX Died...
    And I was singing:

    Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye."
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
    This'll be the day that I die

    Did you write the new games shell
    And do you have faith in the manual?
    If b:dennie tells you so...
    Well, do you believe in UNIX C
    Can hacking save you memory
    And can you tell me why vi's so slow
    Well, I know that you're in love with C
    'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
    You just kicked off your shoes
    Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
    I was a lonely young computer geek
    With a program due 'most every week
    But I guess that I was meant to freak
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And I was singin:

    (chorus)

    Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
    The professor really is an ass.
    But that's not how it used to be...
    When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
    And user limits could go to hell
    And there was still space on UNIX C.
    And while the board was looking 'round
    The Chancellor brought the budget down
    The classes were adjourned
    Evaluations weren't returned
    And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
    The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
    And we wrote programs that weren't whole
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin'...

    (chorus)

    Helter skelter in the summer swelter
    I went in the lab to find some shelter
    Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
    C stayed up for ten whole days
    The hackers really were amazed
    Wonderin' how long it all would last.
    Well, both the forums were really great
    Nobody got us all irate
    We had a stroke of luck
    The system was not fucked
    'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
    The UNDR-shell was really keen
    Do you recall what was the scene
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin...

    (chorus)

    Our programs were all in one place,
    UNIX had run out of space
    With no time left to start again...
    So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
    Use every programming trick
    'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
    And as I watched the system fill
    My login process would be killed.
    The system just went down
    Consternation up at Crown!!!!
    The hours went on into the night
    And all that we could do was rite
    I saw Dennie laughing with delight
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And he was singin'...

    (chorus)

    I met a girl who sang the blues
    And I asked her for some stat lab news
    But she just cursed and said "grow up"
    I went down through the stat lab door
    Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
    But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
    And in the halls the students screamed,
    The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
    But not a word was spoken
    The Vaxes all were broken
    And the three folks I admire most
    The Father, Frank, and a.g.'s ghost
    They caught the last train for the coast
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And they were singin...

    So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye"
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...

		    (with apologies to Don McLean)

			    -- Cathy Flint
			       Eric Griswold
			       Scott Neugroschl


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Title:          CAMM (Crustified Ancient of Main Memory)
Original:       Justified Ancients of Moo Moo
Groyp:          KLF
Author:         Jonathan Dursi (dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca)
Intro:		C          CAMM - Crustified Ancient of Main Memory.
		C
		C  This came out of the depths of despair while I was modifying
		C  A *really* old, *really* big (IMHO) FORTRAN program, that
		C  is CPU intensive and *seriously* inefficient.
		C
		C  It just sort of appeared in my editor while I was working
		C  on the thing.  And it produced fewer compilation errors
		C  than the rest of it...
		C
		C  My sincerest of apologies to the KLF.
		C                  - Jonathan Dursi
		C                    dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca
Song:


Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it loves to use up RAM.

(from 1K to the top!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it's code I don't understand.

(and it's big, and it's BIG, and it's *BIG* now!)

He pulled me out of class, you see,
 He said, "Dursi, _you_ know FORTRAN!
I doubt that you'll like what you're *going* to do,
 But you'd better start now, because we need it soon!"

(Bring my 'C' back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it eats CPU, that CAMM...

(at least a GigaFLOP!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 "But sir, I had other plans..."

(That's too bad, that's too bad, that's too bad now!)

The last compile started half hour ago,
 And the users are starting to mob!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN,
 Then someone started screaming, turn off that job!

(give the keyboard back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

(Cruftified and ancient,
 Ancient and it's cruftified,
Will not compile though I've tried and tried,
 With the errors in the go-tos,
Common Blocks and Do-loops
 In the hundred thousand lines of the CAMM.

I'd really like to take a nap,
 'Cuz I know what time it is,
But I think it will compile if I change this line...
 Oops, well, guess not, looks like I'll be
Fishing through the listings all night.

Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!

VAX Pascal!
 Starting to look pretty good.
VAX FORTRAN?
 Bring my 'C' Back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Can't parse this
Original : U Can't Touch This
Group    : MC Hammer
Author   : patrick widener <pmw3y@acacia.cs.Virginia.EDU>
Intro    : rap it to the tune of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer,
	   and watch your phrasing.... :)
Song     :


can't parse this


my assignments hit me so hard
make me say, "oh my lord
thank you for blessin me
with a load to code and a 2 hype seat"
right here, in front of a Sparc
looks good in the light, looks better in the dark
but it tells me -  in a manner quite harsh
"This is a string I can't parse"

(I told ya, kludge-boy)
Can't Parse This
(yea, a fatal error and you know)
Can't Parse This
(look at that code, maaaan)
Can't Parse This
(yo lemme bust some funky diagnostics)

"fresh new bugs, and errors
your code is more than compiler terror
it's rotten - to the core
i don't like it but you know i'll get more
than i can handle
hold on
identifier not found or your semicolon's gone
step back - step back
can't you see i'm developing a crack
in my hardware - your code's a farce
cause this is a string I Can't Parse"

(yo i told ya)
Can't Parse This
(why you sittin there, man)
Can't Parse This
(yo, sound the terminal bell, ya got mail, sucka)

compile-time bugs disrupt my rhythm
it's tellin me trash is what i'm givin him
it's garbage, in and out
but instead of a nice little a.out
i get feedback
fed back
to me by this here RISC machine
no fun
what's it gonna take in the 90s to run these programs
4GLs?
either learn those or wind up in hell

that's longWORD because you know
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

top-down!

Stop!  Compile Time!

go with the flow
it is said if you can't write in C then you probably are dead
so wave K&R in the air
waste a few nights, run your fingers thru your hair
this is it
no dinner - code like this and you'll surely get thinner
sitting

on your rump
watch your machine cause it's gonna do a dump
dump dump dump (core dumped)

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
(ya better get Turbo cause I can't)
I Can't Parse This
(ring the bell, your mail's been returned)

shutdown!

