From Brad To Worse
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			      Epsisode 4247
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DUCKMAN:	And in conclusion, since we live in an insane world, maybe
		it's time we give insane solutions a chance.

KBBB ANCHOR:	Please remember that the views of Duckman in no way reflect
		the views of err... anyone.

BERNICE:	I never actually heard someone *encourage* kids to drop out
		of school.

DUCKMAN:	Test scores drop every year. Let's face it, American kids
		are *stupid*. Get them off the fast track, and on the fast
		*food* track, while we genetically engineer a master race
		of better kids.

MAMBO:		I'm tempted to die, just so I can get a head start on
		spinning in my grave.

DUCKMAN:	When public reaction crystalizes, my words will be
		remembered, as...

CORNFED:	Public reaction is already starting to crystalize around
		your car.

DUCKMAN:	Heh heh, looks like a vexed populi. Well, no problem, when
		we're ready, Ajax will distract them with one of his famous
		fake epileptic seizures.

BERNICE:	Duckman, those aren't fake!

DUCKMAN:	Geeh! Semantics! Anyway, Ajax, if I know the average Joe,
		while you're doing the locomotion, they'll steal your
		wallet and shoes, letting us escape - what do you say, son?

AJAX:		I'll go find a strobe light.

BERNICE:	Duckman, don't you think it's odd, that the station would
		write to you out of the clear blue sky, and ask you to do a
		commentary?

DUCKMAN:	Not at all - I'm a well-known local business man, a leader
		in my community, and, I write over 600 crank letters a year
		to the local paper.

CORNFED:	Yes, my favorites were: "English only laws - let's make'em
		international", and "Cub scouts - the enemy within"

DUCKMAN:	Yea-eah, but the classic was, "African American, black or
		negro, they'll never make another Sammy".

BERNICE:	Ajax, why are you crying?

AJAX:		Because my lachrymal ducts are full - but we can talk about
		that later.

DUCKMAN:	Hey, it ain't my fault this gutter-geezer lacks a shack!
		"Oh I'm homeless, help me!" Pheh! These dumpster-dwelling
		rag bags better learn there's no such thing as a free
		lunch. No-one just gives a bum free room and board for
		life.

BERNICE:	Unless the bum marries my sister, and I'm fresh out of
		those.

DUCKMAN:	What about your, other sister? Oh, right - Dorothy's house
		landed on her.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	Talk about a bummer!

YOUNG CORNFED:	OK, Legionnaire's disease - get it?

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	'Perriair'? They sell water? It's crazy! I can't believe
		all these stupid products they're trying - *light* beer,
		*low-tar* cigarettes, *personal* computers. While MY
		letters telling Coca Cola to change its formula, go
		unanswered.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	What's his problem? What'd I do?

YOUNG CORNFED:	Well, you sutured Mr. Crump's lips, smeared liquid heat in
		the pep squad's muffs, painted Blue Oyster Cult Rules on
		coach Marcus's car and, thanks to you, Miss Finch went to
		live with the nuns for a while.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	YESTERDAY! But what did I do TODAY?

YOUNG CORNFED:	Oh Brad's looking for you too. You know, he really likes
		you.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	What are you saying? That he's junior Minty? A pile driver?
		He flies the red eye? He likes the center square to block?

YOUNG CORNFED:	No, he looks up to you, that's all. Brad sees you as a role
		model, though for what role, I don't know.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	Hah. Seems the kid's got more snap in his cap than I
		realized. I should take him under my Hai Karate soaked
		wing, and let him drink deeply of the stagnant waters of my
		16-year old pool of experience - and speaking of pools,
		it's time for the girls swim team practice.

YOUNG CORNFED:	I'll become his partner, the day the US gives back the
		Panama canal.

YOUNG BRAD:	Oh sorry, Duckman. Color me snoopy, but - what were you
		doing?

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	Listening to a tape I recorded of a romantic night, with a
		special lady, now living with the nuns, enjoying magnetic
		memories of a night, when desire's aroma mingled,
		intoxicated and left us spent, but grateful, entwined, on
		wings of light.

YOUNG BRAD:	Gee I thought you were masturbating.

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	Thanks, but I wasn't masturbating, I swear - I was just
		oiling my mitt, and I mean that non-euphemistically. I
		believe something as beautiful as masturbation should wait
		till you find someone you love enough to marry. And then,
		when she never lets you touch her again, THAT's when
		sex-for-one becomes so, magical. And *I* think, that's
		worth waiting for.

YOUNG BRAD:	Wow! Will I ever find someone who loves ME enough to never
		let me touch her again?

YOUNG DUCKMAN:	Oh, you will! And when you find her, you'll be together,
		forever! Like Sally and Burt, Cher and Gregg, Rod and
		Britt, or Claudine and Spider, for *always*.

DUCKMAN:	My God, Corny - how do we let Americans sink into this
		kinda poverty and misery?

CORNFED:	Many socio-economic factors contrib...

DUCKMAN:	Ehr, hello! Not REAL reasons! I want a gross
		oversimplification I can slap on my car bumper so I can
		delude myself into thinking that I'm DOING something.

CORNFED:	Oh, OK. A flag-burning amendment will fix everything.

DUCKMAN:	Gee, in movies, homeless guys turn out to be piano
		prodigies, or great surgeons, while their home-spun brand
		of wisdom brings troubled families together, but Brad's...
		NONE of those.

DUCKMAN:	Damned, I must have missed one! Ehr... I said ehr 'cram
		unjust math piston'.

CORNFED:	Uhuh. Are you having a stroke?

DUCKMAN:	I haven't decided yet.

CORNFED:	[..] it could take a while.

DUCKMAN:	Well - no rush! Take your time! A job half done is near
		begun! Heh heh. See ya!

BRAD:		How do I look?

DUCKMAN:	Like a million bucks! You'll have an apartment, a job, and
		a staggering consumer debt by the end of the day!

DUCKMAN:	Alright now look - when the Social Services joker gets
		here, let ME do all the talking. If words were cherry
		stems, my tongue would be in Sherilyn Fenn's mouth.

DUCKMAN:	Please - he really is homeless. Hell, he's been living in a
		vacant lot.

SOCIAL SERVICES: Really? Well that would be trespassing.

DUCKMAN:	Oh no no, it's not private property, it's under the
		interstate.

SOCIAL SERVICES: So, federal land equals FELONY trespassing.

DUCKMAN:	You're gonna come down on a guy who lives in a refrigerator
		box?

SOCIAL SERVICES: Unauthorized storage and disposal on federal land, equals
		BIG felony per Waste Disposal Act of 1991.

BRAD:		I think we've taken up enough of...

DUCKMAN:	Please! He was there 15 years before that law was passed.

SOCIAL SERVICES: Excellent. Over 15 years of walking across that lot to
		access his refrigerator box, Mr Gilliland created an
		easement.

DUCKMAN:	What does that mean?

BRAD:		Oh no it really doesn't matter...

SOCIAL SERVICES: Property taxes and federal land use maintenance fees -
		oodles of them!

BRAD:		My whole life I've been told, "You can't". You can't go to
		school anymore. You can't stay in town anymore. You can't
		get a job without a diploma. It was bad enough when I
		thought they were talking about someone named Hugh, but it
		turns out they meant me!