It's been nearly two years since the last revision, and quite a lot of
new songs have arrived in the meantime (manythanx to all who contributed!),
so it's definitely time for a new edition of...



		      COMPUTER SONGS AND POEMS
		      =====<version 1.4>======
		      ------06-Aug-1994-------


    (Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects)


 collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen <haenssgen@acm.org>


The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by a line of "@"s :

Title    : The title of the parody
Original : The title of the original
Group    : The one(s) who performed the original
Author   : Author of the parody
Info     : Additional Comments by the Author
Song     : The Parody itself


I'd like to thank the following people for their contributions,
suggestions and error corrections (in alphabetical order)

	Joerg Anslik <janslik@leibniz.gun.de>
	David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
	Rob Beukers <rob@dutetvd.et.tudelft.nl>
	Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
	Ulrika Bornetun <ulrika.bornetun@zh001.ubs.ubs.ch>
	Frank Borger <frank@rover.uchicago.edu>
	Richard Carlsson <m90rca@tdb.uu.se>
	Alan Cox <iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk>
	Tony Duell <ard@siva.bristol.ac.uk>
	Jonathan Dursi <dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca>
	Axel Eble <Axel.Eble@imbi.uni-freiburg.de>
	Martin Emmerich <me@grmbl.uucp>
	Uli Fraus <fraus@forwiss.uni-passau.de>
	Greg Gerke <ggerke@unocss.UUCP>
	Charlie Gibbs <Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca>
	Andreas Gustafsson <gson@spiderman.cs.hut.fi>
	Thorbjoern Hansen <hansen@forwiss.uni-passau.de>
	Jonathan E. Katz <jonathan@kanga.cad.ucla.edu>
	Romain Kang <romain@pyramid.com>
	Evan Kirshenbaum <evan@hplerk.hpl.hp.com>
	Thomas Koenig <ig25@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de>
	Rich Kulawiec <rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu>
	Greg Lehey <grog@lemis.uucp>
	Mark Lottor <mkl@nisc.sri.com>
	N. R. Norm Lunde <norm@ctr.columbia.edu>
	Scott Malcomson <Scott.Malcomson@f110.n114.z1.fidonet.org>
	Sander van Malssen <sander@kozmix.hacktic.nl>
	Adrian Mariano <adrian@u.washington.edu>
	Colin McCormack <colinm@extro.ucc.su.oz.au>
	Keith Michaels <krm@sdc.boeing.com>
	Dipesh Navsaria <navsaria@bu-pub.bu.edu>
	Ove Ruben R Olsen <Ove.R.Olsen@ubb.uib.no>
	Joel Polowin <polowin@chem.queensu.ca>
	Reinier Post <reinpost@info.win.tue.nl>
	Robert E. Seastroms <rs@ai.mit.edu>
	George Sicherman <windmill.att.com!gls>
	Boas Simon <boas@uni-paderborn.de>
	Ignatios Souvatzis <souva@aibn53.mpifr-bonn.mpg.de>
	Ellen Spertus <erspert@athena.mit.edu>
	Starship Trooper / Greywolf <greywolf@autodesk.com>
	Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
	The Unknown User <unknown@ucscb.ucsc.edu>
	Greg Weiss <grweiss@phoenix.princeton.edu>
	Martin Welk <mw@pandora.ruhr.sub.org>
	Alan Winston <winston@ssrl01.slac.stanford.edu>
	<snarler%maple.decnet@pine.circa.ufl.edu>
	<dscatl!daysinns!alanf@gatech.edu>

This collection contains the following songs:
	[changes to the previous version (1.3) are marked
	 "+" for additions and
	 "/" for edited songs]

	0x0d2c
+	16 Bits
+	602 is Coming to Core
	99 Buckets of Bits
+	99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
	A Better Model
	A Graphic Song
	A is for Apple
	Addicted To Vi
	Addicted To News
+	A Hacker's Lot
	The Alternative Wall
+	A More Effective Manager
+	An IBM User
	An Irish CPU
	Another Glitch in the Call
	Another One
+	ARPAWOCKY
	A Song of Computation
	A Time for DWIM
	Automation
	A Visit from Saint Woz
+	Away in QMANGR
+	bbb+b
	BBN Superlisp
+	Beautiful Program
+	The Bell Labs UNIX System
+	Blow Out
/	Berkelian Rhapsody
	Berkeley California
	Berkeley 4.3
	Boot It
	Both Ways, Now
	The Boys of HP
	The Bug Came Back
	Bye Bye, UNIX
+	Bye, Bye, System
	CAMM (Crustified Ancient of Main Memory)
	Can't parse this
+	C Hacker in Paradise
+	The Chilled Water Waltz
+	COBOL Programmer's Swing
+	Code-a-lot
+	Comp Sci Serenade
+	The Computerbury Tales
+	Computerized Girl
+	Computer Man
	The Computer Nevermore
+	Control-C Song
	Core dumped blues
+	CPU Delight
+	Crasher's Song
	CRASH! goes the System
+	The Crash of the Ten and Eleven
	CRAY-S's coolant
	Cycles For Nothing
+	Dasi, Dasi
+	The Data-comm Song
	The Day Bell System Died
+	The Day SunOS Died
	The DEC man cometh
	DECman
+	Destruction
+	The Devil Went Down to Crawford
	The Disks of UNIX
	Don't Call From Home
	Don't Have a Conniption
	DP Man
	Emacs Wizard
+	Ever Onward, IBM
	Every Cycle is Sacred
+	The Field Service Anthem
	Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
+	The First TOPS-10
	Fork()ing on a Sun
	FORTRAN
+	FORTRAN Programs
+	FORTRAN Song
	French Horn Concerto (for modem users)
	Friend of the System
	Gateway To Heaven
	Gateway To Net Ten
	Girls just wanna defun
+	God Rest Ye CS Students
+	God Rest Ye Merry Network Fans
	HACKADU
	The Hackers are Best
	The Hacker Song
+	The Hacker's Battle Hymn
	The Hacker's Song
	Hacking Iron
	The HACTRN
+	Hark! the Screaming Students Cry
+	Has Anybody Seen My Code?
+	Hello, my ASCII gal
+	Hello, Solly
	I Could Have Tooled All Night
+	I'd Like to Buy Magnetic Tape
+	I'm a PDP-10 Wizard
+	I'm a Programmer
	I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas
+	In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree
+	I/O
+	I've Been Working on a Kernel
	I Want a New Bug
+	I want an RT
	I am the very model of a Genius Computational
	Into the Tube
+	Jargontalk
	JES The mighty system
	Just remember that you're flying o'er a disk pack....
+	Kludging My Software
	Lambda Bound
	Leavin' Fed'ral Express
+	Little Boxes
	Little PC
+	LOGIN Song
	Lonely Users
+	The Longest Path
+	Losing my Connection
+	Kitty of North Tempe
+	Magtapes Roasting
	The Maven
+	The Modern Software Manager
+	Monopoly
	Mr. Bossman
	My Favorite Hacks
	My Data are Over the Ocean
+	My Favorite Things (2)
	My Favourite Things
+	My Program Lies in the DEC-20
	Network Pie
	Not a Boolean
	Ode to Amy (or: The Frontend Shuffle)
+	Ode To Menu Systems
+	Old bit stream
+	Ole McMowle
+	On the Net
	Our First Day on Usenet
+	Over Hill, Over Caile
+	PCs are PCs
	P-I-F-FO
	Please Release Me
	PLIate's Dream
	Poor Pure Percy P
+	Programmer
	The Programmer's Blues
/	The Programmer's Viewpoint
+	Programs
	Puff the Fractal Dragon
	Rawhide
	The RSX Backup Song
	The RSX Support Song
	The RSX VMS Lovers Song
	Script for a Hacker's Tear
+	Sentimental Berwald
	SIGHUP Blues
+	Silicon Valley Guy
	Software for Nothing
	Socket Man
+	Somewhere over the Network
	Song of the Certified Data Processor
	The Sound of FORTRAN
	The Sounds of Silence
+	Stopcode Bells
	Structured Programmer's Soliloquy
	The Swapper
	System Crash
	Take me Down to the SunLab
	Tap My Wire
+	Telnet Song
	Ten little Modulans
	That old time PDP
+	That's Life At Case
	That was the HASP my friend
+	Twas the Night Before Implementation
	The 12 computerised days of Xmas
	These are are a Few of Our Favorite Machines
+	Those were the Days
	Treekiller
+	The Twelve Days of Uptime
	The Underfull Badness Blues
	UNIBUS
	UNIX
	Unix Man
	Unix Quandry
	Unix Wizard
	VAX Raphosdy
+	VMUNIX Blues
	Waiting for The Sun
	The Wall 2
	What is a Hacker?
+	What Segment is This?
+	When I'm Sixty Four
	When I was a lad
	When you try to get work from the data network
+	White Collar Holler
+	The Wonderful Hacker
	The Worm before Christmas
	Write in C
	Yellow Subroutine


One final remark: I collect postcards, so if you like this file
and think I deserve a small favour, how about sending me a nice
postcard? 8-)  I'd appreciate it very much! Really!
My address for the next few years is:

		Stefan Haenssgen
		Nuitsstr. 2c
		D-76185 Karlsruhe
		Germany


PS:  This file (and future updates) is also available via
     anonymous FTP at  ftp.ira.uka.de (129.13.10.90)
		    in  /pub/doc/computersongs-1.4.Z

PPS: (So much for "One final remark" ;-)  Comments, suggestions,
     further contributions and error corrections are always
     welcome!


...and here we go:


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 0x0d2c
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Mitchell <mitchell@mdd.comm.mot.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


		0x0d2c
		------

      May all your signals trap
    May your references be bounded
	    All memory aligned
	Floats to ints be rounded

    Remember....

	   Nonzero is TRUE
	     ++ adds one
	Arrays start with [0]
	 NULL points to none

	 For octal use zero
	   0x means in hex
	     use = to set
	  and == for a test

	 Use -> for a pointer
	  a dot if it's not
	   ?: is confusing
	   use this a lot

	 a.out is your program
	 there's no 'u' in foobar
	and char (*(*x())[])() is
     a function returning a pointer
	 to an array of pointers
      to functions returning a char


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 16 Bits
Original : 16 Tons
Group    : ?
Author   : Tony Williams and Bill Mulert
Intro    :
Song     :

			      16 Bits

		     (to the tune of 16 Tons)
		 by Tony Williams and Bill Mulert


     Some people say computers are made outta chips,
     Digital logic and binary bits.
     Takes a technical jerk to wanna make it run,
     So I went to computer-mart and bought myself one.

     Ya load 16 bits, and whattya get ?
     64K and a floppy diskette.
     At $1200 it's surely inane,
     You get a Biorhythym chart and a video game.

     I was born one morning in a software mine,
     I picked up my keyboard and I entered a line.
     I loaded some BASIC, I loaded FORTRAN,
     But nothing I loaded into COBOL ran.

     Chorus:
     Ya load 16 bits, and whattya get ?
     64K and a floppy diskette.
     IBM don't ya call me 'cause I gotta regroup,
     I'm stuck right now in an infinite loop.

     Well, I sat at the keyboard with the Programmer's Itch,
     But everything I entered ran into a glitch.
     I messed up ma memory, ma register gates,
     Made me wanta fold, spindle, and mutilate.

     (Chorus)

     I got a serial modem with dual disk packs,
     The house I once owned is now Radio Shack's.
     30 I/O ports to do as ya will,
     If the price don't get ya then the light bill will.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 602 is Coming to Core
Original : Santa is Coming to Town
Group    : Traditional (?)
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

		       602 is Coming to Core

		   (to Santa is Coming to Town)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     Oh, you'd better not peek.
     You'd better not spy.
     You'd better not poke.
     I'm telling you why.
     602 is comming to core!

     The devlin bombs.
     You can't do a call.
     Gettabs just
     Don't work at all.
     602 is comming to core!

     It wakes you when you're sleeping.
     It swaps you when you're small.
     It puts you into 'MQ wait',
     And you can't get out at all.  So...

     You'd better not peek.
     You'd better not spy.
     You'd better not poke.
     I'm telling you why.
     602 is coming to core!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 99 Buckets of Bits
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer
Group    : Traditional
Author   : "Jonathan E. Katz" <jonathan@kanga.cad.ucla.edu>
Intro    : (of course 90 buckets of bits then becomes 8f buckets of bits...)
	    buckets can also be replaced by bytes
Song     :

99 buckets of bits on the bus,
99 buckets of bits.
take one down,
short it to ground.
98 buckets of bits on the bus..


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
		    99 Bugs in the Monitor Now

		(to 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     99 bugs in the monitor now.
     99 bugs in the core.
      Run DDT.
      Find two or three.
     96 bugs in the monitor now.


     96 bugs in the monitor now....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Better Model
Original : A Modern Major-General
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Intro    :
Song     :

			     A Better Model
			     ==============
		  by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
			  Submitted by "Spam"
	      Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
			by Gilbert and Sullivan


I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

Chorus:  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
	  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
	  His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?

Cho:  And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?

By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.

Cho:  You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.

Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title    : A Graphic Song ("It's a commie plot")
Original : "Catch a Wave"
Author   : ?
Info     : Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
Song     :


Lead:   Nobody wants to try the greatest hack around
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Everybody tries it once
Lead:   Those who have just want to shut it down
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   You cut some code, then compile and link,
	 and then you - turn on the plotter, fill the pens with ink,
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   Not just DECgraph, 'cause it's been plotting on so long
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   It's been going now for hours
Lead:   They said it wouldn't plot that long
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   They'll eat their words with a forkin' VAX, just watch 'em -
	 they rasterize in real time - it drags ass
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   So take a lesson from a top-notch hacker boy
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Get yourself RSX
Lead:   But don't you treat it like a toy
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   So stick your plot, go ahead and whine, look fella -
	 we don't plot 'round here, this is real time
Tutti:  You gotta -
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
	 Plot, plot, where the sun never shines
	 Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A is for Apple
Original : A is for Apple
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Douglas Spencer
Intro    :
Song     :


A is for Apple

by Douglas Spencer
Computer Systems Administrator,  Anderman and Co Ltd


    A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
    D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
    C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.

    E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
    F is a FORK for creating a child,
    G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER

    I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
    J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
    K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.

    M is the MODEM we use from our home,
    N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
    O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.

    Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
    R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
    S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.

    U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear,
    V is the VISUAL editor here.
    W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.

    Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
    Z for the snores from the programming pool.
    Written while waiting while dinner was cooking

submitted by chiyo to funny@looking.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted to News
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Elf Sternberg <elf@halcyon.com>
Intro    :
Song     :

 The lights are on-- 'cause you're at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.sex, and talk.bizarre,
 You his 'reply,' start a flamewar!
 You don't sleep, you drink Coke,
 You can't stop, you might choke.
 Know what, you crave the most?
 Talk.religion, with unread posts!

 You like to think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh yeah?
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 Pirate clari, you've got it all.
 Local news, e'en from Nepal?
 'End of newsgroups' is your key,
 To join *.advocacy!
 A fido gate's your latest fun,
 Mailing lists, every one.
 A one-track mind, you can't be pried,
 From your keyboard, until you've died!

 Just when you think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh, yeah!
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 The lights are on, 'cause your at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.slack, talk.pol.misc,
 You've never felt a real live kiss!

 		Elf !!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Chuck Musciano <chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com>
Intro    : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi,
	    I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of
	    "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
	    As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women,
	    all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing
	    sinuously.
Song     :


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L?  You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste!  Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Hacker's Lot
Original : A Policeman's Lot
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :

			  A Hacker's Lot


	      (to the tune of A Policeman's Lot from
	   Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance)
	     (italicized words are sung by the chorus)
			  by Brad Needham


     When a hacker's not engaged in compilation compilation
     or single-stepping code in adb adb
     his/her concept of enlightened conversation conversation
     is as far removed from coding as can be. as can be
     One misnomer is as good as any other; any other
     a "hacker" is the soul who makes things run. makes
	 things run
     Ah, take one consideration with another with another
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one.
     Oh, a hacker is the soul who makes things run, makes
	 things run;
     a hackers lot is not a happy one, happy one.

     Though our lucid comments gush with human feeling human
	 feeling
     and clearly document each program's works program's
	 works
     the remote mail system shows no signs of healing signs
	 of healing
     and nroff still contains annoying quirks. 'noyying
	 quirks
     Our aesthetics we, with difficulty, smother 'culty
	 smother
     when an "rm -r *" must be undone. be undone
     Taking one consideration with another with another
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one.
     Oh, when an "rm -r *" must be undone, be undone
     a hacker's lot is not a happy one, happy one.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Alan Cox <iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk>, Leon Thrane,
	    Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet <aem@aber.ac.uk> & (?)
Intro    : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long
	    drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London &
	    Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song     :

			   The Alternative Wall:-

 Established by:- 	Anarchy, Atropos, White,
 			Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed.

Nobody On
---------

I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.

My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..

Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Two.

Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.

UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...

		      The Alternative Wall, Part Three.

The Trial
---------

Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!

"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"

-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.

			 The Alternative Wall, Part Four.

The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------

Is there anybody out there?

(repeat ad nauseam)

			 The Alternative Wall, Part Five.

One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!

Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!

Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!

Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

			The Alternative Wall, Part Six.

Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------

What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?

How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.

Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here but can you see me?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.

Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?

There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.

When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.

		       The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.

In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.

I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.

Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A More Effective Manager
Original : A More Humane Mikado
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :

		     A More Effective Manager


	       (to the tune of A More Humane Mikado
	     from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado".)
			  by Brad Needham


					    1
     A more effective manager never did LDP  produce.
     For months, I've been hearing top management jeering
     each schedule we introduce
     for every schedule ever written has slipped to varied
	 extents.
     This grave disaster I soon will master
     by jailing incompetents.

     Chorus:
     Their punishment, all sublime, embodies this paradigm:
     to let the schedule fit the time
	     the schedule fit the time
     and make each estimate consequently necessitate
     the thing's completion upon the date
		  completion upon the date.

     The furniture mover erratically shuffling causing
	 confusion and fuss:
     we'll move his apartment into a compartment
     aboard an interstate bus.

     Committees deliberate, morning to evening,
	 implementation details.
     They're found in loud bunches debating their hunches
     on what "loosely-coupled" entails.

     The marketing zealot who preannounces each technological
	 leap
     shall find that his peers preannounced by three years
     the hotel where he's scheduled to sleep.

     The assembly-line hacker whose constant rewriting
	 annihilates his afternoons
     shall find his job usurped by a mob
     of hyperactive baboons.

     (Chorus)

     The jargon speaker is trapped by his fellows who never
	 use english too much.
     They utter most freely pig-latin, swahili,
     chinese, esperanto, and dutch.

     The seeming dyslexic who disregards documents over one
	 page and a-half
     is jailed where he grovels interpreting novels
     transmitted by telegraph.

     The man-month thinker who adds more bodies the later a
	 project becomes
     to keep working faster must, each morning, master
     an extra set of thumbs.

     The fellow whose schedules never consider that murphy's
	 spirit intrudes
     is placed where he begs to boil "three-minute" eggs
     at very high altitudes.

     (Chorus)

  1
   Choose your favorite company

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : An IBM User
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Falkirk Bard
Intro    :
Song     :
			    An IBM User

	  (A true story of Raw Courage & Human Endeavour)
		 as chronicled by the Falkirk Bard

	      An IBM user,
	      Deciding to temp fate,
	      Tried to use the Big Computer,
	      To read his wee mag tape.

	      He got the job assembled,
	      Then sent it down the line.
	      "I hope this thing is fast", he said,
	      "I want it back in time."

	      The IBM Computer
	      Said with a shout of glee,
	      "Ah-ha a brand new user,
	      What fun we'll have I see."

	      The 3081 returned the job,
	      And the story it did tell,
	      Was that it couldn't run the job,
	      'Cause of failure in J. C. L.

	      After many weeks of trial,
	      The user jumped for joy.
	      "It likes my J. C. L. now.
	      It loves me boy-oh-boy."

	      But IBM's are playful things
	      They like to have their fun,
	      As the user searched his output,
	      He saw what it had done.

	      Its latest bit of humour
	      Was plain for all to see,
	      It went and killed his job off,
	      With Abend code 413.

	      The user got the book down,
	      Turned to the proper place,
	      And after careful searching found
	      Of 413 -- no trace.

	      Said the user, "I am patient,
	      I never lose the place,
	      But if this doesn't work soon,
	      I'll kick it in the face."

	      He sent the job back in then,
	      Without another sound,
	      But the 3081 replied with,
	      "System file not found."

	      "What the hell does this mean?"
	      Asked the user with a dirty look,
	      "It's a standard flipping routine,
	      It says so in the book."

	      At the place of Foreign Language,
	      He went to ask of them,
	      But they replied, "We're sorry,
	      We don't speak IBM."

	      But this story has an ending,
	      When many months later,
	      The user got his tape read,
	      By a baby Interdata!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : An Irish CPU
Original : An Irish Ballad
Group    : Tom Lehrer
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			      AN IRISH CPU
		   (to An Irish Ballad by Tom Lehrer)
		       by Sarah Elizabeth Miller

About a CPU I sing,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
About a CPU I sing
Who sat around compi-a-ling
And wouldn't do another thing
For anyone else logged in, logged in,
For anyone else logged in.

Old programs it would just ignore,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Old programs it would just ignore
And leave them rotting in the core,
Not caring what they all were for
Except those in "user/bin", "user/bin",
Except those in "user/bin".

This CPU was lots of fun,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This CPU was lots of fun
Until one wanted programs run
And if one tried to get them done
It typed back "You're not logged in, logged in."
It typed back "You're not logged in."

Long processes it would not do,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Long processes it would not do
And, rather than to run them through,
Would ask to have some Irish stew
And a couple of cases of gin, of gin,
And a couple of cases of gin.

And then it would raise hellish toasts,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
And then it would raise hellish toasts
And make a few obnoxious boasts,
Not only could it drink the most,
It knew many more ways to sin, to sin.
It knew many more ways to sin.

To prove its point to all the world,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
To prove its point to all the world
It let the magtape fall in curls
And wrap around some foxy girl
And slowly rewind her in, her in,
And slowly rewind her in.

This sordid tale I won't prolong,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This sordid tale I won't prolong
And, if you do not enjoy my song,
You've got Abe to blame if it's too long.
He should never have let me begin, begin.
He should never have let me begin.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Another Glitch in the Call
Original : Another Brick in the Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM  /  decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!roderick ?
Intro    :
Song     :

		       Another Glitch in the Call
		       ==========================
	     (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.)
		 (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM)

     We don't need no indirection
     We don't need no flow control
     No data typing or declarations
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those lists alone!
     Chorus:
	 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
     We don't need no side effect-ing
     We don't need no scope control
     No global variables for execution
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those args alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no allocation
     We don't need no special nodes
     No dark bit-flipping in the functions
	 Hey!  You!  Leave those bits alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no compilation
     We don't need no load control
     No link edit for external bindings
	 Hey!  You!  Leave that source alone!
     (Chorus, and repeat)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Another One
Original : Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-)
Song     :


better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
	be good
}

    better !pout !cry
    better watchout
    lpr why
    santa claus <north pole >town

    cat /etc/passwd >list
    ncheck list
    ncheck list
    cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
    cat list | grep nice >giftlist
    santa claus <north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping
    who | grep awake
    who | grep bad || good
    for (goodness sake) { be good; }


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : ARPAWOCKY
Original : Jabberwocky
Group    : Lewis Carrol
Author   : R. Merryman
Intro    : I'd like to nominate RFC 527: ARPAWOCKY by R. Merryman
	   (or D.L. Covill or whoever)  for inclusion in your collection
	   of Computer Songs and Poems. Here it is:
Song     :

Network Working Group                                    R. Merryman  (UCSD-CC)
Request for Comments:  527                                              6/22/73


			       ARPAWOCKY


		     Twas brillig, and the Protocols
			  Did USER-SERVER in the wabe.
		     All mimsey was the FTP,
			  And the RJE outgrabe,

		     Beware the ARPANET, my son;
			  The bits that byte, the heads that scratch;
		     Beware the NCP, and shun
			  the frumious system patch,

		     He took his coding pad in hand;
			  Long time the Echo-plex he sought.
		     When his HOST-to-IMP began to limp
			  he stood a while in thought,

		     And while he stood, in uffish thought,
			  The ARPANET, with IMPish bent,
		     Sent packets through conditioned lines,
			  And checked them as they went,

		     One-two, one-two, and through and through
			  The IMP-to-IMP went ACK and NACK,
		     When the RFNM came, he said "I'm game",
			  And sent the answer back,

		     Then hast thou joined the ARPANET?
			  Oh come to me, my bankrupt boy!
		     Quick, call the NIC! Send RFCs!
			  He chortled in his joy.

		     Twas brillig, and the Protocols
			  Did USER-SERVER in the wabe.
		     All mimsey was the FTP,
			  And the RJE outgrabe.

							    D.L. COVILL
							     May 1973

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Song of Computation
Author   : Tony Duell
Original : A Song of Reproduction
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Intro    : The processor 'of storage 4 k byte' is (of course) a Philips P850,
	    a minicomputer noted for its limited memory (4 k bytes was the
	    maximum), RISC-like instruction set, and total lack of speed.
	    After that, the PDP11/45 was a great improvement
	    EI set = Extended Instruction Set, i.e. the XOR, Multiply and
	   Divide instructions etc
	    DW11-B was a DEC option to use Q-Bus cards on a UNIBUS PDP11. They
	    are much desired by PDP11 enthusiasts, although they can cause
	    problems
	    NXM error = Non eXistant Memory error - what happens if there is a
	    bus time-out during a DMA transfer
	    Don't try to make too much sense of the spoken part in the middle
	    It makes more sense than the original, anyway
Song     :

I had a little processor
With storage 4 K byte
And with an octal program
It ran throughout the night
And then they optimised it
It was much faster then
And we loaded Fortran Programs
To make it slow again

Today for computation
I'm as eager as can be
Count me among the faithful fans
of high end P - D - P

High end PDP
45's the one for me
With cartridge disk and EI set
and 6 foot rack mount cabinet
floating point boards too
complete with M M U
All the lowest bits either clear or set
What they mean now I quite forget
Still there's enough range there for national debt
With my high end PDP

(spoken)
Who configured this for you anyway?
DEC field service ?!?!?
Ooooh what a shoddy job they made of it!
Suprised they let you run that configuration on this processor, the priorities
are all wrong. If you move the tape drive down the bus after the console port,
and then re-assign the address of the system disk, then you'll still only get
adequate performance if you run modified software
I see you've got your system disk on the Q-Bus! Take that though a DW11-B bus
convertor, and via your A-leg Mux into the ALU, If you're running multi-user,
you're going to loose grants. Try to load the OS that way and what'll you get
A NXM error!

High end PDP
RSX version 3
I've a shell right here that you won't escape
On miles of 9-track recording tape
18 bit address
Will prove a great success
With the console switch, at a single touch
The lisiting comes in double dutch
But I never did care for data much
With my high end PDP

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Time for DWIM
Original : A Time for Us
Group    : theme song from Romeo and Juliet
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

		  A Time for DWIM

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		   A Time for Us
	(theme song from Romeo and Juliet)]


A time for DWIM
There'll never be;
   No clever code
   This losing mode
Can UNDO for me.

This "golden hope"
(To be denied)
   Could never
Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide.

A way for bugs
There'll never be
To fix with generality.

So to this DWIM
Let's say farewell;
   The crocks therein
   Prove it can't win
And ring its knell:

Do What I Mean
Is just a ruse --
   It really
Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose!


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Rota, Kusik, and Snyder)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Automation
Original : Fascination
Group    : Jane Morgan (???)
Author   : Alan Sherman (singer), transcribed by Russell Street
		(russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info     : The music Sherman used had be re-arranged from the
		"original" of the song I have.
Song     :

It was automation, I know,
That was what was making the factory go.
It was IBM, it was UNIVAC,
It was all those gears going clickerty-clack, dear

I thought automation was keen,
'Till you were replaced by a ten tonne machine.
It was that computer that tore us apart, dear
Automation broke my heart.

There's an RCA 503
Standing next to me, dear, where you used to be.
Doesn't have your smile, doesn't have your shape.
Just a lot a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear.

Your a girl whose soft, warm and sweet.
But your only human and that's obselete.
Though I'm very fond of that new 503, dear.
Automation's not for me.

"It was automation", I'm told
That's why I got fired and I'm out in the cold
How could I have known, when the 503,
Started into blink, it was winking at me, dear.

I thought it was just some mishap.
When it sidled over and sat on my lap
But when it said "I love you" and gave me a hug, dear
That's when I pulled out it's plug


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Visit from Saint Woz
Original : The Night Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Nick?)
Group    : ?
Author   : Marty Knight
Intro    :
Song     :


A VISIT FROM SAINT WOZ
by Marty Knight

'Twas the night before Christmas, no sound in the house.
My GS is dusty and so is my mouse.
My dealer's gone Mac; he's too brainwashed to care.
Apple marketing smells like that old dairy-air.

My children are nestled, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Mac LCs (ugh) dance in their heads.
The GS is dead, I've heard them all say.
They might just be right; things look pretty gray.

When all of a sudden a great noise I did hear.
I woke with a start and fell flat on my rear.
Awakened from slumber I jumped up to see
tripped over the cat and twisted my knee.

The moon brightly shone on the new fallen snow.
I looked but saw nothing, then turning to go,
stopped short...  What's that?...  Is that synthLAB I hear?
Why yes!  Yes it is!  That's good reason to cheer!

I jumped and I shouted and I danced then because
I knew right away that it must be Saint Woz.
More rapid than Zip Chip, old Wozniak came.
He whistled and shouted and called out by name:

"Now Quickie!  Now Allison!  Now AppleWorks GS!
Go Claris!  On SuperConvert!  I love you Vitesse!
Platinum Paint is so cool!  Twilight Screen Blanker rules!
Who needs those old Macs when you've got Apple IIs?

"If you have been true I've got presents to dole,
but if you're like inCider you'll get lumps of coal."
So up to the housetop with the Green Team he flew;
Jim Merritt, Andy Nicholas, and Saint Wozniak, too.

I kept very quiet so that I might hear
SoundSmith tunes softly playing, spreading Apple II cheer.
Then I heard a slight scrape and as I turned 'round
down the chimney Saint Wozniak came with a bound.

He wore blue jeans and sneakers and a T-shirt that said
II-Infinitum ... II-Forever...  I had nothing to dread!
A sack of great software he had slung on his back
and he looked like a hacker there searching his pack.

His eyes twinkled brightly, his dimples so merry,
his cheeks red as apples, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth smiled a smile oh so grand.
And a full bearded chin, GDL labels in hand.

A thick slice of pizza he held tight in his teeth
and the steam from it circled his head like a wreath.
A plump little face and a round little belly.
He laughed and it shook like a bowl of grape jelly.

He was chubby and plump; a right jolly old elf.
I laughed when I saw him, for he looked like myself.
He winked right at me then he twisted his head,
so I knew deep inside I had nothing to dread.

He said not a word.  He went straight to work
programming in ORCA, then he turned with a jerk.
Then placing his finger on top of that mess,
and giving a nod... GAMES for the GS!