Stop!  Link Time!

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

slowdown!
Stop!  Run Time!

every time I program
it complains about my code
maybe i'm in the wrong book or Emacs is in the wrong mode
now i know that i'll never stop doing this
cause our 3rd party software keeps on giving us fits
i did an RTFM
read K&R all day
it's "Error!" "Big Error!" "Nasty Error!" "FATAL ERROR!"
so instead i'll go and play

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
I Can't Parse This
(yeah)
Can't Parse This
(i told ya, wahoos,)
Can't Parse This
(too many symbols)
Can't Parse This
(yo, we're outa here)
Can't P-- bus error (core dumped)

(c) 1991 Radio Free Lerxstwood


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : C Hacker in Paradise
Original : Cheeseburger in Paradise
Group    : Jimmy Buffett
Author   : Ulrika Bornetun
Intro    : I'm being forced to write X/Motif programs in Ada, need I say more?
Song     :

	   Tried to amend my low-level habits
	   started learning Ada last fall
	   Writing tasks with conditional rendez-vous calls
	   Raising lots'a exceptions and handling them all
	   But at night I had these wonderful dreams
	   some kind of sensuous treat
	   Not of subtypes or generics or packages
	   but of function pointers and binary trees

	   ( I was a...)
	   C hacker in paradise
	   putting my flags in an integer slice
	   Using K&R to be more precise
	   I'm just a C hacker in paradise

	   Heard about some of our managers
	   they want to do everything with a tool
	   Classes you browse by clicking with the mouse
	   Well it reminds me of some stuff I saw in primary school!
	   But I am not so easy to break;
	   When I'm at work I keep fighting back
	   Not with methods, drag-and-drop or a Hypercard stack
	   But with that miracle language in which I hack!

	   C hacker in paradise
	   writing code that's already optimized
	   putting my flags in an integer slice
	   I'm just a C hacker in paradise

	   I write all my functions with recursion
	   using implicit pointer conversion
	   Back with a longjmp and then a goto
	   Oh, good God almighty which way should I go

	   to be a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   Making all operations bitwise
	   Writing right onto the raw device
	   Yes, I'm a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   I'll be a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   I'm just a
	   C hacker in paradise

	   I write all ...

	   C hacker in paradise ....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Chilled Water Waltz
Original : The Tennessee Waltz
Group    : ?
Author   : Amy Turner <tva!ltturne.office@mhs.attmail.com>
Intro    : My contribution was inspired a few years back by a Cray that was
	   cooled by chilled water.  Every other day, it seemed, the
	   chilled water system would die, leaving us with no computer
	   on which to compute.
	   The tune is "The Tennessee Waltz".
Song     :

	      THE CHILLED WATER WALTZ

I was workin' and computin' on a week's worth of data
When the system just happened to crash.
I was cussin' and complainin', and while I was waitin'
My data was turned into trash.

I remember that night, how I turned and I tossed
Thinkin' 'bout all that work I had lost.
Yes, I lost two weeks of slavin' while the Muzak was playin'
The beautiful chilled water waltz.

When I found there was no backup, then I tore out my hair
'Cause I just didn't know what to do.
I had printed all my output, but that didn't work either;
All my print jobs were stuck in the queue.

I remember the day I accepted this job
And was told of the system's great faults.
Hope I never have the pleasure of hearing even one more measure
Of the sickening chilled water waltz.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : COBOL Programmer's Swing
Original : Washington & Lee Swing
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    :
Song     :

		     COBOL Programmer's Swing

	      (to the tune of Washington & Lee Swing)
		 by Bill Laubenheimer ?? ** SFC **


     A COBOL program never turns out right
     Though you may labor far into the night
     And though you work until your dying day
     It never will be quite okay-ay-ay-ay-ay

     And when you think that all the bugs are gone
     The fact is you are likely very wrong
     And when you finally have it going straight (going
	 straight)
     It's .... too .... late!!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Code-a-lot
Original : Camelot
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    : ...on the occasion of converting from RSTS to UNIX.
Song     :


			    Code-a-lot

		     (to the tune of Camelot)
			  by Brad Needham


     I welcome you to UNIX Version seven
     The operating system we just bought.
     It's running on our PDP-11
     It's CODE-A-LOT

     To have small files is certainly no disgrace
     The users of them have not been forgot
     For allocators do not waste your disk space
     In CODE-A-LOT

     CODE-A-LOT! CODE-A-LOT!
     Its pure simplicity beguiles.
     E.g. in CODE-A-LOT (CODE-A-LOT!)
     Directories are files.

     The output of a simple 'list directory'
     Is input for the program down the line
     You easily have got
     Exactly what you sought
     Through one brief line of input
     Using tools of CODE-A-LOT.

     CODE-A-LOT! CODE-A-LOT!
     No program-keys to cut and paste
     For in CODE-A-LOT (CODE-A-LOT!)
     You build commands to suit your taste.

     Your objects never lag behind your source code
     Upon request, new versions must appear.
     In short, there's simple not
     A more convenient spot
     For happy-every-aftering
     Than here in CODE-A-LOT!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Comp Sci Serenade
Original : My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Terry Bollinger & The Watt Five
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Comp Sci Serenade

		(to My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)
		by Terry Bollinger & The Watt Five


     My program lies under the backlog,
     My card deck's all over the floor,
     The plotter is using a crayon,
     And I just can't take any more.

     Chorus:
	   Bring out, bring out,
	   Oh, bring out my printout today, today!
	   Bring out, bring out,
	   The one you ripped off yesterday.

     The card reader chewed up my job card,
     And someone erased all my files,
     The system has been down for hours,
     While people collapse in the aisles.

     Chorus:
	   Flunk out, flunk out,
	   I worked like a dog each and every day!
	   Flunk out, flunk out,
	   Twelve projects were due yesterday!

