Misprints/accidental meanings !

* This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church.

* Children will be baptized at both ends.

* On Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk come early.

* On Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.

* Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the
pastor.

* On Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his
study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay
an egg at the alter.

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come
forward and get a piece of paper.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

* A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

* Tonight's sermon: "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.

* A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions.
  News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was
because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out
specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand." This was
made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile
of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured stopping the
chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual
specifically warned against it.
  Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the
Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing
anything that stupid.
  I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a
label on them stating: Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid
people.
  Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up
on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

bobfish@arcticbb.demon.co.uk