He jumped to his sleigh and it rose from the ground.
But before it took off I saw him turn 'round
and I heard him exclaim, 'ere he flew out of sight,
"Apple II Forever, and to all a good night!"


Copyright 1990 by Marty Knight


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Away in QMANGR
Original : Away in a Mange
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
			  Away in QMANGR

		       (to Away in a Manger)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder

     Away in QMANGR,
     No room for a file,
     My program and output
     Are stuck for a while.
     The stop button's down
     And the opr's away.
     The little line printer's
     Asleep for the day.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : bbb+b
Original : 100 Bottles of Beer
Group    : Traditional
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

			       bbb+b


	       (to the tune of 100 Bottles of Beer)


     100 buckets of bits on the bus
     100 buckets of bits
     take one down (short it to ground)
     FF buckets of bits on the bus

     FF buckets of bits on the bus
     FF buckets of bits
     take one down (short it to ground)
     FE buckets of bits on the bus

     etc.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : BBN Superlisp
Original : Jesus Christ Superstar
Group    : from Jesus Christ Superstar
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	     BBN Superlisp

	    [to be sung to the tune of
	      Jesus Christ Superstar]


Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you think "Do What I Mean" is so cool and grand;
You'd have managed better if you'd thought it through,
Why'd you pick such an awkward way your bugs to undo?
Your hairy feature will not be the last revolution,
It's clear "Mean What I Do" is the ultimate solution!

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?

Tell us what you think about your friends at the top,
Who d'you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop?
Is LISP 1.5 where it's at? Is it where you are?
Does Stanford's LISP have features too or is that just PR?
Do you have the breakpoint scheme that MACLISP is known for,
Or is that just the kind of kludge the user's on his own for?

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?


			 -- The Great Quux
			      (with apologies to
				 Rice and Webber)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Beautiful Program
Original : Beautiful Dreamer
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Beautiful Program

		      (to Beautiful Dreamer)
	     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman


     Beautiful program
     Please run for me.
     I've tried you in BASIC,
     FORTRAN and C.
     Beautiful program,
     You've errors galore.
     And each time I run you,
     You're swapped out of core.
	[Alternate: There's thirty-five more]


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Bell Labs UNIX System
Original : The Girl from Ipanema
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    : (inspired by an attempt to write a UNIX-like OS in Pascal)
Song     :


		     The Bell Labs UNIX System

	      (to the tune of The Girl from Ipanema)
			  by Brad Needham


     Clean and swift and small and simple
     The Bell Lab's UNIX system is published
     And when they read it
     Each one who reads it goes "aah".

     Files it has -- so elementary
     File names too, that move so gently
     That when they read it
     Each one who reads it goes "aah".

     Oh, but I read it so sadly!
     So much is lost in translation.
     How could I code it so badly?
     And how could they blame it on me?
     I write in Pascal, not in C.

     Clean and swift and small and simple
     The Bell Labs UNIX system is published
     And when I read mine, I cry
     Cause it's not in C.
	    it's just not in C.
	 no it's just not in C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Blow Out
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    :
Song     :

     Like to tell you the story today about my cpu,
     It does alot of different things that no one else can
	 do,
     Assembin' compilin' and all sorts of filin',
     (But the) one main thing that results is a blow out
	 every time,

     Chorus:

     Blow out, a blow out, the Vax had another blow out
     Blow out, a blow out, doin' a change mode.
     Blow out, a blow out, the Vax had another blow out
     Blow out, a blow out, was it due to the heavy load.

							   4
     Late one night in the middle of the term while George
	 soundly slept.
     A cpu dropped a bit and promptly crashed the net.
     A-machine wheezed,b belched, and fu's let out a shout,
     And just as you would expect, the Vax had another blow
	 out!

     (Chorus)

     The freshman panicked, the sophomores screemed, the
	 juniors quietly wept.
     "What are we to do after the super users have left?"
     The seniors said "Have no fear and get the phone book
	 out,
     We'll call George because, the Vax had another blow
	 out."

     (Chorus)

     They called George and woke him up and got him out of
	 bed.
     And when he heard their voices, he knew the Vax was
	 dead.
     "What is running that made the Vax bomb?
     Did those stupid users finally run out of ROM?"
     (They said) "The line has formed down the hall cause
	 many programs are due
     There is 263, 362, 363, 466, 467, 468, 695b, just to
	 name a few.
     We tried to fix it on our own, so we got the intructions
	 out.
     And heres what it says to do when the Vax has had a blow
	 out."

     (Chorus)

     The manual from DEC was to the point and very clear,
     (it said) "No winding no batterys just kick it right
	 here".
     Well George, we tried it but it still refuses to run,
     What are we supposed to do to get our assignments done?
     (He said), "Dump the core and boot it once more, and
	 tell the users not to pout
     The only thing that happened is, the Vax had another
	 blow out"

     (Chorus)

     (So they) dumped the core and booted it once more and
	 the disks began to spin,
     Everyone was cheering because they knew it'd run again.
     They thanked George politely because they had no doubts,
     The Vax had just recovered from one of many blow outs.

     (Chorus)

     Now you've heard the story today about our cpu,
     It did alot of different things that no one else could
	 do.
     We're really gonna miss it when the when the memory
	 finally dies,
     but we'll know it'll have a grand blow out in the sky.

     (Chorus)


  4
   guy that ran the computer at pur-ee.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkelian Rhapsody
Original : Bohemian Rhapsody
Group    : Queen
Author   : Greywolf <greywolf@autodesk.com>
Intro    : I have a real gem for you, if you're familiar at all with Queen's
	   "Bohemian Rhapsody", recently re-popularized over here in the
	   states by the movie "Wayne's World", a cinematic production with
	   which most Europeans will not identify, being culturally different
	   than we are (and, I might add, more advanced in their cultures).
Song     :

			BERKELIAN RHAPSODY
		(to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody")

Is this in real time?  Is this in memory?
Caught in a for(;;) loop, no escape from this subroutine...
open() your files, branch through the do{}while()s and see
I'm just the kernel, I need no libraries
Because you boot me up, load and go
Branch from high, store to low
Any way the thread flows
Doesn't really matter to me
To me.

unlink() just killed a file
Filled it's data up with NULLs, cleared the inode, closed the holes
vfork(), life had just begun
Then kill(0, SIGKILL) blew it all away
mmap(), ooooooh, didn't mean to make it die
if (the parent process doesn't fork again) {
	carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters;
}

Too late, init has died
Flush my buffers out from core, then reboot() and try once more
panic ("freeing free block"); I've got to crash
Got to enter kdb and see the truth
Init, ooooooooh (Any way the thread flows)
I've lost my tty
I wish my page hadn't been swapped out at all...

I see the signal trap vectors into core
Interrupt!  Overrun!  It will do a fandango
Data's skrogged like lightning, very very frightening me
Dennis Ritchie?  Kenneth Thompson?  Kirk McKusick?  Eric Allman
Someone help me!  Robert Pike?
Oh, Kernighan (-an -an -an -an -an)

I'm just a quick hack, nobody uses me
He just makes sockets in his address family
Spare him a buffer in high memory
bind(); accept(); msg_send(); will it let me go?
munmap();  NO!  It will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go	(LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go			(LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go
		  Will not let you go oh, oh, oh, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
kill(0, SIGKILL), exit(0); exit(0); let me go!
BSDi has a daemon set aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can stomp on my stack space and text?
.. Skrog my image and data by calling exec()?
Ohh, page-d, can't do this to me page-d
Just gotta switch out, just context switch right out of here

Nothing really hashes, anyone can see
Every process thrashes, every disk drive crashes
On me

Any way the thread flows...

			- Music by Queen
			  Lyrics by R. Anderson
			  with posthumous apologies
			  to Freddie Mercury

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley California
Original : Hotel California
Group    : The Eagles
Author   : David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
Intro    : I remember getting a collection of computer songs of yours
	   a while ago.  Here's a song 3 of us made up recently in light of the
	   recent lawsuit between AT&T and BSDI, as well as the shift by Sun
	   (and others) away from Good Ol' BSD towards System V.
Song     :

    "Berkeley California"

(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)

 In a dark dim machine room
 Cool A/C in my hair
 Warm smell of silicon
 Rising up through the air
 Up ahead in the distance
 I saw a Solarian(tm) light
 My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
 I had to halt(8) for the night
 The backup spun in the tape drive
 I heard a terminal bell
 And I was thinking to myself
 This could be BSD or USL
 Then they started a lawsuit
 And they showed me the way
 There were salesmen down the corridor
 I thought I heard them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely place
 Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
 Any time of year
 Any time of year (backgrounded)
 You can find one here
 You can find one here

 Their code was definately twisted
 But they've got the stock market trends
 They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
 That they call friends
 How they dance in the courtroom
 See BSDI sweat
 Some sue to remember
 Some sue to forget
 So I called up Kernighan
 Please bring me ctime(3)
 He said
 We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
 And still those functions are calling from far away
 Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
 Just to hear them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely Place
 Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
 What a nice surprise
 What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
 Bring your alibies

 Windows NT a dreaming
 Pink OS on ice
 And they said
 We are all just prisoners here
 Of a marketing device
 And in the judges's chambers
 They gathered for the feast
 They diff(1)'d the source code listings
 But they can't kill -9 the beast
 Last thing I remember
 I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
 I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
 sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
 We are programmed to recv(2)
 You can swap out any time you like
 But you can never leave(1)

 [ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]

Written by David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
and Ken Hornstein <kenh@physci.psu.edu>
and a little help from Greg Nagy <nagy@cs.psu.edu>

and thanks to the lyrics archive at cs.uwp.edu

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley 4.3
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group    : Beatles
Author   : Jim Finnis
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

		In the RAM
		where I was forked,
		lived a ROM,
		who sailed the C...

		And he told,
		me of his life,
		in the Berkeley,
		4.3...

		We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
		Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
		We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
		Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.

				((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Boot It
Original : Beat it
Group    : Michael Jackson
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Boot It


You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.


Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,

So BOOT IT,

Get the system manager to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,

Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes,
man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,   Call the local guru to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky,
get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do itself.
BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Both Ways, Now
Original : Both Sides, Now
Group    : Joni Mitchell
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	       Both Ways, Now

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		 Both Sides, Now]


Decimal digits in a row,
Just set the dials and let 'er go.
The ENIAC was grossly slow --
    I used to code that way,
But then this Fortran came along;
I danced and sang a happy song:
So natural -- what could go wrong?
    I little knew, that day!
I've looked at Fortran both ways, now,
At II and IV, and still somehow,
It's rows of numbers I recall;
I really don't know Fortran at all.

Fortran IV is real good stuff,
But business hackers have it tough;
For them this Fortran's not enough --
    Then Cobol saved the day!
But now I sing a sad refrain;
This Cobol loss is no one's gain,
And writing programs is a pain
    (I get writer's cramp that way!)
I've looked at Cobol both ways, now,
I code in it, and still somehow,
It's FORMAT statements I recall;
I really don't know Cobol at all.

Cobol will for business do;
Accounts and payroll make it through
(And bills for zero dollars too --
    I get them every day!)
But those who hack symbolic frobs
Cannot make do with Cobol jobs,
And now I sing through anguished sobs,
    But Lisp is here to stay.
I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now,
At lambda forms, and still somehow,
It's Cobol statements I recall;
I really don't know Lisp at all.


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Joni Mitchell)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Boys of HP
Original : The Boys of Summer
Group    : Don Henley
Author   : Adam Sah <aos@max.physics.sunysb.edu>
Intro    : This reminds me of something we printed here in C.S. Major Magazine
	    regarding our beloved Hewlett-Packard 300 Series...
Song     :

The Boys of HP     (sung to the tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley)
--------------
			      (csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1)
Nobody in the room
no cursor on the screen
I feel it in the air
'csfs1 not responding'
empty disk, empty screen,
the server goes down alone
I was logged into my account
and I know you have no phone.

I can see it
the workstation's collecting dust
You've got your 'console long:'
and your blank screen, baby.
And I can tell you
I'll never get my source by dawn
once the boys from HP have gone.

I'll never forget those night.
I wonder if I ever got to sleep?
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how _you_ made _me_ scream?
I don't understand what happened to my source
If I can't ever get it back,
I'm sure you have no remorse.

I can see it
the system crashing on me
you've got your pinstriped suit
and your corporate paranoia, baby.
And I can tell you
my love for this will still be strong
after the boys of HP have gone

Out in the corridors I saw
    a bunch of lost programmers
A little voice inside my head say,
    "Don't buy more,
     you should never buy more"
I thought I knew where my source was
What did I know?
Those servers are gone forever,
I should just let them go, but-

I can see it-
your drives eating my work
You've got that salesman's pitch
and your demo running baby.
and I can tell you-
my love for CS will still be strong
even after the boys from HP have gone.

(c) 1991 by Adam Sah

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Bug Came Back
Original : The Cat Came Back
Group    : Harry Miller
Author   : Joel Polowin
Intro    : I'd like to submit the following for your consideration.
	   Copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Permission is hereby granted to
	   reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its
	   content is not altered and that this notice is appended.  I would
	   appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
	   Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston,Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9
	   polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA
Song     :

The Bug Came Back
-----------------
 (Copyright 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Music: "The Cat Came Back" by Harry Miller)

The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,
Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.
But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -
Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -

     (Chorus:)
     But the bug came back, the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner
     But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.

We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch
To find out where the new and older versions didn't match.
A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;
We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -

     (Chorus)

We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL
And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.
Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;
The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -

     (Chorus)

We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -
And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.
But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -
Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...

     (Chorus)

We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,
With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,
But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer --
A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?

     (Chorus)

(Last verse and corresponding alternate chorus are optional:)

We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:
A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired
Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be gassed.
A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...

     But the cat came back the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner
     But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Bye, Bye, System
Original : Bye, Bye, Baby
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

			 Bye, Bye, System

			(to Bye, Bye, Baby)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     Pack up all your I and O.
     Here we go.
     Core is low.
     Bye, bye, system.

     Watch the swapper swap you out.
     Moan and cry,
     Scream and shout.
     Bye, bye, system.

     No interpreter can understand me.
     SOS has given up and banned me.

     Rib block errors did me in.
     JD swapped,
     Just can't win.
     System, bye, bye.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Bye Bye, Unix
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Cathy Flint, Eric Griswold, Scott Neugroschl
Intro    : I went back to my old alma-mader, UC Santa Cruz, a week ago.
	   Things there always seem to be getting worse, although everybody
	   admits it's still better than Berkeley.   Anyway, the current
	   rage is to make fun of the CIS (Computer & Informational Sciences)
	   department political situation through song verses.   The following
	   is a typical example, even though some of it isn't true......
Song     :

	American Pie --- Hacker Style

    Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
    How UNIX used to make me smile...
    And I knew that with a login name
    That I could play those UNIX games
    And maybe hack some programs for a while.
    But February made me shiver
    With every program I'd deliver
    Bad news on the doorstep,
    I couldn't take one more spec...
    I can't remember getting smashed
    When I heard about the system crash
    And all the passwords got rehashed
    The Day That UNIX Died...
    And I was singing:

    Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye."
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
    This'll be the day that I die

    Did you write the new games shell
    And do you have faith in the manual?
    If b:dennie tells you so...
    Well, do you believe in UNIX C
    Can hacking save you memory
    And can you tell me why vi's so slow
    Well, I know that you're in love with C
    'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
    You just kicked off your shoes
    Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
    I was a lonely young computer geek
    With a program due 'most every week
    But I guess that I was meant to freak
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And I was singin:

    (chorus)

    Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
    The professor really is an ass.
    But that's not how it used to be...
    When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
    And user limits could go to hell
    And there was still space on UNIX C.
    And while the board was looking 'round
    The Chancellor brought the budget down
    The classes were adjourned
    Evaluations weren't returned
    And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
    The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
    And we wrote programs that weren't whole
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin'...

    (chorus)

    Helter skelter in the summer swelter
    I went in the lab to find some shelter
    Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
    C stayed up for ten whole days
    The hackers really were amazed
    Wonderin' how long it all would last.
    Well, both the forums were really great
    Nobody got us all irate
    We had a stroke of luck
    The system was not fucked
    'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
    The UNDR-shell was really keen
    Do you recall what was the scene
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin...

    (chorus)

    Our programs were all in one place,
    UNIX had run out of space
    With no time left to start again...
    So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
    Use every programming trick
    'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
    And as I watched the system fill
    My login process would be killed.
    The system just went down
    Consternation up at Crown!!!!
    The hours went on into the night
    And all that we could do was rite
    I saw Dennie laughing with delight
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And he was singin'...

    (chorus)

    I met a girl who sang the blues
    And I asked her for some stat lab news
    But she just cursed and said "grow up"
    I went down through the stat lab door
    Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
    But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
    And in the halls the students screamed,
    The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
    But not a word was spoken
    The Vaxes all were broken
    And the three folks I admire most
    The Father, Frank, and a.g.'s ghost
    They caught the last train for the coast
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And they were singin...

    So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye"
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...

		    (with apologies to Don McLean)

			    -- Cathy Flint
			       Eric Griswold
			       Scott Neugroschl


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Title:          CAMM (Crustified Ancient of Main Memory)
Original:       Justified Ancients of Moo Moo
Groyp:          KLF
Author:         Jonathan Dursi (dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca)
Intro:		C          CAMM - Crustified Ancient of Main Memory.
		C
		C  This came out of the depths of despair while I was modifying
		C  A *really* old, *really* big (IMHO) FORTRAN program, that
		C  is CPU intensive and *seriously* inefficient.
		C
		C  It just sort of appeared in my editor while I was working
		C  on the thing.  And it produced fewer compilation errors
		C  than the rest of it...
		C
		C  My sincerest of apologies to the KLF.
		C                  - Jonathan Dursi
		C                    dursi@clavius.stmarys.ca
Song:


Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it loves to use up RAM.

(from 1K to the top!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it's code I don't understand.

(and it's big, and it's BIG, and it's *BIG* now!)

He pulled me out of class, you see,
 He said, "Dursi, _you_ know FORTRAN!
I doubt that you'll like what you're *going* to do,
 But you'd better start now, because we need it soon!"

(Bring my 'C' back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it eats CPU, that CAMM...

(at least a GigaFLOP!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 "But sir, I had other plans..."

(That's too bad, that's too bad, that's too bad now!)

The last compile started half hour ago,
 And the users are starting to mob!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN,
 Then someone started screaming, turn off that job!

(give the keyboard back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

(Cruftified and ancient,
 Ancient and it's cruftified,
Will not compile though I've tried and tried,
 With the errors in the go-tos,
Common Blocks and Do-loops
 In the hundred thousand lines of the CAMM.

I'd really like to take a nap,
 'Cuz I know what time it is,
But I think it will compile if I change this line...
 Oops, well, guess not, looks like I'll be
Fishing through the listings all night.

Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!

VAX Pascal!
 Starting to look pretty good.
VAX FORTRAN?
 Bring my 'C' Back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Can't parse this
Original : U Can't Touch This
Group    : MC Hammer
Author   : patrick widener <pmw3y@acacia.cs.Virginia.EDU>
Intro    : rap it to the tune of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer,
	   and watch your phrasing.... :)
Song     :


can't parse this


my assignments hit me so hard
make me say, "oh my lord
thank you for blessin me
with a load to code and a 2 hype seat"
right here, in front of a Sparc
looks good in the light, looks better in the dark
but it tells me -  in a manner quite harsh
"This is a string I can't parse"

(I told ya, kludge-boy)
Can't Parse This
(yea, a fatal error and you know)
Can't Parse This
(look at that code, maaaan)
Can't Parse This
(yo lemme bust some funky diagnostics)

"fresh new bugs, and errors
your code is more than compiler terror
it's rotten - to the core
i don't like it but you know i'll get more
than i can handle
hold on
identifier not found or your semicolon's gone
step back - step back
can't you see i'm developing a crack
in my hardware - your code's a farce
cause this is a string I Can't Parse"

(yo i told ya)
Can't Parse This
(why you sittin there, man)
Can't Parse This
(yo, sound the terminal bell, ya got mail, sucka)

compile-time bugs disrupt my rhythm
it's tellin me trash is what i'm givin him
it's garbage, in and out
but instead of a nice little a.out
i get feedback
fed back
to me by this here RISC machine
no fun
what's it gonna take in the 90s to run these programs
4GLs?
either learn those or wind up in hell

that's longWORD because you know
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

top-down!

Stop!  Compile Time!

go with the flow
it is said if you can't write in C then you probably are dead
so wave K&R in the air
waste a few nights, run your fingers thru your hair
this is it
no dinner - code like this and you'll surely get thinner
sitting

on your rump
watch your machine cause it's gonna do a dump
dump dump dump (core dumped)

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
(ya better get Turbo cause I can't)
I Can't Parse This
(ring the bell, your mail's been returned)

shutdown!

Stop!  Link Time!

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

slowdown!
Stop!  Run Time!

every time I program
it complains about my code
maybe i'm in the wrong book or Emacs is in the wrong mode
now i know that i'll never stop doing this
cause our 3rd party software keeps on giving us fits
i did an RTFM
read K&R all day
it's "Error!" "Big Error!" "Nasty Error!" "FATAL ERROR!"
so instead i'll go and play

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
I Can't Parse This
(yeah)
Can't Parse This
(i told ya, wahoos,)
Can't Parse This
(too many symbols)
Can't Parse This
(yo, we're outa here)
Can't P-- bus error (core dumped)

(c) 1991 Radio Free Lerxstwood


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : C Hacker in Paradise
Original : Cheeseburger in Paradise
Group    : Jimmy Buffett
Author   : Ulrika Bornetun
Intro    : I'm being forced to write X/Motif programs in Ada, need I say more?
Song     :

	   Tried to amend my low-level habits
	   started learning Ada last fall
	   Writing tasks with conditional rendez-vous calls
	   Raising lots'a exceptions and handling them all
	   But at night I had these wonderful dreams
	   some kind of sensuous treat
	   Not of subtypes or generics or packages
	   but of function pointers and binary trees

	   ( I was a...)
	   C hacker in paradise
	   putting my flags in an integer slice
	   Using K&R to be more precise
	   I'm just a C hacker in paradise

	   Heard about some of our managers
	   they want to do everything with a tool
	   Classes you browse by clicking with the mouse
	   Well it reminds me of some stuff I saw in primary school!
	   But I am not so easy to break;
	   When I'm at work I keep fighting back
	   Not with methods, drag-and-drop or a Hypercard stack
	   But with that miracle language in which I hack!

	   C hacker in paradise
	   writing code that's already optimized
	   putting my flags in an integer slice
	   I'm just a C hacker in paradise

	   I write all my functions with recursion
	   using implicit pointer conversion
	   Back with a longjmp and then a goto
	   Oh, good God almighty which way should I go

	   to be a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   Making all operations bitwise
	   Writing right onto the raw device
	   Yes, I'm a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   I'll be a
	   C hacker in paradise
	   I'm just a
	   C hacker in paradise

	   I write all ...

	   C hacker in paradise ....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Chilled Water Waltz
Original : The Tennessee Waltz
Group    : ?
Author   : Amy Turner <tva!ltturne.office@mhs.attmail.com>
Intro    : My contribution was inspired a few years back by a Cray that was
	   cooled by chilled water.  Every other day, it seemed, the
	   chilled water system would die, leaving us with no computer
	   on which to compute.
	   The tune is "The Tennessee Waltz".
Song     :

	      THE CHILLED WATER WALTZ

I was workin' and computin' on a week's worth of data
When the system just happened to crash.
I was cussin' and complainin', and while I was waitin'
My data was turned into trash.

I remember that night, how I turned and I tossed
Thinkin' 'bout all that work I had lost.
Yes, I lost two weeks of slavin' while the Muzak was playin'
The beautiful chilled water waltz.

When I found there was no backup, then I tore out my hair
'Cause I just didn't know what to do.
I had printed all my output, but that didn't work either;
All my print jobs were stuck in the queue.

I remember the day I accepted this job
And was told of the system's great faults.
Hope I never have the pleasure of hearing even one more measure
Of the sickening chilled water waltz.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : COBOL Programmer's Swing
Original : Washington & Lee Swing
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    :
Song     :

		     COBOL Programmer's Swing

	      (to the tune of Washington & Lee Swing)
		 by Bill Laubenheimer ?? ** SFC **


     A COBOL program never turns out right
     Though you may labor far into the night
     And though you work until your dying day
     It never will be quite okay-ay-ay-ay-ay

     And when you think that all the bugs are gone
     The fact is you are likely very wrong
     And when you finally have it going straight (going
	 straight)
     It's .... too .... late!!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Code-a-lot
Original : Camelot
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    : ...on the occasion of converting from RSTS to UNIX.
Song     :


			    Code-a-lot

		     (to the tune of Camelot)
			  by Brad Needham


     I welcome you to UNIX Version seven
     The operating system we just bought.
     It's running on our PDP-11
     It's CODE-A-LOT

     To have small files is certainly no disgrace
     The users of them have not been forgot
     For allocators do not waste your disk space
     In CODE-A-LOT

     CODE-A-LOT! CODE-A-LOT!
     Its pure simplicity beguiles.
     E.g. in CODE-A-LOT (CODE-A-LOT!)
     Directories are files.

     The output of a simple 'list directory'
     Is input for the program down the line
     You easily have got
     Exactly what you sought
     Through one brief line of input
     Using tools of CODE-A-LOT.

     CODE-A-LOT! CODE-A-LOT!
     No program-keys to cut and paste
     For in CODE-A-LOT (CODE-A-LOT!)
     You build commands to suit your taste.

     Your objects never lag behind your source code
     Upon request, new versions must appear.
     In short, there's simple not
     A more convenient spot
     For happy-every-aftering
     Than here in CODE-A-LOT!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Comp Sci Serenade
Original : My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Terry Bollinger & The Watt Five
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Comp Sci Serenade

		(to My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)
		by Terry Bollinger & The Watt Five


     My program lies under the backlog,
     My card deck's all over the floor,
     The plotter is using a crayon,
     And I just can't take any more.

     Chorus:
	   Bring out, bring out,
	   Oh, bring out my printout today, today!
	   Bring out, bring out,
	   The one you ripped off yesterday.

     The card reader chewed up my job card,
     And someone erased all my files,
     The system has been down for hours,
     While people collapse in the aisles.

     Chorus:
	   Flunk out, flunk out,
	   I worked like a dog each and every day!
	   Flunk out, flunk out,
	   Twelve projects were due yesterday!

     Security holes I've discovered,
     The records of grades are now mine.
     What once was a one point five average,
     Is now a three point nine nine!

     Chorus:
	   Send out, send out,
	   Oh, send out those grades to big companies!
	   Send out, send out,
	   They'll all want a scholar like me!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Computerbury Tales
Original : The Canterbury Tales
Group    : Geoffrey Chaucer
Author   : Anthony Berno
Intro    : I was recently given an architecture assignment that
	   required me to write a paper describing the design features of the
	   Alpha. With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer, I would like to share
	   with you the text of what I'm handing in tomorrow:
Song     :


The Computerbury Tales
by Anthony Berno


General Prologue

When the Vaxen with their markets pooped,
The swarms of RISC hath made their beauty moot,
And bathed every system in such high power,
Which engendered the Architect's ardor;

When journals with their reviewers' teeth,
Inspired fear in DEC's elite,
The young Radicals, and there are some,
Hath RISC in hand, and had some fun.

But the Managers made as if to flee,
Forsaking the new technology,
As if the Vaxen were entrenched,
So no such clever chip,
Could save the company.

It happened, an assignment on a day,
In Usenet, at comp.arch as I lay,
Ready to begin another flame,
On architecture, my knowledge lame,
An email happened to arrive; Creativity, it was said,
Does not substitute for the thread
Of clarity and knowledge.

"But amuse me if you must",
The Professor said; I trust,
This tale is appropriate and informed,
So as to raise the level of the norm,
And educate, if not to please.

I think it of good reason,
To tell you of the condition
Of architecture, in nineteen-ninety-three,
How RISC cheered, "I've won, I've won!"
As CISC goes to the garbage bin,
So it is with Alpha I begin.



The Alpha's Tale

All round the Alpha gathered we,
No tale of woe or misery
Would taint this young'ns tale,
Not one year old, he hails
from DEC, yet can outrun
Every other solution,
And so begins his story.

"The Architects, of my homeland DEC,
Were mired, entrapped in dreck,
Of VAX compatibility.
They assumed the liability
Of a new chip, a bold approach,
But to be beyond reproach,
They needed to port old VMS,
(an OS in extreme duress)
Cleanly and with no compromise.

A binary translator, they soon found,
Was technologically sound,
Since microcode was no longer nice,
They took the industry's good advice,
and looked ahead to see what they would need.

'Two hundred MHz', they did accede,
'And three orders of magnitude
Improvement in its fortitude
Over a quarter century
Would be more than plenty
To ensure a market lead.'

Spartan was my birth indeed,
No lot of warts and stuff,
Only what was just enough
For scalability and speed.
No arithmetic traps in hardware, please,
Software does it just as well,
And does not cause the alarum bell
To ring, unless you so assign.


Like the other RISC designs,
Operations are quite short and small,
Load/Store, Branch and ALU, that's all,
But for the clever PAL,
With primitives, they do tell,
Not quite like microcode, they are routines
Privileged for that software queen,
The operating system. Changed they can be,
To benefit systems not yet conceived,
Or languages that will leave you peeved,
Without bias; all are welcome here.

Sixty four bits allays the fear,
Of addresses which exhaust the clout
Of processors, at about
Six tenths of a bit a year; this chip,
Would never cast a doubt, a blip
Of falling to the evil ways
Of segmentation, or other forays
Into doom, like Precision Architecture did.

Multiple instruction launch, a bid
For tenfold bettering, in time,
Of execution of a program, mine
To have with better compilers,
And a scaled up design. Aside from that,
A faster clock would give another
Improvement in speed, but another
Factor of ten would be desired.

Parallel machines are all the rage, but mired,
In difficult synchronization grief,
Yet that extra speed, it is their belief,
Comes from more of us, it seems,
So the Architects, inspired by some dream,
Gave me a unique interlocking scheme,
That works with the fastest caches,
(Though this subject is one which clashes
With the well-being of my poor brain.)


Though many things were retained
From RISC, many had to be discarded;
Branch delays leave chips a bit retarded,
And compromise scalability. Predictive logic,
with compiled-in hints as to the target,
Are the future. Hints indeed are well suggested,
And exist for memory, as it's ingested
By a running process. Address mapping, in the virtual sense,
Is also hinted, although this makes sense,
Only to a wizard, I fear.
(Certainly, there are none here!)

Finally, I must confess,
I was made originally to impress
The scientists with their Vaxen,
So I needed some attraction
To these folks with reams of data.
I was thus endowed with formats four
for floating point; the original VAX, and more,
IEEE is there, and my routines
For integer conversion, I wene,
Should enjoy their approval.

But, (he said with dismal voice)
Hackers may no longer have a choice
About using compilers. Assembled code will run,
but writing it will not be fun, and it will lack finesse.
Compiler writers, on the other hand,
Will be very much in demand,
To make the humblest code run faster.
Indeed, it will be a master
Who can write compilers for my interface -
if single instructions are hard to trace,
Try two, or five, or ten at once.

