Subject: MeltDown (Script)
Organization: BASTARDS INCORPORATED
From: starman@crash.wanganui.gen.nz (Robin Halligan)
Reply-To: starman@crash.wanganui.gen.nz
Date: Thu, 7 Jul 94 23:53:44 +1200

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                 RED DWARF Series IV episode 6, "Meltdown"

1 Int. Sleeping Quarters.

CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are sitting round a table in the sleeping
quarters.  CAT and LISTER are playing a card game and RIMMER is regaling
them with tales of his youth.  As the scene opens we see that CAT and
LISTER seem to be in some kind of pain.

RIMMER: So there we were at 2:30 in the morning; I was beginning to wish
  I had never come to cadet training school.  To the south lay water --
  there was no way we could cross that.  To the east and west two armies
  squeezed us in a pincer.  The only way was north; I had to go for it
  and pray the Gods were smiling on me.  I picked up the dice and threw
  two sixes.  Caldecott couldn't believe it.  My go again; another two
  sixes!
LISTER: Rimmer, what's wrong with you?  Don't you realize that no one is
  even slightly interested in anything you're saying?  You've got this
  major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you're
  boring people to death!  How come you can't sense that?
RIMMER: Anyway I picked up the dice again... Unbelievable!  Another two
  sixes!
LISTER: Rimmer!
RIMMER: What?
LISTER: No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your
  Cadet School Training Officer at Risk.
RIMMER: Then -- disaster!  I threw a two and a three; Caldecott picked up
  the dice and threw snake eyes -- I was still in it.
LISTER: Cat, can you talk to him?.

CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears.  As
LISTER talks to him he takes one of the pieces.

CAT: What?
RIMMER: Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which
  beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four
  and a double five.  After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six
  and a three.
CAT: Man, this guy could bore for his country!
LISTER: What I want to know, is how the smeg can you remember what dice
  you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?
RIMMER: I jotted it down in my Risk campaign book.  I always used to do
  that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in
  the sleeping quarters.  I ask you, what better way is there to spend a
  Saturday night?
CAT: Ya got me.
RIMMER: So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.
LISTER: Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me?  I'm in a
  state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped.  Shut the
  smeg up.
RIMMER: Don't you want to hear the Risk story?
LISTER: That's what I've been saying for the last fifteen minutes.
RIMMER: But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really
  interesting bit...
LISTER: What really interesting bit?
RIMMER: Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he'd thrown a
  three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one.  I picked up the
  dice...
LISTER: Hang on Rimmer, hang on... the really interesting bit is exactly
  the same as the dull bit.
RIMMER: You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you?  For all
  you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head butted him on
  the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears.  That would've
  been quite interesting.
LISTER: OK, Rimmer.  What did you do with the dice?.
RIMMER: I threw a five and a two.
LISTER: And that's the really interesting bit?
RIMMER: Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.

Still the sleeping quarters but KRYTEN just appears out of nowhere.

Buzzzt -- the teleport paddle pops KRYTEN into the room.

KRYTEN: Hmmm, curious...

Buzzzt -- he pops into a different spot.

KRYTEN: Extraordinary!

Buzzzt.

KRYTEN: What a truly copacetic piece of machinery.
LISTER: What is it?
KRYTEN: Well, basically it appears to be a device that converts an
  individual into digital information and then transmits him as light
  beams to another point in space.  Essentially it's a matter--

Buzzzt.

KRYTEN: --transporter.  It's pretty neat.

Buzzzt.

KRYTEN: Ha!
CAT: Where'd you get it from?
KRYTEN: I think it must be a prototype.  I found it in the Research Labs
  down on Z deck.  I managed to cobble together the missing circuitry and
  it appears to be fully functional.  Theoretically it can transport
  several people at once.  (To LISTER) Would you like to grip a paddle,
  sir?

LISTER stands and grips a paddle.

KRYTEN: We'll meet you by the NaviComp in Starbug.

