4103: GRIPES OF WRATH ===================== Typed by J.G.Harston mdfs.net INTRO Duckman is in bed. DUCKMAN: Hmmmm. Kim Basinger.... ahhh ahhhhh Wakes up. DUCKMAN: Ah! The weekend. Life's little truckstop between busting your but and busting your but some more. And not just any weekend! The weekend I've been waiting for. The weekend where I take myself to front-row seats in a once-in-a- lifetime event. Nothing's going to stop me from enjoying this. BERNICE: Duckman, you lazy good-for-nothing lump! You can't just wander in whenever you feel like it and expect me to cook for you. Breakfast is *over*, Mister Man. I'm busy rebulding the children's go-cart and spending the rest of the time trimming Grand-ma-ma's nose hair. Bernice keeps talking, but Duckman hears it as: BERNICE: Blah blahblah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blahblah blah blah! Duckman whistles happily. DUCKMAN: Front row seats... BERNICE: But I did pour you some juice, so take it or leave it. DUCKMAN: Why, thank you Bernice, juice would be lovely. Hmmm. Orange or tomato... In Duckman's mind a pinball bounces between buffers labelled 'Orange' and 'Tomato'. (echos) Orange or tomato... Orange or tomato... Pinball: Ding ding ding ding. Duckman visualises himself walking along, drinking the orange juice. There is a gunman theatening some hostages. GUNMAN: Hey! Get back! I'll blow their heads off! Duckman bumps into the gunman, spilling the orange juice. GUNMAN: Orange juice! My momma used to give me orange juice when I was six. And I'm still <....> aren't I? Oh, dear God! You saved me from myself! . Gunman throws gun down. CROWD: Duckman! Duckman! Duckman! Newspaper headline: DUCKMAN SAVES THE DAY (echos) Orange or tomato... Orange or tomato... Pinball: Ding ding ding ding. Duckman visualises himself again, this time drinking the tomato juice. GUNMAN: Hey! Get back! I'll blow their heads off! Duckman bumps into the gunman, spilling the tomato juice. GUNMAN: Argh!! Blood! Blood! So much blood! I'm going bad, mother! Gunman shoots randomly In a laboratory, a scientist holds up a test tube. SCIENTIST: Eureka! At last, a concentrated radioisotope so powerful that one cubic inch will solve the entire world's energy problems! Bullet breaks through window and smashed the test tube. Long shot of atomic explosion destroying the city. Newspaper headline: DUCKMAN SCREWS UP AGAIN Back to the present. DUCKMAN: I think I'll have orange. He dinks the orange juice. It is rancid and he spits it out. DUCKMAN: Eurgh! Spu! Speugh! BERNICE: I thought it was rancid. I just wanted to make sure. DUCKMAN: What the hell were you thinking? I can't believe you let me drink that. I could've gotten food poisoning. AJAX: Hey, Dod. Are you going to finish that? DUCKMAN: A-a. Duckman passes the orange juice to Ajax. Ajax drinks it. DUCKMAN: You can't just hand someone something that's going to eat their insides out. What sort of unthingking irrisponsible creature *are* you? They look at Ajax. AJAX: Delicious. DUCKMAN: I'll let it pass this time. BERNICE: Duckman, isn't it time you got going on your chores? Starting with that outlet. Bernice points at a power socket with many plugs plugged into it, all sparking. DUCKMAN: Ah, that can wait. No, it can't wait. You have two choices, either do as I tell you or get my nine iron shoved through your ear. DUCKMAN: Hmmm. (echos) chores... nine iron... AJAX: He can't do the chores Aunt Bernice. Today's the day he's going to spend with his children, bonding and being together. DUCKMAN: Together... CHARLES: Dad didn't forget our plans, did he? MAMBO: Does a high ranking religious figure evecuate his bowels in a wooded area? DUCKMAN: Plans? MAMBO: You were supposed to take us to the unveiling of the new supercomputer at the museum of science and technology. CHARLES: We left you a note. They open lots of boxes DUCKMAN: You expected me to find that? MAMBO: You found our fifty dollars there last week. DUCKMAN: I don't care what we planned, I'm not going. I don't even know what this thing is! CHARLES: Perhaps this handy promotional tape given to children who want to lure their unsuspecting parents in will