For speed, my modest design fronts
Multiple instructions, you see,
Since much of my design is free
To work when other parts are taken.
Scalability is what brings home the bacon."

HIs tale all done, smitten were we,
With such insightful technology,
Like a fine Bordeaux, he could
Be drunken today, but would
Be better in a few years time.

This young Alpha, first in line
Of a family of amazing power,
Fearsome indeed, we could but lower
Our eyes, for no barbing jest
Or tale that could best
The Alpha's story came into our minds.

"Worry not", said he, "That was but the Marketer's line,
And money talks; just wait and see
If the Architect's delivery
Lives up to the marketing hype."

The Alpha was correct; his life
Depended on inventions which,
Although likely, still had yet to be.
Yet though he made that warning,
Tomorrow brought a morning,
One bit closer to the day,
When our users would be forced to say
That we'd run out of steam.

Humbled were we by Alpha's dream,
With shaky steps we continued on,
Our journey seeming ever long,
Unto our fate: Anon.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Computerized Girl
Original : Material Girl
Group    : Madonna
Author   : Ulrika Bornetun
Intro    : I wrote this song for my boyfriend a while ago, and sorry guys, he
	    IS an awesome Motif hacker.
Song     :

	   Some  boys kiss me, some boys hug me
	   I think they're OK
	   If they can't help me with my callbacks
	   I just walk away.

	   They can beg and they can plead
	   but they can't see the light
	   Cause the boy who knows Motif
	   is always Mister Right.

	   Cause we are living in a computerized world
	   and I am a computerized girl
	   You know that we are living in a computerized world
	   and I am a computerized girl.

	   Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
	   That's all right with me
	   If they can't raise my windows then I
	   have to let them be

	   Some boys try and some boys lie but
	   I don't let them play
	   Only boys that know their X calls
	   make my buggy day

	   Cause we are living ...

	   Boys may come and boys may go
	   and that's all right you see
	   Experience had taught me X
	   and now they're after me.

	   Cause you know that we are living ....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Computer Man
Original : Piano Man
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : ?Bruce Gaya
Intro    :
Song     :

Computer Man


It's 10 AM on a Wednesday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man up at the blackboard
Getting off on programs that ``win''

He says ``Son, you will build an automata
I'm not really sure how it goes
But its cycles are neat
And I knew it complete
When I wore an undergrad's clothes''

(Chorus)
Write me some code, you're a computer man
Write me some code tonight
I expect you'll be thinking of suicide
If your program's not running tonight.

Now John the TA is a friend of mine
And he gets  CPU's for free
Now he's quick with his hacks
That will prop up the Vax
But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He said ``Bill, I believe this is killing me!''
As the smile ran away from his face
``Yes I'm sure that I could get my Ph.D
If I could get out of this place.''

Now Bruce is a permanent student
Who has programmed most of his life
And he's talking to Davy
Who's still at Carnegie
And probably will be for life

And the faculty's  practicing politics
As their graduates slowly grow old
They say ``Think of the thrill and accomplishment
That writing a paper will hold''

(Repeat Chorus)

I've done a pretty good job on my Master's
And my advisor gives me a smile
`cause when guys like me
will do research for free
His job is secure for a while

And recruiters, they call on the telephone
and they offer me plant trips and beer
They look me in the eye
Then say with a sigh
``MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!''

(Repeat Chorus)

	*** the names used above are taken from Joel's
	    original lyrics and do not denote real people.

	--- Adapted by Bruce Gaya ;
	    a recent MSEE from Carnegie-Mellon University
	    Mail and Post at will.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Computer Nevermore
Original : The Raven
Group    : Edgar Allan Poe
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

With my fingers pale and trembling,
SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
ROh no--my data base,S I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And thatUs the tale I have to tell
Your choice:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Control-C Song
Original : Don't Fence Me In
Group    : ?
Author   :  PMW, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Control-C Song


		(to the tune of Don't Fence Me In)
		     by PMW, from DEC archives


     If you log on the -10 'cause you want to run some
	 code...

	HIT CONTROL-C

     If the system is slow 'cause its got a great big load...

	HIT CONTROL-C

     If your code isn't givin' you the right reaction,
     You're stuck in a loop, you ain't gettin' no action,
     One thing you can do to get some satisfaction...

	HIT CONTROL-C


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Core dumped blues
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : (from Fortune file on IBM RISC 6000)
Song     :


Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got no Mail
	And I can't recall the last time my Program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got array in my queues,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that's nice that you get what you C,
	Then go : illogical statment with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
	I've got the : Segmentation violatien -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tape would freeze,
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CPU Delight
Original : Afternoon Delight
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :
			    CPU Delight

		      (to Afternoon Delight)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     Started out one morning with a hopeful heart.
     Sitting down at a terminal all ready to start.
     My fingers stretching out to hit the terminal keys,
     Just waiting for the sign that says "login please."

     Chorus:
	      Words, nybbles, and bytes,
	      CPU delights,
	      CPU delights,
	      CPU delights.

     Came back later on to run "space-point-bas"
     Hoping that the system wouldn't want to crash.
     Found dinner time had passed before I was through,
     My program taking minutes in the CPU.

     (Chorus)

     Be running UNIX when I'm logging on.
     We'll be running "RIVER" 'til the night is gone.

     Sunrise's time to run the program called "account,"
     Finding out I've overspent it by a huge amount.
     But to get the program running is my one delight.
     So, I'm sitting here typing 'til the morning light.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Crasher's Song
Original : Teddy Bears' Picnic
Group    : ?
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Crasher's Song


	       (to the tune of Teddy Bears' Picnic)
			 from DEC archives



     If you log on to the -10 today...
	you're sure of a big suprise.
     The monitor runs on the -10 today,
	with nary a lone demise.

     There's not a bug, a halt, or a pause,
	a hang, a crash, or reload because...
     Today's the day the programmers keep their hands off.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRASH! goes the System
Original : POP goes the weasel
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :  Here's one my father wrote some years ago.  It used to hang
	     on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space
	     Flight Center (NASA).
Song     :

		CRASH! goes the System

	Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk
	No use to hope you missed them
	That's the way computing goes--
	CRASH! goes the system.

	Go exchange the circuit boards
	Try and use your wisdom
	No way will you catch that bug--
	CRASH! goes the system.

	Our pride and joy has features galore
	It takes a day to list them
	And none of them can be used any more--
	CRASH! goes the system.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Crash of the Ten and Eleven
Original : The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
Group    : ?
Author   : Abe Friedman & Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

		  The Crash of the Ten and Eleven


	      (to The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)
	     by Abe Friedman & Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     The memories live on from the Tower on down
     Of the time Jonny Day did endeavor
     To save the accounts that were scrambled or lost
     In the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

     Does anyone know where the users can go
     When the systems are hopelessly tangled,
     When the tapes and the disks are in snarls and twists
     And the files are shredded and mangled?

     The DEC men one day came down Baltimore way
     On a routine maintenance mission.
     And when they were through everybody would rue
     The computer's down-hearted condition.

     Pity ECAS when the entire class
     Found only one block in the core.
     When anyone logged in the whole system fell in
     'Cause the Ten couldn't take any more.

     Strange the commands of the SF crazed fans
     When they came down to print out their songbook.
     The Eleven got worse with each new obscene verse
     Which brought many foul curses and long looks.

     With terrible smiles they created new files
     'Til the Eleven, it just couldn't take it.
     Though Vandelinde swore, it would process no more
     And not even Erol could make it.

     So now JHU had possession of two
     Computers that sat there and quivered.
     And so Garland called over to Barton Hall
     "From this fate we must all be delivered."

     And there Jonny Day could find nothing to say
     As his eyes gazed upward to Heaven.
     He silently prayed to be whisked far away
     From the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

     But brave Jonny Day knew there was much work to do
     And he knew that he'd better get to it,
     For the faculty had said they would have Jonny's head
     If by lunchtime he hadn't got through it.

     So taking a look in his maintenance book
     And turning to page forty-seven
     In the hope it would tell of the magical spell
     That would cure the Ten and Eleven,

     He read of the way he could rescue the Day
     And calm the neurotic computers.
     The way to the core was a game of seawar
     With the ships all manned by superusers.

     Oh, the game that they had in the Undergrad Lab
     Is a take that's worthy of singing,
     For the echoing sound of each ship going down
     Was the bells in their Tower a-ringing.

     And so the DEC Ten, it was working again
     And, too by the graces of Heaven,
     Were the tapes and the disks that had been sorely missed
     On the E.E. Department's Eleven.

     The legend lived on from the Tower on down
     Of Jon Day and the way he endeavored
     To save the accounts that were scrambled or lost
     In the Crash of the Ten and Eleven.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRAY-S's coolant
Original : Octopusse's Garden
Group    : Beatles
Author   : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett)
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

		I'd like to be
		under the sea,
		in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade

		This freon gas
		will freeze my ass,
		in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Cycles For Nothing
Original : Money For Nothing
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Matt Crawford <matt@oddjob.uchicago.edu>
Intro    :
Song     :

		Cycles For Nothing

(i want my
 i want my
 i want my X-MP!)

Now look at them yo-yo's that's
	the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin' that's the way
	you do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
Now that ain't hackin' that's the way
	you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark
	system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

See the kid professor with the blue
	jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel
	prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked
	up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line
And in there, what's that?
	A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some
	chimpanzees
That ain't hackin' that's the way you
	do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run


		by Matt Crawford


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Dasi, Dasi
Original : A Bicycle Built For Two
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman
Intro    :
Song     :

			    Dasi, Dasi

		   (to A Bicycle Built For Two)
	     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller & Abe Friedman


     Dasi, Dasi, give me my output, do.
     I'm half crazy waiting for you to get through.
     I don't understand why it's taking
     So long for the process I'm making.
     I don't ask much,
     But it is such
     A bore sitting waiting for you.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Data-comm Song
Original : Home on the Range)
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

			The Data-comm Song


		(to the tune of Home on the Range)
			 from DEC archives


     Oh give me a line which stays up all the time
      and a modem which won't drop a bit
     And nodes, by the peck, which all run up to spec.
      And a telephone linemans' tool kit

	      Dee, dee, see em pee
	 (DDCMP)
	       Pee dee pee 10, see pee you
	 (PDP-10, CPU)
	      En ess pee, are jay E
	 (NSP, RJE)
	       En see el, see are see
	 (NCL, CRC)
	      E eye aye, are ess too 30 too
	 (EIA, RS-232)

     We've now got a net, without any sweat
      With routing and route-through to boot
     And, quick as a wink, we've avoided Bisync
      And distributed we can compute

	      See, see, eye tee tea
	 (CCITT)
	       Ess dee el see, bee ess see
	 (SLDC, BSC)
	      Ess why en, dee el E
	 (SYN, DLE)
	       Ess oh H, E tea bee
	 (SOH, ETB)
	      Ess tee eks, for . too kay H zee
	 (ETX, 4.2kHz)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Day Bell System Died
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Lauren Weinstein <vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM>
Intro    : Greetings.  With the massive changes now taking place in the
	    telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with
	    seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding
	    the various effects now beginning to take place.  However, one
	    important element has been missing: a song!  Since the great
	    Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now
	    attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious
	    look at a possible future of telecommunications.  This work is
	    entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be
	    interpreted in a non-satirical manner.  The song should be sung
	    to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie".
	    I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"...
Song     :
		   *==================================*
		   * Notice: This is a satirical work *
		   *==================================*

	                "The Day Bell System Died"

	       Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein
		                                           	
     	             (To the tune of "American Pie")
		     (With apologies to Don McLean)

  ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM
  UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren


Long, long, time ago,
I can still remember,
When the local calls were "free".
And I knew if I paid my bill,
And never wished them any ill,
That the phone company would let me be...

But Uncle Sam said he knew better,
Split 'em up, for all and ever!
We'll foster competition:
It's good capital-ism!

I can't remember if I cried,
When my phone bill first tripled in size.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Is your office Step by Step,
Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet?
Everybody used to ask...
Oh, is TSPS coming soon?
IDDD will be a boon!
And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon...

The color phones are really neat,
And direct dialing can't be beat!
My area code is "low":
The prestige way to go!

Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime!
Well, I suppose it's about time.
I remember how the payphones chimed,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Back then we were all at one rate,
Phone installs didn't cause debate,
About who'd put which wire where...
Installers came right out to you,
No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo,
And 411 was free, seemed very fair!

But FCC wanted it seems,
To let others skim long-distance creams,
No matter 'bout the locals,
They're mostly all just yokels!

And so one day it came to pass,
That the great Bell System did collapse,
In rubble now, we all do mass,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

I drove on out to Murray Hill,
To see Bell Labs, some time to kill,
But the sign there said the Labs were gone.
I went back to my old CO,
Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago,
But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn...

No relays pulsed,
No data crooned,
No MF tones did play their tunes,
There wasn't a word spoken,
All carrier paths were broken...

And so that's how it all occurred,
Microwave horns just nests for birds,
Everything became so absurd,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

We were singing:

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Day SunOS Died
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : N. R. Norm Lunde <norm@ctr.columbia.edu>
Intro    : I made up the following bit of filk during a Computability class.
	   Hope you like it.
Song     :


The Day SunOS Died
===================
Lyrics by N. R. "Norm" Lunde.
Apologies to Don McLean.

Remember when those guys out West
With their longish hair and paisley vests
Were starting up, straight out of UCB?
They used those Motorola chips
Which at the time were really hip
And looked upon the world through VME.
Their first attempt ran like a pig
But it was the start of something big;
They called the next one the Sun-2
And though they only sold a few
It soon gave birth unto the new
Sun-3 which was their pride
And now they're singing

	"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
	 ATT System V has replaced BSD.
	 You can cling to the standards of the industry
	 But only if you pay the right fee --
	 Only if you pay the right fee . . ."

The hardware wasn't all they sold.
Their Berkeley port was solid gold
And interfaced with System V, no less!
They implemented all the stuff
That Berkeley thought would be enough
Then added RPC and NFS.
It was a lot of code to cram
Into just four megs of RAM.
The later revs were really cool
With added values like SunTools
But then they took us all for fools
By peddling Solaris . . .
And they were singing,
	<chorus>

They took a RISC and kindled SPARC.
The difference was like light and dark.
The Sun-4s were the fastest and the best.
The user base was having fun
Installing SunOS 4.1
But what was coming no one could have guessed.
The installed base was sound
And software did abound.
While all the hackers laughed and played
Already plans were being made
To make the dubious "upgrade"
To Sun's new Solaris . . .
And Sun was singing,
	<chorus>

The cartridge tapes were first to go --
The CD-ROM's a must, you know
And floppy drives will soon go out the door.
I tried to call and ask them why
But they took away my TTY
And left my modem lying on the floor.
While they were on a roll
They moved the damned Control.
The Ethernet's now twisted pair
Which no one uses anywhere.
ISDN is still more rare --
The bandwidth's even less!
But still they're singing
	<chorus>

But worst of all is what they've done
To software that we used to run
Like dbx and even /bin/cc.
Compilers now have license locks
Wrapped up in OpenWindows crocks --
We even have to pay for GCC!
The applications broke;
/usr/local went up in smoke.
The features we've depended on
Before too long will all be gone
But Sun, I'm sure, will carry on
By peddling Solaris,
Forever singing,
	<chorus>


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The DEC Man cometh
Original : The Gas Man cometh
Group    : Michael Flounders and Donald Swan
Author   : Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info     : Ever have one of those days...
Song     :

Twas on the Monday morning the DEC man came to call
The VAX wouldn't boot -- we weren't getting VAX at all
He tore out all the cables winding around the VAX
And we had to call the hardware guys in to put them back again.

<Chorus> Oh it all makes work for the working man to do

Twas on the Tuesday morning their technician came 'round
He soldered and he tested and said "Look what I've found"
"Your ROMs are all the old versions, but I'll put them all to right"
Then he shorted out a cable, and out down all the Suns

<Chorus>

Was on a Wednesay morning the Sun technican came
He called me Mr Sanderson which isn't quite me name
He couldn't fix the server without our CD drive
And as root on the SG he typed 'unlink /', so we called SGI in

<Chorus>

Was on the Thursday morning the SGI rep came along
With his mini-root tapes and his manuals and his merry SGI song
He reinstalled the system -- it took no time at all
But we had to get the Next people in to come and fix the NFS

<Chorus>

Was on a Friday morning the Next man made a start
With mounts and exports he crossmounted every disk
Every machine and every directory, but I found when he was gone
He changed some IP addresses, and our VAX had gone!

<Chorus>

On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all
So was on the Monday morning that the VAX man came to call...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DECman
Original : The Gas Man Cometh
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Author   : Tony Duell
Intro    : This is dedicated to all those who called out DEC field service
	    for a simple problem, and wished you hadn't..........
Song     :


It was on a Monday morning
The DEC man came to call,
My system wouldn't boot
There was no prompt at all
He pulled out all my SPC's
To try a new backplane
And I had to get the hardware guys
to put them back again
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Tuesday morning
The hardware man came round
He soldered and he fiddled
And he said 'Look what I've found'
'Your ECOs are years behind'
'But I'll put it all to rights'
Then he shorted out the power supply
and out went all the lights
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Wednesday morning
The power supply came
'It's newer and it's better'
'But it works just the same'
He could not fit the unit
without stripping half the rack
then he dropped my boot HDA
so He called Peripherals back
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Thursday morning
The HDA came along
with a blocklist and a cable
and a list of what goes wrong
He put it into my drive
It took no time at all
But I had to get the software guys
to come and re-install
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do

It was on a Friday morning
That Software made a start
With BACKUP and SYSGEN
He configured every part
Every track and every sector
But I found when he was gone
He had overwritten the boot track
and I couldn't turn it on

  On saturday and Sunday They do no work at all
  So It was on a Monday morning that the DEC man came to call


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Destruction
Original : As The Caissons Go Rolling Along
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			    Destruction

	 (to the tune of As The Caissons Go Rolling Along)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller



     Scratch the disks, dump the core,
     Roll the tapes across the floor,
     And the system is going to crash.
     Teletypes, smashed to bits,
     Give the scopes some nasty hits,
     And the system is going to crash.
     And we've also found
     When you turn the power down,
     You turn all the disk drives into trash!
     Oh, its so much fun,
     Now the CPU won't run,
     And the system is going to crash.

     Shut it down, pull the plug,
     Give the core an extra tug,
     And the system is going to crash.
     Mem'ry cards, one and all,
     Toss them halfway down the hall,
     And the system is going to crash.
     We'll just flip one switch,
     And the lights will cease to twitch,
     And the tapedrives will crumble in a flash.
     When the C-P-U
     Can print nothing out but '...foo...',
     Then the system is going to crash.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Devil Went Down to Crawford
Original : The Devil Went Down to Georgia
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson, J. Doll, S. Fraim (with a little help from T. Recko)
Intro    :
Song     :

		  The Devil Went Down to Crawford

	  (to the tune of The Devil Went Down to Georgia)
		  by J. Benson, J. Doll, S. Fraim
		(with a little help from T. Recko)


     The Devil went down to Crawford 'cause he was lookin'
	 for an IMP to steal.
     So he searched the hall for a protocol, and he was
	 willin' to make a deal.
     When he came across a chairman writin' an exam and
	 writin' it rough
     Then the Devil jumped up on an ADDS 200 and said, "Boy,
	 you think you know your stuff."

     "I'll bet you didn't know it, but I'm a full professor
	 too,
     And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with
	 you.
     You've designed some pretty good networks, boy, but give
	 the devil his due:
     I'll bet a window of gold against your soul I can
	 transmit better than you!"

     The man said, "My name is Chuckie, and it might be a sin
     But I'll draw your net, you're gonna regret, 'cause I'm
	 the best there's ever been."

	      Chuckie sharpen up your pencil and define your
	 routing scheme
	      'Cause hell's broke loose in Crawford and the
	 devil's feelin' mean.
	      Now if you win you'll get this sender's window
	 made of gold,
	      But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

     The Devil drew a topology with style and perfect poise,
     And frames flew into buffers as he calculated noise.
     As his datagrams arrived with ease, he cooly stopped and
	 stared --
     Well, his Petri net was mighty fine, but Chuckie wasn't
	 scared.

	      (insert messy petri net here for instrumental)

     When the Devil finished, Chuckie said, "Well, your
	 subnet's fast, I agree.
     But just sit right there and let me show you N.mPc!"

     Chorus:
	      Packets on the network, run bits run
	      Acks on the line until transmission's done
	      Try to make your channel error-free;
	      Check your message out with a CRC.

     The Devil saw that baud rate and he knew that he'd been
	 beat,
     And he laid that golden window on the ground at
	 Chuckie's feet.
     Chuckie said, "That's worth a C, so you might want to
	 try again,
     'Cause I told you before, you undergrad, don't design
	 with a ball-point pen!"

     (Chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Disks of UNIX
Original : Sound of Silence
Group    : Simon and Garfunkel
Author   : ? Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


			   The Disks of UNIX
			   =================
	   Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
		Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
			 by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello comix my old friend.
I've come to program you again.
because a student softly creeping,
guessed my password while I was sleeping.
And the programs
with just remnants in my brain,
don't remain,
upon the disks... of UNIX.

In flick'ring lights I type along.
Load my program, what was wrong?
Letters haloed by my squinting,
at the program that I was lint-ing.
For my eyes were blurred
by the flash of the cathode beam,
term'nal screen,
and all the C... on UNIX.

And in the fuzzy light I saw
10,000 hackers, maybe more:
Hackers staring without blinking,
hackers typing without thinking.
Hackers writing code
that programs never shared.
(No one dared,
disturb the disks... of UNIX.)

"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
Kludges make the d.u. grow.
Comment functions that I might read them.
Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
But my words
like unread printout fell,
(Oh well...)
An echo,
On the disks... of UNIX.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Call From Home
Original : The Man's Too Strong
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


			  Don't Call From Home
			  ====================
		  by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
	       Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
			    by Dire Straits

	     I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
	     And in the days I used to play
	     And I've called the tune
	     To many a system's ruin.
	     Now they say I am a real criminal
	     And I'm hiding away.
	     Just one more terminal session.

	     I have simplified robbery
	     With my PCs.
	     I have called in the money
	     And it's now overseas.
	     I have re-written bank accounts
	     With thousands on my books;
	     Made up identities
	     Without changing my looks.

	     And I can still hear the touch-tones
	     And the clicks on the phone.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.

	     Well I've cracked IBM
	     And I've cracked NSA
	     And I've cracked every network
	     In the whole USA.
	     I have called out on Sprint
	     And from any payphone;
	     Billed to people
	     I never have known.

	     And I can still hear the touch-tones
	     And the clicks on the phone.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.

	     Well the sun comes in my office
	     And they all did hear him say
	     "You're really too much for us,
	     You're worth more than we can pay.
	     You may still hear from Burroughs
	     But I ask you now today:
	     Won't you please work with us
	     At the good old CIA?"
	     Now I run all surveillance
	     From LA to Kremlin's dome.
	     Don't call too long.
	     Don't call from home.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DP Man
Original : Piano Man
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Greg Gerke
Intro    : A revision of an old favorite ...
Song     :


			   DP Man
	  (sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

   It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
   The programming crowd staggers in,
   There's a user by my terminal,
   With drool running off of his chin.
   He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
   I'm not really sure what I want,
   But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
   And it has to be finished by lunch."

     Chorus:

     They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
     Write us some code today,
     'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
     And he wants it by yesterday."

   Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
   He bumps up my priority,
   And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
   But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
   He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
   As the smile ran away from his face,
   "But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
   If I could get out of this place."

   Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
   Whose license is riding on luck,
   And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
   With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
   Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
   And my team leader gives me a smirk,
   'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
   When they find out that it didn't work.

   And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
   And the CRT screams like a jet,
   And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
   And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
   And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
   As the patches and kludges pile up,
   'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
   It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Have a Conniption
Original : Walk Like an Egyptian
Group    : Bangles
Author   : Brent C.J. Britton
Intro    :
Song     :

			Don't Have a Conniption
			=======================
			 by Brent C.J. Britton
	      Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
			     by the Bangles

	    All the system ops in this place,
	    They monitor me, just for fun.
	    If I logon here,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    They force me off 'fore my profile runs.

	    'Cause I have a reputation
	    For doing things which I shouldn't be,
	    Like running CHATS,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    And bootlegging Lotus-123.

	    So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."

	    Found how to change all my privs;
	    I didn't know that I broke a rule.
	    I forced the op,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.

	    All the sys ops, so sick of me,
	    They don't let my databases run.
	    I broke CP,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    They had a big fat connip-tion.

	    When they NOLOG my account, I say
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."

	    They've hated me since I stored
	    Inside the real PSW.
	    We crashed hard you know,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    I guess I forgot a bit or two.

	    If you want to find software cops,
	    They're hanging out in the software shops.
	    They kick your pants,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.

	    I ran my Turing Machine;
	    Another one was assembl'in.
	    And it crunched all night,
	    (ohwayoh)
	    The system op had connip'tions.

	    To software cops in the software shops, I say
	    (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
	    "Don't have a conniption..."
	    "Don't have a conniption."


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Emacs Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group    : The Who
Author   : ?
Intro    : Complete with formatting and all :-)
Song     :

\documentstyle[twocolumn,12pt]{article}

\begin{document}

\begin{verse}


Ever since I was a young boy\\
I've played with each O.S.\\
From Unix down to Kronos \\
I've crashed them I confess\\
But I ain't seen nothing like him\\
Not even in VMS\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He sits there never blinking\\
Becomes part of the machine\\
Controls with either pinkie\\
A virtual typing stream\\
He optimizes keystrokes\\
Swamps your Microvax\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He's an Emacs wizard \\
Without a binding list\\
An Emacs wizard \\
s' got such a calloused wrist.

How do you think he does it? I don't know!\\
What makes him so good?
\newpage

He ain't got no distractions\\
He refuses warning bells\\
He heeds no cursor flashing\\
Plays by sense of smell\\
He never needs to undo\\
Knows all of Stallman's hacks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

I thought I was \\
The keyboard-macro  kid\\
But I just handed\\
My Emacs crown to him.

Even my usual bindings\\
He prefixed all my best\\
His disciples feed him Coke\\
And he just does the rest\\
He's got super-meta-fingers\\
Never hits the cracks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

\end{verse}
\end{document}


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : EVER ONWARD, IBM
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : The song is *old*.  I haven't any idea when it came out,
	   but it has a flavor of the '30s at the latest.  (And how
	   many other a.f.c. readers find that the words make one
	   think of the silliness of a Mary Kay Cosmetics pep rally?)
	   I had a copy of the music sheet many years ago; it's
	   probably buried in one of my files marked "humor" from
	   several moves back.  For today's posting I copied the text
	   from the SHARE songbook, where it appears with such favorites as:

	     Should old Chuck Forney be forgot (and HASP songs sung no more)?
	     Real Good Throughput, Here I Come
	     If I Had a HASP (I'd be SPOOLin' in the morning)
	     JES 2, Joy of Man's Desiring

	   and, of course, that old standby:

	     HASPy Days are Here Again

	   Joe Morris <jcmorris@mwunix.mitre.org>
Song     :

		EVER ONWARD, IBM

  There's a thrill in store for all
  For we're about to toast
  The corporation that we represent.
  We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
  Of that man of men, our sterling president
  The name of T. J. Watson means a courage none can stem
  And we feel honored to be here to toast the I-B-M

  Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
  That's the spirit that has brought us fame.
  We're big but bigger we will be.
  We can't fail for all can see, that serve humanity
  Has been our aim.
  Our products now are known in every zone.
  Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
  We've fought our way through
  And new fields we're sure to conquer, too.
  For the ever onward I-B-M!

  Ever onward! Ever Onward!
  We're bound for the top to never fall
  Fight here and now we thankfully
  Pledge sincerest loyalty
  To the corporation that's the bets of all.
  Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
  Let's show the world just what we think of them!
  So let us sing men -- sing men
  Once or twice, then sing again
  For the ever onward I-B-M!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Every Cycle is Sacred
Original : Every Sperm is Sacred
Group    : Monty Python (Meaning of Life)
Author   : Tony Duell  <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro    :
Song     :


There are Suns in this world, there are Apples,
There are Sequents and Goulds and then,
There are those who clone I B M, BUT
I've never been one of them.

For I'm an 11/45
and have been since the day I was made
And the one thing they say about PDP's is
They'll run no matter what they said,
You don't have to be in a six-footer,
You don't have to have a 9-slot backplane
You don't have to have Memory Management,
You're booted the moment DCLO came, For

Every Cycle is Sacred,
Every Cycle is Great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC gets quite irate!

{Repeat}

Let the others waste them,
On floating-point multiply
DEC shall make them pay for
Each add able to be skipped by.

Every cycle is wanted
Every cycle is good
Every cycle is needed
In your neighbourhood

Intel, Sun and Zilog
Branch their's just anywhere
DEC loves those who write
Their Microcode with more care

Every cycle is useful
Every cycle is fine
DEC saves everybody's
Time and Time and Time.

Other systems waste theirs
while fetching o'er t'backplane
DEC shall strike them down for
each cycle thats run in vain

Every cycle is sacred,
Every cycle is great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC GETS QUITE IRATE!!!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Field Service Anthem
Original : Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Group    : ?
Author   : PMW & SG, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

		     The Field Service Anthem


	   (to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game)
		  by PMW & SG, from DEC archives


     Take me out to the main-frame,
      take me out to the disk.
     Give me my 'scope and my solder gun,
      I'll find out why this damn thing won't run.
     For it's test, test, test all those modules;
      until they burst out in flame.
     For it's one, two, three shorts you're out,
      in the old main-frame.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
Original : Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Group    : Paul Simon
Author   : Al Pena
Intro    :
Song     :

	      Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
	      ----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----

The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.

She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.

She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The First TOPS-10
Original : The First Noel
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

			 The First TOPS-10

			(to The First Noel)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     The first TOPS-10
     From Maynard, they say,
     Lasted twenty-three seconds
     And then went away.
     It went away so fast
     That it zeroed its core.
     And the series one monitor
     Was no more.

     TOPS-10, TOPS-10,
     TOPS-10, TOPS-10,
     Born is the rival of IBM.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Fork()ing on a Sun
Original : Seasons in the Sun
Group    : Terry Jacks
Author   : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett)
Intro    : Here's a little ditty I penned back in 1987 when I was first
	    getting to grips with IP (and killing the machine at the same time).
	    If you don't recognise the words well enough to get the tune, you
	    weren't born...  as for pronunciation, pronounce "vi" as "vye" -
	    that way, the song scans properly.  No flames, please...
	    The chorus is a wonderful thing to sing in pubs (bars) when you
	    and a group of hackers get together, because it is eminently recog-
	    nisable, but no-one outside your group will have the foggiest idea
	    what you're on about...
	    [fragment]
Song     :

		Goodbye my shell, it's hard to "vi",
		I cannot socket(), even though I try,
		Everything keeps going wrong...
		It needs a bind() to carry on,
		Proc' table's been full for too long.