Buzzzt -- they both vanish.

RIMMER: (To CAT) Let's go.

RIMMER and CAT get up and head off out the door.  We stay focused on the
room as a door in the background opens and we hear running water and see
steam billowing out the door a wet LISTER and KRYTEN come out of the
shower.

KRYTEN: I'm sorry about that, sir.  I neglected to engage the depth
  function.
LISTER: We'll walk, Kryten.  We'll walk.

2 Int. Starbug.

The gang is sitting round chatting.

CAT: So, besides cutting down on shoe leather, what good is it?
HOLLY: Exploration:  it can take you anywhere.  It can home in on
  atmosphere bearing planets within a radius of 500,000 light years.  If
  there are any lifeforms in the local systems this thing'll take you
  straight to 'em.
RIMMER: So are there any planets with an atmosphere in range?
KRYTEN: Well, several according to the paddle's scanners, but the most
  interesting prospect appears to be 200,000 light years away.  In the
  normal course of things it would take Starbug several billion years to
  reach it.
LISTER: It wouldn't be so bad -- Rimmer could finish his Risk story.
KRYTEN: Traveling subspace via the paddle we would reach it almost
  instantaneously.
LISTER: Well, what are we waiting for?
CAT: Ah ah ah!  Nobody's rearranging _my_ molecules.
KRYTEN: It's perfectly safe, sir, but I do suggest that Mr Rimmer and I
  go on ahead as a scout party.
RIMMER: What?
KRYTEN: Well, if the atmosphere isn't breatheable we won't be affected.
  If it is, we can send the paddle back to pick you up.
RIMMER: The thing is, Kryters, I would love to be in the advanced scout
  party facing all those thrilling unknown dangers with you, fighting a
  frontierman's path through a jungle of discovery, but you're forgetting
  one thing.
KRYTEN: No sir, I've taken your congenital cowardliness into
  consideration.
RIMMER: I'm a hologram.  I can't touch the thing.  How could it transport
  me?
HOLLY: Well, of course, you do have a small physical presence.
KRYTEN: Precisely.  Holly, would you give me Mr Rimmer's light-bee,
  please.
RIMMER: Wait a minute.

A view of RIMMER then he whites out and is gone.  KRYTEN is holding the
light-bee.

RIMMER: (In a high pitched voice) Where am I?
LISTER: This is Rimmer?.

LISTER gets up, walks over to KRYTEN and takes the light-bee from him.

HOLLY: Yeah, it buzzes around inside him and projects his image.

LISTER tosses the light-bee up in the air and catches it in his mouth
then spits it out and catches it.

RIMMER: My God, that was disgusting!
KRYTEN: Please sir, that's a very sophisticated piece of hardware--
LISTER: Really?  Anyone fancy a game of squash?
KRYTEN: Sir!

LISTER hands the light-bee back to KRYTEN.

KRYTEN: Thank you.  Now, if all goes well the paddle will re-materialise
  here.  Simply press this green key and you'll be transported down to
  the planet, a safe distance from us.
LISTER: OK.

Buzzzt -- they're gone.

3 Ext. A Typical Field.

There's plenty of green grass, trees in the background, etc.  RIMMER
appears out of nowhere and staggers, then looks around.

RIMMER: What is this place?
KRYTEN: Well I can't pinpoint our location precisely but, ah, the
  atmosphere is indeed breathable I'll return the paddle.

Buzzzt -- the paddle vanishes.

RIMMER: What now?

KRYTEN is looking off camera and up he looks a little worried.

KRYTEN: Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.  I suggest we ambulate as
  fast as the local gravity will allow.
RIMMER: Why?
KRYTEN: Because of them, sir.

We see something that looks like a T-rex with feathers, wings, a bird's
head and all the believability of an old Star Trek monster.

KRYTEN: Sir?

We see KRYTEN looking very worried and RIMMER running full tilt off into
the distance.

