Coolio Runnings
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			      Epsisode 4346
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CORNFED:	Gasp. Excuse my uncharacteristic near-dementia level of
		excitement, but I seem to have solved the Fitzwalter case.
		I proved that his wife is part of a sinister conspiracy
		involving the international arms trade, a renegade band of
		Cuban drug runners, and three members of the cast of
		Friends.

DUCKMAN:	Corny, what's a 3-letter word meaning 'opposite of night'?

CORNFED:	Oy...

DUCKMAN:	Two 'y's?

DUCKMAN:	Two-letter word that's a common greeting...

BERNICE:	Prepare to die, you puss-colored canker sore on the mouth
		of humanity!

DUCKMAN:	Hmm, too many letters.

BERNICE:	This is your *son*, Duckman!

DUCKMAN:	Please - it's depressing enough that *we*'re related.

BERNICE:	He's deeply unhappy and you know why.

DUCKMAN:	OK, so I should have asked before selling his rabbits for
		testing but *dammit* mascara makers gotta live too!

BERNICE:	Tell him.

AJAX:		I'm unhappy because deconstructionism has lost much of its
		moral force as a technique in literary analysis. Also
		because dad won't play in the Father-Son Picnic Games.

DUCKMAN:	Well, as it happens, I've been lusting for the chance to
		bond with my son by passing him an orange with my neck, but
		Corny and I are in the middle of a very important case.

CORNFED:	Please leave! I'll do anything, please just go! Get out -
		get out, please!

DUCKMAN:	Male menopause. Good news, son! A small block of time just
		opened up and I want you to know that aside from all the
		other things I'd rather do, there's nothing I'd rather do
		then spend that time with you.

...

DUCKMAN:	You're saying Ajax is a klutz, a clod, a mudhugger an elbow
		eater, a blinking bumbling boob who'll make a fool out of
		himself, and, more important, me, every time he tries to
		move a muscle? Assuming he has one?

...

DUCKMAN:	That's it! Five hundred and the deed to my house! Well, not
		my house, it's my wife's house only she's dead and she gave
		it to Bernice. But I pay rent at it. Or at least I did once
		or twice - OK once - OK, the check bounced - OK forget the
		deed to the house, make it five-fifty.

...

DUCKMAN:	Ajax, son, do you have any athletic ability at all?

AJAX:		Sometimes, late at night, I can smell my intestines.

DUCKMAN:	Is that an event?

AJAX:		Exhibition only this year.

...

COOLIO:	Look, I gotta ask you to cancel the concert tonight. I've
		got homework.

...

TEACHER:	He saved her life!

AJAX:		She could have been killed!

DUCKMAN:	I wonder if he's *that* fast in a gunny sack...

...

ADOPTION AGENCY:
		Oh my, you can't sit out here and swat at imaginary thought
		balloons all day!

DUCKMAN:	You can't reduce this to numbers. There's no room for your
		famous Vulcan logic in this.

BERNICE:	Coolio will be living here? My be-all and end-all? My alpha
		and omega? A man whose streetwise scowl hides a heart with
		more gold than there is in his posse's teeth?

DUCKMAN:	Whatever you need, whether it's fast money, loose chicks or
		theological discourse, you come straight to your dear old
		duckie dad.

DUCKMAN:	Strap on the feedbag, my boy. You'll need your strength
		when Ajax and I start training tomorrow morning.

BERNICE:	If you'd like, you could stay in *my* bedroom...

DUCKMAN:	Uh-uh, sonny boy - that way lies madness. We got us some
		bonding to do, and this time I won't even use any epoxy.

DUCKMAN:	Just consider it another one of life's painful lessons,
		son. Whoever said it doesn't matter if you win or lose,
		must have been riding in the back of the loser bus -
		covered in human filth.

DUCKMAN:	I whipped up a high-energy breakfast of popovers for you,
		each pastry individually injected with my own special
		steroid... ehr, protein supplement. OK, joke's over. Up,
		two, three. Speak to me Coolio, speak! You're too young to
		die!

CORNFED:	Duckman, that's obviously just a crude dummy of Coolio.

DUCKMAN:	I was wondering why he had a note pinned to his head.

CORNFED:	Duckman, your efforts are aduckmanirable. Assuming
		aduckmanirable stands for ludicrous.

COOLIO:	I said I'd be your son because I wanted to help you. You
		seemed desperate for love. Uh-well, at least desperate.

DUCKMAN:	I thought they flew.

ANNOUNCER:	Let's now welcome our most-improved competitor, Ajax!

AJAX:		I don't understand - dad and I finished last in every game.

ANNOUNCER:	You shot 14 people during the archery event - I'd say
		that's an improvement over last year's 26, wouldn't you?