     Security holes I've discovered,
     The records of grades are now mine.
     What once was a one point five average,
     Is now a three point nine nine!

     Chorus:
	   Send out, send out,
	   Oh, send out those grades to big companies!
	   Send out, send out,
	   They'll all want a scholar like me!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Computerbury Tales
Original : The Canterbury Tales
Group    : Geoffrey Chaucer
Author   : Anthony Berno
Intro    : I was recently given an architecture assignment that
	   required me to write a paper describing the design features of the
	   Alpha. With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer, I would like to share
	   with you the text of what I'm handing in tomorrow:
Song     :


The Computerbury Tales
by Anthony Berno


General Prologue

When the Vaxen with their markets pooped,
The swarms of RISC hath made their beauty moot,
And bathed every system in such high power,
Which engendered the Architect's ardor;

When journals with their reviewers' teeth,
Inspired fear in DEC's elite,
The young Radicals, and there are some,
Hath RISC in hand, and had some fun.

But the Managers made as if to flee,
Forsaking the new technology,
As if the Vaxen were entrenched,
So no such clever chip,
Could save the company.

It happened, an assignment on a day,
In Usenet, at comp.arch as I lay,
Ready to begin another flame,
On architecture, my knowledge lame,
An email happened to arrive; Creativity, it was said,
Does not substitute for the thread
Of clarity and knowledge.

"But amuse me if you must",
The Professor said; I trust,
This tale is appropriate and informed,
So as to raise the level of the norm,
And educate, if not to please.

I think it of good reason,
To tell you of the condition
Of architecture, in nineteen-ninety-three,
How RISC cheered, "I've won, I've won!"
As CISC goes to the garbage bin,
So it is with Alpha I begin.



The Alpha's Tale

All round the Alpha gathered we,
No tale of woe or misery
Would taint this young'ns tale,
Not one year old, he hails
from DEC, yet can outrun
Every other solution,
And so begins his story.

"The Architects, of my homeland DEC,
Were mired, entrapped in dreck,
Of VAX compatibility.
They assumed the liability
Of a new chip, a bold approach,
But to be beyond reproach,
They needed to port old VMS,
(an OS in extreme duress)
Cleanly and with no compromise.

A binary translator, they soon found,
Was technologically sound,
Since microcode was no longer nice,
They took the industry's good advice,
and looked ahead to see what they would need.

'Two hundred MHz', they did accede,
'And three orders of magnitude
Improvement in its fortitude
Over a quarter century
Would be more than plenty
To ensure a market lead.'

Spartan was my birth indeed,
No lot of warts and stuff,
Only what was just enough
For scalability and speed.
No arithmetic traps in hardware, please,
Software does it just as well,
And does not cause the alarum bell
To ring, unless you so assign.


Like the other RISC designs,
Operations are quite short and small,
Load/Store, Branch and ALU, that's all,
But for the clever PAL,
With primitives, they do tell,
Not quite like microcode, they are routines
Privileged for that software queen,
The operating system. Changed they can be,
To benefit systems not yet conceived,
Or languages that will leave you peeved,
Without bias; all are welcome here.

Sixty four bits allays the fear,
Of addresses which exhaust the clout
Of processors, at about
Six tenths of a bit a year; this chip,
Would never cast a doubt, a blip
Of falling to the evil ways
Of segmentation, or other forays
Into doom, like Precision Architecture did.

Multiple instruction launch, a bid
For tenfold bettering, in time,
Of execution of a program, mine
To have with better compilers,
And a scaled up design. Aside from that,
A faster clock would give another
Improvement in speed, but another
Factor of ten would be desired.

Parallel machines are all the rage, but mired,
In difficult synchronization grief,
Yet that extra speed, it is their belief,
Comes from more of us, it seems,
So the Architects, inspired by some dream,
Gave me a unique interlocking scheme,
That works with the fastest caches,
(Though this subject is one which clashes
With the well-being of my poor brain.)


Though many things were retained
From RISC, many had to be discarded;
Branch delays leave chips a bit retarded,
And compromise scalability. Predictive logic,
with compiled-in hints as to the target,
Are the future. Hints indeed are well suggested,
And exist for memory, as it's ingested
By a running process. Address mapping, in the virtual sense,
Is also hinted, although this makes sense,
Only to a wizard, I fear.
(Certainly, there are none here!)

Finally, I must confess,
I was made originally to impress
The scientists with their Vaxen,
So I needed some attraction
To these folks with reams of data.
I was thus endowed with formats four
for floating point; the original VAX, and more,
IEEE is there, and my routines
For integer conversion, I wene,
Should enjoy their approval.

But, (he said with dismal voice)
Hackers may no longer have a choice
About using compilers. Assembled code will run,
but writing it will not be fun, and it will lack finesse.
Compiler writers, on the other hand,
Will be very much in demand,
To make the humblest code run faster.
Indeed, it will be a master
Who can write compilers for my interface -
if single instructions are hard to trace,
Try two, or five, or ten at once.

For speed, my modest design fronts
Multiple instructions, you see,
Since much of my design is free
To work when other parts are taken.
Scalability is what brings home the bacon."

HIs tale all done, smitten were we,
With such insightful technology,
Like a fine Bordeaux, he could
Be drunken today, but would
Be better in a few years time.

This young Alpha, first in line
Of a family of amazing power,
Fearsome indeed, we could but lower
Our eyes, for no barbing jest
Or tale that could best
The Alpha's story came into our minds.

"Worry not", said he, "That was but the Marketer's line,
And money talks; just wait and see
If the Architect's delivery
Lives up to the marketing hype."

The Alpha was correct; his life
Depended on inventions which,
Although likely, still had yet to be.
Yet though he made that warning,
Tomorrow brought a morning,
One bit closer to the day,
When our users would be forced to say
That we'd run out of steam.