4 Int. Starbug.

Buzzzt -- the paddle re-appears.

LISTER: Must be safe, let's go.

Buzzzt -- they vanish.

5 Int. A large room.

Cut to an old-fashioned room with a chandelier and a big Nazi flag on the
wall.  There is a large table in the room with a fireplace in the
background.  There are three people in the room.  The table is set out as
a war planning map.  The people appear to be HITLER and two of his aids.

HITLER: This vill be ze final push, mine Komrades.  Zair resources are
  poor zair vill ist veek!

Buzzzt -- LISTER and CAT appear in the background.

HITLER: Ve can crush zem, Ve can grind zem into zer dirt, Ve can chew up
  zair bodies and spit zem out as if zey are Sauerkraut!

LISTER is trying to get the paddle to work but hasn't got the settings
right yet

HITLER: Intruders!  Seize zem!
LISTER: So long--

Buzzzt -- LISTER and CAT teleport on to the table.

LISTER: --Suckers!
HITLER: Dummkopfs!  Arrest zem!
CAT: Get us out of here.
LISTER: Don't panic me, man!  I'm doing my best!

6 Int. Dark Space.

Buzzzt -- LISTER and CAT teleport to a place that is dark and small.

CAT: Where are we?
LISTER: Don't know.

LISTER flicks on his lighter.

LISTER: Stone; We're in some kind of narrow stone passage way.
CAT: So what do we do?
LISTER: I can see daylight.  I don't know, we could just stand around
  here I suppose, 'til we work out were we are.

7 Int. Large Room.

For a couple of seconds we are in the room with HITLER and all the men in
the room are looking at the fireplace in which we see two pairs of legs,
LISTER's and CAT's.

8 Int. Dark Chimney.

LISTER: At least we're out of trouble.
CAT: Who were those guys?
LISTER: Well the short one with the stupid 'tache was Hitler, and the
  jerky one with the child molester glasses that was Goebbels; suppose
  the fat bastard must've been Goering.  Must've been.  He was a cocaine
  addict and a transvestite {some thing}.  If things'd worked out
  different he had the makings of a major movie star.
HITLER: (VO) Hands up, pig dogs!
LISTER: Think I've just worked out were we are.
HITLER: Get the machine!

9 Int. Large Room.

LISTER and CAT are led out of the room.

CAT: You seriously telling me he's a transvestite?
LISTER: Yeah...
CAT: With those hips?

10 Ext. Forest.

A brief scene of the monsters from earlier stamping across the screen
then we switch to RIMMER and KRYTEN walking down a tree covered path.

RIMMER: I think we've lost them.
KRYTEN: I can't tell you how feeble and improbable those creatures were,
  sir.  I've seen more convincing dinosaurs given away free with a packet
  of Wheaty Flakes.  There's something wrong here...

ELVIS leaps in behind them with a machine gun.

ELVIS: Reach for the sky, boys.  Thank-you-very-much {something}.
POPE GREGORY: Lets take ita nice and easy.  No funny business or I
  splasha your guts around likea da communion wine.
ELVIS: OK, now get moving.  Thank-you-very-much.
RIMMER: Which way?
ELVIS: (Doing a classic move, he points) Thataway.

11 Int. Prison Cell.

LISTER and CAT are in a prison cell with bars on the window, one bed and
a large metal cabinet in the corner.