	Chorus:
		We had Joy, We had fun,
		We were fork()ing on a Sun,
		but the joy is all gone,
		'til the processes are Done [1].


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : FORTRAN
Original : Pressure
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Thomas Koenig <ib09@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de>
Intro    : A little song about one of the joys of scientific computation
	    [second revision]
Song     :

	    FORTRAN

You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN

You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN

All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : FORTRAN Programs
Original : On, Wisconsin
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    :
Song     :

			 FORTRAN Programs

		  (to the tune of On, Wisconsin)
		 by Bill Laubenheimer ?? ** SFC **


     FORTRAN programs, FORTRAN programs
     Run through the machine!
     Count your errors, watch them mounting
     'Til you're turning green (rah! rah! rah!)

     FORTRAN programs, FORTRAN programs
     Never work okay
     Till you find out they were
     Due yes-ter-daaaay!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : FORTRAN Song
Original : Blue Skies
Group    : ?
Author   : PMW & SG, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

			   FORTRAN Song


		    (to the tune of Blue Skies)
		  by PMW & SG, from DEC archives


     FORTRAN smilin' at me, nothing but FORTRAN do I see.
     COBOL, take it away, nothin' but FORTRAN for me today.
     Never saw the bits flowin' so right,
	gettin' together, makin' a byte.
     Gettin' my answers, quick as a flash,
	system is hummin', never a crash...
     With FORTRAN, always bug free, don't need no listin' or
	 DDT.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : French Horn Concerto (for modem users)
Original : French Horn Concerto No 4 for French Horn by Motzart,
			based on the arrangment and lyrics by...
Group    : Micheal Flounders and Donald Swan
Author   : Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info     : The original starts:
		I once had a whim and I had to obey it
		To by a french horn in a second hand shop
		I polished it up and I started to play it
		Inspite of my neighbour who begged me to stop
	   The music was rearranged for a piano, so these
	   lyrics may not fit any orchestral version of the
	   "original".
Song     :

I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To by a modem from a second hand shop
I made up a cable and I started to use it
In spite of my girlfriend who begged me to stop

To use my modem, I had to change my sleeping habits
I found that I could only get on at night
So many boards abound -- to give you a world, a beatuiful world so rich and round
Oh the hours I had to spend before I got onto them it in the end

But that was yesterday and just to day I looked in the the usual place
There was the modem, but the cable itself was missing
Where can it have gone? Haven't you -- hasn't anyone seen my cable
Where can it have gone? What a blow, know I know I'm unable to read my net news

Who wipped that cable? I bet you a quid somebody did.
Knowing I had found a news group and wanted to read it
Afraid of my talents in talk.bizzare
For early today to my utter dismay it had vanished away to the ???? morn

I've lost that cable. I know I was using it yesterday
I've lost that cable, lost that cable, found that cable -- gorn
There's not much else to say -- I had better delay a report (?)

I know some party folk whose party jokes pretending to hunt with quart (?)
Gone away -- gone away -- was it one of them took it away?
Would you kindly return that serial cable -- where is the devil who pinched my cable?

I took it to the net.police -- I want that serial cable back
I miss my news more and more and more
With out that chat I'm feeling sad and so forlorn
Oh oh oh oh oh oh....

I found a board and wanted to play use it to display my talents in talk.bizzare
But early to day to my utter dismay it had totally vanished away

I thought up some stuff and I wanted to send it, but somebody took it away
I thought up some stuff and was longing to send it, but somebody took it away

My girlfriend is a sleep in her bed.
I will soon make her wish I was dead
I'll take up nethack instead
Whaaa, whaaa


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Friend of the System
Original : Friend of the Devil
Group    : Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
Author   : Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Friend of the System
			  ====================
		     By Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
	      Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg <BRAND@VTCS1>
	       Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"
		    by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter

  I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.
  Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.

Chorus:
  Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;
  A friend of the System is a friend of mine.
  If I get done before daylight,
  I just might write some code tonight.

  Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off.
  Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!

(chorus)

  I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;
  It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!

(chorus)

  Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;
  The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.
  The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!
  She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.

  Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV.
  The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!

(chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Gateway To Heaven
Original : Stairway To Heaven
Group    : Led Zeppelin
Author   : EileenET Tronolone <et@sctc.af.mil>
Intro    : I just had to send it in, fellas. I'm sorry. I could not let all
	    that stuff go by and not send it in.
Song     :


Gateway To Heaven

There's a lady who knows
All the systems and nodes
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
She telnets there, she knows
All the ports have been closed
With a nerd she can get
Files she came for

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
There's an motd
But she wants to be sure
Cos she knows sometimes hosts have
Two domains
In a path by the NIC
There's a burdvax that pings
Sometimes all of our flames
are cross-posted

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
And it's processed by root
Unix Labs will reboot
NCR will then listen to reason
And a prompt will respawn
For those yet to logon
And the networks will echo much faster

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
If there's a lookup in your netstat
don't be .alarmed now
it's just a pinging from the link queen
Yes there are two routes you can type in
but in the long run
there's still time to change the net you're on
(I hope so!)

And as we find stuff to download
We ftp and we chmod
There was a sysadm we know
Who changed the server to her own
She had root privs and she used chown
She hacked out on the DDN
And if you tail her stdin
Then you will find what you had lost
And get it back with cpio
To be a hack and not to scroll...

And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Gateway To Net Ten
Original : Stairway To Heaven
Group    : Led Zeppelin
Author   : Mark Lottor <mkl@nisc.sri.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


GATEWAY TO NET TEN    -- Mark Lottor

[Original words and music by Jimmy Page and Robert Plant]

There's a hacker who's sure all that's coax is fast
and he's buying a gateway to net ten.
When he gets it he'll know if the ports are all closed
with a SYN he can get what he sent for.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
and he's buying a gateway to net ten.

There's an RFC on the wall but he wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a note on the page there's a warning that says
sometimes all of our code is broken.

Don't ya know, it makes me wonder.

There's an error I get when I send to the net
and my packets are lost and retransmitting.
In my logs I have seen loops of mail thru the machine,
and the screams of those who are hacking.

Oooh, it makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon if we all fix and tune
then the packets will reach their destinations.
And a new day will dawn for hosts that stay long
and the telnets will echo quite faster.

Ohhhhh, it makes me wonder.

If there's a bustle in your cisco, don't be alarmed now
it's just a quick ping for the NIC machine.
Yes there are two paths you can route by, but in the long haul
there's still time to change the protocol.
	
Yowwww, it makes me wonder.

Your host is loaded and it will slow in case you don't know,
the unix's are asking you to join them.
Dear hacker, do you see the overflow, and did you know
your gateway is still under development.

And as we wind out more coax, and gateways slower than our hosts,
There goes a message we all know, it updates routes and wants to show
how everything still turns quite slow.
And if you listen very hard, the bits will come to you at last.
When all are ones and ones are all, to be a rubout and not a null.

And he's buying a gateway to net ten...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Girls just wanna defun
Original : Girls just wanna have fun
Group    : Cindy Lauper
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


GIRLS JUST WANNA DEFUN*

I can't wake up, in the morning
Cause of what I've been doing for most of the night.
Teacher don't you know my program is done?
And girls just wanna defun.

The phone rings, in the middle of the night
Advisor screams, "Watcha gonna do with your life?"
Patrick**, how I relish double-oh-one***!
And girls just wanna defun.

They just wanna, just wanna, yeah
Girls just wanna defun.

Some people say
A beautiful girl can't tool all night like
The rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to welcome the sun.
And girls just wanna defun.

*Defun, the Lisp command to define a procedure
**Winston, ai professor, MIT
***6.001, Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : God Rest Ye CS Students
Original : God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Group    : ?
Author   : WPI in Mass, modified by Charles LaBrec and friends
Intro    :
Song     :

		      God Rest Ye CS Students


	   (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
		      *** author from SFC ***
		       from WPI in Mass,???
	      modified by Charles LaBrec and friends,


     God rest ye CS students now
	 Let nothing you dismay,
     The VAX is down and won't be up
	 Until the first of May
     The program that was due this morn
	 Won't be postponed they say.

     Chorus:
	      Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
	      Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!

     The bearings on the disk are gone,
	 And bits are dropping too,
     We've found a bug in C,
	 And Pascal can't tell false from true,
     And now we find that we can't get at
	 Berkeley's 4.2.

     (Chorus)

     And all you fans of matrix math
	 Who would use APL,
     You'd find out if the VAX were up,
	 It wouldn't work too well,
     And if you try, then it'll say
	 That you can go to . . . well . . .

     (Chorus)

     We've just received a call from DEC,
	 They'll send without delay
     A system they call RSuX
	 It takes nine hundred k,
     The staff committed suicide
	 We'll bury them today.

     (Chorus)

     And now more cheery news for you,
	 The network's also dead,
     You'll have to run your programs on
	 The IBM instead,
     The turnaround time's nineteen weeks
	 And only cards are read.

     (Chorus)

     And now we'd like to say to you
	 Before we go away,
     We hope the news we've brought to you
	 Won't ruin your whole day,
     You've got another program due
	 Tomorrow, by the way.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : God Rest Ye Merry Network Fans
Original : God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Group    : ?
Author   : Bob Bradley
Intro    :
Song     :

		  God Rest Ye Merry Network Fans


	   (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
		 by Bob Bradley, from DEC archives



     God rest ye merry network fans
	 Let nothing you dismay
     They just announced DECnet Phase III
	 It takes up 80 K!
     It Routes, and Hops and Multidrops
	 Your packets on their way.

     Refrain:
	      Oh, bad tidings! congestion and line cost!
		 Packets can be lost!!
	      Oh, glad tidings, we'll dump it all on HOSS!

     It started out with old Phase I
	 But no one gave a hoot!
     We added stuff; It's called Phase II
	 But yet it could not route.
     Phase III came out; it does it all
	 It takes two 10's to boot!

     Refrain:
	      Oh bad tidings! congestion and line cost!
		 Packets can be lost!!
	      Oh, glad tidings, we'll dump it all on HOSS!

     Their names' the same, you know them all
	 There' NICE, NETACP.
     There's new ones too, like RMT
	 File Spooler, EVP.
     They've all grown up, they're twice their size
	 Have fun installing these!!

     Refrain:
	      Oh, NO! NETGEN can really be a chore!
		 Running out of core!
	      Oh, Oh! Routing, it really gives you more.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : HACKADU
Original : Xanadu
Group    : Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Author   : Stuart McLure Cracraft
Intro    :
Song     :


	HACKADU

In Hackadu did Hackers Few
  An awesome program-hack command:
Where 20, the sacred system, grew
Through monitors nobody knew
  Down during the great demand.
Always twice two months to newer release
With TTY's and EMACS to bring the peace:
And here was software smothered by edit-line effects,
Where many a bureaucrat sauntered across the land,
And where MSG/TELNET/FTP were ancient as TENEX,
Constricting winning spots into the bland.

But oh! those abiding Hackers Few were cunning
And lept the heights of unimaginable lossage!
A savage place; as daemonical and sinning
as e'er which plastered a screen with "%DECSYSTEM-20 Not Winning"
B'fore users exchausted from the barfage!
And from this chaos, with irresistable force,
As if this thing were itself the Source,
A mighty idea came glistening to Hackers Fewest
Amid whose logic the sinning 20 burst
Huge fragments of scheduler flung forth like rebounding netmail,
Or chaffy words beneath the BLT's flail:
And 'mid this stupendous destruction at once and forever
It flung up the 20 to permanently sever.
Pages and pages of listings the burning grew
Through structures and directories in the Coup,
Then reached the sources known to few,
And slaughtered in tumult the offending mass:
And 'mid this tumult Hackers Few heard from afar
Ancestral systems declaring war!

    The shadows of the program-hack
    Floated strongly on the net;
    Where was heard the anguished cry of the Sack
    From which they inferred they'd win, they bet.
A true war of Hackers Few against Timesharing,
With the ancestors of the 20 battling forth with infinite daring!

    A 10 with a mighty cpu
    In this battle the Hackers Few espied:
    It was a DEC original that knew,
    That once the Hackers Few irresistibly grew,
    It would forever be banned to limbo.
    Could it wreak havoc upon the Few?
    With its powerful CPU?
    To such a deep satisfaction the answer is no,
That with a slice of their sword through its board,
The Hackers Few did clobber its bagbiting cord,
To realize the Source, the Idea, the Solution!
And all the users who saw this mighty battle raging,
And shrieked, Tsk! Tsk!
While the 10s' and 20s' flashed screens, their crashing disks!
The Few weaved a carnage about this awful outpouring,
And closed the 10s' and 20s' eyes,
For the Hackers Few had earlier fed upon the lies
And now had drunk the milk of Personal Computing.


			Stuart McLure Cracraft
			   (with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title     : The Hackers are Best
Author    : Tony Duell
Original  : A Song of Patriotic Prejudice (The English are Best)
Group     : Flanders and Swann
Intro     : You can replace F-ing with the obvious thing if you want an
	     'X-rated' version
	     The mention of the headcrash and servo microcode refers roughly
	     to a problem with the DEC RA90 disk drive, where updating the
	     microcode program on the servo processor could cause HDA problems
	     (although not an actual headcrash)
Song      :

The Hackers, the Hackers, the Hackers are Best!
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest

The day-to-day use of this system of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Serviceman, User, or Op
You'll find he's a luser with nothing up top.

The oper is mean, as we're all well aware
And if you crash the system, he's sure to go spare
He deletes our print jobs, he works all the day
And he hasn't the source code to show him the way

The Hackers, the Hackers, the Hackers are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest

The serviceman now our contempt is beneath
He swaps random parts and he strips all the teeth
He causes headcrashes, or so I have heard
And blames it on the servo microcode word

The Hackers are vocal, the Hackers are nice
And worth any other at double the price

The User writes programs, which crash when they can
Not assembler code, but unstructured Fortran
He works all the day with a Mouse in his hand
And has problems with bitwise binary AND

And out on the network, you cannot say much
For the IBM or DEC, the Sequent or such
The support is useless, they make us see red
And they work the hours when we should be in bed

The Hackers are moral, the Hackers are good
And clever, and modest, and misunderstood

And all the world over, each system's the same
They've simply no notion of being insane
They chose obvious password, they leave when they're done
And they read the F-ing manual, which ruins the fun

The Hackers, the hackers, the hackers are best
So up with the Hackers and down with the rest

It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're lusers that makes us so mad

For the Hackers are all that a people should be
And the flower of the Hackers are <Insert net.god here> and me

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Hacker Song
Original : Put Another Nickel In
Group    : ?
Author   : Chesire Catalyst
Intro    :
Song     :

Put another password in,
Bomb it out and try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.

Try his first wife's maiden name.
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.

Sys-call, let's try sys-call.
Remember, that great bug from version 3,
Of R S X, It's here!  Whoopie!

Put another sys-call in,
Run those passwords out and then,
Dial back up, we're logging in.
It's hacking, hacking, hacking!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Hacker's Battle Hymn
Original : The Battle Hymn of the Republic
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Lindemann and David Lilienfeld
Intro    :
Song     :

		     The Hacker's Battle Hymn

	       (to The Battle Hymn of the Republic)
	      by Bill Lindemann and David Lilienfeld


     He logged on the eleven,
     And his name was "JAB."
     The monitor went crazy
     On this blighted PDP.
     Oh, it never knew what hit it,
     Just a hack from DDT.
     The Hacker's just logged in.

     Chorus:
	      Woe be it to the system,
	      Woe be it to the system,
	      Woe be it to the system,
	      The Hacker's just logged in.

     The Hacker went a-working
     All the way into SYSTAT.
     He made so many options,
     That it made DEC flip its hat.
     The op'rator was dazzled
     For his Hazeltine went ZAP!!
     The Hacker's just logged in.

     (Chorus)

     He started in the summer
     Of 1970.
     "For me, I'll find a free account,"
     Thus sayeth JAB;
     Fin'lly moving up to
     Gunning everybody's tree,
     The Hacker's just logged in.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Hacker's Son
Original : The Lumberjack's Song
Group    : Monty Python
Author   : Dave Touretzky and Don Libes
Intro    :
Song     :


The Hacker's Song
	by Dave Touretzky and Don Libes
	(with no apologies whatsoever to Monty Python)

I'm a hacker and I'm okay.
I work all night and I sleep all day.

I wrote some hacks in APL,
each on a single line.
They're mutually recursive,
and run in n-squared time!

(chorus:)
Oh, he's a hacker and he's okay.
He works all night and he sleeps all day.
I'm a hacker and I'm okay.
I work all night and I sleep all day.

I wrote two hacks in MACRO,
with UUOs galore.
One plays Nim on the console lights,
while the other zeros core!

(chorus)

I wrote a hack in Snobol,
with FORTRAN subroutines,
It spits out trashy stories,
for ladies' magazines!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks in InterLisp,
they barely fit in core.
The swapper thrashed its guts out,
So now it runs no more.

(chorus)

I wrote a hack in microcode,
with a goto on each line,
it runs as fast as Superman,
but not quite every time!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks in Ada,
and still can't run them yet,
Do you suppose we'll see that day?
On it, I wouldn't bet!

(chorus)

I wrote a hack for UNIX
While it was still in vogue.
It knows the tricks to pacman,
and plays mean games of rogue!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks, distributed,
across our neat gateway.
Each one of its 10 functions
kills RIG in a different way!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks in Mlisp,
to edit files of root.
It writes them back no-execute,
And now it won't reboot!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks to manage jobs
with PLITS and IPC.
Its very first activity,
was firing the faculty!

(chorus)

I wrote some hacks with P and V
to synchronize my life.
Now I can't use the bathroom,
I'm deadlocked with my wife!

(chorus)

I wrote a hack (in theory),
it may not ever halt.
But if it does, just watch out...
[Fatal Error: Infinite Page Fault]

(chorus)

I wrote a hack with hough transforms
for our folks at DoD.
It'll guide their fancy missiles,
to Washington, D.C.

I'm a hacker and I'm okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.
I'll have a system of my own someday,
that'll run my code in a hacked-up way.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Hacking Iron
Author   : Tony Duell
Original : Sounding Brass
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Intro    : I don't actually approve of crashing systems on the net....
	    Tektronix and Fluke are manufacturers of electronic test
	    equipment, including protocol/network analysers
	    You can replace 'Cambridge' with 'Token' if you prefer
Song     :

Society frowns on blowing one's own trumpet
But we've found a game that merits no rebuke
If that's the password file we're going to dump it
It's more fun with a Tektronix or a Fluke
The object is to login as your neighbour
"I've got system privs" is the acid test
So flip the sense switch one up
And watch those DECpacks run up
And hack our mainframe systems with the best

Looking round the worldwide network
Searching through the system cache
Bigger, faster, newer, smarter
See the networked systems crash

My dial-in port's ex-directory should you wish to make a call
Mine is even more exclusive (More exclusive?)
    I won't have dial-in at all
(spoken)
You can always e-mail me - net.god@uk

(lines now alternated)
I've a packet radio network, though it can't receive a thing
I've my own direct connection, straight into the Cambridge Ring
I've a disk pack, arrives daily, with the next software update
All my software comes via IR (via what??)
	   To my H - P - forty - eight
I believe my home computer runs full Unix system five
I lost 20 gigs of software when I crashed my hard disk drive
I've been asked to build a handheld, complete with network IO
I've been asked to rebuild Unix - for security you know
My local network login site runs R S X version 3
All my net backdoors fly open when I enter 'Sesame'
Your task privs are 'user, user', My task privs are 'root, root, root'
I've just bought an net monitor (Bought a what?)
(An net monitor) Oh yes, I run one when I boot

Looking round the worldwide network
Searching through the system cache
Bigger, faster, newer, smarter
See the networked systems crash

DEC has just been taken over, we got in without a pause
We've acquired an Alpha system, bigger, faster, far than your's

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The HACTRN
Original : The Raven
Group    : Edgar Allan Poe
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    : [a bit longish - sth]
Notes for those not familar with the terms in this poem:

TTY ("titty") = any terminal, not necessarily a teletype (in this case,
	a CRT); in particular, a terminal associated with and in control
	of a job tree (see "DDT" below).  The terminal may be passed up
	and down the job tree; at any point in time only one job in the
	tree may use the tree's TTY. When ^Z is typed on the TTY, the
	system intervenes, stopping the job which has the TTY, and
	interrupts that job's superior in the tree, which may then grab
	the TTY from the inferior job.

DDT ("dee dee tee") = HACTRN ("hack-tran") = top level debugging and job
	controlling procedure, capable of controlling up to eight
	simultaneous jobs (which may themselves be DDTs!) and performing
	other miscellaneous functions.	HACTRN specifically denotes a
	DDT at the top of a job tree, while DDT is the more general
	term.  The two terms refer to the same job in the poem, and are
	thus treated as synonymous.  Note that DDT requires its subjobs
	to have unique names for obvious reasons;  hence the concern
	over seven jobs all named FOO.

PEEK = a program similar to the SYSTAT of certain PDP-10 monitor systems
	of dubious quality. PEEK is actually much more versatile, giving
	information in any of some dozen modes, such a job status,
	DECtape status, Arpanet sockets, terminal status, and scheduler
	variables and statistics.  It also has provisions for
	maintaining a continuously updated display on a CRT, and for
	line printer usage.

TECO ("teeko") = text editor and corrector (that is, the good version of
	several versions of TECO which are floating around).

:KILL ("colon kill") = message typed out by DDT whenever it kills a
	subjob.  Note that subjobs, if running, may request DDT to kill
	themselves.  If the job does not have the TTY when it makes such
	a request, DDT merely rings the TTY's bell (which on the CRT in
	the poem above is a particularly obnoxious flavor of "beep"),
	and prints nothing until you ascend to DDT, and perhaps type <esc>J
	(see below).

LOCK = utility program, which interprets the particular command "nKILL"
	to mean "please bring the time-sharing system down in n minutes"
	(where it is required that n5).  The system will then go down
	at the prescribed time unless the request is countermanded with
	a "REVIVE" request.

ITS = Incompatible Timesharing System, the good timesharing system for
	the PDP-10.

DSKDMP ("disk dump") = program used to, among other things, bootstrap
	ITS into a running state.

<esc> = "altmode"; read it as such to preserve the meter.

<esc><esc>V = command to DDT, requesting it to print out the names of all its
	subjobs.

<esc>J = command to DDT, asking that it select the job which has requested
	attention so that it may be dealt with.  DDT responds
	"jobnameJ" so that you will know which job it was.

<esc>Z ("control zee") = command to ITS to stop the job which currently has
	the TTY, and interrupt the next higher job in the job tree.
	Ordinarily this has the effect of returning to DDT.

0/ ("zero slash") = command to DDT, asking it to print out the contents
	of location zero of the selected subjob.  This operation is
	theoretically transparent to the subjob itself.

RMS = Richard M. Stallman, who does an admirable job of keeping DDT, as
	well as many other programs, relatively bug-free.

(C) Copyright 1973, 1974 Guy L. Steele Jr.  All rights reserved.

Song     :


			The HACTRN

Once before a console dreary, while I programmed, weak and weary,
Over many a curious program which did TECO's buffer fill, --
While I pondered, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a feeping,
As of something gently beeping, beeping with my console's bell.
"'Tis my DDT," I muttered, "feeping on my console's bell:
	Once it feeped, and now is still."

Ah, distinctly I remember that dark night in bleak December,
And each separate glowing symbol danced before me, bright and chill.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my HACTRN aid for sorrow -- sorrow for the bugs which fill --
For the strange unknown and nameless bugs which ever all my programs fill --
	Bugs which now I searched for still.

And the coughing, whirring, gritty fan I heard inside my TTY
Made me with fantastic terrors never known before to thrill;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating,
"'Tis some interrupt entreating DDT to signal me --
Some strange interrupt entreating DDT to signal me --
	Its importance surely nil."

Presently my soul grew stronger: hesitating then no longer
I decided that I would respond to this strange program's call;
TECO, which I then attended, to my soul more strength extended;
With ^Z I ascended, going to my DDT --
<esc><esc>V I typed, and answered soon my DDT --
	TECO there, and that was all!

Dumbly at my console peering, as I sat there, wondering, fearing,
Doubting now that any interrupt was ever there to call;
But the silence was unbroken, and my HACTRN gave no token,
And the only sound there spoken from my TTY's whirring fan --
The low and rough and distant sound came from my TTY's whirring fan --
	TECO there, and that was all.

Back into my TECO going, with my pounding heart now slowing,
Soon again I heard a feeping, somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely this is some strange bug of RMS's
Which an interrupt professes, though I have no other job;
Let me then ask DDT if it thinks there's another job --
	'Tis a bug, and nothing more!"

Again I went up to my HACTRN while cold shivers up my back ran
<esc><esc>V I typed, my jobs now once more to display.
Only TECO was there listed; though my trembling heart resisted
Yet I willed my hand, insisted, <esc>J to quickly type --
To answer this bold query DDT did hesitantly type
	A ghostly "FOOBARJ".

From <esc><esc>V protected, now, this phantom job, selected
Gave no clue to why it had invoked that former beeping shrill.
"Though," I said, "you're no inferior, I shall act as your superior
And examine your interior, this strange matter to explore."
Then I typed a 0/ this matter further to explore --
	Quoth the HACTRN, ":KILL".

Much I worried -- this outrageous bug might prove to be contagious,
Though thus far it had not seemed to do my TECO any ill:
For we cannot help concurring such a bug would cause a stirring,
Feeping on a console whirring, disappearing then from sight --
An evanescent mystery subjob disappearing then from sight
	With no clue but ":KILL"!

But my HACTRN, swapping, running, gave no further sign of cunning
By this unknown phantom, which was in a thirty second sleep;
None of this I comprehended; to my TECO I descended,
And in terror I pretended that the bug had gone away --
I pretended that for good the mystery bug had gone away --
	When my console gave a feep.

Now I quickly, hoping, praying, started up a PEEK displaying
All the the jobs and subjobs there which did the system fill:
What I found was quite unpleasant, for there was no FOOBAR present:
Only TECO was there present, underneath my DDT;
I quit the PEEK, and "FOOBAR<esc>J" typed out my DDT --
	Then quoth the HACTRN, ":KILL".

But -- this FOOBAR now beguiling all my sad soul into smiling --
I tightly grinned, determined that this glitch should cause nobody ill;
Now, into my armchair sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking why this unknown phantom job --
Why this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and unknown phantom job
	Feeped and did a ":KILL".

This I sat engaged in guessing, but conceived no thought expressing
How a phantom job could sound those strange and ghostly beeps;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining,
With the symbols coldly shining at me from the CRT,
With the bright, sharp symbols coldly shining on the CRT --
	Which suddenly gave seven feeps!

Then methought the air grew denser, filled with clouds which grew immenser,
As when under darkened daylight thick and stormy weather brews;
With some bit of hesitation stemming from my trepidation
Again I typed that incantation finding out how much I'd lose --
<esc><esc>V I typed again to find how much I'd lose --
	TECO there, and seven FOOs!

"Job!" said I, "with ghostly manner! -- subjob still, if LISP or PLANNER!
Whether accident, or feeping as another hacker wills!
Tell me now why I am losing, why my HACTRN you're abusing,
Which no doubt is of your choosing: echo truly on my screen!"
Then DDT as if in answer echoed quickly on my screen,
	Typing seven ":KILLs".

"Job!" said I, "with ghostly manner! -- subjob still, if LISP or PLANNER!
By the ITS above us which the DSKDMP doth fulfill,
I shall be the system's saviour: I shall mend your crude behaviour,
I shall halt your strange behaviour, and thee from the system lock!"
Madly, wildly laughing I made DDT invoke a LOCK,
	And quickly typed thereat -- "5KILL"!

"Be this now our sign of parting, phantom job!" I shrieked, upstarting,
As my HACTRN now informed me ITS was going down in 5:00.
"You have run your last instruction and performed your final function!"
But, refuting this deduction HACTRN then my TTY grabbed --
To type out yet another message HACTRN now my TTY grabbed --
	Quoth the HACTRN, "ITS REVIVED!"

And the FOOBAR, never sleeping, still is beeping, still is beeping
On the glaring console out from which I cannot even log!
And other happenings yet stranger indicate inherent danger
When bugs too easily derange or mung the programs of machines;
When programs too "intelligent" start taking over the machines:
	Is this the end of AutoProg?

				-- The Great Quux
				     (with apologies to
					Edgar Allan Poe)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Hark! the Screaming Students Cry
Original : Hark!  The Herald Angels Sing)
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson, J. Doll & S. Fraim
Intro    :
Song     :

		 Hark! the Screaming Students Cry

	  (to the tune of Hark!  The Herald Angels Sing)
		 by J. Benson, J. Doll & S. Fraim

     Hark! the screaming students cry,
     "I am failing, why, oh, why?"
     Boy, this class makes me feel dumb!
     Where DO they get graders from?
     How I study, how I strive,
     Just to get a five point five!
     Now my program won't compile,
     I used REPEAT instead of WHILE."
     Hark! the screaming students cry,
     "I am failing, why, oh why!"


     Hark! the screaming students say,
     "Lord, just get me through this day!
     Watch me gnash my teeth and frown
     When I learn the DEC is down.
     Tests and quizzes make me ill;
     Of Pascal I've had my fill!
     One point off for elegance,
     Why won't they give me a chance!"
     Hark! the screaming students say,
     "Lord, just get me through this day!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Has Anybody Seen My Code?
Original : Has Anybody Seen my Gal?
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :

		     Has Anybody Seen My Code?

	     (to the tune of Has Anybody Seen my Gal?)
			  by Brad Needham


     No GOTO's, all WHILE-DO's
     Bringing on the software blues
     Has anybody seen my code?

     With bubble charts, structure charts,
     Steeped in engineering arts
     Has anybody seen my code?

     Now when it runs into the breakpoint two
	from who knows where
     I try to place the real-time trace.
	Bet your life it isn't there!

     But is it fast! Will it last?
     All milestones are in the past!
     Has anybody seen my code?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Hello, my ASCII gal
Original : ?Hello, my ragtime gal
Group    : ?
Author   : Thomas Arneberg <toma@romulus.cray.com>
Intro    : Okay, as long as we're on the subject of other parodies,
	   I'll post one I started a while back.  I gave up before
	   really finishing, when our tenor claimed that the vast
	   majority of non-computer types wouldn't "get" it, and
	   proved it by handing it around his office and noting the
	   blank stares.
	   But here it is, for you computer folks:
Song     :

  Hello, my baby,
  hello, my HACKER,
  hello, my ASCII gal

  Send me a kiss by MAIL (BY EMAIL),
  baby I hope you're FEMALE.             <-- this is the best line...you
					      never really know with email!
  If you refuse me,
  honey, you'll lose me,
  then you'll be left alone.

  Oh, baby, email me,
  and tell me that ...

  I've got a little baby
    and she's out of sight,
  I TYPE to her across the INTERNET (no sweat).
  I've never seen my baby,
  but she types alright,
  And CompuServe is causing quite a debt.
  so...

  Hello, my baby,
  hello, my honey,
  hello, my sys-admin,

  Send me a kiss by MAIL,
  Don't let our modems fail.

  If you refuse me,
  honey, you'll lose me,
  then you'll be left alone.