Humbled were we by Alpha's dream,
With shaky steps we continued on,
Our journey seeming ever long,
Unto our fate: Anon.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Computerized Girl
Original : Material Girl
Group    : Madonna
Author   : Ulrika Bornetun
Intro    : I wrote this song for my boyfriend a while ago, and sorry guys, he
	    IS an awesome Motif hacker.
Song     :

	   Some  boys kiss me, some boys hug me
	   I think they're OK
	   If they can't help me with my callbacks
	   I just walk away.

	   They can beg and they can plead
	   but they can't see the light
	   Cause the boy who knows Motif
	   is always Mister Right.

	   Cause we are living in a computerized world
	   and I am a computerized girl
	   You know that we are living in a computerized world
	   and I am a computerized girl.

	   Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
	   That's all right with me
	   If they can't raise my windows then I
	   have to let them be

	   Some boys try and some boys lie but
	   I don't let them play
	   Only boys that know their X calls
	   make my buggy day

	   Cause we are living ...

	   Boys may come and boys may go
	   and that's all right you see
	   Experience had taught me X
	   and now they're after me.

	   Cause you know that we are living ....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Computer Man
Original : Piano Man
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : ?Bruce Gaya
Intro    :
Song     :

Computer Man


It's 10 AM on a Wednesday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man up at the blackboard
Getting off on programs that ``win''

He says ``Son, you will build an automata
I'm not really sure how it goes
But its cycles are neat
And I knew it complete
When I wore an undergrad's clothes''

(Chorus)
Write me some code, you're a computer man
Write me some code tonight
I expect you'll be thinking of suicide
If your program's not running tonight.

Now John the TA is a friend of mine
And he gets  CPU's for free
Now he's quick with his hacks
That will prop up the Vax
But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He said ``Bill, I believe this is killing me!''
As the smile ran away from his face
``Yes I'm sure that I could get my Ph.D
If I could get out of this place.''

Now Bruce is a permanent student
Who has programmed most of his life
And he's talking to Davy
Who's still at Carnegie
And probably will be for life

And the faculty's  practicing politics
As their graduates slowly grow old
They say ``Think of the thrill and accomplishment
That writing a paper will hold''

(Repeat Chorus)

I've done a pretty good job on my Master's
And my advisor gives me a smile
`cause when guys like me
will do research for free
His job is secure for a while

And recruiters, they call on the telephone
and they offer me plant trips and beer
They look me in the eye
Then say with a sigh
``MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!''

(Repeat Chorus)

	*** the names used above are taken from Joel's
	    original lyrics and do not denote real people.

	--- Adapted by Bruce Gaya ;
	    a recent MSEE from Carnegie-Mellon University
	    Mail and Post at will.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Computer Nevermore
Original : The Raven
Group    : Edgar Allan Poe
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

With my fingers pale and trembling,
SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
ROh no--my data base,S I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And thatUs the tale I have to tell
Your choice:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Control-C Song
Original : Don't Fence Me In
Group    : ?
Author   :  PMW, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Control-C Song


		(to the tune of Don't Fence Me In)
		     by PMW, from DEC archives


     If you log on the -10 'cause you want to run some
	 code...

	HIT CONTROL-C

     If the system is slow 'cause its got a great big load...

	HIT CONTROL-C

     If your code isn't givin' you the right reaction,
     You're stuck in a loop, you ain't gettin' no action,
     One thing you can do to get some satisfaction...

	HIT CONTROL-C


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Core dumped blues
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : (from Fortune file on IBM RISC 6000)
Song     :


Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got no Mail
	And I can't recall the last time my Program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got array in my queues,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that's nice that you get what you C,
	Then go : illogical statment with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
	I've got the : Segmentation violatien -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tape would freeze,
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CPU Delight
Original : Afternoon Delight
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :
			    CPU Delight

		      (to Afternoon Delight)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     Started out one morning with a hopeful heart.
     Sitting down at a terminal all ready to start.
     My fingers stretching out to hit the terminal keys,
     Just waiting for the sign that says "login please."

     Chorus:
	      Words, nybbles, and bytes,
	      CPU delights,
	      CPU delights,
	      CPU delights.

     Came back later on to run "space-point-bas"
     Hoping that the system wouldn't want to crash.
     Found dinner time had passed before I was through,
     My program taking minutes in the CPU.

     (Chorus)

     Be running UNIX when I'm logging on.
     We'll be running "RIVER" 'til the night is gone.

     Sunrise's time to run the program called "account,"
     Finding out I've overspent it by a huge amount.
     But to get the program running is my one delight.
     So, I'm sitting here typing 'til the morning light.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Crasher's Song
Original : Teddy Bears' Picnic
Group    : ?
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Crasher's Song


	       (to the tune of Teddy Bears' Picnic)
			 from DEC archives



     If you log on to the -10 today...
	you're sure of a big suprise.
     The monitor runs on the -10 today,
	with nary a lone demise.

     There's not a bug, a halt, or a pause,
	a hang, a crash, or reload because...
     Today's the day the programmers keep their hands off.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRASH! goes the System
Original : POP goes the weasel
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :  Here's one my father wrote some years ago.  It used to hang
	     on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space
	     Flight Center (NASA).
Song     :

		CRASH! goes the System

	Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk
	No use to hope you missed them
	That's the way computing goes--
	CRASH! goes the system.

	Go exchange the circuit boards
	Try and use your wisdom
	No way will you catch that bug--
	CRASH! goes the system.

	Our pride and joy has features galore
	It takes a day to list them
	And none of them can be used any more--
	CRASH! goes the system.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Crash of the Ten and Eleven
Original : The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
Group    : ?
Author   : Abe Friedman & Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

		  The Crash of the Ten and Eleven


	      (to The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)
	     by Abe Friedman & Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     The memories live on from the Tower on down
     Of the time Jonny Day did endeavor
     To save the accounts that were scrambled or lost
     In the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

     Does anyone know where the users can go
     When the systems are hopelessly tangled,
     When the tapes and the disks are in snarls and twists
     And the files are shredded and mangled?