CAT: What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?
LISTER: What ever it takes to find out about the paddle.
CAT: Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word torture -- I can take
  it!
LISTER: OK, then, they'll torture us.
CAT: Waaaaah!  Torture us!  Waaaaaah!
LISTER: Probably won't, man.  They're probably not even interested in the
  paddle.  They'll probably just take us outside and execute us.
CAT: You're just saying that to make me feel better.  It's just those
  guys are fiends.  They instantly know your weak spots.  As soon as they
  see me they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared
  trousers and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.
LISTER: Dunno what the smeg went wrong.  Kryten never said anything about
  the paddle taking us back in time.  Just supposed to transport us to
  the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere.  How the smeg did we
  wind up in the middle of the Third Reich?
CAT: What are those guys doing out there?.
LISTER: Building something.
CAT: What?
LISTER: Oh nothing, nothing.  Just a sculpture, you know, a modern art
  job.  The kind you get in shopping malls.
CAT: What's it made of?
LISTER: Wood.  It's a sort of inverted L shape in wood.
CAT: Does it have a kind of rope motif?.
LISTER: There's a sort of noose theme to it, yeah.
CAT: Its gallows, right?  Look, if it's gallows, say it's gallows -- I
  can take it.
LISTER: OK, it's gallows.
CAT: Waaaaah!  They're building a gallows!  They're hanging us!  Waaaaah!
LISTER: Look man, don't panic.  We're gonna escape.
CAT: How?
LISTER: Just... hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms
  and stroll out.
CAT: Are you insane?  Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of
  season?  I'd rather hang.
LISTER: Hang on, hang on.  Something's happening.  Some kind of parade or
  drill but...
CAT: But what?
LISTER: Hang on.  These guys aren't Nazis -- they're all wearing
  different period costumes.  There's one looks like Al Capone, there's
  another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon.  Smeg, it's like all the
  worst people in history have been brought together in one place.  Oh my
  God, there's James Last!  I recognize him from Rimmer's record
  collection.
CAT: What are they doing?.
LISTER: Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad.  Woah
  Woah!  Hang on, hang on.  Someone's being brought out, they're tying
  him to a stake.  It's Winnie the Pooh.
CAT: What?
LISTER: Winnie the Pooh, I swear!  He's refusing the blindfold.
CAT: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?

Sound fx of gun shots.

LISTER: That's something no one should ever have to see.

Door opens and LINCOLN is thrown in the room.

LINCOLN: My God, sirs, you may break our bones but you will never break
  our spirits!  Good day, good sirs, the name's Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln.

12 Int. House.

We switch to a room with 4 people in it -- EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN
LAUREL and Marilyn Monroe.  Marilyn is putting on makeup.  EINSTEIN is
sitting at a desk.  PYTHAGORAS is standing at a blackboard.  STAN LAUREL
is just standing.

EINSTEIN: We have to face facts:  the war is lost.
STAN LAUREL: But what are we gonna do?
PYTHAGORAS: I don't know.  I still feel there's a solution probably
  involving triangles.
EINSTEIN: Pythagoras, what is it with you?  Always with the triangles,
  your solution to everything is triangles!  There are problems in that
  can't be solved by triangles.

Enter POPE GREGORY and ELVIS with RIMMER and KRYTEN.