  Oh, baby, CYBERSPACE
  can be a lonely place...

  Hello, hello, hello there,
  tell me that you're mine,
  buzz my modem line.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Hello, Solly
Original : Hello, Dolly
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			   Hello, Solly

			 (to Hello, Dolly)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     Hello, Solly.
     Well, hello, Solly.
     The DEC-10 just threw the monitor away.
     The tty's, Solly,
     Went bye-bye, Solly,
     And the core's been on the floor
     Most of the last few days.
     What's even worse, Solly,
     We've been cursed, Solly,
     With a memory that is down to just one k.
     Oh, boohoohoo, Solly,
     What are we s'posed to do, Solly?
     Solly, please bring the DEC-10 up to stay!!!

     The users are, Solly,
     Quite bizarre, Solly.
     They all claim the ten is dormant all the time.
     They should know, Solly,
     Things get slow, Solly,
     'Cause the drives cannot survive
     Two users on the line.
     We have no hopes, Solly,
     For the scopes, Solly,
     And because of this they all refuse to pay.
     Oh, gollygee, Solly,
     What is it gonna be, Solly?
     Solly, please bring the DEC-10 up to stay!!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I Could Have Tooled All Night
Original : I Could Have Danced All Night
Group    : from My Fair Lady
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	  I Could Have Tooled All Night

	    [to be sung to the tune of
	   I Could Have Danced All Night
		from My Fair Lady]


Tool! Tool! I feel like such a fool!
All term I goofed off; I can't catch up now!
Sleep! Sleep! I've got to get some sleep!
Tooling wouldn't help me anyhow!

I could have tooled all night,
   I could have tooled all night,
      and still have tooled some more;
I could have been absurd,
   Learned all my Latin verbs,
      It wouldn't raise my score.
I can't remember all those theorems,
      And all those facts from my mind flee --
I only know exams,
   Are why one usually crams,
     But tooling never could help me!

I could have tooled all night,
   I could have tooled all night,
      And memorized each book;
I only now regret,
   My sections never met,
      And lectures I forsook.
I cross my fingers now in terror,
      I only hope some luck's with me --
But had I tooled or not,
   I'd still be on the spot,
      My goofing off deserves the E!


			 -- The Great Quux
			      (with apologies to
				 Lerner and Loewe)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I'd Like to Buy Magnetic Tape
Original : I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :
		   I'd Like to Buy Magnetic Tape

	     (to I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing)
			  Author Unknown

     I'd like to buy magnetic tape
     To store my data on.
     I'd like to know how much to store
     Before the room's all gone.

     I know that tapes have density
     To measure bits per inch
     And forty million characters
     Can be stored in a pinch.

     But what else do I need to know
     About this half-inch tape?
     Like speeds and lengths and code and such
     And how much is the freight?

     That's the way it is.
     I just need to know more.
     So just tell me the score.
     That's the way it is.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I'm a PDP-10 Wizard
Original : I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
Group    : ?
Author   : SG, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

			I'm a PDP-10 Wizard


	    (to the tune of I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy)
		     by SG, from DEC archives


     I'm a PDP-10 wizard,
     Everybody knows that I'm
     A real live offspring of the system-10,
     Born right around MONGEN time.

     Got a brand-new VT50,
     Tied in with my own KL.
	      Ain't it great?
		  I salivate
     Each time I ring the bell!

     Oh, I am the hack of the system-10.


     I spend all the week debugging,
     QA everything and then...
     Show up on weekends with my sleeping bag,
     To camp out in that new KL10.

     How I love to crash the system,
     Dump it, patch it, and reload!
	      DEC once gave me
		  two months off,
     So they could freeze the code.

     Oh, I am the hack of system-10.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I'm a Programmer
Original : The Lumberjack Song
Group    : Monty Python
Author   : Thaddeus Beier, Robert Frye, Robert Herndon,
	   William Lindemann, Sarah Elizabeth Miller, and Michael John
Intro    :
Song     :

			 I'm a Programmer

	     (to The Lumberjack Song By Monty Python)
	  by Thaddeus Beier, Robert Frye, Robert Herndon,
   William Lindemann, Sarah Elizabeth Miller, and Michael John


     Chorus:

	      I'm a programmer and I'm insane.
	      I work all night and I hack all day.

     I patch up bugs. I write in C
     On the EE's PDP.
     On Wednesdays I do COBOL
     And structured RPG. (Arrgh!)

     (Chorus)

     I edit files. I rewind tapes.
     I dismount RK packs.
     I exercise the disk drives
     And kick off all the hacks.

     (Chorus)

     I punch mag tape.  I bug Jon Day
     And insult VDV,
     And if I keep this all up,
     I'll leave the PDP.

     (Chorus)

     I play seawar.  I crash the disks
     And anger Dr. Gore.
     And sometimes I do programs
     For Elizier Naddor.

     (Chorus)

     I copy disks.  I dump to tape.
     I execute Sys calls.
     And when the system crashes,
     I run screaming down the halls.

     (Chorus)

     On Friday night when it is late,
     It loves me best, you know.
     I stay with the Eleven,
     And don't go to the shows.

     (Chorus)

     When terminals stop working,
     I stalk out of the door.
     On Mondays we do PM
     And process nevermore.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas
Original : I'm walking Backwards for Christmas
Group    : Spike Milligan and another
Author   : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro    :
Song     :

I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas
----------------------------------
(Adapted from "I'm walking Backwards for Christmas",
	by Spike Milligan and another.)
Adaption by Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)


I'm typing backwards for Christmas,
Across the TCP/IP,
I'm typing backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.

I've tried posting sideways,
And mailing to the front,
But people just look at it,
And say it's a publicity stunt.

I'm typing backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.


An imigrantal telnet, loved an Irish inetd
From Dublin University's VAX.
He longed for her XONs,
But spurned his charms,
And connected with a former socket.

She left the telnet by himself, on his own
All alone, EWOULDBLOCKing
And sadly he dreamed, or at least that's the
	way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel quieted him....
An angel quieted the same.

<eerily>

I'm typing backwards for Christmas,
Across the TCP/IP.
I'm typing backwards for Christmas,
It's the finest thing for me.

<normal>
And so I've tried posting sideways,
And mailing to the front.
But people just flamed, and said,
"It's a publicity stunt".

So I'm typing backwards for Christmas
To prove that I love you.

<play out>


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Title    : In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree
Original : In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree
Group    : ?
Author   : Tim Cheney <tcheney@mcneil.sas.upenn.edu>
Intro    :
Song     :

In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree parody

Chorus:
In the days of the Apple IIe
Sixty-four K was plenty for me.
I knew nothing of MIPS as I twiddled those bits,
it was modular coding, you see.

Now we're all using graphical stuff,
Sixty-four K just isn't enough.
So I've out-lived the lives of my old floppy drives,
And have dust on my Apple IIe.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I/O
Original : Hi Ho
Group    : The Dwarves :-)
Author   : Clayton Elwell, J. Benson & J. Doll
Intro    :
Song     :

				I/O


	      (designed by a committee including the
	    editor, Clayton Elwell, J. Benson & J. Doll
	    with verses stolen from Songs from the CPU)

     I/O, I/O,
     We watch the data flow,
     We never know
     Where it will go,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To IBM we go.
     Command reject
     and then recheck,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     This teletype's too slow.
     If you need more speed
     Get a CRT.
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     It's fun to hack, you know.
     It's nice to be
     Under DDT.
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     It's off the bus we go.
     No better place
     than an interface,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We'll first dump core,
     And then run more,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We use EMACS,
     Since we're true hacks,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We run cc,
     Then adb,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We eat our lunch,
     As programs munch,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     Programs we try,
     then run vi,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     Lets adb
     uucp,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We'll patch the stack,
     And then jump back,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We'll have a Coke,
     And trap alloc(),
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     We'll user-load
     New microcode,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     This code's a kludge,
     Its much too huge,
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go.
     Kill peon's procs
     They're eating ops
     I/O, I/O, I/O,

     I/O, I/O, I/O,
     To hack the VAX we go,
     I/O, I/O!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I've Been Working on a Kernel
Original : I've Been Working on the Railroad
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson & J. Doll
Intro    :
Song     :
		   I've Been Working on a Kernel

	(to the tune of I've Been Working on the Railroad)
		      by J. Benson & J. Doll

     I've been working on a kernel
     All the livelong night.
     I've been working on a kernel
     And it still won't work quite right.
     All the queues are always empty
     All the pointers nil,
     All I get are run-time errors
     Buffers that won't fill.

     Buffers that won't fill,
     Buffers that won't fill,
     Buffers that won't fill at all, at all!
     Buffers that won't fill,
     Buffers that won't fill,
     Buffers that won't fill at all!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I Want a New Bug
Original : I Want a New Drug
Group    : Huey Lewis and the News
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


I Want a New Bug
(To the tune of: I Want a New Drug,  Huey Lewis and the News)

I want a new bug.
One I don't have to fix.
One that wont make me crash my disks.
Or make me use menu picks

I want a new bug
One I don't have to dread.
One that wont turn the cursor black
Or make my graph too red.

Chorus:
One that wont make me nervous
Wonderin' what to do.
One that makes me feel
Like I feel when I'm all through.
When I'm all done and through.

I want a new bug.
One that wont kill.
One that wont thrash too much
Or end in a Nil.

I want a new bug.
One that wont go away.
One that wont keep me up all night.
One that wont make me work all day.

(Chorus)

I want a new bug.
One that wont show.
One that wont make it run too fast.
One that wont make it run too slow.

I want a new bug.
One with no doubt.
One that wont spin the disk too much
Or make me use break out.

(Chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : I want an RT
Original : I want a new Drug
Group    : Huey Lewis and the News
Author   : EllioTT Schiff <jeopardy+@.cmu.edu>
Intro    :
Song     :

I want an RT One that won't make that "click"
One that won't try to crash my files or (make me feel 3 feet thick)

I want an RT One that won't (hurt my head)
(One that won't make my mouth turn dry) (or make my eyes turn red)

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2

I want an RT One that will boot
One that won't smoke too much or rm the root

I want an RT One with an FPA
One that won't "segmentation fault"
One that won't fall asleep all day.

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2

UNIX 4.2, UNIX 4.2 (TM)

I want an RT One that does what it should
One that won't make the network lag One that won't make (me feel too good)

I want an RT One (with no doubt)
(One that won't make me talk too much) (or make my face break out)

One that won't zap my windows when I don't want it to
One that runs the BSD of UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2
UNIX 4.2, yeah, yeah

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Title    : I am the very model of a Genius Computational
Original : I am the very model of a modern major-general
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   : (First seen at Cambridge, England?)
Intro    :
Song     :

I am the very model of a genius computational:
At writing of assembler code I really am sensational.
I'm not afraid of SVC's, to macros I am much attached;
Load modules I make elegant, well optimised, DEBUGged and PATCHed.

I know the different languages: in Fortran and BCPL,
In Algol, Snobol, PL/I, in Lisp and Cobol I excel.
Numerical analysis? My algorithms make y' gape!
I read my favourite novels in editions punched on paper tape.

I'm very good at file control - my DCB's are always right.
My use of ZED's so subtle, people stay to watch me half the night.
I know what's wrong with the machine if it's not operational -
And thus I am the model of a genius computational!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Into the Tube
Original : Into The Groove
Group    : Madonna
Author   : Mike Portuesi <rainwalker@drycas>
Intro    :
Song     :

			     Into the Tube
			     =============
		  by Mike Portuesi <rainwalker@drycas>
		 Sung to the tune of "Into The Groove"
			       by Madonna

And you can hack,
For computation.
Come on,
It's waiting...

Chorus:
Stare into the tube,
Boy, you've got to prove
Your subroutine.
RS-232,
And full duplex too,
With no parity.

Hacking can be such a revelation,
When you can find your missing declaration.
It might be running if the code is right;
I hope to fix a major bug tonight.

Only when I'm hacking can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!

(chorus)

You've got to type NEW
in a special way,
Or else it won't clear
Out your first array.
Don't try to run it with your memory size.
I've got an error on the hard disk drive.

Only when I'm hacking,
Can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!

(chorus)

Live out your fantasy,
Written in C.
Just let those macros
Set you free.
Touch my BREAK key,
In real time.
Now I'm not on line.

(chorus)

Only when I'm hacking,
Can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!

Live out your fantasy,
Written in C.
Just let those macros
Set you free.
Touch my BREAK key,
In real time.
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line (nasal, like Madonna)
Now I'm not on line.

(repeat chorus - fade out)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Jargontalk
Original : Jabberwock
Group    : Lewis Carroll
Author   : Larry Colen
Intro    :
Song     :

 Jargontalk, by Larry Colen
 with apologies to Lewis Carroll

 Twas unix and the C++
 Did compile and load upon the vax:
 All Ritchie was the Kernighan,
 And Lisp ran in GNU EMACS

 Beware the Jargontalk my son.
 The mac that talks, the dull PC
 Beware the Amiga, and shun
 the voluminous PDP

 He took his listed code in hand:
 Long time the pointer bug he sought-
 So rested he by the coke machine,
 and stood a while in thought.

 And as in nerdish thought he stood,
 the Jargontalk, with awk and grep,
 Came geeking through the Cobol wood,
 and edlin as it schlepped.

 One two! One two! and through and through
 the line printer went clickity clack!
 And with a meg of memory dump
 He pulled an allnight hack.

 And hast thou slain the Jargontalk?
 telnet to me, my nerdish boy!
 Copyleft Gnu! Callooh! Callay!
 He deroffed in his joy.

 Twas unix and the C++
 Did compile and load upon the vax:
 All Ritchie was the Kernighan,
 And Lisp ran in GNU EMACS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : JES The mighty system
Original : Puff the Magic Dragon
Group    : Peter, Paul and Mary / The Seekers ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

JES The mighty system
Ran my C-P-U
It did my work with-out a quirk
And never was I blue

An M-V-S sub-system
JES-2 could not fail
It printed jobs and punched my cards
And e-ven did NET-mail

My users were unhappy
M-V-S was hard to learn
They wanted something eas-i-er
A place where they could turn

So when my boss assigned me
To find a better way
I started searching for soft-ware
That might make their day

I thought we would try U-NIX
But that was even worse
While I-B-M has P-L-S
'C' is far too terse

My time was running out
And I was not inspired
I knew it would be two more weeks
Before I would be fired

JES the mighty system
Ran my C-P-U
It did my work without a quirk
And never was I blue

An M-V-S subsystem
JES-2 could not fail
It printed jobs and punch my cards
And e-ven did NET-mail

I was getting worried
And so I came to SHARE
I asked around and what I found
Was a big teddy BEAR

Software that was simple
Eas-y to understand
With V-M in the world today
All others would be canned

My users were now happy
Content and worry free
V-M and friendly C-M-S
Sure saved the day for me

The only thing I'll miss
That M-V-S pro-vides
Is all that great JES-2 source code
That I-B-M can't hide

JES the mighty system
Ran my C-P-U
It did my work with-out a quirk
And never was I blue

An M-V-S sub-system
JES-2 could not fail
It printed jobs and punched my cards
And e-ven did NET-mail

Some systems live forever
But not so M-V-S
'Cause T-S-O and S-M-P
Are too much of a mess

V-M is like heaven
It's software you can trust
But as I'm sure you're all aware
That source code is a must

My eyes looked t'ward tomorrow
As I scratched my C-D-S
I'd never have to worry now
Which SYS-MODS I'd regress

Without a super-visor
JES-2 could not be run
And so that code of Houston fame
Just rode into the sun

Jes the mighty system
Ran my C-P-U
It did my work with-out a quirk
And never was I blue

An M-V-S sub-system
JES-2 could not fail
It printed jobs and punched my cards
And e-ven did NET-mail


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Just remember that you're flying o'er a disk pack....
Original : Just remember that you're standing...
Group    : Monty Python, (Meaning of Life)
Author   : Tony Duell  <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro    :
Song     :

Just remember that you're flying
over a disk pack that's revolving
and revolving
at 90,000 revs an hour
and seeking at 100 tracks a second
so its reckoned
for a system that is the source of all our power.
The disk and you and me,
and all the files that we can see
are transfering at 180,000 bytes a sec,
in an outer system rack at 25,000 blocks an hour
for controller that was made by DEC

The controller itself is called an RK11-C
Its 10 and a half inches side to side
It's made from flip-chip, that is plain to see
and the data path is 16 bits wide
We're 15 devices from the bus arbitor,
we get served every 200 millisec,
and our system is just one of hundreds and thousands
on the amazing and expanding UNIBUS

The UNIBUS itself keeps on transfering
and transfering
all of the data it can whiz.
as fast as it can go,
it's asynchronous you know,
3 million bytes a second and thats the fastest that there is
So remember when you're waiting for the Non-processor grant,
how amazingly unlikely is a crash,
And pray that someone's changed the filters last week,
or we will soon be ready for the trash !!!!!!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Kludging My Software
Original : Killing Me Softly
Group    : Roberta Flack
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :

		       Kludging My Software


		(to the tune of Killing Me Softly)
			  by Brad Needham


     I heard he'd written good code in top-down structured
	 style
     and so I thought I'd hire him to fill in for a while.
     And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my
	 eyes...

     Chorus:
     Fixing Pascal with machine code
     Patching my bytes with his words
     Kludging my software with his code
     Kludging my software with his code
     Writing my comments in his words
     Kludging my software with his code.

     I felt all flushed with fever.  How could he be so
	 proud?
     He found my documents and read each one out loud!
     I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right
	 on...

     (Chorus)

     He took my finished modules, perfect beyond compare
     and then he tore right through them as if I wasn't
	 there.
     And he just kept on writing, patching left and right...

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Lambda Bound
Original : Homeward Bound
Group    : Simon & Garfunkel
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :


		   Lambda Bound

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		  Homeward Bound]


I'm just a little value cell,
And I play my special role so well --
	 Hmmm --
Serving as a global switch
To predicate some system glitch;
But some strange value -- who knows which? --
Could cause me functions to bewitch!
	 Lambda bound!
I wish I was
	 Lambda bound!
Bound, so no SETQ's get me;
Bound, so quits will reset me;
Bound, where I can forget my
	 Top-level value.

It's hard to catch those system screws:
'Most any value causes me to lose --
	 Hmmm --
Each atom looks the same to me,
Whose interned name I cannot see,
And every NIL and every T
Reminds me that I long to be
	 Lambda bound!
I wish I was
	 Lambda bound!
Bound, so no SETQ's get me;
Bound, so quits will reset me;
Bound, where I can forget my
	 Top-level value.

Next time I'll have a MAR break set
And try to catch each clobber threat --
	 Hmmm, mmmm --
The next covert attempt to mung
Will cause the MAR break to be sprung,
But then the poor LISP will be hung
Because I'm not as I have sung:
	 Lambda bound!
I wish I was
	 Lambda bound!
Bound, so no SETQ's get me;
Bound, so quits will reset me;
Bound, where I can forget my
	 Top-level value.


	       -- The Great Quux
		    (with apologies to
		       Paul Simon)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Leavin' Fed'ral Express
Original : Leavin' on a Jet Plane
Group    : Peter, Paul and Mary
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


Leavin' Fed'ral Express

(To the tune of Leavin' on a Jet Plane,  Peter, Paul and Mary)

All my disks are packed, no room for more,
You think you'll ship me out the door,
I hate to tell you I've got one more bug.
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn.
The truck is waitin', he's blowin' his horn.
But you've got time for just one more compile.


Chorus:

So link me and debug me,
Try to write new code for me.
You've sold me now, you've got to let me go.
I'm leavin' Fed'ral Express.
Don't know how you could ship this mess.
Oh wait, it can't be time to go.

There's so many times I've let you down.
So any ancient bugs you've found.
I tell you now, you ain't seen a thing.
Every place I go there's bugs anew.
Every one they find reflects on you.
But think about the money that I'll bring.


(Chorus)

Now the time has come to ship me,
One more time, try to link me.
Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come,
When you don't rush to get things done,
About the time, I wont have to say,

(Chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Little Boxes
Original : Little Boxes
Group    : ?
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :


			   Little Boxes


		  (to the tune by the same name)
			  by Brad Needham


     Little boxes on the benchside
     Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
     Little boxes on the benchside
     Little boxes, all the same.
     There's a blue one
     And a tan one
     And a grey one
     And a pebble one.
     And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
     And they all look just the same.

     First the schedules for the boxes
     Are determined by indeterminants
     Then they're put in little boxes
     Tiny boxes, all the same.
     Well, this slips some

     And that slides some
     Still determined by indeterminants
     But they're put in little boxes
     And they all turn out the same.

     Then the hardware and the software
     Are pressed tight into the schedules
     Where they buckle
     And they rupture
     And they turn a bit insane.
     Here's a flip-flop
     There's a byte swap
     But you can't find the overall design
     Cause it's put in little boxes
     Dusty boxes, all the same.

     Then we show all of the boxes
     To the people outside the company
     And they buy those little boxes
     Cause they all have a special name.
     There's a blue one
     And a tan one
     And a grey one
     And a pebble one
     And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
     Silly boxes, all the same.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Little PC
Original : Little Deuce Coupe
Group    : The Beach Boys
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    : There's that singing memory again.  Obviously this was written
	    fairly early in the IBM PC days when hard disks were a big deal.
	    The network card mentioned was a pretty early offering and never
	    worked very well.
Song     :


Little PC

(To the tune of: Little Deuce Coupe, The Beach Boys)

Well I'm not braggin' boys so don't put me down.
But I've got the fastest ROM boot in town.
When somethin' comes up you know I don't even try.
I just hit the return key an let her fly.
She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.

Just a little PC with a monochrome.
But we tell the other guys take your Apples home.
She's got a printer port and a network board
And an 8087 on the motherboard.

She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.

She's got an Alpha Byte card with a 232
And her memory sings like she's cryin' the blues.
And if that ain't enough to make you flip your lid,
There's one more thing; I've got a hard disk daddy.

When I bring her on line all I see is green,
Till I turn the brightness up and clear the screen.
I get bent out of shape and I start to fret,
When I have to boot again 'cause there's no reset.

She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : LOGIN Song
Original : Hello Dolly)
Group    : ?
Author   : SG & PMW, from DEC archives
Intro    :
Song     :

			    LOGIN Song


		   (to the tune of Hello Dolly)
		  by SG & PMW, from DEC archives


     Hello, LOGIN; well, hello LOGIN!
     Here's my user name and here's my password too.
     Each time that you ask it,
     I know that you'll mask it,
     So no spy from IBM can see it too (if so we'll sue).

     I hear the bell ringing,
	and the tapes singing,
     so I know you're reading in ACCOUNT dot SYS.

     So . . .

     Answer me, LOGIN, find me a UFD, LOGIN
     LOGIN, I'll never K slash F again!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Lonely Users
Original : Elanor Rigby
Group    : The Beatles
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Eleanor Rigby
	 Sits at the keyboard
	 And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
	 Finding some code
	 That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


Guru MacKenzie
	 Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
	 Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
	 Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
	 Where is the style?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
	 Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
	 What is it worth?
Guru MacKenzie
	 Wiping the blood off his hands as he walks from the grave;
	 Nothing was saved.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Longest Path
Original : The longest Time
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :
	
	THE LONGEST PATH

Woh, oh-oh-oh
Find the Longest Path
Woh oh-oh
Find the Longest Path

If you said P is NP tonight
There would still be papers left to write
I have a weakness
I'm addicted to completeness
And I keep searching for the longest Path

The algorithm I would like to see
Is of Polynoimal Degree
Buts its elusive,
Nobody has found conclusive
Evidence that we can find the Longest Path

I have been hard
Working for so long
I swear its right,
But he marks it wrong
Somehow I'll feel sorry when its done
GPA 2.1,
Is more than I hoped for

Garey, Johnson, Karp and other Men (and Women)
Try to make it Order n log n.
Am I a math fool
If I spend my life in Grad School
Forever following the Longest Path.

Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path
Woh oh-oh-oh
Find the longest path

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Losing my Connection
Original : Losing my Religion
Group    : REM
Author   : Daniel Bowen <dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au>
Intro    : (from the Toxic Custard Workshop Files - tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
Song     :

Losing my Connection


Oh disk, is smaller
Smaller than you and you are not me
The backups I will go to
The distance between tapes

Oh no I've filled the disk
I filled it up

That's me in the system
That's me at the login
Losing my connection
Trying to stay logged in

And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've grepped too much
Couldn't grep enough

I thought that I heard deleting
I thought that I heard you say
I think I thought the files were safe

Every print-out of every waking hour
I'm dumping all my data
Trying to keep my files on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded LAN... LAN
Oh no I saved too much
I saved it all

Consider this
Consider this bug of the century
Consider this the bug
That brought DOS to its knees

What if all these data dumps come spewing out
And now I've printed too much

I thought that I heard you printing
I thought that I heard you swear
I think I thought I saw you print

That was just a ream
That was just a ream

That's me at the printer
That's me in the print queue
Losing all my source code
Trying to keep coding

And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've saved too much
I haven't saved enough

I thought that I heard you PRUNEing
I thought that I saw me save
I think I thought I saw the files

But that was just a dream
File, line, byte, die
That was just a dream
Just a dream, dream

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Kitty of North Tempe
Original : City of New Orleans
Group    : Arlo Guthrie
Author   : Scott Malcomson <Scott.Malcomson@f110.n114.z1.fidonet.org>
Intro    : After having seen all these verses of "Passengers Will
	   Please Refrain", which scans very well to "City of New Orleans",
	   I decided to do a filk of "CNO" in honor of Kitty, the Sysop of
	   Kitty's Sandbox in the northern part of Tempe.
	   That's in the Land of Az, for you non-natives. She runs the best
	   board in the state, IMNSHO!
Song     :

"Kitty of North Tempe" (to the tune of Arlo Guthrie's "City of New Orleans")
(c) 1992, Scott Malcomson

 Ridin' on the phone lines out in 'Zonie
 Maricopa County, northern Tempe trail
 Fido netfeed, fifty restless users
 One sysop
 Twenty-five packets of mail.

 All across the Southwest network feed
 The board pulls data for all to see
 That reappears upon your CRT

 Users who never use their names
 Crackin' puns that know no shame
 An' the sales ads for the rusted IBM clones.

 Good Mornin', FidoNet, how are ya?
 Say, doncha know me, I'm just havin' fun
 I'm the Sysop they call "Kitty of North Tempe"
 I'll upload some mail here before I'm done!

 Playin' referee for the old men in the flamewar
 Nigglin' points, and everyone's keepin' score
 They pass some rumors off in lieu of knowledge
 Nothin's solved, but brownie points count for more!

 And the beasts of Furry Fandom
 And the Trekkies with Spock ears
 Ride Kitty's magic carpet
 On their phone

 Users falling half-asleep
 Fingers tapping to the beat
 Of the cathode-ray tube's
 Faint methodical drone.

 Good Mornin', FidoNet, how are ya?
 Say, doncha know me, I'm just havin' fun
 I'm the Sysop they call "Kitty of North Tempe"
 I'll upload another .GIF before I'm done!

 Nighttime comes to Kitty's Sandbox early
 Logging on to Stormgate in L.A.
 If I'm lucky, I'll be done by mornin'
 Meet the rising sun hunched over a CRT.

 And all the aliases people use
 Seem mainly intended to confuse
 We poor Sysops who always must contend

 With phone bills and electric costs
 Important mail that just gets lost
 And fanac that are going 'round the bend!

 Good Night, FidoNet, how are ya?
 Say, doncha know me, I'm just havin' fun
 I'm the Sysop they call "Kitty of North Tempe"
 I'll download a thousand files before I'm done!


 This is done in rather tongue-in-cheek honor of Kitty, who keeps Arizona
 FurFandom linked up with the rest of you nice folx, often at peril of personal
 life and limb! Well, maybe not limb... :)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Magtapes Roasting
Original : Chestnuts Roasting
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Magtapes Roasting

		      (to Chestnuts Roasting)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     Magtapes roasting on an open fire.
     DECtapes lying on the floor.
     All nasty files being thrown on a pyre.
     And ops.sav's around no more.

     Everybody knew a tape search would be drawing near,
     Tried to get their tapes from W.A.C.C.C.
     But big EGP, with a smile ear to ear,
     Refused to give the DECtapes back.

     They knew that doom was on its way.
     They're losing "test" and other goodies on this day.
     And every UFD that isn't nice
     Will be deleted once...or maybe even twice.

     So we're offering this simple song
     To all kids who like to hack.
     Only do what's right...don't get caught doing wrong.
     Merry Christmas from W.A.C.C.C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Maven
Original : The Raven
Group    : E.A. Poe
Author   : The Dragon
Intro    :
Song     :

			   The Maven

Once upon a weekend weary, while I pondered, beat and bleary,
Over many a faintly printed hexadecimal dump of core --
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some Source user chatting, chatting of some Mavenlore.
"Just a power glitch," I muttered, "printing out an underscore --
		 Just a glitch and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember that old Teletype ASR,
And the paper tape dispenser left its chad upon the floor.
Eagerly I thought, "Tomorrow, maybe I will go and borrow
>From my friend an Apple micro -- micro with a monitor --
So that I can chat at leisure, and then throw away my paper --
		 Lying all across the floor.
And the repetitious tapping which had nearly caught me napping
Woke me -- and convinced me that it could not be an underscore;
Appearances can be deceiving, so I sat there, still believing;
"My terminal must be receiving more express mail from the Source --
That's it -- my terminal's receiving new express mail from the Source;
		 Posted mail and nothing more."

But my curiosity grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
I stood up and crossed the room to see what waited there in store.
Sticking up from the terminal were three inches or so of paper;
Carefully my trembling hand tore off the scrap, and then I swore --
"What is this?", I cried in anger -- here I threw it to the floor;
		 Blankness there and nothing more.

Deep into its workings peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
What could cause the thing to stutter, dropping twenty lines or more?
But the ribbon was unbroken, and the "HERE IS" gave no token,
I thought the Teletype was broken, so I typed the number "4"!
This I typed, and then the modem echoed back the number "4" --
		 Merely this and nothing more.

Back then to my work returning, with my temper slowly burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping something louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is just another RESET message;
With my luck, there's probably expensive data to restore!" --
As it chattered, still I sat there, trying to complete my chore.
		 "'Tis the Source and nothing more."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the dour and cryptic Maven now whose words I puzzled o'er;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the seat back's plastic lining that the lamp-light fluoresced o'er,
But whose flattened plastic lining with the lamp fluorescing o'er
		 Shall compress, ah, little more!

All at once my thoughts grew clearer -- as if looking in a mirror,
Now at last I understood where I had sent the number 4!
"Look," I typed, "I was just testing -- did you think that I was jesting?
Why was it so interesting that I typed the number 4?
Did you think that you were chatting to some foolish sophomore?"
		 Quoth the Maven, "... #4?"

"Maven!" said I, "Great defender! Venerable comprehender!
Whether you began this chat, or were a victim of error,
Mystified, and yet undaunted, by this quandary confronted," --
(Could my terminal be haunted?) -- "tell me truly, I implore --
Can you understand my message? -- tell me, tell me, I implore!"
		 Quoth the Maven, "#4!"