     The DEC men one day came down Baltimore way
     On a routine maintenance mission.
     And when they were through everybody would rue
     The computer's down-hearted condition.

     Pity ECAS when the entire class
     Found only one block in the core.
     When anyone logged in the whole system fell in
     'Cause the Ten couldn't take any more.

     Strange the commands of the SF crazed fans
     When they came down to print out their songbook.
     The Eleven got worse with each new obscene verse
     Which brought many foul curses and long looks.

     With terrible smiles they created new files
     'Til the Eleven, it just couldn't take it.
     Though Vandelinde swore, it would process no more
     And not even Erol could make it.

     So now JHU had possession of two
     Computers that sat there and quivered.
     And so Garland called over to Barton Hall
     "From this fate we must all be delivered."

     And there Jonny Day could find nothing to say
     As his eyes gazed upward to Heaven.
     He silently prayed to be whisked far away
     From the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

     But brave Jonny Day knew there was much work to do
     And he knew that he'd better get to it,
     For the faculty had said they would have Jonny's head
     If by lunchtime he hadn't got through it.

     So taking a look in his maintenance book
     And turning to page forty-seven
     In the hope it would tell of the magical spell
     That would cure the Ten and Eleven,

     He read of the way he could rescue the Day
     And calm the neurotic computers.
     The way to the core was a game of seawar
     With the ships all manned by superusers.

     Oh, the game that they had in the Undergrad Lab
     Is a take that's worthy of singing,
     For the echoing sound of each ship going down
     Was the bells in their Tower a-ringing.

     And so the DEC Ten, it was working again
     And, too by the graces of Heaven,
     Were the tapes and the disks that had been sorely missed
     On the E.E. Department's Eleven.

     The legend lived on from the Tower on down
     Of Jon Day and the way he endeavored
     To save the accounts that were scrambled or lost
     In the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRAY-S's coolant
Original : Octopusse's Garden
Group    : Beatles
Author   : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett)
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

		I'd like to be
		under the sea,
		in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade

		This freon gas
		will freeze my ass,
		in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Cycles For Nothing
Original : Money For Nothing
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Matt Crawford <matt@oddjob.uchicago.edu>
Intro    :
Song     :

		Cycles For Nothing

(i want my
 i want my
 i want my X-MP!)

Now look at them yo-yo's that's
	the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin' that's the way
	you do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
Now that ain't hackin' that's the way
	you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark
	system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

See the kid professor with the blue
	jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel
	prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked
	up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line
And in there, what's that?
	A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some
	chimpanzees
That ain't hackin' that's the way you
	do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run


		by Matt Crawford


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Dasi, Dasi
Original : A Bicycle Built For Two
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman
Intro    :
Song     :

			    Dasi, Dasi

		   (to A Bicycle Built For Two)
	     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman


     Dasi, Dasi, give me my output, do.
     I'm half crazy waiting for you to get through.
     I don't understand why it's taking
     So long for the process I'm making.
     I don't ask much,
     But it is such
     A bore sitting waiting for you.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Data-comm Song
Original : Home on the Range)
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

			The Data-comm Song


		(to the tune of Home on the Range)
			 from DEC archives


     Oh give me a line which stays up all the time
      and a modem which won't drop a bit
     And nodes, by the peck, which all run up to spec.
      And a telephone linemans' tool kit

	      Dee, dee, see em pee
	 (DDCMP)
	       Pee dee pee 10, see pee you
	 (PDP-10, CPU)
	      En ess pee, are jay E
	 (NSP, RJE)
	       En see el, see are see
	 (NCL, CRC)
	      E eye aye, are ess too 30 too
	 (EIA, RS-232)

     We've now got a net, without any sweat
      With routing and route-through to boot
     And, quick as a wink, we've avoided Bisync
      And distributed we can compute

	      See, see, eye tee tea
	 (CCITT)
	       Ess dee el see, bee ess see
	 (SLDC, BSC)
	      Ess why en, dee el E
	 (SYN, DLE)
	       Ess oh H, E tea bee
	 (SOH, ETB)
	      Ess tee eks, for . too kay H zee
	 (ETX, 4.2kHz)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Day Bell System Died
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Lauren Weinstein <vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM>
Intro    : Greetings.  With the massive changes now taking place in the
	    telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with
	    seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding
	    the various effects now beginning to take place.  However, one
	    important element has been missing: a song!  Since the great
	    Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now
	    attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious
	    look at a possible future of telecommunications.  This work is
	    entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be
	    interpreted in a non-satirical manner.  The song should be sung
	    to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie".
	    I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"...
Song     :
		   *==================================*
		   * Notice: This is a satirical work *
		   *==================================*

	                "The Day Bell System Died"

	       Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein
		                                           	
     	             (To the tune of "American Pie")
		     (With apologies to Don McLean)

  ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM
  UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren


Long, long, time ago,
I can still remember,
When the local calls were "free".
And I knew if I paid my bill,
And never wished them any ill,
That the phone company would let me be...

But Uncle Sam said he knew better,
Split 'em up, for all and ever!
We'll foster competition:
It's good capital-ism!

I can't remember if I cried,
When my phone bill first tripled in size.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Is your office Step by Step,
Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet?
Everybody used to ask...
Oh, is TSPS coming soon?
IDDD will be a boon!
And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon...

The color phones are really neat,
And direct dialing can't be beat!
My area code is "low":
The prestige way to go!

Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime!
Well, I suppose it's about time.
I remember how the payphones chimed,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Back then we were all at one rate,
Phone installs didn't cause debate,
About who'd put which wire where...
Installers came right out to you,
No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo,
And 411 was free, seemed very fair!

But FCC wanted it seems,
To let others skim long-distance creams,
No matter 'bout the locals,
They're mostly all just yokels!