POPE GREGORY: Hey, we got us some prisoners.
ELVIS: Anybody got a burger?  I haven't eaten in 5 minutes.  Thank-you-
  very-much.
RIMMER: Errr, could someone tell me what's going on here?
PYTHAGORAS: Who are these people?  They're not wax droids.
RIMMER: Wax droids?
KRYTEN: Of course!  This whole place, the entire complex, is a colossal
  wax droid theme park.  (Looks at a map.) See Prehistoric World?  That
  must be where we materialized, and on either side Villain World and
  Hero World.
RIMMER: But I thought wax droids were programmed to repeat a simple
  sequence of routines over and over again.
KRYTEN: Well, they must have broken their programming, and now they're
  running amok.
STAN LAUREL: You see, we've been left here all alone for millions of
  years, an...bu...we..
PYTHAGORAS: You see we learned to break our programs.
EINSTEIN: And we've been fighting this idiotic, futile war ever since.
KRYTEN: A war?
MARILYN MONROE: Good versus evil, sugar.
RIMMER: Where's the rest of your army?
STAN LAUREL: They've all been killed.
ELVIS: All our best warriors are gone, man:  John Wayne, Sir Lancealot,
  Joan of Arc, Nelson, Wellington.  Hell, baby, even Doris Day.  They've
  all died in battle, man.
RIMMER: And you're all that's left.  Just a smattering of intellectuals,
  pacifists, and celebrities.
EINSTEIN: We number less than 20.
PYTHAGORAS: If only we numbered 21, then at least we could form an
  equilateral triangle.
EINSTEIN: Will you shut up already with the triangles!  Everything is
  triangles, you're driving me crazy!
RIMMER: Ah.  Who do the enemy have?
PYTHAGORAS: The cream of evil:  Hitler, Napoleon, Mussolini, Caligula,
  the Boston Strangler, dozens of them.
STAN LAUREL: And we don't even have a leader.   We... haven't even got a
  chance.
RIMMER: My God, Kryten, this is my destiny!  I was born for this moment!
KRYTEN: I'm not sure I'm following you, sir.
RIMMER: Across that valley lies an army of darkness such as mankind has
  never seen.  The only thing between them and total victory is this
  pathetic pocket of resistance without a leader, without a plan, and
  into this bleak arena steps a man; the man for the moment.
KRYTEN: Who?
RIMMER: _Me!_ Who did you think, Pat Boone?
RIMMER: Gentlemen!  Ladies!  Assemble your troops for inspection at 1500
  hours!  Together with my valiant adjutant, Kryten, I'm gonna turn you
  into the meanest, fittest fighting machine that ever graced a
  battlefield.  Come on, Kryten.
STAN LAUREL: I don't want to fight.  I might get killed.

13 Int. Prison Cell.

LINCOLN has been talking to LISTER and CAT.

LINCOLN: And we've been fighting the Wax War ever since.
LISTER: What's the point of this war?
LINCOLN: They want our wax so they can melt us down, insert new programs
  and turn us into their own kind.  That's why we're becoming so
  hopelessly outnumbered.

Two men enter the cell.

CALIGULA: On your feet, pigs!
CAT: Hey, buddy, we just {something}.
CALIGULA: Silence, scum!  (Wack -- he hits LISTER in the face.) Do you
  not sink to your knees and bow in the presence of the emperor,
  Caligula?
CAT: Who is this guy?
LISTER: I think he was a famous Roman Emperor.  He slept with his mother,
  both his sisters, and ended up eating his son.
CAT: Hey, a little advice, bud:  we all feel peckish after making love
  but most of us settle for pizza.
CALIGULA: You are an impudent fool!  (Wack -- he slaps LISTER again.)
LISTER: Dunno who the other one is.
LINCOLN: That's Rasputin, the most hated, loathed and despised man of his
  era.
CALIGULA: This machine -- how does it work?
LISTER: Don't know.  If I did, I wouldn't be here.
CALIGULA: Very well, if that's the way you want to play it.  Rasputin,
  bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!
LISTER: Hang on, it's got something to do with travelling across sub
  space.
CALIGULA: Demonstrate.
LISTER: Well, like I said, I don't really know.
CALIGULA: Very well.  Rasputin, bring hither the skin-diving suit with
  the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest.
LISTER: Hang on, I'll try my best!  I'll try my best!  Just give it here.
CALIGULA: Aah, you think I'm insane?
CAT: Shall we take a quick vote?
CALIGULA: Silence, scum!  (Wack -- he slaps LISTER, not CAT.)
LISTER: (To CAT) Shut up!
CALIGULA: We will all hold on to it.

Everyone holds on to the paddle.  LISTER, CAT and LINCOLN look at each
other -- when LISTER speaks the three of them let go.

LISTER: Now!

Buzzzt -- only CALIGULA vanishes.

LISTER: Come on, let's get out of here.

They leave the cell.  Just after they go, the door to the metal cabinet
opens and CALIGULA and Rasputin exit.

CALIGULA: Rasputin, I'm very cross indeed!  Guards!

14 Ext. Field.

LISTER, CAT and LINCOLN are running across a field.