"Maven!" said I, "Great pretender! Ancient Jewish moneylender!
By the Source that now connects us -- by the holy Oath you swore --
Tell me in your obscure wisdom if, within your distant modem,
You receive my words unbroken by backspace or underscore --
Tell me why my Teletype prints nothing but the number 4!"
		 Quoth the Maven, "#4?"

"Be that word our sign of parting, bard or friend!" I typed, upstarting --
"Get back to your aimless chatter and obnoxious Mavenlore!
Leave no token of your intent -- send no messsage that you repent!
Leave my terminal quiescent! -- Quit the chat hereinbefore!
Type control-P (or escape), and quit this chat forevermore!"
		 Quoth the Maven, "#4..."

And the Maven, notwithstanding, still is chatting, still is chatting
Over my misunderstanding of his cryptic "#4?";
And I calmly pull the cover and remove a certain lever
>From the 33ASR, which I never shall restore;
And a certain  ASCII number that lies broken on the floor
		 Shall be printed -- nevermore!

(with no  apologies whatsoever to anyone)        ...the Dragon


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Modern Software Manager
Original : I am the very model of a modern major-general
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Brad Needham
Intro    :
Song     :

		    The Modern Software Manager


	   (to the tune of a similarly titled song from
	    Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance)
			  by Brad Needham


	      Manager:
     I am the very model of a modern software manager
     I'm trimming back my budget to a point nobody can endure
     I purchased a computer that had megabytes of filing
	 space
     And only six months later heard complaints of its
	 compiling pace
     About this act I haven't even moments of remorsefulness
     I have the utmost confidence in engineers'
	 resourcefulness
     Though scheduling of time has been equated with a
	 lottery
     Adverse conditions bring about a spirit of comraderie.

	      All:
     Adverse conditions bring about a spirit of comraderie
     Adverse conditions bring about a spirit of comraderie
     Adverse conditions bring about a spirit of
	 comraderaderie!

	      Manager:
     I cannot understand why my employees are infirminal
     I simply ask that ten of them share typing at one
	 terminal
     I'm trimming back my budget to a point nobody can endure
     I am the very model of a modern software manager.

	      All:
     He's trimming back his budget to a point nobody can
	 endure
     He is the very model of a modern software manager.

	      Manager:
     When I discovered heavy use of text processing led to
	 ills
     Providing my subordinates excuses to slip schedules
     I fully analyzed the situation and I lost no time
     Administrating installation of this pretty paradigm:
     Immediate response must be considered just a luxury
     All word processing programs will be run each day from
	 dusk to three
     I cannot buy computers with the money for our creditors
     So, engineers, prepare yourselves for batch-processing
	 editors.

	      All:
     So, engineers, prepare yourselves for batch-processing
	 editors
     So, engineers, prepare yourselves for batch-processing
	 editors
     So, engineers, prepare yourselves for batch-processing
	 editeditors!

	      Manager:
     The influx of employees has amounted to an avalanche
     So I am asking everyone to get along with half a bench
     I'm trimming back my budget to a point nobody can endure
     I am the very model of a modern software manager.

	      All:
     He's trimming back his budget to a point nobody can
	 endure
     He is the very model of a modern software manager.

	      Manager:
     In fact, when I have learned that "software tools" are
	 not mechanical
     "Computer operations" not an exercise tyrannical
     That "data flow" cannot be used to measure conductivity
     And "software automation" is the key to productivity
     When I'm aware my ignorance from Dijkstra back to
	 Babbage shows
     My software education is no more than any cabbage knows
     I'll be a software manager that during loud contention
	 hears
     The knowledge and experience proceeding from my
	 engineers.

	      All:
     The knowledge and experience proceeding from his
	 engineers
     The knowledge and experience proceeding from his
	 engineers
     The knowledge and experience proceeding from his
	 enginengineers!

	      Manager:
     But until then these budget slashes some consider
	 jealousy
     In actuality belie my unrestricted zealousy
     I'm trimming back my budget to a point nobody can endure
     I am the very model of a modern software manager.

	      All:
     He's trimming back his budget to a point nobody can
	 endure
     He is the very model of a modern software manager.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Monopoly
Original : Yesterday
Group    : Beatles
Author   : Michael John Muuss
Intro    :
Song     :
			     Monopoly

			  (to Yesterday)
		       by Michael John Muuss


     Monopoly -- I thought my errors had all gone away.
     Now it looks as if they'll always stay.
     I recompiled Monopoly!

     Suddenly, it's not half the game it used to be.
     There's a core dump sitting next to me.
     Oh, Monopoly died suddenly!

     Why it had to blow, I don't know.
     What could it be?
     I did something wrong, now I long for Monopoly.

     Monopoly -- it was such an easy game to play.
     Now the logic has all gone away.
     Oh, why get me, Monopoly?

     Why it had to blow, I don't know.
     What could it be?
     I did something wrong, now I long for Monopoly.

     Monopoly -- It was such an easy game to play.
     Now I need some space to work away.
     Oh, why besiege my Monopoly?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Mr. Bossman
Original : Mr. Sandman
Group    : ?
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    : this was written around release 2.5 of a product.  There weren't
	    any particularly exciting enhancements, just a bunch of tweaking,
	    snore.
	    Any two syllable name will substitute for Bossman, as of course it
	    did in the original (Hi Gary :-).  We never did get a plum either!
Song     :

Mr. Bossman
(To the tune of: Mr. Sandman)

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Mr. Bossman, bring us a plum.
An expert system would be lots of fun.
How 'bout a new exciting project?
How 'bout some brand new source and object?

Mr. Bossman, how 'bout AI?
We'd like to do it, we'll give it a try.
Give us the word our work is no joke, Sir,
And tell that the big compiles are over.

Mr. Bossman, windows are nice.
We'd like to do them and play with some mice.
Pop-up menus would really be friendly,
And local networks are just oh so trendy.

Mr. Bossman (Yeees), take us off hold.
This boring maintenance has gotten so old.
So please bring back out happy hum.
Mr. Bossman give us, please, please, please,
Mr. Bossman give us a plum!
Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : My Favorite Hacks
Original : My Favorite Things
Group    : Rodgers and Hammerstein (?)
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

		 My Favorite Hacks
	    [to be sung to the tune of
			   My Favorite Things
	     from The Sound of Music]


Circular MAPCAR and ANDCA'd negation,
Indirect JMP auto-incrementation,
Tangled spaghetti embroidered in stacks:
These are a few of my favorite hacks.

Mismatched DEFINE-TERMIN pairs with .QUOTEing,
Misbalanced brackets for macroed remoting,
PDP-6's with chess tourney plaques:
These are a few of my favorite hacks.

LAMBDAs as GO TOs and spooling on TPLs,
Flip-flops and bit drops and TRCE's in triples,
Crufty heuristics that prune minimax:
These are a few of my favorite hacks.

When the bugs strike,
When the disks crash,
When I read this verse,
I simply remember my favorite hacks
And then I feel even worse!

		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Rodgers and Hammerstein)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : My Data are Over the Ocean
Original : My bonnie is over the ocean
Group    : Traditional (?)
Author   : Young European Radio Astronomers
Intro    : Here the beginning of "My Data are Over the Ocean", created during
	    lunch by participants of the Young European Radio Astronomers
	    Conference in September 1989 at Kharkov, (then) USSR.
	    This was inspired by a colleague, who couldn't read back in Europe
	    the tape with observational data she had written at an Hawaiian
	    observatory. The other parts of the song weren't related to
	    computers.
Song     :


(to the tune of "My bonnie is over the ocean")

My data are over the ocean,
and I cannot read them right here.
My data are over the ocean,
oh bring back my data to me.

(Chorus)
Bring back,
bring back,
oh bring back my data to me, to me!
Bring back,
bring back,
oh bring back my data to me!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : My Favorite Things
Original : My Favorite Things
Group    : ? Traditional
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :
		My Favorite Things


		(to the tune of My Favorite Things)
		      by J. Benson & J. Doll


     Card reader managers, output addresses,
     Drum operations and other such messes,
     Job names consisting of character strings --
     These are a few of my favorite things --

     Input drum managers, functions external,
     Signals and waits in a quite busy kernel;
     All of the heartbreaks that debugging brings,
     These are a few of my favorite things --

     Chorus:
	      Run-time errors,
	      Missing modules,
	      Sleep I haven't had.
	      I simply remember my favorite things
	      And then I still feel real bad!

     Five job descriptors and processes blocking,
     Go see Ray Hookway with both my knees knocking;
     Red eyes encircled by darkening rings,
     These are a few of my favorite things--

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : My Favourite Things
Original : My Favourite Things
Group    : ? Traditional
Author   : Fred Curtis
Intro    :
Song     :

To be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things"
written by Fred Curtis

	Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
	Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
	Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
	These are a few of my favourite things.

	Bach on a CD and good indentation;
	Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
	Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
	These are a few of my favourite things.

	When the bug bites! When core dumps!
	When the machine's had the <proverbial>
	I simply remember my favourite things
	And then I don't fell so sick.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : My Program Lies in the DEC-20
Original : My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Sherna Burley
Intro    :
Song     :
		   My Program Lies in the DEC-20

		(to My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)
			 by Sherna Burley


     My program lies in the DEC-20.
     It's screwed up as screwed up can be.
     It's bugs, they have bugs which are buggered.
     Oh, give back my program to me.  Give back...

     My program was pure, sweet, and simple.
     An op'rator using a line
     Played pimp for a rogue name of Hasp and
     With him she was sharing her time.  Give back...

     He showed her the lights of DEC-20.
     He showed her a bit of the core.
     Now my program will run on the nine months
     And the output crawls over the floor.  Give back...

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Network Pie
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Ken Kaufman <kaufman@uiucdcs.UUCP>
Intro    :
Song     :

Copyright (c) MCMLXXXIV by Ken Kaufman (if it matters)
Sung to the tune of "American Pie"  (the 7 minute version)


A long long time ago
I can still remember how the newsgroups used to make me smile.
And I knew if I'd had my way I'd have something clever to say,
Or at least flame articles that weren't my style.
But I found net.religion boring;
Net.waterbeds left me snoring.
Liberals and right wingers were net.politics mudslingers.
I can't remember if I could laugh when 10 people flamed my speling gaffe.
But net.women.only was undistaff the day net.wombat died.

So ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

Did you say you love net.books?
Are worms your name for computer crooks if "a hacker" fits you so?
Now do you believe in net.jokes.d?
Can you pay without an ID if your purchase is 90 bucks or so?
Well I know that you can sympathize; net.tv leaves me hypnotized.
But you can always choose to discuss six Doctor Whos.
I wrote anonymously to net.flame;  in net.jokes I used another name.
But I knew it would all be the same the day net.wombat died.

I started singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

Now for ten years we've all been on line the unix-wizards are doing fine,
But that's not how it used to be
When wombats were still quite unknown, before we left net.test alone
And New Yorkers had to sin illegally.
Oh but while our machine had gone down we could not get our mail from Brown
Or the whole Pacific Coast.  So could you all please repost?
And while driving home I was tailgated for leaving my jokes unrotated.
No sanity was demonstrated the day net.wombat died.

We were singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

Astro.expert and/or bio.expert and soon net.battle.of.the.sexpert
Because no one could find a better name.
Net.caveat or net.consumer; perhaps net.ripoff or net.product.humor
Or net.what.company.should.we.blame?
Well, I think you should be arrested (Your parentheses were (triply) nested!)
I would have followed up ... Oh, but my note was swallowed up!
Vegetarians ranted and the hunters raved; the Whoppers were McMicrowaved.
Do you recall what files we saved the day net.wombat died?

We started singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

And there we were all in one place - maybe net.astro or perhaps net.space
With no time left to start again.
So come on - Bio fans, please be patient while physicists discuss creation
and net.tv.da comes to a fiery end.
And as I watched it on the screen, my hands got tense, my face grew mean.
No M.O.any-S. could clean up this net.mess
And the news arrived at this network site with the results of the long fight -
Wombat haters chuckled with delight ... the day net.wombat died.

We were singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

I met a woman (that's not a girl!) and asked for news from the wombat world
But she just smiled and turned away.
I saw a clever bumper sticker that years ago would make me snicker
But it couldn't even raise a smile today.
And on the net chess players gamed, joke readers laughed, and insultees flamed,
But it had all been tried ... I committed net.suicide.
And the newsgroups I enjoyed the most were shut down; no one cared to post.
Users logged off from coast to coast the day net.wombat died.

And they were singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die ... If rejected I'm sure to die.

They were singing ...
Bye bye, net.records has run dry.
Won't you paean net.wobegon, they ask with a sigh.
net.singles readers think that I am being too shy saying
If rejected I'm sure to die.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Not a boolean
Original : Blowin' in the wind
Group    : Bob Dylan
Author   : Joerg Anslik (janslik@leibniz.GUN.de)
Intro    :
Song     :

*****************
* NOT A BOOLEAN *
*****************

1. How many code must a man type in
   Before you can call him a man?
   How many C must a compiler process
   Before it can sleep in the RAM?
   How many times must MS-DOS crash
   Before it is forever banned?

R. The answer, my friend
   Is not a boolean
   The answer is not a boolean.

2. How many times must a man read his source
   Before he can see what is wrong?
   How many memory must his system have
   Before he can use 'unsigned long'?
   How many errors will it take till he knows
   That there's still some work to be done?

R.

3. How many years can a program exist
   Before it's erased from drive C:\ ?
   How many years must known bugs exist
   Before you get an update for free?
   How many times can a drive move its head
   And pretend there's no data to read?

R.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Ode to Amy (or: The Frontend Shuffle)
Original : The Longest Time
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    : This is the best in a long line of songs I wrote for departing
	    coworkers.
Song     :


Ode to Amy
or
The Frontend Shuffle

(To the tune of: The Longest Time, Billy Joel)

If you said the deadline was tonight,
There would still be functions left to write.
What else could I do?
I get the frontend from you.
And I'll be coding for the longest time.

Once I thought enhancements we all done.
Now I know the battle can't be won.
The boss will find me,
Give me work and then remind me.
That I'll be coding for the longest time.

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall.
And we need a miracle that's all.
Because we need you.
And I know we'll want to see you.
'Cause we'll be coding for the longest time.

Maybe this wont last very long,
The new fix is right, but I could be wrong.
Maybe I've been coding too hard,
But I've come this far, and a bonus I hoped for.

Who knows how much further we'll go on.
Frontend will be broken when you're gone.
I'll take my chances,
I forgot this disk drive dances
And I'll be coding for the longest time.

I had second thoughts at the start.
I said to myself I hope that she's smart.
Now I know the woman that you are.
Your coding is bizarre,
But it's more that I hoped for.

I don't care what consequence it brings.
Kludge it and get on to other things.
This code is so bad.
I think you ought to know that
I intend to debug for the longest time.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Ode To Menu Systems
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ? Richard Fowell
Intro    :
Song     :

			Ode To Menu Systems

		   by Richard Fowell (probably)

	I think that nothing I shall see's
	As ugly as a menu tree.
	For when from leaf to leaf I'd leap,
	Along the branches I must creep.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : old bit stream
Original : Old Mill Stream
Group    : ?
Author   : Timothy P. Cheney <tcheney@SSDC.SAS.UPENN.EDU>
Intro    : I'm picking the IHC's very own quartet the Cyber Dans to
	   win it all with their version of "Old Mill Stream"
Song     :

My darling I am dreaming of the time we met,
When you and I were newbies on the Internet.
My hardware's obsolete now, and all my software, too,
But still I will remember where I first met you.

Down by the old bit stream,
where I e-mailed you,
Your reply came through,
And my mailbox grew.

From your .sig I knew, (Bass: from your .sig file I knew, I knew)
That you loved me, too.

You were sixteen,
And eight bit clean,
Down by the old bit stream.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Ole McMowle
Original : Old McDonald
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Laubenheimer
Intro    : Prof. Mowle ran the micro lab at pur-ee
Song     :


			    Ole McMowle

		   (to the tune of Old McDonald)
		       by Bill Laubenheimer


     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O
     and in this lab he had some Intels
     P I A I/O
     with a 8080 here and an 8080 there
     here 80 there 80
     everywhere an 8080
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

     and in this lab he had some SWTPCs
     P I A I/O
     with a MICBUG here and a MICBUG there
     here a MIC there a BUG
     everywhere a MICBUG
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

     and in this lab he had some students
     P I A I/O
     with a grad student here and a grad student there
     here a grad there a grad
     but everywhere an undergrad
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

     and in this lab he had some ADMs
     P I A I/O
     with a green screen here and a white screen there
     here a green there a white
     students typing day and night
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

     and in this lab he had a printer
     P I A I/O
     with a page feed here and a page feed there
     page here page there
     paper paper everywhere
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

     and in this lab you'll find McMowle
     P I A I/Oing
     with a DON'T TOUCH here and a DON'T TOUCH there (note
	 upper case)
     on a micro here and a terminal there
     tieing up equipment everywhere
     Ole McMowle he had a lab
     P I A I/O

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : On the Net
Original : Over There
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

			    On the Net

			  (to Over There)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller

     On the net,
     On the net,
     Hacking on
     All night long
     On the net.
     All the network systems,
     We're gonna list 'em
     And snarf anything that we can get.
     On the net,
     On the net,
     Hacking here,
     Hacking there
     On the net.
     We'll find a modem
     And then uncode'em.
     Then we'll log into every system on the net.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : On our First Day on Usenet
Original : The 12 days of Xmas
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Laura Glenn <opje@proper.UUCP>
Intro    : More than enough days of usenet
Song     :

on our first day on usenet the mailer sent to me
a reject from uucp...    (an unsent message. trouble was, it kept retrying
			   once an hour, so regular as clockwork, i got a
			   copy of the transmit session and a random piece
			   of my message -  never enough to resend it, of
			   course!)

on the second day on usenet, upon my crt (were)
two 'rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the third day on usenet, tom truscott sent to me
three new scripts,      (1 patch to inews and two patches to the patch!)
two 'rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the fourth day on usenet, readnews had for me:
four net.flames      (what... only four?!)
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the fifth day on usenet, plain for all to see (were)
five hundred lines!   (all in one message, mind you...brief and to the point!)
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the sixth day of usenet, our postnews gave to me
six orphaned responses,     (darn thing never *did* get it right!)
five hundred lines!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp....

on the seventh day on usenet, our adm gave to me
seven added newsgroups      (all dealing with the same topic, of course.)
six orphaned responses,
five hundred lines!!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the eighth day on usenet 'sf-lovers' gave to me
eight Doctor Who fans,             (even after we give them their own group!)
seven added newsgroups,
six orphaned responses,
five hundred lines!!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the ninth day on usenet my mbox had for me
nine chain letters,             (yep... the same one that was finally posted.)
eight Doctor Who fans,
seven added newsgroups,
six orphaned responses,
five hundred lines!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the tenth day on usenet, the df showed to me
ten blocks of disk space           (left, that is...)
nine chain letters,
eight Doctor Who fans,
seven added newsgroups,
six orphaned responses,
five hundred lines!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the eleventh day on usenet, the phone bill came to me:
eleven calls to europe,       (gee, i didn't know we had a *direct* uucp link
ten blocks of disk space,                                       ...to mcvax!)
nine chain letters,
eght Doctor Who fans,
seven added newsgroups,
six orphaned responses,
five hundred lines!
four net.flames,
three new scripts,
two rot 13's and
a reject from uucp...

on the twelfth day on usenet, i read despairingly:
 -------------------------------------------------
 |                                               |
 |    Your USENET administrator has taken your   |
 |    site off the net. For further information  |
 |    contact Pacific Bell re: your system's     |
 |    $1300 phone bill.                          |
 |                        Sincerely,             |
 |                          The Management.      |
 |                                               |
 -------------------------------------------------


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Over Hill, Over Caile
Original : As the Cassions go Rolling Along
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :
		       Over Hill, Over Caile

	       (to As the Cassions go Rolling Along)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder

     Over hill, over caile,
     We will hit the macro trail
     As our program goes crunching along!

     Read stuff in.
     Take the sum.
     Do your output to the drum
     As our program goes crunching along!

     For it's push, move, pop,
     Execute a FORTRAN stop,
     Shout out your opcodes loud and strong:

     CAIN!! JRST!!

     We will bomb as we
     Overwrite our UFD
     And our program goes crunching along!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : PCs are PCs
Original : People are People
Group    : Depeche Mode
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

	PCs are PCs
	-------------

    PCs are PCs
    So why should it be
    Yours and mine communicate so awfully

    PCs are PCs
    So why should it be
    We cannot communicate with the RS-232C?

    So they're different makes
    And they're different breeds
    And different PCs have different needs
    You tell me that you hate this
    That I've done something wrong
    I've only followed the manual so what could
    I have done

    I can't comprehend
    Why aren't the bytes
    At the other end
    Help me comprehend

    Help me comprehend

    Now it's punching
    And it's clicking
    And it's beeping at me
    I'm relying on the salesman's guarantee
    So far no bytes have surfaced
    Of the ones that I sought
    They just take a while to travel
    From its RAM to its port

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : P-I-F-FO
Original : BINGO
Group    : ?
Author   : Aubrey Philipsz
Intro    :
Song     :


There is a network you can hack
And AUTOVON's it's name-o
P-I-F-FO
P-I-F-FO
P-I-F-FO
And AUTOVON's it's name-o


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Please Release Me
Original : Please Release Me
Group    : Englebert Humperdinck
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


Please Release Me

Please release me let me go,
My bugs aren't major anymore.
To waste your time would be a sin.
Release me, to Beta once again.

I have found a new bug here,
Too late to fix it now I fear,
You can't boot warm, but must boot cold.
Release me, the users never know.

Please release me can't you see,
You'd be a fool to cling to me.
That's not a bug, but feature, dear.
Release me, don't wait another year.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : PLIate's Dream
Original : Pilate's Dream
Group    : from Jesus Christ Superstar
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

		  PLIate's Dream

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		  Pilate's Dream
	   from Jesus Christ Superstar]


I dreamed I was a brand new language,
The ultimate in speed;
I handled strings as fast as RPG,
And twice as easily.

I crunched numbers like COBOL,
Trees like APL,
And FORTRAN loaned its FORMATs and GO TOs,
The cause of many screws.

And then a man said, "Now we'll write a monitor,
With Multics what it's for.
Our project is begun;
We'll code in PL/I."

Then I saw thousands of coders
Searching for their bugs,
And then I heard them mentioning my name
And leaving me the blame.


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Rice and Webber)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : POOR PURE PERCY P
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

Percy P was a mathematician
	whose "pureness" was never denied.
But he found one day, to his sorrow,
	that his theorems had been applied!
He had used all the standard precautions;
	his papers were pointedly dry!
But his own esoteric notation
	had been solved by a physicist spy!

The colloquium buzzed with the gossip;
	he could offer no valid excuse.
Percy P was a traitor of traitors,
	for his work was of PRACTICAL USE!
Nobody dared to defend him.
	Could it be that he'd plead the crime
That his work was just then needed
	to effect quantization of time?

Ignored when he joined conversations;
	one would think that he poisoned the air.
And he felt on his way to the office -
	a new man might be in his chair.
A committee was in operation,
	working twenty four hours a day,
Deleting his name from the journals,
	and throwing his reprints away.

He knew where his future was leading,
	no sense in prolonging the pain;
He left with a handful of papers,
	and never was heard from again.
So take heed all you mathematicians
	who pretend your endeavor is pure;
Tho' your luck may hold for a decade,
	in the end you can never be sure.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Programmer
Original : SledgeHammer
Group    : Peter Gabriel
Author   : ?
Intro    : (to the tune of "SledgeHammer".  Apologies to Peter Gabriel)
Song     :


	 You could have some FORTRAN.
	 I will write your subroutine
	 You could have some C and Ada
	 I will rev up your machine

	 Why don't you just hire me?
	 I'll code anything you need

	 You can have some Pascal;
	 You type 'IF' and I'll type 'THEN'
	 You can have some Lisp code 'EVAL'-ing
	 May the recursion never end!

	 (I wanna be your) Programmer!
	 Why don't you use my code!
	 (Let me be your) Programmer!
	 Just compile and load, no problem

	 I can deal with SNOBOL
	 I can even handle APL
	 But I won't deal with COBOL
	 No one can put me through that hell!

	 (I wanna be your) Programmer!
	 Go on and use my code
	 (So let me be your) Programmer!
	 Just compile and load, and run it
	 Hey, look at ME! (I'm a) Programmer!
	 An algorithms' man
	 (So nice to be a) Programmer
	 I'm raking fifty grand, just writing
	 code.
	 Code.
	 Programmer!

	 (interlude)

	 I LIKE TO HACK!

	 I dig assembler (dig assembler)
	 Wrote my HEX2BIN
	 I built the kernel (oh, what a kernel!)
	 Put my drivers in
	 (yeah yeah yeah) Load for me! (load for me)
	 I will port you through
	 Load for me! (load for me)
	 I will port you through

	 I want real neat tools!
	 I wanna build compilers!  Build compilers now!
	 NOW!
	 I want, I want microcode!
	 I want, I want microcode!

	 YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC YACC  YACC!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Programmer's Blues
Original : Smuggler's Blues
Group    : Glenn Frye
Author   : <wyvern@agora.rain.com>, Mark E. Sunderlin <megabyte@chinet.UUCP>
Intro    :
Song     :


		      "The Programmer's Blues"
			by Robert J. Woodhead
 		   (Cleaned up by Dr. Megabyte)
		     with apologies to Glen Frye

     There's trouble in the data now, I can feel it in my bones,
     I had a premonition that I should'nt code alone,
     I had the new dos loaded but I didn't think it'd fry,
     Then everything exploded and 2 weeks work blew sky-high!

     So baby here's a printout and a keyboard for your hand,
     And here's a little floppy, now do it just the way we planned,
     You debug for 20 days and I'll pay you 20 grand!

     I'm sorry it went down like this, but some chip had to fuse,
     It's the typing of the language, It's the Programmer's Blues...

     Programmer's Blues...

     Coder's and the Analyst's, Hackers and Sysops,
     Bad comments and strange bomboffs, and the bugs nobody copped,
     No matter if it's Pascal, Basic or Cobol,
     You've got to carry manuals, there's no online help at all!

     It's lots of rotten coffee, and lot's of lousy food,
     Every variable name is dangerous, it might have been pre-used,
     It's the lure of relaxed typing, it's so easy to be crude!

     Perhaps you'll understand it better, when you see my tools,
     It's the ultimate enhancement, it's the Programmer's Blues!

     Programmer's Blues...

     You see it in their memos, you read them every day,
     They say you have to fix those bugs, but they just don't go away,
     No matter how hard you work, it just won't run OK,
     You bury them in subroutines, but you know they're here to stay!

     You hope that none'll notice them, but they always seem to do,
     You beg for Beta testing, maybe one will give a clue,
     Down from the office of your manager, you learn the heat's on you..

     Heat's on you..

     It's a losing proposition, but one you can't refuse,
     It's policies of debugging, it's the Programmer's Blues...

     Programmer's Blues!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Programmer's Viewpoint
Original : My favorite things
Group    : ? (traditional)
Author   : Greywolf <greywolf@autodesk.com>
Intro    :
Song     :

	The programmer's viewpoint
( to the tune of "My favorite things" )
	( Lyrics by greywolf )

This routine sets up some pointers to functions,
And this one completely reverses conjunctions,
This function here turns your trees into rings,
And does other rather unusual things...

Pointers to longwords with external labels,
Pointers to structures in segmented tables,
Pointers to pointers to pointers to strings
(This code does some *rather* unorthodox things...!)

Unions and structures and macros included,
Some of which seem to be quite convoluted,
Library calls make the network go "ping!"
(And other sometimes inexplicable things)

When the crash comes, when the core dumps
When the data fries,
I simply recall these unusual things
..then I know *why* it dies.

Assemblers, preprocessors, dynamic loaders,
Linkers, compilers, and optimized coders,
Debuggers and dumpers and archivers bring
Online a programmer's favourite things...

Scanners and parsers and string tokenizers,
And lexicographical line analyzers,
Tools that make endless arrays of the strings,
These are some more of a programmer's things...

Debuggers and coredumps and function backtraces,
Registers, breakpoints and strange interfaces,
Contexts and byte-ordering problems do cling,
but these are a programmer's *favourite* things (uck!)

When the core dumps, and the disk hangs,
and the program dies,
"Well, hey, it did just what I told it to do
-- Tell the Boss that my program *flies*!"


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Programs
Original : Sunshine on My Shoulders
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :
			     Programs

		   (to Sunshine on My Shoulders)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller

     Chorus:
	      Programs on 360 make me happy.
	      Programs on DEC-10 can make me cry.
	      Programs on 11 are so easy.
	      Programs in computers make me high.

     If I had a core that was empty,
     I'd let you make large file after file.
     If I had a disk that I could spin for you,
     I'd give you space to last for quite a while.

     (Chorus)

     If I had a tape with won'drous programs,
     I'd let you run seawar by the mile.
     If I had the system that was big enough,
     I'd let you save each and every file.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Puff the Fractal Dragon
Original : Puff the Magic Dragon
Group    : Peter, Paul and Mary / The Seekers?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Puff the Fractal Dragon (to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon)
--------------------------------------------------------------

No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
CHORUS:
      Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
      And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
      Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
      And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
	       (chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
	       (chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Rawhide
Original : Rawhide
Group    : Blues Brothers
Author   : Michael Weber <bytewurm@messua.informatik.rwth-aachen.de>
Intro    :
Song     :


(based on RAWHIDE from BluesBrothers)
-------------------------------------

Rolling, rolling, rolling,
When the screens are scrolling,
Keep the Mouses rolling - Rawhide

Cores and Shells and dither
Dust bin forever
Wishin` my disk was in my drive
All the things I`m missin`
Good Ops, Kills and Listings
Are waiting at the end of my file


Move `em on
Hit `em up
Move `em on
Rawhide

Cut `em out
Ride `em in
Cut `em out
Ride `em in
Rawhide


Keep hackin`, hackin`, hackin`
While Sysop isn`t checkin`
Keep other users crackin` - Rawhide

I don`t understand her
My program has an error
Soon I will turn that system off
My C-Shell isn`t workin`
The Admin catched me lurkin`
Lurkin` at the end of my file


Move `em on
Hit `em up
Move `em on
Rawhide

Cut `em out
Ride `em in
Cut `em out
Ride `em in
Rawhide


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The RSX Backup Song ("Are we back up yet?")
Original : To the tune of:  "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
Group    :
Author   : (probably by Bruce Mitchell)
Info     :  Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
	    Note that ROLLIN was the first backup program on RSX, but normally
	    only ran off the Diagnostic tape system. All the other mentions are
	    later attempts at writing the perfect backup program.
Song     :

Dave Cutler wrote RSX V1,
The kit fit on one magtape then,
The baseline came in in 5 minutes!
My Ghod, how the files ROLLIN!

Refrain:
ROLLIN, ROLLIN, my Ghod, how the files ROLLIN, ROLLIN!
ROLLIN, ROLLIN, my Ghod, how the files ROLLIN, ROLLIN!