And so one day it came to pass,
That the great Bell System did collapse,
In rubble now, we all do mass,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

I drove on out to Murray Hill,
To see Bell Labs, some time to kill,
But the sign there said the Labs were gone.
I went back to my old CO,
Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago,
But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn...

No relays pulsed,
No data crooned,
No MF tones did play their tunes,
There wasn't a word spoken,
All carrier paths were broken...

And so that's how it all occurred,
Microwave horns just nests for birds,
Everything became so absurd,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

We were singing:

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Day SunOS Died
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : N. R. Norm Lunde <norm@ctr.columbia.edu>
Intro    : I made up the following bit of filk during a Computability class.
	   Hope you like it.
Song     :


The Day SunOS Died
===================
Lyrics by N. R. "Norm" Lunde.
Apologies to Don McLean.

Remember when those guys out West
With their longish hair and paisley vests
Were starting up, straight out of UCB?
They used those Motorola chips
Which at the time were really hip
And looked upon the world through VME.
Their first attempt ran like a pig
But it was the start of something big;
They called the next one the Sun-2
And though they only sold a few
It soon gave birth unto the new
Sun-3 which was their pride
And now they're singing

	"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
	 ATT System V has replaced BSD.
	 You can cling to the standards of the industry
	 But only if you pay the right fee --
	 Only if you pay the right fee . . ."

The hardware wasn't all they sold.
Their Berkeley port was solid gold
And interfaced with System V, no less!
They implemented all the stuff
That Berkeley thought would be enough
Then added RPC and NFS.
It was a lot of code to cram
Into just four megs of RAM.
The later revs were really cool
With added values like SunTools
But then they took us all for fools
By peddling Solaris . . .
And they were singing,
	<chorus>

They took a RISC and kindled SPARC.
The difference was like light and dark.
The Sun-4s were the fastest and the best.
The user base was having fun
Installing SunOS 4.1
But what was coming no one could have guessed.
The installed base was sound
And software did abound.
While all the hackers laughed and played
Already plans were being made
To make the dubious "upgrade"
To Sun's new Solaris . . .
And Sun was singing,
	<chorus>

The cartridge tapes were first to go --
The CD-ROM's a must, you know
And floppy drives will soon go out the door.
I tried to call and ask them why
But they took away my TTY
And left my modem lying on the floor.
While they were on a roll
They moved the damned Control.
The Ethernet's now twisted pair
Which no one uses anywhere.
ISDN is still more rare --
The bandwidth's even less!
But still they're singing
	<chorus>

But worst of all is what they've done
To software that we used to run
Like dbx and even /bin/cc.
Compilers now have license locks
Wrapped up in OpenWindows crocks --
We even have to pay for GCC!
The applications broke;
/usr/local went up in smoke.
The features we've depended on
Before too long will all be gone
But Sun, I'm sure, will carry on
By peddling Solaris,
Forever singing,
	<chorus>


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The DEC Man cometh
Original : The Gas Man cometh
Group    : Michael Flounders and Donald Swan
Author   : Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info     : Ever have one of those days...
Song     :

Twas on the Monday morning the DEC man came to call
The VAX wouldn't boot -- we weren't getting VAX at all
He tore out all the cables winding around the VAX
And we had to call the hardware guys in to put them back again.

<Chorus> Oh it all makes work for the working man to do

Twas on the Tuesday morning their technician came 'round
He soldered and he tested and said "Look what I've found"
"Your ROMs are all the old versions, but I'll put them all to right"
Then he shorted out a cable, and out down all the Suns

<Chorus>

Was on a Wednesay morning the Sun technican came
He called me Mr Sanderson which isn't quite me name
He couldn't fix the server without our CD drive
And as root on the SG he typed 'unlink /', so we called SGI in

<Chorus>

Was on the Thursday morning the SGI rep came along
With his mini-root tapes and his manuals and his merry SGI song
He reinstalled the system -- it took no time at all
But we had to get the Next people in to come and fix the NFS

<Chorus>

Was on a Friday morning the Next man made a start
With mounts and exports he crossmounted every disk
Every machine and every directory, but I found when he was gone
He changed some IP addresses, and our VAX had gone!

<Chorus>

On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all
So was on the Monday morning that the VAX man came to call...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DECman
Original : The Gas Man Cometh
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Author   : Tony Duell
Intro    : This is dedicated to all those who called out DEC field service
	    for a simple problem, and wished you hadn't..........
Song     :


It was on a Monday morning
The DEC man came to call,
My system wouldn't boot
There was no prompt at all
He pulled out all my SPC's
To try a new backplane
And I had to get the hardware guys
to put them back again
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Tuesday morning
The hardware man came round
He soldered and he fiddled
And he said 'Look what I've found'
'Your ECOs are years behind'
'But I'll put it all to rights'
Then he shorted out the power supply
and out went all the lights
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Wednesday morning
The power supply came
'It's newer and it's better'
'But it works just the same'
He could not fit the unit
without stripping half the rack
then he dropped my boot HDA
so He called Peripherals back
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Thursday morning
The HDA came along
with a blocklist and a cable
and a list of what goes wrong
He put it into my drive
It took no time at all
But I had to get the software guys
to come and re-install
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do

It was on a Friday morning
That Software made a start
With BACKUP and SYSGEN
He configured every part
Every track and every sector
But I found when he was gone
He had overwritten the boot track
and I couldn't turn it on

  On saturday and Sunday They do no work at all
  So It was on a Monday morning that the DEC man came to call


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Destruction
Original : As The Caissons Go Rolling Along
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			    Destruction

	 (to the tune of As The Caissons Go Rolling Along)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller



     Scratch the disks, dump the core,
     Roll the tapes across the floor,
     And the system is going to crash.
     Teletypes, smashed to bits,
     Give the scopes some nasty hits,
     And the system is going to crash.
     And we've also found
     When you turn the power down,
     You turn all the disk drives into trash!
     Oh, its so much fun,
     Now the CPU won't run,
     And the system is going to crash.