LINCOLN: This way!  If we make good time, we should be back at HQ by
  sunset.

15 Int. House.

Back at Headquarters.

RIMMER: What a challenge -- the greatest minds in military history
  against me!  Let's pray they're up to it.
KRYTEN: Are you sure your sanity chip is fully screwed in, sir?  Have you
  any conception of what's lining up outside for your inspection?
RIMMER: I'll soon shake them up.  By God, I only wish the guys from the
  Io Amateur Wargamers and Recreaters of the Battle of Neasden Society
  could see me now.  They'd choke on their pikestaffs.

Enter ELVIS.

ELVIS: Thank-you-very-much, sir, thank-you.
RIMMER: As you were, Sergeant Presley.
ELVIS: Guys are outside, sir, awaiting inspection.  Thank-you-very-much.
RIMMER: Well done, Presley.
ELVIS: Uh huh huh...
ELVIS: You lead, sir.  {Not sure about this too much laughing.}
RIMMER: Kryten, let's see what we've got, eh?

16 Ext. House.

Outside the Headquarters the troops are lined up.   The ones not
mentioned by name:  EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN LAUREL, POPE GREGORY, and
MARILYN MONROE.

RIMMER: What's your name, soldier?
KRYTEN: His name's Gandhi, sir, Mahatma Ghandi.
RIMMER: Well, get him out of that damm nappy and into a uniform.  Have
  you no pride man?  Don't you want to win this war?  Don't eyeball me,
  Ghandi.  Get on the floor and give me 50, NOW!!.

They move on down the line.

KRYTEN: Theresa, sir, Mother Theresa.
KRYTEN: Assisi, sir, Saint Francis of Assisi
RIMMER: There's only two kinds from Assisi, steers and queers -- which
  are you, boy?
KRYTEN: Ah!  Moving hastily on, sir.

They come upon Santa.

RIMMER: What's *he* doing here?
KRYTEN: He was posted here from the fiction section.

Moving on down the line.

KRYTEN: The Dalai Lama.
KRYTEN: Queen Victoria.
KRYTEN: Mr Noel Coward.
NOEL COWARD: Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
RIMMER: Shut up.
KRYTEN: Ah, Monsieur Jean-Paul Sartre, sir.
RIMMER: Who?
KRYTEN: He's a philosopher, sir -- an existentialist.
RIMMER: Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here, and we
  certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black
  polo necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the
  bleakness of existence and absurdity of the cosmos, clear?

  Well, you're quite the worst bunch of famous historical wax droids I've
  ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on!  You're a total bloody
  shambles, and if we're going to win this war, someone is gonna have to
  turn you into soldiers, and that someone, ladies and gentlemen, is ME.
  Over to you, Kryten.
RIMMER: (To Gandhi) I'm watching you, Gandhi.

17 Ext. A Dirt Road.

Arnies Army jogging down the road in step, singing.

ELVIS: We are tough and we are mean!
TROUPS: Arnie Rimmer's death machine.
ELVIS: All we do is kill and slay.
TROUPS: Don't care if we get blown away.
ELVIS: A R Hay Hi He
TROUPS: A R Hay Hi He
ELVIS: Arnie Rimmer's Death machineeeeen aeeeen aeeeen.

18 Int. House.

Back at HQ.  Rimmer is in a general's outfit with a tin hat.

KRYTEN: You're driving them too hard, sir.
RIMMER: It's my job to drive them hard, Kryten.
KRYTEN: Three of them have melted from exhaustion.
RIMMER: Perhaps I have been a bit too tough, but it's for their own good.
KRYTEN: You're killing them for their own good?
RIMMER: Look, when they get out on that battlefield, don't they think the
  enemy are going to try and kill them?
KRYTEN: They won't need to -- you will have wiped them all out first.
RIMMER: I know what I'm doing, Kryten.  We attack tomorrow under cover of
  daylight.
KRYTEN: Daylight, sir?
RIMMER: It's the last thing they'll be expecting -- a daylight charge
  over the minefield.
KRYTEN: The what-field?
RIMMER: Obviously, I'll have to coordinate things from back here.  Now,
  this is the plan.

