4102 - TV OR NOT TO BE ====================== Typed by J.G.Harston mdfs.net INTRO TV: We think it's time you tried... TV: Hill o' beans de-caff. Beacuse coffee without the caffine... TV: ...is like sex without the costumes... TV: ...and remember, happytime pure sucrose breakfast cerial gives you that... TV: ...large tumour-like growth on the wall of your stomach. TV: But for cleaner, birghter, fluffier sheets... TV: ...tonight's episode of "The Klan"... TV: ...have you ever seen anything so white? TV: The All-Sports Network. TV: The All-News Network. TV: The All-Potato-Cakes Network. TV: The Mismatched Buddy Comedy Network. TV: The Roadkill Identification Network. TV: The Let's Talk In Pig Latin Network. TV: The Skin Disease Network. TV: The Vacuum Cleaner Bag Network. DUCKMAN: Naoo! Do i have to sit here all day looking for something to watch? No nope nyet na-ah, negatory, nah, never, nope, ah-ha, can-nah, you kidding, forget it, botchko, no, na-ah, nope, no chance, nada, where are the quality shows, the shows that stimulate your mind, that enrich the human condition... TV: Wahhh!!! DUCKMAN: Hmmm. Gunfire. TV: For those of you who have just tuned in to tonight's episode of "Crazed Postal Worker", this weeks' disgruntled former employee turned homicidal gunman is holding his hostages behind the stamps-only window. DUCKMAN: Talk about your entertainment! GECKO: DUCKMAN: And no family around to hog the TV. Beatrice's room: BEATRICE: That's right, our organisation is pre-need. We're teaching people to make ceramic ashtrays with their feet in case they *become* handicapped. Arrghh! Oh, sorry Mr President, I'd love to talk about you and the first lady getting more involved, but my favourtite show's about to start. Charles' & Mambo's room: C&M: Five more minutes and we'll have a formula for putting all the nutritianal elements a child will ever need into a chocolate HoHo. M&C: But that would mean missing our show! Kitchen: AJAX: Uh Oh. Yet again I have loaded Aunt Bernices' priceless Ming Dynasty china in the trash compactor. Ajax looks at his watch. AJAX: Time for the show. I'll let Dad take the blame. Living room: TV: An unwitting woman has come into the post office with her mail. Obviously none of us want bloodshed, but warning her would violate our code ethics about media intrusion. Let's watch. TV: Lady... You forgot... to use ... the nine... digit... zip code. TV: Arggh AJAX, BEATRICE, CHARLES, MAMBO: Mother Mirabelle's on! DUCKMAN: Arggh! TV: Mother Mirabelle's Home Miracle Network DUCKMAN: Was... watching... that... MOTHER MIRABELLE: Thank yew, thank yew. I'm Mother Mirabelle, and welcome to the Home Miracle Network. DUCKMAN: Having... trouble... breathing... AJAX, BEATRICE, CHARLES, MAMBO: Shhhh!!! MOTHER MIRABELLE: Let's just start the day by sharing a little miracle of my own. We were number one in our timespot again last week with that most important of them demographic groups: ALL: People with disposable income! DUCKMAN: Passing... out.... AJAX, BEATRICE, CHARLES, MAMBO: Shhhh!!! MOTHER MIRABELLE: Wellll well. Would you look at all the believers I have with me today. Approaches audiance member. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Do you have a miracle to share with us son? MIRACLE MAN: I contacted my dead mother using dominos and a pair of pliars AUDIANCE: It's a miracle! MIRACLE BOY: I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk and now I only have ticks. AUDIANCE: It's a miracle! MIRACLE WOMAN: I finished the TV Guide crossword for the first time in my life! AUDIANCE: It's a miracle! MOTHER MIRABELLE: Allll miracles indeed! And now, before we bring out out our celebrity guests who'll praise me and my show for a small fee, it's time to gaze upon our holy shrine, the miracle that makes all our miracles happen, that preternatural portrait, that pezazzed piece of art, that painting from the prommmmised land, our lady of the weeping soles... Duckman sits up in front of the TV. AJAX, BEATRICE, CHARLES, MAMBO: Get out of the way! AUDIANCE: AJAX, BEATRICE, CHARLES, MAMBO: GRAND-MA-MA: MOTHER MIRABELLE: Holy sh! The painting's been stolen! CHARLES/MAMBO: It's gone! MAMBO/CHARLES: Some-one's took it! CHARLES/MAMBO: That's sacrilege! AJAX: What's on the other channel? BERNICE: Duckman! You're a detective, you help her find the painting. DUCKMAN: Sure, when my butt starts singing show tunes. AJAX: You have to Dad, it really causes miracles. It's the painting of the Blessed Mother of the Weeping Soles. CHARLES: The one where the feet actually perspire! MAMBO: It's worshipped by hundreds of people in this cable district. BERNICE: Duckman! Your children are pleading for your help. Besides, it's not like you're ever busy working on other cases! AJAX: Dad's a detective? DUCKMAN: Forget it! I'm not going to lower myself by helping some pandering preacher find a bogus painting. This whole thing's just one big scam cooked up by an obvious phoney who'll do anything to make a buck. AJAX: She says she'll pay handsomely for its return. DUCKMAN: Don't wait up! Mother Mirabelle's studio. Intro music playing. DUCKMAN: Ha! Look at these people, Corney. They're being led around like a bunch of sheep. Audience looks at Duckman. They all look like sheep. CORNFED: Interesting how the need for substance in an unexamined life often times leads to gulibility. DUCKMAN: Exactly! Arrggh! It's Elvis! MOTHER MIRABELLE: We're back. And we're sorry to report that miracles seem to be in short supply since the fountainhead of allll the miracles was stolen. But the Blessed Mother of the Weeping Soles has spoken to me in a vision. Yeah-as! And she said to me, Mirabelle, even though I'm gone I want you to carry on because your believers need you, because the world needs ypu, because this monkey's sweet[??] AUDIENCE: Ayyyy-men! MOTHER MIRABELLE: Sir. You're a believer. Even with the blessed mother gone surely you have a miracle to share? MAN: Ohh, me? Gosh, well, I ran into my old girlfriend last week... well, that was more of a coincidence, really. Actually, I was.. stalking her. AUDENCE: Ohhhh... MOTHER MIRABELLE: You, ma'am. You're a believer. Tellll me a miracle! WOMAN: Oh.. well... I... err.. I was driving this morning and I hit a green light. And then I hit a red one. Or maybe it was the other way round. AUDIENCE: Ohhhh... MOTHER MIRABELLE: Maybe it's not as easy as I'd hoped. We *do* need that painting back. Perhaps you can heyulp. Perhaps a smaaalll donation to get us started... AUDIENCE: Take mine! AUDENCE: Me too. AUDIENCE: Me too! AUDIENCE: Me! Me! Me! Me! DUCKMAN: Forget Mother Mirabelle. This crowd needs father Thorazine. DUCKMAN: What the hell are *you* staring at? MOTHER MIRABELLE: What about you, you seem to have something to share. DUCKMAN: Me? Errr.. yeah. CORNFED: Duckman, didn't you schedule a colonic this afternoon? DUCKMAN: In fact, I have a *miracle* to share. It's a *miracle* you moonlight zombies fall for this Mother Mirabelle! She's a fake! She's taking your money! She's a bigger ripoff than those talk to a nympho in prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can't do a thing about it cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place.... Err... So I heard. Look, I for one am *glad* that painting's gone. Now maybe you can spend your time believing in something that *really* matters, like your horoscope. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Weelll. We're certainly tolerant of all points of view. TV: MOTHER MIRABELLE: Make a move and you're dead meat. DUCKMAN: Does wetting myself count as moving? Mother Mirabelle's back office. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Weelll. Since you *are* a detective, and I *do* have something to find.... I accept your apology. How much do you charge? DUCKMAN: Wellll. In order to find out who took it, we'll need to set up round-the-clock surveilance, high powered telescopes, a parabolic mic, catered meals, four buxom assistants, a VCR and a big-screen TV, a berkle hundred[?], the *complete* Ross Meyer videos a two-year subscription to the sports betting tipsheet, all told, it comes to a daily rate of four hundred dollars and seventeen cents. MOTHER MIRABELLE: I'll give twenty bucks. DUCKMAN: That was my fallback offer. CORNFED: What about the thousands of dollars you've just collected from those people out there? MOTHER MIRABELLE: This imported Italian marble doesn't grow on trees! Notttt that the painting isn't the most important thing in the world to me, it is, and I'm sure whoever committed such dasterdly crime must be some kind of ruthless killer who might very well chop off your hands and put them on a stick! DUCKMAN: Not to worry. We eat fear for breakfast. You're... guessing about the stick part, right? Duckman's Office DUCKMAN: Tell me again why we're doing this. CORNFED: I inspected the wall where the painting used to hand. I caught a whif of eau de carp. Itt's a cologne so foul it's only worn by one man. A man who happens to be the world's greatest art collector. Big Dadda Duchamp. My guess is we go under cover at his art gallery, we'll find the miracle painting. DUCKMAN: Miracle Schmiracle, I bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy. FLUFFY: Why shouldn't