     Shut it down, pull the plug,
     Give the core an extra tug,
     And the system is going to crash.
     Mem'ry cards, one and all,
     Toss them halfway down the hall,
     And the system is going to crash.
     We'll just flip one switch,
     And the lights will cease to twitch,
     And the tapedrives will crumble in a flash.
     When the C-P-U
     Can print nothing out but '...foo...',
     Then the system is going to crash.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Devil Went Down to Crawford
Original : The Devil Went Down to Georgia
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson, J. Doll, S. Fraim (with a little help from T. Recko)
Intro    :
Song     :

		  The Devil Went Down to Crawford

	  (to the tune of The Devil Went Down to Georgia)
		  by J. Benson, J. Doll, S. Fraim
		(with a little help from T. Recko)


     The Devil went down to Crawford 'cause he was lookin'
	 for an IMP to steal.
     So he searched the hall for a protocol, and he was
	 willin' to make a deal.
     When he came across a chairman writin' an exam and
	 writin' it rough
     Then the Devil jumped up on an ADDS 200 and said, "Boy,
	 you think you know your stuff."

     "I'll bet you didn't know it, but I'm a full professor
	 too,
     And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with
	 you.
     You've designed some pretty good networks, boy, but give
	 the devil his due:
     I'll bet a window of gold against your soul I can
	 transmit better than you!"

     The man said, "My name is Chuckie, and it might be a sin
     But I'll draw your net, you're gonna regret, 'cause I'm
	 the best there's ever been."

	      Chuckie sharpen up your pencil and define your
	 routing scheme
	      'Cause hell's broke loose in Crawford and the
	 devil's feelin' mean.
	      Now if you win you'll get this sender's window
	 made of gold,
	      But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

     The Devil drew a topology with style and perfect poise,
     And frames flew into buffers as he calculated noise.
     As his datagrams arrived with ease, he cooly stopped and
	 stared --
     Well, his Petri net was mighty fine, but Chuckie wasn't
	 scared.

	      (insert messy petri net here for instrumental)

     When the Devil finished, Chuckie said, "Well, your
	 subnet's fast, I agree.
     But just sit right there and let me show you N.mPc!"

     Chorus:
	      Packets on the network, run bits run
	      Acks on the line until transmission's done
	      Try to make your channel error-free;
	      Check your message out with a CRC.

     The Devil saw that baud rate and he knew that he'd been
	 beat,
     And he laid that golden window on the ground at
	 Chuckie's feet.
     Chuckie said, "That's worth a C, so you might want to
	 try again,
     'Cause I told you before, you undergrad, don't design
	 with a ball-point pen!"

     (Chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Disks of UNIX
Original : Sound of Silence
Group    : Simon and Garfunkel
Author   : ? Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


			   The Disks of UNIX
			   =================
	   Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
		Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
			 by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello comix my old friend.
I've come to program you again.
because a student softly creeping,
guessed my password while I was sleeping.
And the programs
with just remnants in my brain,
don't remain,
upon the disks... of UNIX.

In flick'ring lights I type along.
Load my program, what was wrong?
Letters haloed by my squinting,
at the program that I was lint-ing.
For my eyes were blurred
by the flash of the cathode beam,
term'nal screen,
and all the C... on UNIX.

And in the fuzzy light I saw
10,000 hackers, maybe more:
Hackers staring without blinking,
hackers typing without thinking.
Hackers writing code
that programs never shared.
(No one dared,
disturb the disks... of UNIX.)

"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
Kludges make the d.u. grow.
Comment functions that I might read them.
Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
But my words
like unread printout fell,
(Oh well...)
An echo,
On the disks... of UNIX.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Call From Home
Original : The Man's Too Strong
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


			  Don't Call From Home
			  ====================
		  by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
	       Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
			    by Dire Straits

	     I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
	     And in the days I used to play
	     And I've called the tune
	     To many a system's ruin.
	     Now they say I am a real criminal
	     And I'm hiding away.
	     Just one more terminal session.

	     I have simplified robbery
	     With my PCs.
	     I have called in the money
	     And it's now overseas.
	     I have re-written bank accounts
	     With thousands on my books;
	     Made up identities
	     Without changing my looks.

	     And I can still hear the touch-tones
	     And the clicks on the phone.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.

	     Well I've cracked IBM
	     And I've cracked NSA
	     And I've cracked every network
	     In the whole USA.
	     I have called out on Sprint
	     And from any payphone;
	     Billed to people
	     I never have known.

	     And I can still hear the touch-tones
	     And the clicks on the phone.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.

	     Well the sun comes in my office
	     And they all did hear him say
	     "You're really too much for us,
	     You're worth more than we can pay.
	     You may still hear from Burroughs
	     But I ask you now today:
	     Won't you please work with us
	     At the good old CIA?"
	     Now I run all surveillance
	     From LA to Kremlin's dome.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DP Man
Original : Piano Man
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Greg Gerke
Intro    : A revision of an old favorite ...
Song     :


			   DP Man
	  (sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

   It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
   The programming crowd staggers in,
   There's a user by my terminal,
   With drool running off of his chin.
   He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
   I'm not really sure what I want,
   But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
   And it has to be finished by lunch."

     Chorus:

     They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
     Write us some code today,
     'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
     And he wants it by yesterday."

   Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
   He bumps up my priority,
   And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
   But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
   He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
   As the smile ran away from his face,
   "But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
   If I could get out of this place."

   Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
   Whose license is riding on luck,
   And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
   With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
   Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
   And my team leader gives me a smirk,
   'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
   When they find out that it didn't work.

   And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
   And the CRT screams like a jet,
   And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
   And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
   And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
   As the patches and kludges pile up,
   'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
   It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Have a Conniption
Original : Walk Like an Egyptian
Group    : Bangles
Author   : Brent C.J. Britton
Intro    :
Song     :

			Don't Have a Conniption
			=======================
			 by Brent C.J. Britton
	      Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
			     by the Bangles

	    All the system ops in this place,
	    They monitor me, just for fun.
	    If I logon here,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    They force me off 'fore my profile runs.