help. Charles puts the tape into a toaster-shaped device labelled "video toaster". Music ANNOUNCER: Hello! And welcome to the fascinating world of supercomputers. This presentation is sponsored by Flan! The flavour-filled Mexican desert. What a busy day for these worker bees. Each playing a vital role in the construction of this complex piece of machinery. Yes, science is serious business. But, there's still time for fun! Last one in's a rotten egg. And speaking of eggs, here's Pepe on his way to market with his father's chickens. And on the way he stops for some Flan! The flaour-filled Mexican desert. DUCKMAN: Yep, yep, facinating stuff! But, gotta Run! C/M: Dad! This is the computer that will make all other computers obsolete! DUCKMAN: Alright, look, kids, I'm sorry, you know, I'd take you but, this... er... case just came up. Screams. BERNICE: Front row tickets to Busty Bikini Babe Fest. DUCKMAN: It's not like it sounds. First prize is a scholorship... or something. BERNICE: Duckman, you're dispicable! You make plans with the children then lie to them about some so-called case denying them a one-time only educational and historical experience just so *you* can spend an afternoon degrading women by treating them as worthless sex objects for your abject and debauched pleasure. DUCKMAN: What's the bad part? On the freeway, traffic on one direction is at stand-still, horns hooting. Duckman and the boys are driving in the other direction on an empty road. RADIO: Welcome back to K-BASH, on the far right of your dial. If you're on your way to Busty Bikini Babe Fest - and who isn't - be careful of traffic tie-ups off route one-fifteen. Apparently, there's a group of *Lesbians* protesting by the gate. That's right. We're calling a Full Flannel Shirt and Workboot Alert! Up next: a few more laughts at other people's expense: Midget Throwing. DUCKMAN: Wait, they throw 'em? C/M: Dad! We're ten years old. I don't think our still- developing psyche should be exposed to someone like him. DUCKMAN: Yeh, maybe not. What about that guy that has the women strip on the air so that he can see famous senators on their breasts? C/M: Dad! DUCKMAN: What? Everybody loves a little good, clean, semi-legal pornography. Especially when you're front-row centre! So why the hell am I wasting my day taking the three of you to visit some overgrown calculator? AJAX: I thought we were going out for Flan. PROVENHEIM: Welcome... To the future! I am Doctor Kalai Provenheim unt I am here to cleanse the planet of... ... er... strike that. I... mean, I am here to introduce you to the greatest advance in civilisation in this century. AJAX: CONDOMS! They held a vote at school. DUCKMAN: I got a question. How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a deoderant that works past lunch? DUCKMAN: Hummana Hummana Howwa! CORNFED: Either you're babbling, or you just told me in Cherokee that my scrotum was many-coloured. DUCKMAN: It's like a dream..... Not the naked contortionist on the glass table top kind of dream.... but not bad. AJAX: Dod, Aunt Bernice! Good news. I made the honor role. BERNICE: Splendid. DUCKMAN: WHAT? You're barely multi-celled. DUCKMAN: Hummana Hummana Howwa! BERNICE: I didn't know you spoke Cherokee. DUCKMAN: Maybe it is a perfect world.... but why are my butt feathers standing on end? CORNFED: Easy Duckman, I know over two hundered ways to kill a man. SHERRY: You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blow torch the other side of the jar so the rats have to eat their way out through his face. CORNFED: Two hundered one. BERNICE: You spent the last six days watching that video tape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for. SHERRY: You said you erased that! CORNFED: Erased, ran off thousands of copies... it's such a fine line. DUCKMAN: Stay away from my kids, Chock-n-full-of-nutsen. PROVENHEIM: PROVENHEIM! DUCKMAN: Once again I've outwitted a pitfully inadequate opponent by staying one step ahead of 'em. How exactly did I do that? CHARLES: What we're saying is that the most perfect world is an imperfect world as the imperfections give people a reason to strive to change it.