ELVIS brings in LISTER and CAT.

LISTER: Rimmer!
ELVIS: Thank-you-very-much, sir.  People say they know you, sir.  Thank-
  you-very-much.
RIMMER: Listy!  Welcome to command centre.
LISTER: Rimmer, what's going on out there?  Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi?
  And what's he doing practising hand to hand combat with a nun?
RIMMER: That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother
  Theresa.  She's a soldier now.
CAT: What are you doing, buddy?
RIMMER: I'm winning this war, that's what I'm doing, buddy.  You won't
  believe what a ragamuffin bunch of lefty, wishy-washy liberals they
  were, before I knocked some good old fashinoned death-or-glory
  bloodlust into them.
LISTER: Rimmer, you've taken a group of holy men and pacifists and turned
  them into the Dirty Dozen!
RIMMER: Oh, I can't take *all* the credit -- couldn't have done it
  without Kryten here.
KRYTEN: I'm sorry, sirs, I had no choice.  I'm programmed to obey, no
  matter how psychotic and deranged the human order.
LISTER: Rimmer, you're gonna get these guys wiped out, they're not
  soldiers!
CAT: He's flipped.
KRYTEN: With all respect, sir, he's right.  I beg you to reconsider.
RIMMER: They're only wax droids.
LISTER: But Rimmer, they've broken their programming; they're capable of
  independent thought.  That makes them alive, makes them practically
  people -- I'm not gonna let you do it.
RIMMER: Pardon me?
LISTER: You 'eard me!  If you can talk them into it, I can talk them out
  of it.
RIMMER: I see.  Sar'nt Presley?
ELVIS: Thank-you-very-much, sir.
RIMMER: Place these gentlemen under arrest until further notice.  If they
  resist, shoot them.
ELVIS: Reach for the sky, boys.  Let me see them understains.
RIMMER: Come on, Kryten.
KRYTEN: Oh.  He's been acting strangely ever since we landed here, sir.
  I think it might have affected his mind when you chewed his light bee.
LISTER: I'll do more than chew his light bee when we get out of here.
RIMMER: KRYTEEEEN!
ELVIS: Thank-you-very-much, you've been wonderful prisoners, you really
  have.

19 Ext. Mine Field.

We see Arnie's army spread out on a field RIMMER rides up behind them on
a motor bike.

RIMMER: Well... Don't know about the enemy, but you certainly scare the
  hell out of me.  Let's get this show on the road.
ELVIS: Companayyy! ... Advance!

Arnie's army climb out of a dugout and advance on the enemy, machine guns
blazing, everyone in a mad charge.

RIMMER: Kryten, you know what you have to do.

KRYTEN is standing with Queen Victoria when RIMMER talks to him he walks
off with Vic.

RIMMER: Let's go, Holly.

HOLLY is in the headlight of the bike.

HOLLY: OK, matey.

20 Ext. Carnage.

We see the army advancing across the minefield -- mines are exploding and
we can hear lots of gun fire.  Cut to a scene of Gandhi coming towards us
then he steps on a mine and explodes leaving only a pair of smoking
boots.  More scenes of Arnie's army advancing then we see Lieutenant
Colonel Mother Theresa running across the field, yelling, and running
straight into a mine and exploding again leaving smoking boots.  Cut to a
scene of RIMMER shaking his head.  Cut to Santa blasting away with a
machine gun.  Cut to the Dalai Lama charging across the screen he also
steps on a mine and blows up.  His robe floats down.  Cut to Jean-Paul
Sartre; he gets shot in the chest (all shots produce a white waxy liquid
and the shot droid dies) Cut to St.Francis of Assisi; he also is shot in
the chest.  Cut to Noel Coward; he is shot in the leg.