	    'Cause I have a reputation
	    For doing things which I shouldn't be,
	    Like running CHATS,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    And bootlegging Lotus-123.

	    So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."

	    Found how to change all my privs;
	    I didn't know that I broke a rule.
	    I forced the op,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.

	    All the sys ops, so sick of me,
	    They don't let my databases run.
	    I broke CP,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    They had a big fat connip-tion.

	    When they NOLOG my account, I say
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."

	    They've hated me since I stored
	    Inside the real PSW.
	    We crashed hard you know,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    I guess I forgot a bit or two.

	    If you want to find software cops,
	    They're hanging out in the software shops.
	    They kick your pants,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.

	    I ran my Turing Machine;
	    Another one was assembl'in.
	    And it crunched all night,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    The system op had connip'tions.

	    To software cops in the software shops, I say
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."
	    "Don't have a conniption."


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Title    : Emacs Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group    : The Who
Author   : ?
Intro    : Complete with formatting and all :-)
Song     :

\documentstyle[twocolumn,12pt]{article}

\begin{document}

\begin{verse}


Ever since I was a young boy\\
I've played with each O.S.\\
From Unix down to Kronos \\
I've crashed them I confess\\
But I ain't seen nothing like him\\
Not even in VMS\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He sits there never blinking\\
Becomes part of the machine\\
Controls with either pinkie\\
A virtual typing stream\\
He optimizes keystrokes\\
Swamps your Microvax\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He's an Emacs wizard \\
Without a binding list\\
An Emacs wizard \\
s' got such a calloused wrist.

How do you think he does it? I don't know!\\
What makes him so good?
\newpage

He ain't got no distractions\\
He refuses warning bells\\
He heeds no cursor flashing\\
Plays by sense of smell\\
He never needs to undo\\
Knows all of Stallman's hacks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

I thought I was \\
The keyboard-macro  kid\\
But I just handed\\
My Emacs crown to him.

Even my usual bindings\\
He prefixed all my best\\
His disciples feed him Coke\\
And he just does the rest\\
He's got super-meta-fingers\\
Never hits the cracks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

\end{verse}
\end{document}


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Title    : EVER ONWARD, IBM
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : The song is *old*.  I haven't any idea when it came out,
	   but it has a flavor of the '30s at the latest.  (And how
	   many other a.f.c. readers find that the words make one
	   think of the silliness of a Mary Kay Cosmetics pep rally?)
	   I had a copy of the music sheet many years ago; it's
	   probably buried in one of my files marked "humor" from
	   several moves back.  For today's posting I copied the text
	   from the SHARE songbook, where it appears with such favorites as:

	     Should old Chuck Forney be forgot (and HASP songs sung no more)?
	     Real Good Throughput, Here I Come
	     If I Had a HASP (I'd be SPOOLin' in the morning)
	     JES 2, Joy of Man's Desiring

	   and, of course, that old standby:

	     HASPy Days are Here Again

	   Joe Morris <jcmorris@mwunix.mitre.org>
Song     :

		EVER ONWARD, IBM

  There's a thrill in store for all
  For we're about to toast
  The corporation that we represent.
  We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
  Of that man of men, our sterling president
  The name of T. J. Watson means a courage none can stem
  And we feel honored to be here to toast the I-B-M

  Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
  That's the spirit that has brought us fame.
  We're big but bigger we will be.
  We can't fail for all can see, that serve humanity
  Has been our aim.
  Our products now are known in every zone.
  Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
  We've fought our way through
  And new fields we're sure to conquer, too.
  For the ever onward I-B-M!

  Ever onward! Ever Onward!
  We're bound for the top to never fall
  Fight here and now we thankfully
  Pledge sincerest loyalty
  To the corporation that's the bets of all.
  Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
  Let's show the world just what we think of them!
  So let us sing men -- sing men
  Once or twice, then sing again
  For the ever onward I-B-M!

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Title    : Every Cycle is Sacred
Original : Every Sperm is Sacred
Group    : Monty Python (Meaning of Life)
Author   : Tony Duell  <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro    :
Song     :


There are Suns in this world, there are Apples,
There are Sequents and Goulds and then,
There are those who clone I B M, BUT
I've never been one of them.

For I'm an 11/45
and have been since the day I was made
And the one thing they say about PDP's is
They'll run no matter what they said,
You don't have to be in a six-footer,
You don't have to have a 9-slot backplane
You don't have to have Memory Management,
You're booted the moment DCLO came, For

Every Cycle is Sacred,
Every Cycle is Great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC gets quite irate!

{Repeat}

Let the others waste them,
On floating-point multiply
DEC shall make them pay for
Each add able to be skipped by.

Every cycle is wanted
Every cycle is good
Every cycle is needed
In your neighbourhood

Intel, Sun and Zilog
Branch their's just anywhere
DEC loves those who write
Their Microcode with more care

Every cycle is useful
Every cycle is fine
DEC saves everybody's
Time and Time and Time.

Other systems waste theirs
while fetching o'er t'backplane
DEC shall strike them down for
each cycle thats run in vain

Every cycle is sacred,
Every cycle is great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC GETS QUITE IRATE!!!


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Title    : The Field Service Anthem
Original : Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Group    : ?
Author   : PMW & SG, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

		     The Field Service Anthem


	   (to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game)
		  by PMW & SG, from DEC archives


     Take me out to the main-frame,
      take me out to the disk.
     Give me my 'scope and my solder gun,
      I'll find out why this damn thing won't run.
     For it's test, test, test all those modules;
      until they burst out in flame.
     For it's one, two, three shorts you're out,
      in the old main-frame.


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Title    : Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
Original : Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Group    : Paul Simon
Author   : Al Pena
Intro    :
Song     :

	      Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
	      ----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----

The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There