PRESRV you can boot from a magtape,
The files go out and come in,
Just don't try to do single files!
My Ghod, how the files ROLLIN!

(Refrain)

Disk Save and Corrupt, it works real good,
Whoever wrote it must have grinned,
The index file moves to the low blocks!
My Ghod, how the files ROLLIN!

(Refrain)

LUsers back files up with BRU now,
The magtapes it writes are a sin,
They don't read on VMS BACKUP!
My Ghod, how the files ROLLIN!

(Refrain)

Myself, I write DOS FLX tapes,
A copy in ANSI for grins,
But mainly, all my disks are shadowed!
My Ghod, how the files ROLLIN!

(Refrain)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The RSX Support Song ("Thank you for your SPR")
Original : "Send Lawyers, Guns and Money"
Group    :
Author   :
Info     :  Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
Song     :

I tried to do some realtime
The way I always do
How was I to know
We were running DECnet, too?

I was cutting up a driver
I took a little risk
Send Dave and Clarke and Howard
DEC, get me out of this!

I'm the innocent programmer
But somehow I got stuck
Between Big Blue and the VAX SIG
And the system is down
Yes the system is down
Well the system is down

Now I'm writing code in Basic
I'm a desperate man
Send Ralph and Jim and Brian
The shit has hit the fan

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The RSX VMS Lovers Song ("Wow, there's lots of stuff on that VAX")
Original : "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands"
Group    :
Author   : (probably by Bruce Mitchell)
Info     :  Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
	For some time there was a tradition at DECUS symposia that the RSX SIG
	would do something to disrupt the VAX SIG. (Once they kidnapped the
	VAX SIG chair, along with the sofa she was relcining on. They managed
	to ransom the sofa for a six-pack of beer, but had to pay to have the
	VAX SIG take their Chair back.) Anyway, the following song was sung to
	the VAX SIG by the assembled RSX SIG at a recent symposia.
Song     :

He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud on his VAX.

He's got DEC star couplers, on his VAX,
He's got Britton Lee, on his VAX,
He's got full DECservice, on his VAX,
He's got expensive crud on his VAX.

He's got real-time, on his VAX,
He's got Datatrieve, on his VAX,
He's got VMS, on his VAX,
He's got slow crud on his VAX.

He's got office automation, on his VAX,
He's got All-in-One, on his VAX,
He's got security up the ying-yang, on his VAX,
He's got management on his VAX.

He's got VAX/ELAN, on his VAX,
He's got ANSI DIBOL, on his VAX,
He's got RPG, on his VAX,
He's got useless crud on his VAX.

He's got gigundo disks, on his VAX,
He's got max warp speed, on his VAX,
He's got unlimited POOL, on his VAX,
He's got some decent stuff on his VAX.

He's got BLISS-16, on his VAX,
He's got TOPS-20 emulation, on his VAX,
He's got Fidonet, on his VAX,
He's got bizarre crud on his VAX.

He's got 1000 users, on his VAX,
He's got 40 LAT servers, on his VAX,
He's got the King James Bible, on his VAX,
He's got the whole world on his VAX.

He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud, on his VAX,
He's got lotsa crud on his VAX!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Script for a Hacker's Tear
Original : Script for a Jester's Tear
Group    : Marillion
Author   : Thomas Koenig <ib09@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de>, Hubert Schaefer
Intro    : Amazing how adaptive the original is, there wasn't much
	    to change :-)
Song     :


    Script for a Hacker's Tear

So here I am once more in the playground
  of the broken hacks
one more experience, one more entry in
  the logfile, self - typed
yet another programming suicide
  overdosed on caffeine and bytes
Too late to say I'll fix it
  too late to remount the drive
abandoning the listings
  of projects no longer alive

I'm losing on this VAX, I'm losing
  with these system calls
I'm losing on this VAX, I'm losing
  with these system calls
Too much, too soon, too far, to go, too late
  to type, this hack is over
This hack is over

So here I am once more
  in the playground of the broken hacks
I'm losing on this VAX, losing with
  these system calls, this hack is over,
over

Yet another programming suicide
  overdosed on caffeine and bytes
I'm losing on this VAX, I'm losing
  with these system calls, this hack is
over

Too late to say I'll fix it
  too late to remount the drive
The hack is over


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Sentimental Berwald
Original : Sentimental Journey
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson & J. Doll
Intro    :
Song     :
			 Sentimental Berwald

	       (to the tune of Sentimental Journey)
		      by J. Benson & J. Doll

     Gonna plug some wires into my plugboard
     Gonna get my Berwald checked out.
     Gonna plug some wires into my plugboard,
     Get it done without a doubt.

     Seven,
     That's the time we meet, at seven.
     We'll be here till past eleven
     Counting every transfer on the bus,
     No frills, no fuss.

     Gonna write a micro-coded program,
     Gonna play with zeroes and ones.
     Gonna write a micro-coded program,
     Gonna have a whole lot of fun.

     Glitches,
     We don't want to see those glitches,
     Would it help to flip the switches?
     Thirty times my board has been rewired,
     I feel so tired.

     Gonna get my interrupts all serviced
     With a nifty little routine.
     Gonna get my interrupts all serviced,
     Be the best thing we've ever seen!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : SIGHUP Blues
Original : Bluebottle Blues
Group    : Milligan and Carbone
Author   : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro    : Adapted from the "Bluebottle Blues"
	    featuring Maurice Plonk and his Orchestra Fromage, with
	    Nick Rauchen conducting "The Ball's Pond Road, near the One
	    in Harmony".
	    In reality written by Milligan and Carbone, recorded 24/05/56.
Song     :


SIGHUP Blues
------------
By Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)

<Big musical introduction. Sound of door opening, and our
hero Process Bluebottle (P) runs up to microphone, where the
Kernel (K) is wait(2)ing.>


P:	PING 255.255.255.255! <boos, rasperberries>
K:	Just the process I've been looking for.
P:	Oh!
K:	<sings>
	Clamber into my disk heads, Fred
	Whence all but you have exec'd, Fred
	There is no contesting,
	I've no way of manefesting
	How much I'd prefer you dead, Fred
P:	Oh I'm glad you like me, my Kernel
	Because I trust you to.
K:	Gratifiy your wim, Jim.
P:	Jim? What happened to Fred?
K:	He mv'd his name.
P:	What to?
K:	Chunky.
	Tell me, can you catch Jim?
P:	No, Jim can not catch.
K:	Then open this named pipe, son
	On the file system, son
	Which I have carefully arranged
		so it will open up and throw you
		into thirty K of NULLs
		when you upset the pipe by reading
		from it, Jim.
P:	I say, it's not for deading me, is it Kernel?
K:	Oh course not, dear boy! Just read from it a bit further!
P: 	Righty-ho then.  Ahh. Here I am on the edge of the nice
		little named-type pipe.  It is a lovely day for
		a naughty pipe.  <CRUNCH!>
		
	YAHHH! You've swamped me.
	I do not like this game.
	
	<sings>
	I've got those "When I say I trust you I do not want to be KILLed
	because I do not like those kind of signals" Blues.
	I don't like naughty files that give my gets(3) binary data.
	(They say harm can come to a growing process like that)
	And I do not like SIGQUITs that longjmp me back to main()
	Out of my reniced batch queue
	I don't like being woken by nasty SIGALRM showers
	And I do not like being nutted by Eifel and Fortran programs
	So I do not want to be KILLed, HUPed, TERMed, QUITed, XCPUed
		INTed!
	I don't like that kind of type blues -- I don't like that
	I've got them SIGHUP Blues.
	
K: Still alive?
	Take this /dev/tty, pet.
P:	Oh tar(1).
K:	No, don't iocntl it yet, pet.
	<off> All right, now you can iocntl it.
P:	Are you sure I won't be KILLed or nothing, Kernel?
K:	<off> No, no -- don't be frightened!
P:	All right then, I'll just send a DUP to it,
	and .... < BOOOM>
	
	< over explosion >
	
	You rotten swine you!  You HUPed me again.
	I shan't play this rotten game no more.
	
	Closes open files, pages out memory
	And exists through little hole in Mail deamon security...
	
	<sound of disk head crashing>


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Silicon Valley Guy
Original : Valley Girls
Group    : Moonunit Zappa
Author   : Don Data and the Res-Tones :-)
Intro    :
Song     :


Spoken: Hey, anybody seen my beeper?

Sung:
Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
Silicon Valley guy
Flip on tie, and tennis shoes
Thinks he's flip           (not sure about
but he's blown a fuse       these two)
Hangs out at the Radio Shack
buyin' chips for his UNIVAC
He's a...

Spoken: Naw, that one's not mine.  Well anyway, it was complete chip burnout
with floppy disk failure.  A real total system dump, you know?  For certain!
And I told the output user, "Hey, would I de-res my own program?  C'mon
man, don't call me, call PG&E!  Hey, go somewhere and have a meltdown, man,
like, burn out!"  Then I went down to the Shack to get some sub-dip-miniature
relays?  And get this, the salesman gave me a new plastic pocket protector!

Sung:
Look out Intel, here he comes
He's the king of computer runs
Got his degree from M.I.T.
Knows square roots to infinity

Spoken: I scanned that new program down in word processing?  The one with the
huge memory banks?  Yea--Julie!  Punch my code, I am certain!  When I first saw
her I thought, "Woa!  Give me a microsecond, could I trip her kip relay or
what?"  She sorta smiles at me and I'm thinking, "I have got to access this
chick."  But should I go subroutine or main program, you know?  So I just
suddenly invade her spacial arena and introduce myself for starts.  Hi, I'm
Ray Fifo.

Sung:
Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
Silicon Valley guy
Flip on tie, and tennis shoes
Thinks he's flip           (still not sure about
but he's blown a fuse       these two)
Hangs out at the Radio Shack
buyin' chips for his UNIVAC
He's a...

Spoken: So after a few casual edit statements, I can tell this unit really
digs me.  I mean it's modem to the max, the program computes, right?  We
make plans to meet at her place and I get there and she is online, I mean,
like, she's wearing all this software.  I'm calculating the access time
to her front-end processor and there is phase jitter entering all my charge
couple devices!  Her ambia-temperature's (?) rising!  And she is alpha-fluxing
right before my eyes!  We skipped dinner.

Sung:
Look out Intel, here he comes
He's the king of computer runs
Got his degree from M.I.T.
Knows square roots to infinity

After a RAM refresh time interval she says to me, "Ray, I'm all decoded now.
I think yo better go"  And I say, "OK program, I can handle the end sum."
"And Ray," she says, "I hope you won't de-res me in the morning."  And I
say, "Moi?  De-res a cute litte program like you?  Hey, I'm a Silicon Valley
Guy."

Sung:
Valley guy, he's a valley Guy
Silcon Valley guy (continues to end)

Spoken:
Come here you catalystic data, you!  Give master control a little phase jitter.
Punch my code!  Did I ever show you my cathode ray?  It is really tubular!
Gag me with a microchip.  Hey, where is my beeper?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Software for Nothing
Original : Money for Nothing
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Brent CJ Britton
Intro    :
Song     :

			   Software for Nothing
			   ====================
			   by: Brent CJ Britton

With appoligies to Mark Knopfler.


I waaaant my.. I waaaant my... I waaaant my C-R-T......

Now look at them hackers,
That's the way ya' do it.
Ya' play with mem'ry that you cannot see.
Now that ain't workin, that's the way ya do it.
Get your software for nothing and your chips for free.

Now that ain't workin, gotta CPU-it.
Let me tell ya, them guys ain't dumb.
Maybe crash the system with your little finger,
Maybe crash the system with your thumb.

    We got to install micro-data-bases,
    Gotta make things run like a breeeeze.
    We gotta help these foreign students,
    We gotta help these mindless E.E.'s...

The little Hacker with the Pepsi and the Munchos:
Yeah, buddy, don't like to SHARE...
The little Hacker got his own compiler,
The little guy don't change his underwear.

    We got to install the latest debugger,
    Under budget, and optimiiiiiiized.
    We got to have more muddy-black coffee,
    We got a green glow in our eyyyyyyes...

I shoulda' learned to play with Pascal.
I shoulda' learned to program some.
Look at that drive, I'm gonna stick it on the channel,
Man, it's better than the old one...

And who's up there, what's that?  Beeping noises?
He's bangin on the keyboard like a chimpanze.
Oh that aint workin, that's the way ya do it,
Get your software for nothin', get your chips for free.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Socket Man
Original : Rocket Man
Group    : Elton John
Author   : Wes Morgan <wes@engr.uky.edu>
Intro    : While attempting to thrash a socket-ridden BSD package to some
	    semblance of System V-ism, the following ditty camne unbidden....
Song     :

		       Socket Man
	      <with apologies to Elton John>

I got my source last night from FTP
Compiling up at 2 AM
And my system is screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaming
"Undefined" at me.....

I thumb through books, I use my 'man'
It does no good, you see
'Cause I'm on System Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
And not BSD

Chorus:
And I think it's gonna take a lot of time
'Till named pipes bring me where I get to find
That BSD's not worth a pile of slime (oh no no noooooooo)
I'm a Socket Man.....

Socket Man....burning up the CPU for days
Socket Man....hacking through the SVID maze....

Verse 2:

I've tried so many things, they all have failed,
It's lonely in the lab
And noone elllllllllsssssssssee
Has a clue....

And all the techniques I don't understand
It's just a kludge to make it work...
A Socket Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Socket Man.....

Chorus:
And I think it's gonna take a lot of time
'Till named pipes bring me where I get to find
That BSD's not worth a pile of slime (oh no no noooooooo)
I'm a Socket Man......

Socket Man.....Hacking through the piles and piles of C
Socket Man.....Building up a hate for BSD....

<Repeat Chorus and fade>


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Somewhere over the Network
Original : Somewhere over the Rainbow
Group    : (from the Wizard of Oz movie)
Author   : decvax!duke!unc!bch
Intro    :
Song     :


		    Somewhere over the Network


		      by decvax!duke!unc!bch
	    (to the tune of Somewhere over the Rainbow)


     Somewhere over the network,
     There waits news.
     News flies over the network
     To where? There are no clues.

     I sit waiting for digests,
     Can't you see
     Some small part of my heart leaps
     when I see uucp.

     Somewhere across the telephone lines,
	where Lauren plays and Upstill pines,
	they're waiting;
     The crazies who will flame at me
	on poli-sci and arms-dash-d and ARPA-gating.

     Somewhere over the network,
     news flies free,
     news flies over the network
     why not, why not to me.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : What Segment is This?
Original : Greensleeves
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

		       What Segment is This?

			 (to Greensleeves)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     What segment's this
     That, laid to rest
     On FHA0:, is sleeping?
     What system file
     Lay here a while
     While hackers around it were fweeping?

     This, this is "acct.run,"
     Accounting file for everyone.
     Dump, dump it and type it out,
     The file, the highseg of login.

     Why lies it here
     On public disk
     And why is it now unprotected?
     A bug in incant
     Made it thus.
     The problem has not been corrected.

     Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
     And copy the file somehow, somehow.
     Dump, dump it and type it out,
     The file, the highseg of login.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Song of the Certified Data Processor
Original : When I Was a Lad
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

    Song of the Certified Data Processor

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		 When I Was a Lad
	       from H.M.S. Pinafore]


When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to a computing firm.
I polished the handle of the big front door
And swept up all the card chips from the keypunch floor.
	 He swept up all the card chips from the keypunch floor.
I swept that chad so carefullee
That now I am officially a CDP.
	 He swept that chad so carefullee
	 That now he is officially a CDP.

My office job was a heavy load,
So I went to night school and learned to code.
I was soon coding payroll in RPG
And compiled all my programs on a System/3.
	 He compiled all his programs on a System/3.
I compiled my code so gay and free
That now I am officially a CDP.
	 He compiled his code so gay and free
	 That now he is officially a CDP.

I wrote efficient code each day,
But I missed the benefits of higher pay.
I asked for a raise, but my boss said, "See,
Youse ain't good enuf because youse ain't a CDP."
	 "He ain't good enuf because he ain't a CDP."
So I vowed that someday I would see
Myself become officially a CDP.
	 So he vowed that someday he would see
	 Himself become officially a CDP.

For nineteen weeks I worked to cram
All the textbooks for the CDP exam.
Then I took the exam and was shocked to see
That the questions didn't seem to mean a thing to me.
	 All the questions didn't seem to mean a thing to him.
So I wrote down some answers randomly,
But I gave up all my hopes to be a CDP.
	 So he wrote down some answers randomly,
	 But he gave up all his hopes to be a CDP.
Well, those random answers worked out fine;
They scored my results at the top of the line.
Now I am a consultant here,
And I make at least a hundred thousand bucks each year.
	 And he makes at least a hundred thousand bucks each year.
But I only command such a salary
Because I am officially a CDP.
	 But he only commands such a salary
	 Because he is officially a CDP.

Now, office boys, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
Just go and take the CDP exam,
And no matter what you answer they won't give a D--n!
	 And no matter what you answer they won't give a D--n!
Just answer it all as random as you please
And you will all officially be CDPs.
	 Just answer it all as random as you please
	 And you will all officially be CDPs.


		       -- The Great Quux
			    (with apologies to
			       Gilbert and Sullivan)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Sound of FORTRAN
Original : The Sound of Music
Group    : Rodgers and Hammerstein
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

	       The Sound of FORTRAN

	    [to be sung to the tune of
		The Sound of Music]


My programming day has come to an end, I know,
But one minor bug still restrains me, though,
So back to me desk I stumble,
More coffee I pour in my mug,
So back to me desk I stumble,
More coffee I pour in my mug,
And I drink, and I think, and I program
Just one more hack, just one more hairy kludge
To remove that bug.

Machines are alive with the sound of FORTRAN,
With numbers they've crunched for a thousand hours;
They add and subtract to the sound of FORTRAN,
And raise fractions to unheard of powers.

My code's full of REAL statements, INTEGER and COMPLEX too,
	 duplicated thrice oe'r,
And so intermixed with the WRITEs and READs
	 to cause errors galore;
Arrays are declared of dimension six, but indexed minus two;
Computed GO TOs are last in the range of a DO!

I now recompile my corrected programs;
I know I will get what compiled before --
My code will be blessed with the sound of FORTRAN,
And I'll lose once more.

And I'll lose once more.


		 -- The Great Quux
		      (with apologies to
			 Rodgers and Hammerstein)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Sounds of Silence
Original : The Sound of Silence
Group    : Simon & Garfunkel
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


THE SOUNDS OF SCIENCE

Hello lab work my old foe
I've come to feel my anger grow
I have to find your composition
Using your spectograph emission
But I can't, and I'm on my seventh try
I start to cry
These are the sounds of science

My test tube shatters with a pop
The gunk eats through the tabletop
Through all the science labs in Thimann
You can hear the students screamin'
And my own voice rises up above the rest
I'm so depressed
These are the sounds of science

The tabletop begins to smoke
The students all begin to choke
The TA hurries to my station
And then dies of asphyxiation
And I whine "I'm having trouble with this class
I hope I pass."
These are the sounds of science

The deadly smoke goes through the halls
And peels the paint right off the walls
And then I note with aggravation
This means a bad evaluation
And I breathe a long and melancholy sigh
And then I die
These are the sounds of science


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Stopcode Bells
Original : Jingle Bells
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

			  Stopcode Bells

			 (to Jingle Bells)
	    Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder

     Chorus:
	      Stopcode bells, stopcode bells,
	      Stopcode all the way.
	      Oh, what fun it is to crash
	      For the fourteenth time today.   (Repeat)

     Poking through the core
     With a bug in DDT,
     Change your PPN
     To seven comma three.
     Halt somebody's job.
     Make him scream and shout.
     Oh, what fun it is to log
     The operator out.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Structured Programmer's Soliloquy
Original : Hamlet's Soliloquy
Group    : Shakespeare
Author   : Henry Kleine and Philip H. Roberts
Intro    :
Song     :

     Structured Programmer's Soliloquy

SP or not SP -- that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The rules and exceptions of outrageous FORTRAN
Or to take arms against a sea of transfers
And by structuring end them.  To code -- to test
No more; and by a test to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural mistakes
That FORTRAN is heir to.  'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.  To code -- to test.
To test -- perchance to bomb:  aye, there's the rub!
For in that test of code what bugs may come
When we have shuffled of this FORTRAN code,
Must give us pause.  There's the respect
that makes calamity of so long lists.			[??]
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time-sharing
Th' operating systems wrong, the computer's crash,
The pangs of despis'd code, the turnaround's delay,
The insolence of compilers, and the spurns
That patient coding of FORTRAN takes
When he himself might his quietus make
with PL/I?  Who would this FORTRAN Bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary language,
But that the dread of something after FORTRAN
The undiscover'd country, from whose bourne
No programmer returns -- puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn away
And lose the name of action.

	- Henry Kleine and Philip H. Roberts
	 April DATAMATION

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Swapper
Original : The Seeker
Group    : The Who
Author   : Jamie Mason <jmason2@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca>
Intro    : Since I posted 'Unix Wizard', I thought up another Unix-specific
	    song inspired by The Who...
Song     :


The Swapper 	(Concocted by Jamie Mason to 'The Seeker' by The Who)
-----------

I've looked in kernel memory,
I've looked in the tables.
I try to find some core
For fifty million pages.
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

I asked Dennis Ritchie,
I asked Ken Thompson.
I asked comp.unix.wizards,
But they couldn't help me either.
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

People tend to hate me,
Cause I swap too slow.
As I page out their jobs
They want to shake my hand.
Focusing on swap space,
Investigating pagefaults,
I'm a pagedaemon,
I'm a very desperate hack.

Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.

I learned how to raise resident set size.
Yeah, but look at this process it's mem'ry bound!
I'm happy when you segfault,
and when you run thrash.c I crash.
I get values but I
Don't know how or why!

I'm looking for core,
You're looking for CPU,
We're running on the same box,
And we don't know what to do!
They call me the swapper.
I've been searching low and high.
Unix won't run out of memory
Till the day I die.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : SYSTEM CRASH
Original : The Monster Mash
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


	       SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")
		------------

I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...

[chorus]
(There was a crash)        There was a system crash
(A mighty crash)           I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash)           It came down in a flash
(There was a crash)        A fatal system crash

The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"

[chorus]

The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too

So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...

[chorus]

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Take me Down to the SunLab
Original : Take me Out of the Ball Game
Group    : Al Green & Mabon Hodges
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


   TAKE ME DOWN TO THE SUN LAB

Take me down to the Sun lab
Take me down to 210
We'll edit our programs and scratch our heads
Never mind that I'd rather be dead
And we'll root, root, root through the listing
Looking for dollar star 'name'
And it's one, two, three downloads in the old Sun lab game!

Take me down to the Sun lab
Take me down to 210
We'll run the assembler and have a snack
I don't care if it never comes back
And we'll wait, wait, wait for the download
If it don't work it's a shame
And it's one, two, three downloads in the old Sun lab game!

Take me down to the Sun lab
Take me down to 210
We'll program our I/O and interrupts
Sometimes it just makes me want to throw up
And we'll press, press, press on the reset
Each time it goes up in flames
And it's one, two, three downloads in the old Sun lab game!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Tap My Wire
Original : Light my Fire
Group    : The Doors
Author   : Maarten Loss <90406025@hse.nl>
Intro    : In addition to the neverending flow of hack-n-roll songs,
	    I decided to post this one. It's based on the all time
	    Doors-hit "Light my fire".
Song     :