they? DUCKMAN: Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Will you hurry up with those disguises. One of those mindless pod people are my family. URANUS: Ok, Mr Duckman, but may I say I don't think you should just dismiss the notions of miracles. FLUFFY: It's a miracle every time a new leaf grows, every time a new-born baby cries. Fluffy is minced DUCKMAN: Now turn me into one of those art-world freak-ohs, or you'll be next! URANUS: Ha ha ha... when you're in a hurry... Uranus rushes around Duckman, turns him into Dahli-eque appearance. DUCKMAN: Nope. Duckman has a Picasso look. DUCKMAN: Uh hu. Duckman has a Van Gogh look. DUCKMAN: Who's this supposed to be? CORNFED: I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rythmic linear brush strokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and who was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation. DUCKMAN: It's cool, let's do it. What about your disguse? Cornfed takes out large false teeth. DUCKMAN: Wahh! Who are you supposed to be?!? CORNFED: Your agent. Duckman and Cornfed enter an art gallery. DUCKMAN: Alright, let's mingle Corney. Kepp your eye out for Duchampe, and remember, stay in character. Hmm boy! Just smell that art. Yessiry this is just the break I needed after a long day of making art and being insane. The disguise is working, Cornfed. DUCKMAN: What's he doing with that pink stuff? CORNFED: That's Krisgo. He's our greatest wrap artist. DUCKMAN: Hmph. Well, Duchampe doesn't seem to be out here, we gotta find his office. Remember. Take it slow. We can't just barge through his door. Duckman slips on a patch of paint on the floor and slides into Duchampe's office. DUCKMAN: Wahh! Ooo. DUCHAMPE: My my. Could I possible be in the presence of such a great artist? DUCKMAN: Ah! I'm Duckman! I was only pretending to be an artist. DUCHAMPE: Ah, an impressionist. DUCKMAN: Do I smell... fish? The sneeze blows a cover off the painting. DUCKMAN: Our Mother Of The Weeping Soles! All right, I've come for the girly picture, Art Boy. Don't try anything stupid or one of us won't leave here alive. Duchamp and Krisgo advance on Duckman. DUCKMA: I was saying one of us, I was thinking you. Duchampe and Krisgo grab duckman and tie him up in cellophane. DUCHAMPE: I don't know how he tracked it down, but he won't tell anyone now. Duckman's spirit rises from his body. DUCKMAN: What the? Whoah! This can't be what I think it is! DUCHAMP This will be your greatest work ever! KRISGO: And the critics say that art is dead. DUCKMAN: I don't know art but I know what I like..... BREATHING!! Duckman's sprit rises out of the room. DUCKMAN: I can't believe this! I'm dead! Plucked from the prime of life! So many things I wanted to do. Climb the world's highest mountain. Swim a few channels. Invent something that benefits mankind. Oh well, more time to sleep in. Jeeze. I didn't even get time to say goodbye to my family. Oh well, at least I'm going up. That's a good sign. Duckman drops DUCKMAN: Arggh!!! Duckman lands in Hell. DUCKMAN: No, wait, you've got the wrong guy! I've only *supported* the sensless killing of people, but Duckman appears outside the Pearly Gates. GOD: Step into the light. Duckman steps into a beam of light. GOD: Step out of the light. Duckman steps out of the beam of light. GOD: Put your left foot in. Duckman puts his left foot into the beam of light. GOD: Put your left foot out. Duckman takes his left foot out of the beam of light. GOD: Put your left foot in and shake it all about. I know what you're thinking: What a gross misuse of power. Well, do you want to make something of it? Duckman puts his foot back into the beam of light and shakes it. GOD: Just follow the light. DUCKMAN: Wait a minute., I know this place. The booming voice, the billowing clouds, the pearly gates, the harp the music. Give me another clue. A packet of "Old Tar" cigarettes appears in Duckman's hand. DUCKMAN: It's heaven! GOD: I have your file here, we've tried to provide you with everything you've ever wanted in your life. DUCKMAN: Banzai! GOD: Wait a minute, there's been a mistake in your file, you're not supposed to be here! DUCKMAN: What? I knew it! I knew it was too good to be true. I mean, I haven't exactly been a poster boy for religion. Me and Teresa De Lorenzo in the confessional. Painting the moustache on that statue in the Vatican. But that wasn't my fault! I was drunk! All right, fine! That's just fine! So, send me to eternal damnation! I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints any day, buster! GOD What I mean was, you're not supposed to be dead yet. I'm sending you back. DUCKMAN: Oh, thank you! Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou. DUCKMAN: Err. By the way, I was kidding about that Vatican thing. GOD: While I have you here, Duckman, I want to give something to take back down. DUCKMAN: What is it? Cash? Next year's Superbowl results? How about a picture? Me, you, a few dead celebrities? GOD: It's something I give everyone who comes here. You're just one of the lucky few who get to leave with it. It's the ultimate answer to the ultimate question. It's... the meaning of life. DUCKMAN: Oh. No chance of the picture, huh? An Etch-A-Sketch appear in Duckman's hands. DUCKMAN: An Etch-A-Sketch? Duckman tips the Etch-A-Sketch upside down. DUCKMAN: Don't get me wrong. I'd love to know the meaning of life, but, err... how am I supposed to get it from this? GOD: You could have read it before you shook it off. DUCKMAN: Can't you put it back? GOD: Sorry, I'm extremely busy. I promise Cleveland that they'd win the Pennant. DUCKMAN: Wait! Could you stamp my hand so I could get back in? Duckman falls. DUCKMAN: Wahh!!!! Duckman lands back in his body in a hospital bed. Another patient's spirit starts to leave. DUCKMAN: I.. highly recommend the Pina Colada. DUCKMAN: Ohh boy. ... NURSE: Well, looks who's up. Forget it boys, he's pulled through. Doctors holding surgical tools sigh. NURSE: Try Mrs Geaner in 208. She was hacking up a storm this morning. Used organs. Booming market. DUCKMAN: I'm alive! I went to heaven. I met God. He bought me a drink. I actually experienced a miracle. NURSE: That's impossible. I'm a highly trained professional. Don't you think I'd notice if one of my patients died? Another patient groans and dies. The lifesigns monitor beeps continuously. DUCKMAN: You don't believe me huh? Then, what do you call this? Grabs Etch-A-Sketch. NURSE: A gift from a cheap relative? DUCKMAN: It's an Etch-A-Skecth. The meaning of *life* was written on it! I'm out of here. I'm going home to tell my family they were right! I really met *him*. And from this day forward... I'm a changed Ducky! NURSE: What the hell's that beeping? Duckman arrives home. DUCKMAN: Bernice, Ajax, twins! I, Duckman, have experienced a miracle! Bernice, Ajax, Charles and Mambo draw in shocked breath. DUCKMAN: I know, it sounds incredible, you were right and I was wrong. Miracles do exist. BEATRICE: Now I've seen everything. DUCKMAN: I want to shout it out. I want the whole world to know what I know. CHARLES: Do it. MAMBO: Pillar it on! DUCKMAN: But for now it's enough to just share my incredible experience with my family... AJAX: The Colagular Sauce really is thicker Sauce on TV advert splodges onto plate. DUCKMAN: You're right. No need to convert the converted. I gotta go out and tell my story to those poor, unenlightened people who aren't yet lucky enough to beleive. Duckman rushes out. BEATRICE: That reminds me, the painting's still gone. Has anyone seen your father? AJAX: No. CHARLES: A' a. MAMBO: Me neither. Duckman walking through a building. DUCKMAn: This is great. I've never had such a sense of purpose. Doing what all the great religious leaders have done since time immemorial. Aeroplane rushes past. DUCKMAN: Excuse me, I'm the prophet Duckman. I'm here to spread the g.. DUCKMAN: Enngg. Have a nice day. DUCKMAN: Hello my child... DUCKMAN: Brother if I could... DUCKMAN: Cute little baby... DUCKMAN: Wahh!! DUCKMAN: Well, it can only get better. DUCKMAN: I'm doing something wrong. I'm not getting through to people. How can I get people to listen to what I have to say? TV: We'll return to Mother Mirabelle and her very special guests after a few more words thn neccessary from our sponsor. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Weylcome back. We have a treat for you today. Six of the world's foremost religious leaders. I told you they had no TVQs. Our filler, until we find that painting, religious unity. And we'll start with the Roman Numeral number one himself. Your Holiness, given that allll religions preach brotherhood, love of your fellow man, and tolerance of alll people without exception, why is it that the world's different religions have never been able to achieve unity? POPE: You got me. AYOTOLLAH: Good question. RABBI: Yes, indeed. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Well, wouldn't it be a miracle, not to mention a much needed ratings boost, if we could achieve a first ever: religious unity, right here, our stage, tonight? POPE: Sure would. RABBI: Indubutably. AYOTOLLAH: I'm willing to embrace religious unity, if every one else is. POPE: What do you say, Rabbi? RABBI: Uh.. Why not...? DALI LAMA: Sure, fine with me. POPE: Hey guys, pyramid! The religious leades climb into a human pyramid. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Well, there you have it folks. We've seen some big miracles on the home miracle network, but this is no doubt the biggest... Duckman rushes in. DUCKMAN: Listen, Mother Mirabelle! I have a bigger miracle to tell you about. The biggest miracle of them all. I've been to the *other side*! Duckman knocks the pyramid of religious leaders over. MOTHER MIRABELLE: Damn! It's the duck! Stage assistants leap on Duckman. The religious leaders all start arguing with each other and fighting with each other. DUCKMAN: Please! Can't we all just get along? The religious leaders all fight Duckman. Duckman and the religious leaders are thrown out of the back door of the studio. DUCKMAN: You should be ashamed of yourselves. All of you. You're supposed to be religious leaders. ALL: Religious leaders? POPE: We're not religious leaders. We're religious impersonators. Mother Mirabelle hired us as a change of pace while the painting was gone. AYOTOLLAH: I'm the real thing. I needed some good press in the States. RABBI: Nice pyramid. POPE: Not a bad fight either. DALI LAMA: Let's do it again some time. Police siren starts getting nearer. DUCKMAN: They're all frauds. Mother Mirabelle's a fraud. Well, at least my miracle was real. Police car arrives, Cornfed steps out. CORNFED: I see you found my Etch-A-Sketch. DUCKMAN: What do you mean, your Etch-A-Sketch? Police lead a crying Mother Mirabelle out of studio in handcuffs. CORNFED: She engineered the theft to boost ratings when it was returned. Then let us take the case so it would look like she was trying to find it. DUCKMAN: What do you mean, *YOUR* Etch-A-Sketch? CORNFED: I began to suspect her when fighting off Big Dadda's gang and highjacking the truck that was taking you out of town. So, I went to the police, took some pants in for alterations, then raced you to the hospital in the nick of time. Duckman grabs Cornfed and screams at him. DUCKMAN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, *YOUR* ETCH-A-SKETCH?!? CORNFED: Perhaps I should tell you about my Etch-A-Sketch. You were out cold, so I played with it while I watched the news in your room. You didn't miss much. A fire, a drive-by, a segment on silly string, a tornado, and a review of the Rockettes and that new stake and colada restaurant that allows smoking. "You can eat it in, you can take it out, our stakes and colada will make you scream and shout." DUCKMAN: That's my micacle. Are you saying I didn't really have one. That I didn't go to heaven. That all those things happened because you were watching them on the news. CORNFED: And because of the pink plastic you were wrapped in. DUCKMAN: The pink plastic I was wrapaped in... CORNFED: Polymethylstyrene. It causes hallucinations. DUCKMAN: It causes hallucinations... CORNFED: Only for a while. Then it causes you to ask unneccesary questions. DUCKMAN: Unneccesary questions... CORNFED: Shut up. DUCKMAN: You want me to shut up...? Duckman's home. MAMBO: No way. Mohammed would definately defeat Moses at celebrity word scramble. CHARLES: Would not! Moses wrote the Torah! It has over fifty thousand words. MAMBO: So what? Those were in hebreew. Those words still *look* scrambled! CHARLES: Moses! MAMBO: Mohammed! CHARLES: Moses! Charles and Mambo start fighting. Ajax sees Duckman enter. AJAX: Hey it's that guy on TV! DUCKMAN: I made a fool of myself. BEATRICE: Don't be upset, Duckman. Lot's of religious visionaries were misunderstood, persecuted, even publicly humiliated in their time... Of course, none of them went on live TV waving a magic Etch-A-Sketch! DUCKMAN: Well, for one fleeting moment I got to feel the way you get to feel. It felt nice... to know that for sure that there was somebody out there making incredible things happen. Someone was watching over us. Someone I could turn to at any moment of any day. I shouldn't have tried to take that away from you. Not that I'll ever get suckered in again, I'm back! And let me tell you, it'll be a cold day in Hawaii before I just accept the fact that there's anything out there that has that much power over our lives, that we should let control *every thing* we say and do, and we should worship twenty-four hours a day. Ha! Screams on TV. AJAX: Hey look, there's a taco explosion on Americs's Most Tragic Home Videos! All crowd around the TV. Picture pans out to become the picure on a television on a cloud. GOD: I see. They're saying television is worshipecd like a religion. I hate message shows. God presses the 'off' button on His TV remote control. The screen goes blank. Music out.