NOEL COWARD: Well shot.

We see the army advancing and either being shot or blown up.

21 Int. Enemy HQ.

HITLER, Goebbels, Goering, a hooded KKK member and some unknowns are
shooting out of the window.

HITLER: Destroy them!  Keep shooting them!

The door opens and Queen Victoria comes in with a machine gun and blasts
away at them -- they all die, but as he is dying, HITLER shoots Queen
Victoria and they both die.  Moments after they die KRYTEN looks round
the door; seeing them all dead he enters and pulls out a radio.

KRYTEN: Iron Duke.  Iron Duke.  This is Pawn Sacrifice.  Come in, please.
RIMMER: (Over the radio) Kryten -- how's it going?
KRYTEN: I'm in the Third Reich building, minimal resistance.  Just as you
  planned, the decoy charge has drawn their fire.
RIMMER: OK.  Now find the boiler room and hit the thermostat -- they'll
  melt once it hits 100 degrees.
KRYTEN: I'm on my way, sir.

22 Int. House.

Back in the Good Guys' HQ.  LISTER and CAT are sitting with their hands
tied behind them.  RIMMER and KRYTEN enter.

RIMMER: Victory, gentlemen!  The fascists have fallen!
KRYTEN: May I untie them now, sir.
RIMMER: Rejoice!  We conquer!  Victory on Waxworld!  It's VW day!
LISTER: So you took the HQ Wiped them all out.
RIMMER: To a droid.
KRYTEN: It's true, all melted.
LISTER: What about Arnie's army?
CAT: Yeah, how many of them made it back?
RIMMER: There are always casualties in war, gentlemen.  Otherwise it
  wouldn't be war, just be a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing
  and shoving.
LISTER: So how many survived?
RIMMER: Well we haven't had time to make a full official estimate, but at
  a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending
  information updates, roundabout none of them.
LISTER: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet.
RIMMER: You make it sound so negative, Lister.  Don't you see, the
  deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!
LISTER: No it isn't, pal.  You're still here.
RIMMER: I brought about peace.  Peace, freedom and democracy.
LISTER: Yeah, Rimmer.  Right.  Absolutely.  Now all the corpses that
  litter that battlefield can just lie there safe under the knowledge
  that they snuffed it under a flag of peace and can now happily
  decompose in a land of freedom.  Ya smeg head.
RIMMER: There really is no pleasing some people, is there?
KRYTEN: Well, at least we got the matter paddle back.
LISTER: Well, there's nothing to stay here for.  Let's get back.
RIMMER: Shouldn't we go out onto the battlefield and bask in the glow of
  victory?
LISTER: Holly?  Give me his light bee.  See ya, Rimmer.

LISTER swallows the light bee

KRYTEN: Sir!  What are you thinking of?
LISTER: It's OK.  He'll come out in a couple a days and he'll have been
  through what he put us through.  Does any one fancy a vindaloo?

                                  The End

       Closing song sung by Elvis.

       Cast:
                                Rimmer  Chris Barry
                                Lister  Craig Charles
                                   Cat  Danny John Jules
                                 Holly  Hatty Hayridge
                                Kryten  Robert Llewellyn
                                 Elvis  Clayton Mark
                                Hitler  Kenneth Hadley
                              Einstein  Martin Friend
                            Pythagoras  Stephen Tiller
                       Abraham Lincoln  Jack Klaff
                              Caligula  Tony Hawks
                          Pope Gregory  Michael Burrell
                           Stan Laurel  Forbes Masson
                           Noel Coward  Roger Blake
                        Marilyn Monroe  Pauline Bailey

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
starman@crash.wanganui.gen.nz (Robin Halligan)
Amigans Public Access UUCP Node Wanganui New Zealand

"A man that expects to train lobsters to fly in a year is called a lunatic
 and is locked up. But a man that thinks people can be turned into angels by
 legislation is called a reformer and allowed to walk free"