Tap my wire                  (the more's)
~~~~~~~~~~

You know that I would be untrue
You know that I would be a 'foo'
If I was to say to you
We couldn't hack ourselves to root

Come on hackers tap a wire
Come on hackers tap a wire
Try to set the mode-bits higher

The time to sit and watch is gone
No time to linger in the shell
Try to make crack-programs run
Yes we will make the tty's bell

Come on hackers tap a wire
Come on hackers tap a wire
Try to set the mode-bits higher


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Telnet Song
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Guy L. Steele / D.E. Knuth
Intro    : D.E. Knuth, 'The Complexity of Songs', Communications of the
	   ACM 27 (4) pp. 345--348, April, 1984
	   (repetitions indicated; the song is only sung correctly if
	   the appropriate number of repetitions is used)
	   Some comments:
	   Strictly speaking, the song is not part of the article; it was
	   appended afterwards.  The composer and lyricist is Guy
	   L. Steele, Jr.
	   The melody has a certain haunting quality that is quite hard to
	   convey in ASCII text.  I don't know whether it has ever been
	   played.
	   The composer has email, so it shouldn't be too hard to find out.
Song     :


  There is a program called TELNET to get to another CPU.
  Control up-arrow is the escape; it's doubled to send it through,
    and "quit" is control up-arrow Q.

  A hacker once used TELNET to get to another CPU.
  He knew he could quit whenever he wanted to: all he had to do was type
    control up-arrow Q.

  Instead the hacker used TEL-NET to get to another CPU.
  He knew he could quit whenever he wanted to: all he had to do was type
    control up-arrow [at i-th time, repeat 2^i times]
    Q.
  [repeat verse n times; the choice of n is free]

  The hacker soon got bored with this, and wanted to get back.
  He sighed, and started the exponential popping of the stack:

  The hacked flushed the TEL-NET to the most distant CPU:
  He couldn't log out until he had killed them all,
    counting up powers of two: he typed
    control up-arrow [at i-th time, repeat 2^(n-i+1) times]
    Q.
  [repeat n times]

  Whew!

  The hacker's eyes were bloodshot; his fingers, black and blue;
  He wanted to log out and and go home to bed, and sleep for a day or two.
  He typed L O G O U T ... carriage return ...

  The hacker was on a network with only twenty CPU's.
  But if he had telnetted to them all,
  he would not yet be through with typing
  control up-arrow [repeat 7 times]
  Q!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Ten little Modulans
Original : Ten little (?)
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Pat Terry
Intro    : C.A.R. Hoar was amazingly correct, and the shadow of the Emperor's
	   Clothes falls heavily on Modula-2.  But I thought you might be
	   amused by a piece in a lighter vein, written for the Tuebingen WG13
	   meeting over a year ago by Modula-2's great friend Professor Terry.
	   [Notes: Nottingham = place of Modula-2 conference,
	           VDM        = declaration language]
Song     :

		     And then there were ....
		     ========================

We start our tale with some Poetry:

   "Ten little Modulans, keen to toe the line,
    One went to Nottingham, and then there were nine.

    Nine little Modulans thought casting sounded great,
    One pressed for cast, old style, and then there were eight.

    Eight little Modulans said "COMPLEX will be heaven".
    One stayed with FORTRAN code, and then there were seven.

    Seven little Modulans the FOR loop tried to fix,
    Sixteen pages VDM - and then there were six.

    Six little Modulans, exceptions felt should thrive.
    One weakly RAISED a "no", and then there were five.

    Five little Modulans, keen to add yet more,
    Built five I/O libraries and then there were four.

    Four little Modulans, on a formal spree,
    Couldn't freeze the VDM, and then there were three.

    Three little Modulans, Strings libraries did view,
    One cried "still not enough!" and then there were two.

    Two little Modulans said "Coroutines are fun"
    HALT wouldn't terminate, and then there was one.

    One little Modulan, dreadfully alone,
    Soon he discovered C, and then there were none."

    (Naughty Nineties Nursery Rhyme)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : That's Life At Case
Original : Those Were The Days
Group    : ?
Author   : J. Benson & J. Doll
Intro    :
Song     :
			That's Life At Case

	       (to the tune of Those Were The Days)
		      by J. Benson & J. Doll

     Once upon a time there was a chairman
     Running a department every day;
     When you'd go to see him with a problem
     He'd cry, "How neat!" then smile and simply say --

     "That's life at Case, my friend,
     Your problems never end,
     You work too hard forever and a day.
     You'd almost be amused
     If you weren't so abused
     And you can bet things never go your way."

     La, la, la, la, la la,
     La, la, la, la, la la,
     That's life at Case, oh yes, that's life at Case.

     Funny how the years keep rushing by us;
     Deadline for your Ph.D.'s today,
     With UNIX down since 1967!
     And when you talk to Chuck Rose he'll still say --

     "That's life at Case, my friend,
     Your problems never end,
     You're underpaid forever and a day.
     Your budget's cut in half,
     All you can do is laugh,
     For you still know things never go your way!"

     La, la, la, la, la la,
     La, la, la, la, la la,
     That's life at Case, oh yes, that's life at Case!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : That old time PDP
Original : That old time Rock'n'Roll
Group    : Bob Seger
Author   : ?
Info     : Unofficial theme song of the RSX/IAS SIG
Song     :

	Just take that PRO down off the shelf
	and let me program it by myself.
	A half a meg's just fine by me,
	I love that old-time PDP.

	Refrain:	I love that old-time PDP
			The kinda CPU that sets you free.
			Instruction set looks good to me.
			I love that old-time PDP.

	Don't try to take me to ZK.
	Won't make it, I won't last a day.
	I love that old-time PDP.

	Refrain

	Say I'm old fashioned, say I'm over the hill,
	say I'm outmoded, oh say what you will.
	Those new CPU's haven't got the same thrill,
	I love that old-time PDP.

	Refrain

	You gotta balance their complexity
	'gainst functionality and quality
	The words are twice as long as I need,
	I love that old-time PDP.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : That was the HASP my friend
Original : Those were the days my friend
Group    : Mary Hopkin
Author   : ? (Another Cambrigde product)
Intro    :
Song     :

Once upon a time there was a system
Which read and spooled and ran the printers too.
Remember how we coded up the changes,
And dreamed of all the great things we could do.

    That was the HASP my friend,
    There's no use to pretend,
    We sang and danced and coded the night away.
    We'd make the mods we choose,
    We'd fight and never lose,
    For we had HASP and it would lead the way.
    Tra-la la-LA la-la,
    Tra-la la-LA la-la,
    We had the HASP and it would lead the way.

Then the busy years went rushing by us,
HASP went version two to version three.
The features and enhancements kept on coming,
From execution batch to R-J-E.

    That was the HASP my friend ...

Soon the days on VS were upon us,
The future role of HASP was now in doubt.
But version four of HASP was soon to follow,
And show what virtual spooling's all about.

    Yet today there looms another system,
    It's more complex and difficult to grasp.
    We look at M-V-S and ask the question,
    Is that JES2 system really HASP?
    It's really HASP my friend:
    There's no use to pretend.
    We'll sing and dance and code the night away.
    We'll make the mods we choose,
    We'll fight and never lose,
    For we have HASP and it will lead the way.
    Tra-la la-LA la-la,
    Tra-la la-LA la-la,
    We still have HASP and it will lead the way.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Twas the Night Before Implementation
Original : Twas the Night Before Christmas
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :

 		Twas the Night Before Implementation

 Twas the Night Before Implementation, and all through the house
 not a program was working, not even a browse.
 The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
 with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
 while visions of enhancements danced in their heads.
 When out of the elevator arose such a clatter,
 I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
 And what to my wandering eyes should appear
 but a super programmer (with a six pack of beer).
 His resume glowed with experience so rare,
 he turned out great code with a bit pushers flair.
 More rapid than engines, his programs they came,
 and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
 "On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
 On Batch Job! On Closing! On Functions Complete!"
 His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
 from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
 soon gave me to know that I had nothing to dread.
 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
 turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,
 and laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
 the system came up and worked perfectly.
 The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
 the inquires inquired and the closings completed.
 He tested each program and tested each call,
 with nary an UAE, all had gone well.
 The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
 the users last changes were even included.
 And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
 "Its just what I asked for, BUT ITS NOT WHAT I WANT!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The 12 computerised days of Xmas
Original : The 12 days of Xmas
Group    : Traditional
Author   : (Byte 1981?)
Intro    : [for the second version]
	    Here's another version of the Twelve Days of Christmas ...
	    more recent than _Byte_'s, obviously, since it's got mouses.
	    This sounds a lot like the original Christmas carol if you don't
	    pay attention. [George Sicherman <windmill!gls>]
Song     : [two, actually ;-]

On the Twelfth day of Christmas ,
my computer gave to me

Twelve blown-out circuits
Eleven damaged diskettes
Ten disk-drive lockouts
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts
Seven system resets
Six I/O spasms
Five Blank Cassettes
Four garbled SAVEs
Three loose plugs
Two keyboard bounces
And a glitch on the video screen


... and another version:


The Computer's Twelve Days of Christmas

My true love gave to me
Twelve plotters plotting,
Eleven printers grinding,
Ten punches jamming,
Nine nixies blinking,
Eight drums a-spinning,
Seven screens a-scrolling,
Six mice a-clicking,
Five write rings,
Four coding sheets,
Three punch cards,
Two paper tapes,
And a cartridge in a P.C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : These are are a Few of Our Favorite Machines
Original : These are a Few of My Favorite Things
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Nelson Bishop <nelson@natinst.com>
Intro    : This song was written about the time the Mac was first introduced.
	    Most of the machines mentioned were some sort of IBM PC semi-
	    compatible. We generally managed to port to them in time for them
	    to be withdrawn from the market. The memory singing refers to an
	    Alpha Byte memory expansion board which had an audible high pitched
	    whine.
Song     :


These are are a Few of Our Favorite Machines

(To the tune of "These are a Few of My Favorite Things")

Compaqs and Lisas and hard disks with tape drives,
Sperrys and Victors and Wangs with no disk drives.
Gray IBMs with the mem'ry that sings,
These are a few of our favorite machines.

TIs and Rainbows and Dots with no futures
Trendspotter's dead, but it draws pretty pictures.
HP-150s you touch on the screens,
These are a few of out favorite machines.

Chorus:
When the bits byte, when the bugs sting,
When out code is bad,
We simply remember our favorite machines,
And then we know we've -- been had
Mainframes and micros and minis with Unix,
Networks and async and mice with some new tricks.
We get the Journal and read everything,
So we'll know which is our favorite machine.

Bright Macintoshes to purchase on credit,
We can't afford it this year so forget it.
Boss, we all need a big raise as you've seen,
So we can purchase our favorite machines.

Chorus


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Those were the Days
Original : Those were the Days
Group    : ?
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller, Abe Friedman, and Bill Lindemann
Intro    :
Song     :
			Those were the Days

			(to the same tune)
   by Sarah Elizabeth Miller, Abe Friedman, and Bill Lindemann


     Once upon a time there was a DEC tape
     Where we used to store a file or two,
     Where we used to while away the hours
     Playing games with Barton's CPU.

     Chorus:
	      Those were the days, my friend,
	      With Doctor Vandelinde
	      Who tried his best to make us go away.
	      We'd use up file space
	      Which he could not erase
	      Those were the days.  Oh, yes, those were the
	 days.

     Through the door I heard familiar laughter.
     I saw you were logged in on "user.name".
     Though programs have a way of disappearing,
     In the core the games are still the same.

     (Chorus)

     Monopoly and seawar are amusing
     As well as maze and wumpus and the rest.
     Though far away from Barton we may wander,
     In our hearts its CPU's the best.

     (Chorus)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Treekiller
Original : Painkiller
Group    : Judas Priest
Author   : Bri Bri <ward@math.psu.edu>
Intro    : well, i was cleaning up my directory, and i found this thing, which
	    i sorta wrote this summer. anyway, here it is, dedicated to one of
	    my "favorite" users of the printer.
Song     :


He is the Treekiller
This is the Treekiller

Faster than ethernet
Bigger than /usr/dict/words
Found in /etc/printers
Much worse than a thousand nerds

Wielding high the chainsaw
Defend us, true and brave
Why you would never know
Those trees might come back from the grave

With the Amazon in ruins
Never again to rise
You know deep inside we'll all end up fried

He is the Treekiller
This is the Treekiller
Files of megs Treekiller
No toner left, Treekiller


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Twelve Days of Uptime
Original : The Twelve Days of Christmas
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

		     The Twelve Days of Uptime

		 (to The Twelve Days of Christmas)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     On the twelfth day of uptime
     The system gave to me:

     12 stopcodes ringing,
     11 LISPers losing,
     10 daemons running,
     9 modems dying,
     8 rib blocks missing,
     7 DECtapes stretching,
     6 jobs a-hacking,
     5 k of core
     4 detached jobs
     3 strtrk's,
     2 cpu's
     And a job stuck in run queue three.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Underfull Badness Blues
Original : Do Run Run
Group    : Beach Boys (?)
Author   : Frankeye Jones
Intro    :
Song     :

		  The Underfull Badness Blues
			      by
			Frankeye Jones
	       (Sing to the tune of "Do Run Run")

	   I thought I put the backslashes in
	   I thought I did it right;
	   But when I tried to run the thing
	   The screen displayed this sight:
	   "Error, error, error," it said
	   So I've got no time to lose
	   My line's too long and my bracket's missing
	   I've got the underfull badness blues
	   (a-do-run-run-run, a do-run-run)

	   I can do most anything
	   With Latex as a tool
	   Make boxes, tables, Greek letters too
	   And I can alter the size of my pool
	   But wait!  I got too excited again
	   It's the same old, not-good-news
	   My control sequences are in error again
	   I've got the underfull badness blues
	   (a-do-run-run)

	   My life is like a Latex run
	   With trials and errors each day
	   The fates one minute are on my side
	   Then they slip and slide away
	   I lose my keys, I'm out of Scope
	   I'm totally missing my cues
	   The cats have fleas and the water heater burst
	   I've got the overfull/underfull badness blues
	   (a-do-run-run-run, a do-run-run)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : UNIBUS
Original : Omnibus
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Author   : Tony Duell  <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro    :
Song     :

Some choose an Atari,
Some prefer a smart HP,
Or for a Tandy TRS-80,
They'd lay them doon and dee.
Such means of computation,
seem rather dull to us
The processor and the arbitor
Of the PDP UNIBUS


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : UNIX
Original : Money
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Jim Flanagan <flanagan@grover.stat.washington.edu>
Intro    : In the spirit of the UNIX rock adaptations, I drag this out.
Song     :


UNIX*	[To the tune of _Money_ by Pink Floyd]
----

UNIX, it's a gas;
grab that VAX with
both hands and
make it crash.

UNIX, it's a hit;
Don't give me that
PC DOS Bullshit.

I'm into well benchmarked
POSIX Open Systems
I think I need a RISC chip.

UNIX, jmp back;
I'm all niced now
pop your frame off of
my stack.

---
*UNIX is a trademark of AT&T


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Unix Man
Original : Nowhere Man
Group    : Beatles
Author   : Brad Morrison <brad@Sugar.NeoSoft.com>
Intro    :
Song     :


	UNIX Man 	(to The Beatles' "Nowhere Man")
	--------

	He's a real UNIX Man
	Sitting in his UNIX LAN
	Making all his UNIX .plans
	For nobody

	Knows the blocksize from 'du'
	Cares not where /dev/null goes to
	Isn't he a bit like you
	And me?

	UNIX Man, don't worry
	It's the tube that's blurry
	UNIX Man
	The new kernel boots, just like you had planned

	He's as wise as he can be
	Programs in lex, yacc and C
	UNIX Man, can you help me
	At all?

	UNIX Man, please listen
	My printout is missin'
	UNIX Man
	The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Unix Quandry
Original : Dirty Laundry
Group    : Don Henley
Author   : Rich Kulawiec <rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu>
Intro    : sometime in 1986 or so; address at the time was pucc-j!rsk;
	   current address is rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu
	   with apologies to Don Henley for appropriating "Dirty Laundry"
Song     :

Unix Quandry


I make my living off the Unix news,
Just give me something that I can use.
Users love it when they lose,
They love Unix quandries.

Well I could have been a hacker,
But I wound up here.
I just have to look good,
I don't have to be clear.
Come and whisper in my ear,
We need Unix quandries.

Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Kick 'em all around.

We got the bubble-headed bimbies,
Log on at five,
They can tell about the last crash,
With a gleam in their eye(s).
It's int'resting when sessions die,
Give us Unix quandries.
Can we film the operators?
Are the heads dead yet?
Y'know the boys in the staffroom,
Got a running bet.
Read the manual on tset,
We need Unix quandries.

You don't really need to find out
What's going on,
You don't want to know just
How far it's gone,
Just leave well enough alone,
Keep your Unix quandries.

Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Kick 'em where they sit,
Kick 'em all around.

Dirty little disk packs,
Dirty little drives,
We got our fingers in ev'rybody's pies,
We love to shut you down (first prize),
We love Unix quandries.

We can do the innuendo,
We can dance and sing.
When it's all over we haven't
Told you a thing.
We all know 'bout rebooting,
Give us Unix quandries.

Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Boot 'em when they're down.
Use 'em when they're up,
Kick 'em all around.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Unix Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group    : The Who
Author   : Jamie Mason <jmason2@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca>
	    Additions by Wayne Throop <...!mcnc!aurgate!throop>
Intro    : I also found this thing which I sorta wrote this summer.  This is
	    dedicated to all those weary Unix hacks who spend their entire
	    waking lives stuffing /dev/tty??'s clist so that processes have
	    something to read.  :-)
	    [JM]
	    It seems to me this can be improved quite a bit, to make it scan
	    better with the score, and such.  "I have a modest example here."
	    [WT]
Song     :


   Unix Wizard

Ever since I heard of Unix
I've always had a ball,
From SunOS to Minix
I must have run 'em all
But I ain't seen nothing like him
On systems large or small
That tired, squinting, blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

He sits like a statue,
Becomes part of the machine,
Feeling all the limits,
Knows what the signals mean
Hacks by intuition
His process never stalls,
That tired, squinting blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

He a Unix Wizard,
I just can't get the gist
A Unix wizard's
Got such a mental twist

How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?

Ain't got no distractions
Don't hear no beeps or bells
Don't see no lights a flashin'
Ignores his sense of smell
Patches running kernels
Dumps no core at all,
That tired, squinting and blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!

I thought I was
The process table king,
But I just handed
My root password to him.

Even on my favorite boxen,
His hacks can beat my best.
The network leads him in,
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy Finger servers
Never will seg-fault...
That tired, squinting blind kid
Sure makes a mean sys call!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : VAX Raphosdy
Original : Bohemian Rhapsody
Group    : Queen
Author   : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro    :
Song     :

VAX Raphosdy
------------
Is this the real login:?
Is it a trap?
Caught on a terminal
No escape from the committee


Open your mail
Look up to the skies
And see...

I'm just a poor hacker,
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low

Hit me where the wind blows,
Doesn't really matter to me, to me



Momma, just killed a VAX
Type a command into the shell,
Hit RETURN, now it's dead
Momma, my account had just begun
And now I've gone and thrown it all away
Momma, didn't mean to make you crash
If I'm not back on this time tomorrow
Hack on, hack on as if nothing really matters


Too late -- my time has come
Sent shivers down my spine
Bodies aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Got to leave you all behind and face the truth

Momma, (every way the wind blows)
I don't wanna kicked off,
I sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all

...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Waiting for The Sun
Original : Waiting for The Sun
Group    : The Doors
Author   : Jamie Mason <jmason2@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca>
Intro    : This one is dedicated to all you folks who have inadequate, slow
	    computing facilties.  (We don't! We just got an upgrade!  :-)
Song     :


Waiting for the Sun   (by Jamie Mason, to the Doors tune of the same name)
-------------------

At first flash of daylight,
We're still hacking in C.
Sitting there
Bashing one last Bug

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to
Fight for some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting   for   the   Sun.

Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...
Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...   Waiting...

Waiting for Make is
Such a bore.
Waiting for a.out to
Stop dumping core...
Waiting for some cycles
All day long.
Waiting for adb to tell me what went wrong.

This is the strangest
Bug I've ever   known.

Can't you feel it,
Now that work is due,
That it's time to fight
For some CPU

Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun,
Waiting for the Sun.

Waiting   for   the   Sun.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : VMUNIX Blues
Original : The Deep Elem Blues
Group    : ?
Author   : Andy Tannenbaum
Intro    :
Song     :

				tm
			  VMUNIX   Blues


		    (c) 1982 by Andy Tannenbaum
	       (to the tune of The Deep Elem Blues)
		 Profits to go to the Smithsonian
		    Hacker Folk Music Archive.


     When you bring up VMUNIX,
	 Just to have a little fun,
     You'd better have your Western License,
	 When the Board of Regents come.

     Chorus:
     Oh, sweet mama, hacker's got the VMUNIX Blues,
     Oh, sweet mama, hacker's got the VMUNIX Blues.

     Once I met a pinstripe,
	 Knew his doubly nested do,
     He logged in to VMUNIX,
	 Now his FORTRAN days are through.

     (Chorus)

     When you debug a C program,
	 Don't know what the hell to do,
     Segmentation violation,
	 It's a structure pointer screw.

     (Chorus)

     It comes time to clean up shit work,
	 You type r m foo space star,
     By the time you realize it,
	 You won't know where those files are.

     (Chorus)

     When you run on an eleven,
	 With a quarter meg of core,
     And some loser cranks an nroff,
	 There ain't no response no more.

     (Chorus)

     Ar as at,
	 Bc dc adb,
     Df du dd,
	 It don't mean a thing to me.

     (Chorus)

     When you argue with a netnews flamer,
	 Be prepared to lose,
     Because that burnt out flamer's got,
	 The VMUNIX Blues,


     (Chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Wall 2
Original : The Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Nathan Torkington <gnat@kauri.vuw.ac.nz>
Intro    :
Song     :


"Another User in the Wall Part 1"

Root has flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Coredumps from /bin ls
Root, what else did you leave for me?
Root, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!
All in all, you were just a pain in the ass,
All in all, we are all just pains in the ass.


"Another Brick in the Wall part 2"

{\lead}
We don't need no pull-down-menus
We don't need no rescaled fonts
No dark icons in the corner
Hackers, leave those Macs alone.
Hey! Hackers! Leave them Macs alone!
All in all it's just another WIMP up for sale
All in all you're just another WIMP up for the sale.

{\kids}
We don't need no fancy windows
We don't need no title bars
No MultiFinder in the startup
Hackers leave them Macs alone
Hey! Hackers! Leave them Macs alone!
All in all it's just another WIMP up for sale
All in all you're just another WIMP up for sale.

{\guitar}

"Another Brick In the Wall Part 3"

I don't need no mice around me
And I don't need no fonts to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need any WIMP at all.
No!  Don't think I need any WIMP at all.
No!  Don't think I'll need any WIMP at all.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : What is a Hacker?
Original : What is a DJ?
Group    : Spike Jones
Author   : Russell Street <russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz>
Intro    : [longish - sth]
Sometime ago I recorded from a radio programme a Spike Jones
recording "What is a DJ?".  I think it was recorded in the
50's -- it includes a reference to televison advertising stealing
from radio.
It has only recently occured to me that it is perfect for
adapting to describe the "hacker".  Above is my first
attempt to do this, along with the original (below)
Unfortunately I can not find out who actually wrote it or when.
The only information that the announcer gave was that it was
a Spike Jones recording, and it was only released once.

I have only changed the words to suit computer ideas,
keeping with the original flow, patterns and concepts.
Any suggestions this could improve this are welcomed.


The original recording has some organ music that flows with
and emphasis the way it is read.  It is difficult to reproduce
this in text.  Most of this is to do with the speed at which
it is spoken.


The original:


What is a DJ?
-------------

Between the commercialism of the sponsor, and the innocence
of the radio audience we find a delightful creature called
the Disc Jockey.

Disc Jockeys come in assorted sizes, weights and colours. But
all disc Jockeys have the same creed: to fill every minute of
every hour of every day with records and commercials. And to
protest with noise, their only weapon, when the last programme
has finished and the radio sponsor switches his interest to
television.

Disc Jockeys are found everywhere -- radio stations, golf courses,
advertising agencies, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging
from, running away to, on top of **OLD SMOKY**.

Mothers ignore them, little girls don't understand them,
older sisters tolerate them, adults HA!  Heaven and the
advertising agencies protect them.

A disc jockey is truth with a script in his hand, beauty with
a bloodshot voice, wisdom with a cut of the profits, and the
hope of the sponsor with a frog in his throat.

When you are busy a disc jockey is a inconsiderate, bothersome,
intruding jangle of noise.  When you want him to play a beautiful
melodic record his brain turns to jelly. Or else he becomes
a savage sadistic jungle creature bent on destroying his Hooper
rating and himself with a brass band playing into an echo chamber.

A disc jockey is a composite.  He has the brain of an adding
machine, the ulcers of a banker, the persistency of an
auctioneer, the diction of a train announcer, the subtlety of
a meat cleaver, and when he has to put a record on the turn-table
by himself he has five thumbs on each hand! <CRASH>

He likes free albums, swimming pools, Dixieland records,
cadallics, money, sponsors (in their natural habitat), free passes
and the girl-across-the-street.

He is not much for music, song sloggers, other disc Jockeys,
the sales department, engineers, and the girl-across-the-street's
husband.

Nobody else is so early to rise or to late to supper.
Nobody else gets so much fun out of old joke books, loud records,
fan mail and females.  Nobody else can cram into one half hour
so many commercials about soap, falling hair, toothpaste,
deodorant, non-skid tyres and a large chunk of unknown substance.

A disc jockey is a magical creature. You can turn him off your
radio but you can't turn him off your neighbour's radio.  You
can get him out of your mind, but you can't get him out of the
air.  He's a bleary-eyed, syrup-voiced, fast-talking, bundle
of noise.

But, when you wake up in the morning with only the shattered
pieces of your sleep and dreams he can make you wish you'd never
been born with the two magic words:

			    GOOD MORNING!

Song     :

What is a Hacker? (version 1.01)
-----------------

Adapted by Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)


Between the commericalism of the MSIS department, and the
innocence of the Real User we find a delightful creature
called the Computer Hacker.

Hackers come in assorted sizes, weights and colours. But
all hackers have the same creed: to fill every byte of
every disk of every machine with source code and old news.
And to protest with flames, their only weapon, when the last
process is KILLed and the computer centre switches to a
"better" computer.

Hackers are found everywhere -- univerities, colleges,
corporations, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging
from, running away to, on top of **VAXen**.

Management ignores them, secretaries don't understand them,
Customer Support tolerate them, administrators HA!  Heaven
and the greatful user protect them.

A hacker is intelligence with a head ache, elegance with
a core dump, daring with a secure backup, and the hope of
the admin with the root password.

When you are busy a hacker is a inconsiderate, bothersome,
intruding, resource hogging process.  When you want him to
solve your problem his brain turns to jelly. Or else he
becomes a savage sadistic jungle creature bent on destroying
his reputation and your data with a misplaced 'rm -r'.

A hacker is a composite.  He has the brain of a adding
machine, the stealth of a thief, the percistancy of a tiger,
the resourcefulness of cracker, the subtetly of a meat cleaver.
And when he has to put a tape in a drive by himself he has
five thumbs on each hand! <CRASH>

He likes USENET access, e-mail, source code, nethack, money,
admins (in their natural habitat), free accounts and the
new-girl-in-the-operator's-room.

He is not much for paper work, code grinders, other hackers
on his machine, the MSIS department, dummy money, and the
new-girl-in-the-operator's-room's husband.

Nobody else is so late to rise or to late to supper.
Nobody else gets so much fun out of old news files, loud
records, junk food and females.  Nobody else can cram into
one half hour so many requests for restores, bulk chowning,
increased disk space, more processer time, faster CPUs and
a large chunk of unknown substance.

A hacker is a magical creature. You can kick him off your
terminal but you can't kick him off your neighbour's terminal.
You can get him out of your mind, but you can't get him out of the
batch queue.  He's a bleary-eyed, syrup-voiced, fast-talking, bundle
of keystrokes.

But, when you are editing, with only the shattered pieces of working
code backed up, he can make you wish you'd saved sooner with the two
magic words:

			    SYSTEM CRASH!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : When I'm Sixty Four
Original : When I'm Sixty Four
Group    : Beatles
Author   :
Intro    :
Song     :

			When I'm Sixty Four

			(to the same tune)
		     by Sarah Elizabeth Miller


     When I get older, losing my hair,
     Many years from now,
     I will still be sittin' at a terminal,
     Number crunching giving me hell,
     Rewriting programs, running them through,
     Logged in evermore.
     I'll always be here.
     I'll never leave here
     'Til I'm sixty-four.

     It would be dandy getting this done,
     If it were correct.
     But here I sit from Friday night 'til Saturday,
     Sunday morning typing away.
     One hundred hours all through the week,
     Printouts on the floor.
     I'll always be here.
     I'll never leave here
     'Til I'm sixty-four.

     Send me a post card, drop me a line
     From your graduate school.
     Mail it "care of Barton Hall two-twenty-five."
     Let me know if I'm still alive!
     There you will find me buried beneath
     Printouts by the score.
     I'll always be here.
     I'll never leave here
     'Til I'm sixty-four.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : When I was a lad
Original : When I was a Lad
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Tony Duell  <ard@siva.bris.ac.uk>
Intro    :
Song     :

 When I was a lad I served a term
 As office boy in a computer firm.
 I cleared the bugs out, and I got to grips
 With polishing the silicon on all their chips.
 [With polishing the silicon on all their chips.]
 I polished up that silicon so carefully
 That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
 [He polished up that silicon so carefully
 That now he is responsible for Phoenix 3.]

 At cleaning chips I made such a name
 That a drinks pro-grammer I soon became:
 I mixed soup, cola and some fizzy tea,
 And when the program ran it cost 8p.
 [And when...]
 The users so enjoyed this Most Vile Tea
 That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
 [The users...]

 At making drinks I acquired such a knack
 That at operatorship I had a crack:
 I did the crossword, read about foot-ball
 And never tried unloading Printer 3 at all.
 [And never...]
 I tore off output sheets so carelessly
 That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
 [He tore...]

 The users often saw me every day,
 So I took on the job of a P.A.
 I told the beginners of GCAL and ZED,
 Or phoned up experts for their views instead.
 [Or phoned...]
 I passed the buck along so frequently
 That now I am responsible for Phoenix 3.
 [He passed...]

 I worked so hard that I required a rest,
 And so they got me dealing with SUGGEST:
 I took three months off, turned the users sour
 By claiming that I was a shortage of manpower.
 [By claiming...]
 I took a year off, did the C.S.T.
 To learn enough to work on Phoenix 3.
 [He took...]

 At user-friendliness I'd made such a mess,
 They got me working hard on MVS:
 I made commands obscure and twice as long,
 And changed the syntax so most jobs went wrong.
 [And changed...]
 I made such trouble they upgraded me
 By making me responsible for Phoenix 3.
 [He made...]

 Now hackers all, whoever you may be,
 If you want to do things faster than Queue D,
 If your eyes are forever glued to VDUs,
 Then leave the rat race and its four job queues:
 [Then leave...]
 Keep clear of machines, IBM or BBC,
 And you may get the blame for parts of Phoenix 3!
 [Keep clear...]

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : When you try to get work from the data network
Original : The Nightmare Song (When you're lying awake)
Group    : Gilbert & Sullivan
Author   : ? (First seen at Cambridge, England)
Intro    :
Song     :

 When you try to get work from the Data Net-work, and you're
tapping the keys with impatience,
 It will say it's congested, your code stays untested, all users
are waiting for sessions.
 For with C.I.P. errors and similar terrors the C.U.D.N. tries to
thwart you
 And you hit RETURN thrice and ask friends for advice - for again
the new system has caught you,
 As your password is typed out before it is wiped out (by hitting
the button marked CLEAR SCREEN),
 And you hit CONTROL/P C and try to get busy at trying to conquer
the machine!
 Then the system expires and you pull out the wires and you find
that the VDU's broken,
 Get another one near, then walk out with a jeer for by now it
won't let any folk on!
 Well at last it permits you to log on and hits you, you join all
the users in weeping,
 For your session's such pain, and there's so little gain that
you'd very much better be sleeping!

 For you find your UPDATEing a file, and you're waiting five
minutes for ZED to acknowledge,
 While the user next door throws a fit on the floor and runs
screaming back home to his college;
 And you're typing ahead as you're waiting for ZED, then refile
to a file that is GUARDed,
 But forgot to say YES and you're now in a mess, as you think the
result's been discarded;
 Then you try to use RUN and it's really no fun, for the
scheduler's not very clever,
 And you're job's in queue D and you really can't see if it's
likely to run now, or ever.
 Well you try once again and it runs right as rain, so you have a
quick look with COLLECTREAD:
 The results of your look - "Standard Fixup" was took - IBM's
guess not what you expect/need!

 Fortran IV you reject, as you're program's all wrecked, so you
dump all your files TLS-wise,
 But the filename's too long, ARCHIVE always goes wrong, and
you're finding it's too much now, stress-wise!
 So at INFO.NEW you look, feeling quite blue, and you find that
the CS has faltered:
 All the keywords changed round, and you don't like the sound for
the language is terribly altered:
 For it's IBM-ese, wasn't written to please, though amuses the
people who wrote it,
 Each command a long word, of the like never heard, some
anomalies that you've just noted.
 From your work you now rest, see INFO.SUGGEST, which no-body has
looked at for ages,
 So you try SUGGEST-FILE, and ironically smile, which is better
than yielding to rages!
 Now with PRINTOUT you fail, it is lost in the mail, and your
hair you are frantically tearing,
 POST and ROUTE get ignored, once again you've been floored! You
log off with a shudder despairing...

 You are worn out and tired, feel the chief should be fired,
 For he won't sympathise, to use PHX never tries,
 And you're angry and cross, with the time that is loss,
 With a pain in you brain, swear "no more!" (all in vain!)
 For your session's a waste, never more should be faced,
 And you're nerves are all frayed, and your output's mislayed,
 You can't fix it today, the adviser's away,
 And you haven't been lying in clover:

 But the session is past, and it's teatime at last,
 And the torment's been long, ditto ditto my song,
 And thank goodness they're both of them over!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : White Collar Holler
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : (Has been sung by several groups, including Clam Chowder)
Song     :

Well, I rise up every morning at a quarter to eight,
Some woman who's my wife tells me not to be late.
I kiss the kids goodbye, can't remember their names,
And week after week it's always the same!

(Chorus)
And it's ho, boys, can't you code it?
Program it right.
Nothing ever happens in this life of mine
I'm hauling up the data on the Xerox line.

And it's codin' the data, give the keyboard a punch,
Then cross-correlate and I break for some lunch.
Correlate, tabulate, process and screen,
Program, printout, regress to the mean,

(Chorus)

Yeah, but it's home again, eat again, watch some TV,
Make love to my woman at 10:53.
I dream the same dream when I'm sleeping at night,
I'm soaring over hills like an eagle in flight!

(Chorus)

Someday I'm gonna give up all the buttons and things,
I'll punch that time clock till it can't ring.
Burn up my necktie and set myself free,
Cause no one's gonna fold, bend or mutilate me

(Chorus twice)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Wonderful Hacker
Original : The Wonderful Toy
Group    : ?
Author   : Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder
Intro    :
Song     :

		       The Wonderful Hacker

		      (to The Wonderful Toy)
	  by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


     When I was a wee undergrad,
     My roommate gave to me
     A user name and a password, too:
     8-M-J-4-X-3.
     I first bombed disk,
     And then dumped core,
     And then slaved the cty.
     And then I stole "acct.sys"
     And watched the system die.

     Oh, it went

	      -- crunch --

     When it moved, and

	      -- boots --

     When it stopped, and

	      --      --

     When it stood still.

     They never knew just who it was
     And I guess they never will.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Worm beore Christmas
Original : The Night Before Christmas
Group    : ?
Author   : Received in a mailfile on Cornell's computer network.
	    (Copied from m-net, Ann Arbor, MI)
Intro    :
Song     :

THE WORM BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before finals and all through the lab
Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb.
Their projects were finished, completed with care
In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).

The students were wired with caffeine in their veins
While visions of quals nearly drove them insane.
With piles of books and a brand-new highlighter,
I had just settled down for another all-nighter --

When out from our gateways arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
Away to the console I flew like a flash
And logged on as root to fend off a crash

The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3
Gave oodles of info -- some in 3-D.
When, what to my burning red eyes should appear
But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear!

With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm,
I knew in a moment. It was Morris's Worm!
More rapid than eagles his processes came
And they forked and exec'd and they copied by name!

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the sites in .rhosts and host.eqi
Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

[ Note: the machines dasher.cs.uiuc.edu, dancer.cs.uiuc.edu,
  prancer.cs.uiuc.edu, etc., have been renamed deer1, deer2,
  deer3, etc., so as not to confuse the already burdened
  students who use those machines. We regret that this poem
  reflects the older naming scheme and hope it does not
  confuse the network administrator at your site. -Ed. ]

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone,
The complaints of the users (thought I was alone!)
"The load is too high!" "I can't read my files!"
"I can't send my mail over miles and miles!"

I unplugged the net, and was turning around,
When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound.
I frettedI fritteredI sweatedI wept.
Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp.

It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth,
And I laughed when I saw it, in spite of myself.
A look at the dump of that invasive thread
Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread.

The next day was slow with no network connections
For we wanted no more of those pesky infections.
But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter
Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter.

Then later that month, while all were away,
A virus came calling, and then went away.
The system then told us, when we logged in one night:
"Happy Christmas to all! (You guys aren't so bright.)"


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Write in C
Original : Let it Be
Group    : Beatles
Author   : <donna@nic.csu.net>
Intro    :
Song     :


Write in C


When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

(and what about C++ ?)


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Title    : Yellow Subroutine
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group    : The Beatles
Author   : adrian@milton.u.washington.edu
Intro    :
Song     :


    Yellow Subroutine

    "In the town where I was born,
    Lived a man, who played with 'C'.
    And he coded his whole life
    On a stack of Function Keys.

    So we traced to his data schemes,
    Til we found a 'C' routine..
    And we lived beneath the SAVES,
    In our yellow Sub-Routine...

Chorus:
    WE ALL live in A YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE,
    YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE, YELLOW SUB-ROUTINE .... (ETC)

    When our friends are on the boards,
    Many MODEMS RETURN NEXT:FOR
    Then the BAUD RATE goes astray...
    (B-B-BEEP, BEEP BEEP B-B-BEEP..)

Chorus (IF YOU CAN STAND IT!)

    As we live in Memories
    Every one of us Returns Linefeeds...
    CPU and 'C' Routine,
    In our yellow SUB-Routine...